Last Comic Standing - International Auditions in Miami (Episode 605)

This week, LCS has assembled the top comics from around the world - over 20 countries and 5 continents - in Miami. Fearne is dispatched to the airport to greet the competitors. She dons a sheep outfit to greet a Kiwi comedian. Wakka wakka. The comic looks less than amused. I love him already. This is taking forever. Finally they bus the EPCOT of comedy to the Improv, where they will audition in front of talent scouts Lonny Ross and Keith Powell from "30 Rock." Stephen K. Amos is from London and says as a black man, people don't expect an English accent to come out of him. He was cool and funny and will make the showcase. If they made the effort to bring these people to the US from international destinations, shouldn't they all be in the showcase? I'm just saying....Janice Phayre from Ireland has been doing comedy for four-and-a-half years and describes her comedy as "filthy." I also like her already. She only gets in a teeny bit about how she thought the turtle neck part of her top was supposed to go on her head, but the 30 Rock boys thought she'd be good in front of a crowd and send her to the showcase as well.

Ok, my theory about finding the best from around the globe just went right out the window. There's some scary Brit in bad kabuki-like makeup and a speedo. But, hey, at least he knows who Fearne is. That makes one of us. His name is Dr. Cocacolamcdonalds (probably not his real name) and he's a "protest singer" from the UK. Despite being "on the telly" 9 times in his native country, he's quickly dismissed. Janelle Koenig is Asian-Australian and probably knocks 'em dead in the land down under, but her babbling isn't impressing the judges, who thinks she gets "lost in translation." Here comes Ken Suzuki - yes, he's Japanese. Having many Japanese friends myself, I'm rooting for Ken. The poor guy only got one sentence out before the editors had their way with him. I wanted to hear him! Other comics from Ireland, Scotland and Israel also get shot down in rapid succession. Grrr....Papa CJ is from India and seems to be pleased that he's crushing his parents' dreams for him by doing stand-up. He does a lot of outsourcing jokes, telling us we shouldn't worry about immigrants coming over and taking our jobs, because they can do it over the phone from their country. The judges think he's "personable" and he moves on.

Kojo is from Ghana and gave up a career as a teacher for comedy. He says kids don't discipline their kids properly. He says in the states if a kid takes something he's not supposed to have, his parents give him a count to put it back ("one...two...") in Africa his mom punched him, and the count was just like one you'd find in a boxing match. Lonny asks him to slow it down a bit and he moves on. Arnaud Collery is from Paris and is hoping to single-handedly improve US-French relations. He says he's so French, he hates himself. He says that everyone percieves French people as looking "gay" but counters that "all gay people look French." The judges want to see him in front of a Miami crowd. Jim Tavare is British and does comedy because of "a distinct lack of options." His gimmick is a double bass - oh, and tails. He says he'd like to play some Mendelsson but has no idea, so he played a piece he called "Juan Pablo Montoya," making race car noises with the bass. Clever. He cracked up the judges and moves on.

Shazia Mirza is from the UK and is a devout Muslim. She says in the US anyone with a mustache is a target - her mother was attacked. She's coming back. Oh God, the (un)Funny Booth is back, and the comics give us their take on the National Anthem. Danielle Ward is English and is fascinated with siamese twins, she can't imagine what it's like to spend your entire life with someone else. It's not like old couples who have bee together forever, clinging to that hope that their partner will pass away first. She got kudos from the judges. Next up is a prop comic, Lioz Shem Tov from Israel. He does impersonations of a stuttering turtle, a mosquito and a KKK member celebrating a birthday (a birthday hat with a sheet attached to it, complete with party horn.) I don't know if the judges were overtired or punch drunk, but they let him move on.

Sam Maneshian is from Armenia, and if you've been suffering through watching the show over the past few weeks, earned the distinction of being the worst auditioner of the season. He was truly awful, but Lonny couldn't stop watching him. Paul Foot is an English "international man of mystery" with his own secret society. He wonders why Jesus was able to perform miracles, yet contributed nothing to the field of carpentry. Love him. Keith didn't "get" him, but Lonny got him pushed through. Next up are Australian twins Justin and Chris Nelson. They make some twin jokes and said they got in a fight with their grandmother who didn't like their beards, to which they replied "Well, what about your beard?" The judges passed, but the brothers begged for a second chance. Tony Hendriks was the...ummm...palest person from Jamaica I've ever seen. He said "whatever you're thinking is just a pigment of your imagination." That's the funniest thing he said. Yup, back to Jamaica for you. We see some international rejects too. Damn, they cut the Kiwi with attitude from the beginning of the show. John Maloney is from London and says he's married ("sorry ladies") and in their 11-year-long marriage has only had one fight...which has lasted 11 years. Keith stops him and sends him to the showcase. He's been hard to please and very vocal with the other contestants, so it was a surprise that John moved on so quickly.  

It's already time for the showcase. Shazia is up first, talking about some of the bizarre questions she's asked ("Why does your mother walk five steps behind your father? Well, he looks better from behind.") She added that now women walk five steps in front of their husbands "because of the land mines." She's really good. John Maloney talks about sexy languages - German, not so much, but Italian works, the only two phrases he needs to know are "Where is the pharmacy?" and "I have a stiffie." Steven K. Amos returns and finds it hard to cross the roads in Miami because after the do not walk signal he sees the outline of a white man ("When am I supposed to cross the street?") Janice Phayre informs us that she's single and her said she thought her last boyfriend loved her because he made love to her in the morning - demonstrating what she looked like with severe "bed head." Paul Foot is back and actually does a joke about "baby on board" signs. Besides the super-retro reference, he's still rather amusing. Israel's answer to Carrot Top, Lioz Shem Tov is back with more wacky impressions - such as a man having sex with a bat (using an umbrella.) His KKK joke killed though.

Jim Tavere asks if anyone has a "black Escort" because "she's stuck in the ladies' toliet." He likes genital piercing but was worried about the pain, so he got clip-ons. Arnaud Collery takes the stage and does some impressions, like Tom Hanks in "Forrest Gump" - starting in English and resorting to French. He premieres his De Niro in "Taxi Driver" - "Are you talking to moi?" Somehow, I think he's heading back to the land of croissants tout de suite. Kojo is back and he says women get on his nerves. He says women just used to say no when a man asked them to dance (and then he would ask her friend) but now he just gets "sound effects." I love this guy. Chris Radburn from Australia says fishing is like picking up women - you haver to have the right tackle and the right line and even if you get a nibble it doesn't mean you're going to land one. Papa CJ from India says there's no 7-11s in India. He said India's different from England in that their kings and princes marry attractive women.

Gee, I could have watched more of the comics. I would have liked to see more of them, actually. Bill distributes the envelopes to Shazia Mizra, Jim Tavare, Paul Foot, Lioz Shem Tov (really?) and Papa CJ. I can't believe Kojo didn't make it. Now, it's off to Vegas with the 32 semi-finalists. It's a little something we like to call "filler." Next week, the actual semi-finals.