The Mole - Season Premiere

Okay, so, The Mole. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I've ever watched an entire season of this show. I know that my man Anderson Cooper used to host it at one point, and that Kathy Griffin won the celebrity edition of it, but that's about it. It's not that I don't like it, either. I do. Or rather, I WANT to like it, but I'm not sure how. I know how the game works and what the point of it is, but honestly - is there anything for the audience to do besides sit there week after week and wait around to see who The Mole is? I guess that's alright and all, but it seems a little flat to me. Anyway, enough of that. I'll be covering The Mole this season, so let's get started.

So not only do we have a new season after four long years, but we also have a new host - Jon Kelly, some former sports announcer or whatever from Chicago. He's nothing really all that special (he ain't Andy for damn sure), but he'll do. What's he got to do besides walk people to their car at the end of the show, anyway? We have a new cast, as well - 10 newbies just DYING to get their hands on some dough and their faces on the TV for as long as is humanly possible. Personally, I like the fat guy, but only because I hate the Token New York Asshole so much. Why does there ALWAYS have be a Token New York Asshole on every reality show nowadays? Why are people from New York such assholes in the first place? Anyway, offsetting the TNYA is some femme-y guy who can't run around a beach for five minutes without getting a stitch, and he'll be giving the TNYA someone to call a queer all season. Throw in some weepy 40-something soccer coach guy, a single mom who's actually quite MILFy, an older woman who's going to be gone very, very soon (they always are), and a few other odds and ends, and there you go.

So the first challenge finds the team in South America, and what they have to do is climb onto a wooden pallet and ride the damn thing over a waterfall as they jump for a bag of money suspended over the edge. AWESOME. It would only be better if they were all wearing duck suits. And were on fire. Anyway, all the annoying people are asked who they think is the most annoying out of all of them, and surprisingly, the Token New York Asshole isn't picked. Maybe because they were too easily duped by his calling them all 'chief' and 'sweethaht' so much. So the most annoying one comes out (who actually turns out to be the MILFy single mom), and for the first task, she's assigned to decide who gets to jump for a bag full of real money, and who gets to jump for a bag of fake money. Um, okay. Can we get to the jumping over a waterfall already? Thanks.

So everyone suits up, and off they go. Whoosh! Most of them actually manage to grab the money bag on their way over the falls, except for the fat guy who almost hangs himself. Awesome. All the money is counted up, and the team winds up with $20,000 in the community pot that the non-Mole person at the end of the game will win. Some people are disappointed in this amount enough to bitch into the camera about for entirely too long. Dude, it's $20,000! On the first hour of the show! Lighten up, Scrooge McDuck. Cripes.

My favorite part of this first challenge was watching the SAME shot of the wooden pallet breaking apart on the rocks under the waterfall ten times in a row. Oooooh - DANGEROUS! Buncha cheap-asses.

Time for the hamsters to sleep, I guess, so once again, MILF lady is asked to make some decisions. She is asked to choose who gets to sleep inside the cabin that can only hold eight people, and who has to sleep outside. Well, unfortunately for her (and us), one of the people she chooses to sleep outside is the Token Sassy Black Woman. TSBW makes the monumentally ridiculous decision to not sleep at all that night, being she's so pissed about being made to stay outside. Yeah, TWBW, I sure would hate to have to sleep out on that comfy-looking cot with all those nice warm blankets and pillows right next to that hot crackling fire. That's gotta suck. Anyone care for another s'more? Toby? How 'bout you?

Okay, so the next morning at Challenge #2, TSBW is appointed The Biggest Whiner by our host. Good idea. This challenge involves the tale of Robinson Crusoe, and after a short history lesson from the host, the hamsters are told that there are various items scattered all over the beach they're now standing on. 48 of them, in fact, but only 5 that Alexander Selkirk (the inspiration for Robinson Crusoe or something) actually had on him when he was marooned. Bring those 5 items back here, the host says, and more money goes in the pot. Oh, and see that big hourglass out on the beach right there? The one that's dumping sand out of it pretty quick? It only lasts for ten minutes, so it's the responsibility of two of you to keep refilling that thing for as long as you can until your teammates round up all five items. Sound good? Okay go.

Token New York Asshole is one of the hourglass keepers, and it pleases me much to see him have a near-heart attack trying to keep the thing filled. I think I see a little blood start dripping out of his ear and stain his precious Yankees jersey. Awesome. One of the idiots is dumb enough to think that Selkirk had a pair of jeans and a vacuum cleaner on him when he was marooned in 1704, and he's baffled when he's told otherwise. Yeah, I'm sure he had a Frankie Goes To Hollywood t-shirt and a Swiffer to go with it, too. Jackass. Anyway, one of the items is a live goat (also quite awesome), and after a while, the team wrangles up 3 of the 5 items by the time New York Asshole's heart explodes and time runs out. A bit more money goes into the pot, the Biggest Whiner gets an exemption (same thing as immunity, basically) and has to camp out on the beach that night, and then it's time for... THE QUIZ.

The quiz is taken at the end of each show, and basically it determines how well each of the hamsters have been paying attention. Get too few questions right and score the lowest amongst your teammates, and you're out. Bags packed, car waiting, new host gets something to do, the end. So after a nice meal on a table that I'm SURE was laden with clues about who The Mole is, it's time to take the quiz. When all is said and done, it's the MILF that ends up getting the boot. Of course it is. I'm sure the New York Asshole will make final two, as well.

So there you have it - a respectable re-boot to a beloved reality show pioneer that I'm not entirely sure I entirely get yet. We'll see. I'm sure by the end of it, I'll be posting mile-long conspiracy theories about it that somehow involve the live goat, a wheel of Gorgonzola cheese, and the REAL relationship between Penny and Desmond.

Until then, take care. Don't wear any jeans you find on the beach.

-littlebigmouth.