Shear Genius: Oshun's Away!

Hallo! And welcome to our recap of Shear Genius! Never has there been so much hair bitchery in one place! Prepare yourself for flat iron duels, shampoo girl catfights, and the gorgeous Jacklyn Smith! It's Season 2 and it's on now!

All of the contestants this year have some coiffs that symbolize emotional difficulties, and there's a man named "Oshun". This is love.

The hair burners meet with Jacklyn Smith. She might have a stretched face, but she is the ultimate in comfortable glamour. Seriously, I just want to roll in her creations at K-Mart. I'll come out with an inexpensive off the shoulder blouse made of rayon but it will totally be worth it.

Daniel is 28, and he specializes in "Dallas" hair. Like, on the primetime soap of yesteryear? Ok. Paulo, 37, looks like the gay son of Nick Mars from Motley Crue and he had a crush on Jacklyn when he was 7. Who didn't? He has one of those bullrings in his nose which makes me think of how he handles having a cold. He needs to get voted off so I don't have to look at it all season long.

Kim  Vo is this freaky bitch who is responsible for Britney's weaves. Who would admit that? Is he a "don't"? Vo has lips like worms and he's sorta freaking me out with his dead smile. Jacklyn better watch out, he'll probably try and take her scalp. He's one of the other judges.

Glenn is 35, and she's from Alabama. She seems downhome and her chin is crumbling. Say hi to Glenn, everyone. Oshun is 31, and he's got the potion for the motion when he touches your hair. That name alone should garner you the win, dude. And then your slick rhymes should your ass the MVP. He was nominated for an Emmy? Theo from Cosby, is that you, girl?

Charlie Price will be our problem child this go-round. He doesn't "give a f*ck" whether the other contestants like him or not. Oh, here we go. Reality douche #3,478. He says he's from "Hell" and looks it. Girl, settle down.

Glenn has seen Charlie perform on stage before, and we get a flashback to a slimmer Charlie at some kind of Tom Cruise in Magnolia hair demonstration. Tame the bunt, Charlie! They have those?

Parker, 31, has the same haircut a lot of these lemmings have - that gay punk rock Joan Jett Billy Idol with highlights bullshit. Why did they make punk rock so queeny?

There will be two challenges each week - a Shortcut and an Elimination. Kind of like Top Chef. This is the Bravo model. There will be no Very Special Episodes here, unless someone catches lice or something. There's some decayed beauty queen-looking chick, and I need to know her.

The first clients come in, and the girls are wearing safety glasses. What does this mean? Well, the stylists will be cutting hair BLINDFOLDED. Those safety glasses are so a bitch doesn't get some shears in her damn eye. I QUIT. These people are going to be wielding scissors, hot utensils, and chemical hair dye without being able to see. It's going to be like our current presidency!

Nekisa, 29, is actually Shannon Elizabeth looking for work. She says she tells her stylists to close their eyes and check that the haircuts they give are even. Uh, can you not molest my scalp.

Gail is 24 and from Columbus, Ohio. She's kinda average so she's either first episode cannon fodder or our "All-American girl" archetype for this season. Dee, 37, is a short, full of life lesbian who "specializes in sexy". I'l say! Lindsay Lohan is going to cream her leggings when she sees Dee on her TV! Dee lets us know she's a lesbian. We guessed.

Oshun plans to let his fingers move through their hair "like Oshun, cuz' I'm deep". Even the ham-handed Bravo editors knew to train the camera on him for a few seconds after he said that so America can absorb the cheese. Meredith, 36, is the decaying beauty queen. She says people should be shaking in their boots because she's the cutest something...diva? I don't know. I do know that I think I saw her leaning against the cigarette machine down at the Super 8.

Kim Vo tells everyone to put on their blindfolds with his wormy grin. Something is up with that guy. Britney's weave glue fumes might have rendered him insane. Seriously, I can see footage of him appearing on American Justice as Bill Kurtis narrated "Kim Vo seemed to have it all, but there was a darker side to the famous hair stylist that few knew about..."

Nicole is 24, and she says she's the "underdog". She jokes about how she can't even walk straight let alone cut hair straight with her eyes closed. She's laughing but her victim surely isn't. Bitch looks like "can I get up now and just walk? I can live without the $400 and the tv exposure."

