The Mole: Episode 2 - Fluffy Lady

Boy, I called that one, didn't I? Not only did I call the next boot from way back in last week's recap, but I also predicted that the token jerk from New York would even get more and more irritating as the show progressed. At this rate, I have no doubt that by season's end, he'll ask one of his fellow players to marry him and the two of them will get their own incredibly annoying reality show on the E! network. He'll want to become a professional poker player so he can fly around the country shtooping Hooters waitresses, she'll be planning their wedding to drown her thoughts of not really wanting to get married in the first place, and the average intelligence of the American gene pool will slide that much further towards the pits of oblivion. That's entertainment! More Mole action after the jump...

So we start off this week with everyone getting all sentimental and stuff about Marcy's boot last week, and the person it hits the hardest is Token New York Asshole. I don't really care what his real name is, and I hope I never find out. If you remember, he formed an alliance with her last week, and now that she's gone, he's just going to have to rely on his extreme case of acute assholery to get him through. Lucky us. Maybe he'll fall asleep in the Mole van and die of heat stroke or something. Fingers crossed! Anyway, people are also kinda pissed that the Token Sassy Black Woman Nicole was rewarded for her crappy behavior last week by getting the season's first exemption. People, this is reality TV. You should be used to that by now.

The team is in Santiago, Chile this week, and the first challenge is comprised of thus - two teams are made from the main group. One is made of nine people who will form a makeshift soccer team, and the other is made of two people who will grab one of those ridiculous two-person bikes and slowly make their way to the top of the enormous mountain that everyone is standing at the foot of. If the two person team gets to the top first, then they each get exemptions and no money is added to the pot. If the soccer team manages to score a single goal in the game they're about to play AND make it to the top of the mountain before the two bicycle assholes do, then no one gets exemptions and $35,000 is added to the pot. Here's the twist, though - the local soccer team that the nine-person group must play is made up of a bunch of kids, all of whom have probably been playing the game since birth. I guess exercise and fresh air is emphasized more in countries outside the United States. Buncha weirdos.

So the two-person team is Mark and Kristen, the weepy history teacher/soccer coach (why he didn't take part in the soccer game is beyond me) and one of the token "hot" blonde women. They grab their bike and start their way up the hill, but hey! The damn chain keeps falling off, so eventually they scrap the whole bike idea and just start running up the hill with bike in tow. As for the nine-person team playing soccer, they're getting their asses handed to them by the kiddie soccer team. Seriously, it's ridiculous - it's 14-0 after like the first four minutes of the game or some shit. I had no idea Pele had so many children.

Here's yet another twist for the soccer players, though - if they can score that single goal in their game (which they're not going to be able to do, ever), they get to take the easy way up the mountain in a gondola that goes straight to the top. Like I said, though, the soccer players are looking like a bunch of one-legged men in an asskicking contest. Token New York Asshole is practically puking, Candy Boy Bobby can barely walk around the damned field (if he's the Mole, then he really needs to stop being so damn obvious about it), Fat Guy scores a goal against his own team, and the rest of the them spend their time on the field trying in vain to find their asses with both hands. Pathetic. Bobby and Alex even claim to have spent some time playing soccer in school, although I'm not quite sure they're telling the truth. More Mole-y behavior from the both of them. Hmm.

Asshole Alert - Alex is quickly becoming yet another alpha male that I really hope dies in a fire somehow. Take your condescending micro-management horseshit and cram it, you yutz.

So finally after twenty long minutes of doing absolutely nothing at all, Ali (who looks entirely too cute in that green Mole soccer uniform) scores a penalty kick goal and sends the team into part two of their task - finding the gondola station so everyone can get to the top of the hill and put the $35,000 into the pot. Easier said than done, though, because as soon as the game is called, all nine players of the team start off on their own route to the station. Idiots. If you all have the same destination, why split up? In addition to that, the Old Fat Lady and the Young Fat Guy are practically having heart attacks trying to make it to the gondola station. It's a good thing that The Mole really isn't too focused on physical challenges in order to win, because if it were, these two would've been gone two weeks before the show even started.

Meanwhile, Mark and Kristen are still running/cycling to the top, and when they're almost there, John the host appears on the side of the road with fruity drinks and an umbrella for them to rest under. He makes the two of them an offer - take the taxicab waiting behind him to the top of the hill, and in exchange, $5,000 comes out of the money that's currently sitting in the team pot. Kristen doesn't even have time to consider the offer, though, as Mark makes it for them. Yup, you guessed it - back to running/cycling/hyperventilating their way up to the top. Smart move, I guess, but was it necessary to be such a rude dick about it? To the host? Lighten up, buttercup.

