Maynard?! Yep, Maynard.Lynette Scavo knows she’s not the greatest mother. In fact, she’s done a few things she’s not proud of, like dope her kids with cough syrup when she wants quiet time. Despite these lapses, she doesn’t think of herself as the worst mother, either. In fact, this morning she’s making waffles, just because Kayla likes them. Wafflemaking comes to a screeching halt, however, when a couple of social workers show up at the front door. They received a report of abuse from Dr. Dolan, who was tipped off by Kayla. The social workers have seen security tape from the clothing store where the devilspawn kid got slapped. Lynette blanches. She may not be the best mom, but she’s done the best she can… given what she had to work with. I.E. a conniving brat of a stepdaughter. Those specially-made waffles go straight into the trash.
This week, Mary Alice is stuck on the meanings of names. Lynette means pretty one, Kathryn = purity, and Gabrielle translates as “God is my strength.” Bree, of course, means “power.” Susan and Mike are pondering names for their new son. They’re having a hard time, until they hear a doctor named Conner paged over the intercom. Conner Delfino it is! Meanwhile, over at Gaby’s, a handyman works on some wiring. In fact, said “handyman” is actually a police officer who’s bugging the place for the Ellie investigation. The cops want to catch her conversations on tape, since they know she’s expecting a drug delivery this week. Roy, the beefy cop, calls Ellie scum, but Gaby believes that deep down she’s a good person. Just then, the doorknob of Ellie’s room turns… she forgot her wallet, and came back for it! In a panic, Gaby does the first thing that comes to mind, and jumps on top of Roy. Ellie’s horrified to find them on her bed. Gaby stutters that Roy’s her lover, and apologizes for doin’ it in Ellie’s room. Back out in the hallway, Gaby slaps Roy across the face. “That’s for using your tongue.” Ick!
Reverend Green, who used to preach at Bree’s church but went to S. Korea to do missionary work, has finally returned. She’s enjoying his sermon when Orson arrives. Bree scolds him for showing up everywhere she goes, and refuses once again to forgive him. Poor Orson resembles a dog that’s just been kicked with a steel-toed boot. Meanwhile, Wayne shows up creepily at Kathryn’s. He asks in a dangerous voice why “Dylan” used to have a scar on her arm, and now it’s gone. Kathryn claims she took Dylan to a plastic surgeon, but Wayne wants his ex to take a DNA test. He is making a move to yank out a strand of her hair when up pop the gayboys, Bob and Lee. They need some last minute caterers for their commitment ceremony, and of course a relieved Kathryn agrees to help. Wayne leaves, ominously rumbling that he’ll be back. Later, Kathryn and Bree take a trip to the firing range, where they awesomely annihilate targets and talk fancy party planning. Hee! I love the mix of domestic goddess and sheer badassery in these two. Kathryn hasn’t been feeling safe since Adam left, and wants to be sure she could defend against an intruder. Cheerfully, Bree suggests hollow point bullets that explode and shred organs from the inside. “Sounds like exactly what I need,” ponders Kathryn.
Dr. Dolan explains to the Scavos that he is required by law to report child abuse. The social workers will perform a complete investigation, which will include interviewing the neighbors. And get this: it could jeopardize Lynette’s custody of all of her kids. During this conversation, Kayla’s spying from the staircase. Her evil plan forming, Kayla finds a curling iron. This kid is about to grow horns, she’s so creepy. Meanwhile, at the hospital, Mike gets word that his grandfather has died. He knows they settled on Conner, but he’d like to change it, and name the kid after Gramps. Susan thinks it would be a great honor. She can live with “James.” Mike’s all, “That’s my other grandpa, the one that died was named Maynard.” Susan: “WHA?” Me: “Hah!!” Susan’s clearly horrified (as she should be) but Mike gushes about how much it means to him, and all she can do is bend over her baby’s crib and whisper, “Forgive me!”