The fedora dude is cutting hair with a blindfold on, under the fedora. Just take the hat off.  Matthew, 37, looks like a gay gambler but he loves his wife. He also apparently cuts his own hair. Hence the hat?

Nekisa's audition tape looks like a shoot for Maxim. Kim Vo and Jacklyn swing by and Vo says that the blindfolded Nekisa's cut for this challenge was "ambitious". Which translates as your victim is going to need a bonnet or something to wear after this.

Fedora Matthew is BLEEDING all over his victim. He's like "I promise I don't have anything." Bravo is getting deep if people are swearing they don't have HIV to win...wait, what's the prize for this mess? Your own salon?

I like how they told them not to hurry but then Vo says they have 5 minutes left. Just shave em' bald. Oshun has left a huge lead singer of the Misfits-type bang on the front of his victim. Keep it, they'll love it in Brooklyn.

Stylists line up behind their victims. Vo runs his hands through all the women's hair.  Dee used a razor on her guinea pig and guinea pig admits she was concerned. I would be, too! Arteries could have spraying the walls and splashing Jacklyn Smith's beautiful face!

Charlie, who is our douche this season, thought he was in the middle but he thought they all looked like shit anyway. Thank you, Jay McCarroll. Paulo says his victim is lucky she still has her ears and eyeballs intact. Amen!

Oshun is critiquing Nekisa's lack of symmetry. SHE WAS BLINDFOLDED. Apparently Oshun doesn't have much symmetry of his own, because he's missing his "guideline", which must be a hair burner term. Fedora Matthew admits he gave bitch a bad haircut. Nicole says that Asian hair is harder to cut. Racist.

Nicole and Dee are the top two. Vo agrees that Asian hair is hard to cut. And they're bad drivers, too, right? RIGHT? BIGOTS! Dee wins the first Shortcut challenge. We learn that Dee is all very Secret, and she had visualized herself winning.

Daniel is a total mint julep queen and feels he was robbed. He feels that Jacklyn loved it, too and he gives the draggiest facial moue of gayness that I have ever seen. Why wasn't there a sound effect? Judy Garland wouldn't even have married this one!

Charlie also feels that he's going to be a funnyman, and he's going to say random things. When Vo critiques his ass, he says in a gay robot voice "At least she looks better than the 'Housewives of Orange County'. BRAVO ENEMY! Why does his voice remind me of the Wood Yee character on Howard Stern?

As Vo rattles off the lineup, Jacklyn looks like she needs a Tab and maybe a nap. Oshun and his best pal Nekisa are in the bottom two. Oshun's traumatized. Nekisa thought her cut was "fabulous" but Vo thought it was "barbaric" so remind me to avoid her blind-ass salon!

Oshun's is called "barbaric". Vo wants to see more out of Oshun tomorrow during the elimination challenge. Oshun might have some sort of hole in his head as he says "the best always finish last." Oshun lives in a topsy-turvy world of glorious underachievement! Dee gets to pick her client first.

The stylists report to their house. Paulo's wondering who the bitch is. Have you met Charlie? He's the one in the scalley with the stank look in hornrims. It's morning and Bravo appears to be skimping on production by using a home video cam in the house scenes. Grainy!

Anyway, some queen named Rene Fries is a their hair coach or something. Fries is the Tim Gunn of this mess, and his jaunty accent sends me. It sends Dee, too. Either that or tiny dykie is hopped up on the tina. Damn, do women do tina? Sure they do! Lesbians like to dance all night, too!

Rene Fries has protruding nipples. The stylists will be re-creating famous hairstyles. Oshun says that he's worked on everything from Passions to Ocean's 13. Then why are you here, ho? And oh my god, they have to create cartoon character hairstyles! Ok, this show might be rad, now.

Glenn has a stripper tattoo, it's a bunch of stars. Where's her pasties and pole? Oh, and they're working in teams. Dee gets Betty Boop! Nicole gets Jem! Oh, there's multiples. Charlie says that Marge Simpson is a big ole' piece of white trash "just like me" First of all, Marge Simpson is yellow. Second of all, I never thought of her as white trash. This heifer is depressed or something. Get the comb out of your ass, Snarla.