Okay, let's wrap this first challenge up - the soccer team makes it to the top of the hill, but have Mark and Kristen already made it? Screw the forced suspense here - the answer is yes, and that means that they've both earned exemptions from tonight's execution, and not a dime is going to make it into the pot. Groans all around, but not from Mark and Kristen. That's for sure.

Sitting around the post-challenge meal, Token New York Asshole finds it necessary to start swinging his dick around by making fun of Bobby for falling apart so much in the game. Uh, douchebag - you were the one practically puking on the sidelines after playing a bunch of kids for 20 minutes. So shut your gob! If that weren't enough, he also starts jumping on Victoria for sticking up for Bobby. Of course, TNYA chalks that up as a victory, claiming that he "threw her off her game". Yeah, hopefully to pay you back, she'll throw you off a building in exchange.

Quick Note - Now that MILFy Marcy is gone, I'll officially be ogling model Ali and retail store manager Victoria. Just in case you were wondering. Victoria wore make-up to play in a soccer game, though, so she probably won't be long for my list. We'll see.

Challenge #2! The players make their way to what looks like some kind of rodeo ring, and in it, John greets them and tells them there are 50 ceramic piggy banks missing. To find them, they'll have to make their way down the hill into town and look through all the shops, using nothing but their wits and a wheelbarrow. Two players are chosen from the group (New York Asshole and Old Fat Lady Liz), and their job is to wait in the rodeo ring for everyone to get back. When they do, the players retrieving the banks from town will have to shoot them into the ring using a crap-ass catapault, and New York Asshole and Liz will have to catch them in a blanket. For every pig they catch, a thousand bucks goes into the pot. To time the whole thing, the woman who makes these banks will be sitting up in the stands doing just that - making piggy banks. When she's finished 12 of them, the challenge is over. To start them off, John gives them a freebie of one piggy bank, and from there, the game begins.

But wait! There's more. According to John, one more exemption is on the line somewhere in this challenge, and it's up to the players to figure out where.

Bobby decides it's too much to ask of him to run down a hill into town, though, so Fat Guy Craig tells him to just get in the damn wheelbarrow already so Kristen can wheel him around. Sissy. I'm all for rooting on the femmy guys, but come on! That's like three challenges in a row he's practically thrown by pulling this crap, and he even has the balls to sit in the wheelbarrow while waiting in the street outside a shop while his teammates go inside and look. He's like a human sack of wheat or some shit. Ridiculous.

Alex rubs it in everyone's face that he's the only one who can speak Spanish, Bobby whines a lot, far too many pig jokes and puns are made, and finally, the teams collect all the pigs they can find and make their way back to the rodeo ring. Fat Guy Craig schools everyone on how to properly operate a catapult, and while he's waiting for him to do so, New York Asshole starts rattling around the freebie pig that John gave them. There's something inside it, so he smashes it against the wall and out falls an exemption pass. Dammit! One more week of him. No me gusta!

The Chilean woman up in the stands is finishing up her dozen new piggy banks pretty damn quick, and before long, the challenge is over. Mark can't stop bitching to himself about what a crappy job he thinks everyone is doing, too. What a joy he must be in the teachers' lounge. Anyway, in the end, the players wind up getting 28 of the 50 missing piggy banks back, therefore putting $28,000 in the pot. New York Asshole gets his exemption, and before we get to this week's quiz, we're forced to watch what these idiots do back in their hotel rooms. Turns out Alex intentionally left his journal in Bobby and Craig's room to test the waters a little bit, and the two of them take to it like stink on a monkey. Based upon how much Bobby gloats about finding it, I can't decide if I like him or not. I like his total lack of alpha male bullshit, but at the same time, he's kind of a smug prick.

Oh look, Alex is singing. Shut up, Alex. I already KNOW that I don't like you.

Quiz time, bitches. The players have a LAVISH dinner (I love that word - LAVISH), and then it's on. Everyone takes it, everyone sits their asses down for the results, but only one of them has to get their ass back up for the Walk of Shame out to the car bound for the airport. This time around, it's Liz. See? I told you that the old ones go quick.

So after Liz goes home, Token Sassy Black Woman scares everyone a little more than she usually does by actually threatening the life of Token New York Asshole. "Fine. Wake up dead." Um... thanks? Yikes. I can't wait to see these two get their own reality show on the E! network in a few months. Wedded bliss!

Okay, that's it. Next time you're in New York, flip somebody off.

-littlebigmouth.