Chez Solis, Ellie wants to know why Gaby and her lovah broke into her room to supposedly do the deed. Gaby claims it’s because ever since he went blind, Carlos has a better sense of smell, and they can’t do it in her bedroom because he would “catch a whiff of Roy.” As I shudder in horror, Ellie wants to know why Gaby would cheat on Carlos. She says that “Carlos is the love of my life, but sometimes you get bored and a big greasy disgusting handyman just hits the spot.” Ugh. Over at Kathryn’s, she arrives home to find Adam waiting for her. Hi there, yummy Nathan Fillion! I missed you so! Dylan told Adam that Wayne was back, and Adam wants to scare him off. Kathryn’s pretty sure that won’t work, so they hatch a plan to run away. Adam promised Dylan a trip for graduation, so Adam will take them overseas, and they simply won’t come back.
The girls go to see Susan. Eyebrows are raised sky-high when she admits her baby’s new name, but she can’t change it; Mike was too emotional. Lynette, Gaby and Bree all agree that the name just isn’t going to work out. People live up to their names, and it’s too nerdish. Even shortened, it still sucks (May… or Nard). Poor kid. Speaking of kids, when Lynette arrives home, she’s met by a police officer, and promptly placed under arrest for child abuse! Kayla has a (self-inflicted) burn, and a terrified Lynette is led away as the hellchild smiles down from a second-floor window.
That night, Bree goes to a platonic dinner at the Scavo Pizzeria with Reverend Green, a bespectacled, grandfatherly type. She admits that her marriage hasn’t worked out. Rev. Green's wife left him for a Korean grocer. Just then, Orson predictably arrives, and Bree gets the brilliant idea to pretend she’s on a date with the Rev, to dissuade Orson. They hold hands across the table, and it totally works; a dejected Orson leaves. Bree lets go of the Rev but the damage is done; clearly, he’s got a thing for her. Rev. Green drives Bree home, and when he pulls up in front of her house, pretty much tries to maul her right there in the front seat. Yow! She shoves him off and he tries again, saying that there’s been “sexual tension between us since Palm Sunday 1996, when we reached for the same palm frond.” The Rev is all hands until Bree indignantly smacks him with a handy bible. Whereby he accuses her of sending mixed signals. He starts yelling in Korean, and Bree skedaddles from the car like someone lit a fire under her ass.
Tom goes to see Lynette in jail. There’s a restraining order in place, and currently she can’t get within five hundred feet of her kids. Tom’s trying to reassure Lynette that she’ll only be in the clink a couple more hours, and Lynette wonders what else has to happen for him to open his eyes. She’s in freakin’ jail, for God’s sake! And her husband’s trying to stay on the fence while Kayla destroys them. Lynette insists that Tom do something about Kayla, ASAP. Over at the Scavo house, Ellie helps Carlos clean up some spilled milk. He comments that Gaby’s a saint for putting up with him, and Ellie feels so guilty she spills the beans about the “affair” with Roy. When Gaby gets home, Carlos calls her a whore. Rather than being upset about his accusations, she’s furious that Ellie snitched on her. She lets Carlos know that the affair is a fake, and says he’s just going to have to trust her word, because he’s blind and frankly, that’s just about all he can do. Hee!
The next Sunday when Orson arrives at church, he discovers that Reverend Green intends to give a sermon to “unmask a redheaded harlot.” Before Bree can catch wind of it, Orson goes to see the Rev. and declares, “Say anything about Bree and we’ll have a problem.” The Rev’s all, “My duty is to unmask temptresses,” so Orson slams him up against the wall, and inadvertently hits the church’s intercom switch! The entire congregation hears the two men arguing about whether Bree’s a moral woman or a “flame haired Jezebel.” Punching noises ensue, and a humiliated Bree runs into the Rev’s waiting room to find Orson knocked unconscious. He’s hauled to the hospital, but he’s okay. “Please take care of him,” Bree says to a nurse. “He’s a good man.” She leaves without speaking to her husband. Goddamn, this woman is stubborn!