Oshun gets the last chick, who has some "fine, limp hair". That's bad, right? Rene says "go shaggun?" What? So the clients get to have a say in what they look like? Nicole's tells her that she wants her hair color (for Jem) to be "subtle". Good luck with that, Nicole. Ask Synergy.

Rene tells Oshun to use color. Daniel, the mint julep queen, thinks he might be full of shit. He says the best finish last, of course he is. And he might be retarded! Nekisa is making the Peanuts' Lucy as college-age, sexy Lucy. Cuz' that's how we think of her. Charlie is going to use hairpieces for his Marge Simpson creation. He says something about a "smoky, blue cloud". Oh shit.

Nekisa and Oshun are having issues. Nekia made the woman's hair "look like shit". Hearing that must be really comforting.  Her client looks like what did this slut do to me? Fedora Matthew is burning his client. Who would volunteer to be down with this? It looks painful and humiliating.

It's time for a hair show! Will it be like those awesome African-American ones where people have like propellers and stuff? Ooh, the stage is giant scissors! The other judges are Allure editor Kelly, and some dude named Neeko.

The prize is a Nexus deal, and then some hair photos or something. Daniel did an awesome job with Wilma Flintstone. Gail made Wilma Flinstone gone down to the bodega. Nicole's Jem is colorful. Glenn's is pink, but Mom-like. Nekisa gave her model an eye-roll. HAH. Oshun is so going home. I don't think he can actually cut hair. Was he grooming the dogs on Passions. He nods like it's a hot look on his model. Is this a Dave Chappelle sketch?

Matthew Fedora's looks cartoony and hot. Charlie actually gave his client Marge Simpson's hair. Making them look too close to the cartoon character is horifying. Parker's Betty Boop looks like Carmen Miranda's prostitute daughter. Judy Jetson is a bomb on both cases.

When you make the cut, you go and wait in the salon backroom. Like on Top Chef. Bravo likes sticking people in dungeons. We have two Marges, two Lucys, and two Wilmas. Charlie is wearing like 1/4 of a hoodie and this dumb douche has never actually seen a Simpsons episode because he refers to Marge Simpson as "snarky". She is? What f*cking show is this chick watching? Damn. Shut your mouth!

Charlie's told that his hair isn't wearable, but he knew that. They actually liked Nekisa's Lucy. Oshun didn't like it, but he sucks. Hair stylists don't watch cartoons because he refers to Lucy as "dainty". Lucy has the build and temperament of Rosie O'Donnell! Oshun gets screwed. Oshun makes faces. He's going home. Wave bye, Ohun. Jacklyn Smith doesn't watch cartoons either because she says Lucy is "innocent". Lucy lies and cheats Charlie Brown on a regular basis. Damn, Kelly Garret! Watch TV with one of your grandkids!

Daniel is told his Wilma is awesome but too stiff. It can never be too stiff. Gail's Wilma sucks, and Nekisa is rolling her eyes. That Nekisa is judgey! Time for deliberation! Can we keep Neeko, he's kinda hot. Everyone seems to have conflicting opinions. Daniel wins! Yay! He should have. Mint julep everyone! It was one of the most amazing moments of his life. Mint julep is just running with it, and tearing up and clutch the pearls.

Matthew, Oshun and Gail are on the chopping block. Sarah McLachlan just told me about abused dogs and I think I'm sending her my next paycheck. Manipulative bitch. Matthew felt humiliated. Tell your "wife". Oshun's gone, and I think he might punch someone. He does take the opportunity to tell Jacklyn Smith that "it's bullshit, man". HAH! I love that it's possible that this situation has never happened to her before.

Gail is told that she "barely made it". For real, why is Charlie wearing 1/4 of a hoodie. What's the point? To keep the top of your moobs in check. Oshun got washed out, and he's deep and he'll see us soon. Hopefully.

Next - This season we have tears, Charlie's Angels, fake headshots, popping on the head, Charlie blowjob faces, Kate Jackson, laxatives and sleeping pills, and Nicole not finishing someone's cut. Shear Genius, everyone!