Susan’s still trying to get used to the name Maynard, but it’s not working out too well. So because she’s Susan and can’t just admit the truth to Mike, she decides to sneak around behind his back and change the baby’s birth certificate. The surly nurse at the desk, Vanessa, refuses to make the change without the father’s consent, even though Susan claims she’s trying to protect her kid from ridicule. Vanessa goes to lunch, and a woman named Griselda takes over the birth certificate desk. Upon hearing her name, Susan perks up. Griselda, eh? Sneaky!Susan: “That must have been a hard name on the playground.” Way to find your in!
Gaby is pissed that Ellie tattled to Carlos, but Ellie knows the harm cheating can cause. When she was thirteen her dad caught mom having an affair, and walked out. Ellie’s mom went crazy, and she ended up on the streets. Gaby practically melts, and just then a car pulls up to the house. The watching police officers recognize Ellie’s source. The phone rings and when Gaby answers, the cops let her know they’re about to arrest both Ellie and her source. Instead of running outside like she’s supposed to, Gaby grabs Ellie into a hug and whispers, “The cops are coming. It’s a sting, go out the back!” the supplier is arrested, but Ellie escapes.
Meanwhile, Tom goes to talk with his daughter. Lynette’s about to be released, and she and Kayla won’t be able to live in the same house. “Where will she live? In a hotel?” Kayla asks in a saccharine fashion. “She lives here, Kayla,” Tom replies. He tells her they’ll find her a nice place to live. Far, far. faaaar away. Kayla panicks, saying she wants to stay with him. She comes right out and admits that she made everything up, and even burned herself with the curling iron. She hates Lynette and thinks things are better without her. When Tom says that even if she explains to the police and Dr. Dolan, she won’t be able to stay, Kayla retorts that she’s going to keep lying to everyone. Whereupon Tom pulls out his mobile phone and says, “Did you get all that, Dr. Dolan?” SNAP! He’s secretly had Dr. Dolan on the phone, listening to the entire conversation! Kayla’s expression: OH SHIT. Yeah, that’s right, you little witch. The jig is up.
Dylan’s playing in a cello recital, and Adam and Kathryn attend. At intermission, Adam goes to stretch his legs. Who should show up but scary-ass Wayne. Adam’s never met the guy, so he doesn’t know how much danger he’s in. Wayne plays a stranded motorist with a nail in his tire, and asks for Adam’s help changing it. When Adam kneels to take a look, Wayne smacks him over the head with a tire iron and stuffs him in the trunk. Meanwhile, a nurse brings Susan balloons with Conner’s name on them, and Mike arrives before she can pop them. Susan finally admits that she hates the name Maynard. Mike sighs, and says that his grandfather was a great man. He started the first integrated school in the state, and always took care of Mike and his mom. Mike doesn’t just want to give his son a name; he wants to give him someone to live up to. Susan’s clearly seeing the name through new eyes as she gazes at her son. “Maynard,” she says fondly. “Let’s hope he’s worthy.” The name kerfluffle is over. The unlikely champ: Maynard!
Kayla’s grandparents have come to pick her up. Tom knows this is hard on his daughter, but promises to visit her all the time. Lynette even tells Kayla she’s sorry how the whole thing turned out. And what does Kayla say in response? “No, you’re not.” A brat to the end, this one. Tom tells Kayla he loves her. As she’s driven away by her grandparents, Kayla looks pleadingly out the badk window and calls out that she’s sorry, begging Tom to let her stay. Tom turns his back. He’s chosen Lynette, but the look he gives her as he goes inside is terrible.
Do labels tell us everything we need to know? If we say Kayla’s “just a child,” does it mean she’s innocent? Does calling Ellie a drug dealer prove she’s evil? Mary Alice thinks that a name can never tell you who someone truly is. As she speaks, Wayne throws water on Adam to wake him up. Adam’s tied to a chair in an isolated warehouse. Of course he’s wondering who the heck his captor is. “I’m Wayne Davis,” he says evilly. “And we’re about to have some fun.”
To be continued in Part II of the two-hour season finale event!!
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