Shear Genius: Orange You Scared Of Your Client?

Previously - Oshun dried up, and told Jaclyn that this whole thing was bullshit, man! Kim Vo freaked me right the eff out with his wormy lips and odd porcelain doll face. And I think I hate Charlie. No, really, bitch wore a 1/4 hoodie last week and is a total know-it-all who actually seems to know nothing. And I have no clue what Rene Fries is saying.

Oh, the prizes. They get $100,000 from Nexus and the opportunity to style hair for an Allure magazine photoshoot. Wow. That's it? These people have to cut hair and touch other people's scalps. A couple of years back, people were winning a million for answering trivia questions. Bravo is low-rent.

I hate hate hate Charlie. Even his role in the opening credits makes me wants to bash the side of his head so his wall-eye turns straight. Daniel's style last week makes it in a photo to the Allure Hall of Fame. He says it's truly amazing. Like Jem, no she was outrageous. It's not that amazing, it's a bad photo over a cheap lightbox. I need to not rain on his pride day parade because he is so much less annoying than Charlie.

The short cut challenge is to make a chick with long hair into a chick with flirty short hair. Pocket dyke Dee did something skunky with her own salad. I'm not sure I like it. She looks like a Latino male Morrissey fan.

Nicole tells us that she is living proof that short hair can be sexy. Someone needs to direct Nicole to a self-esteem workshop, beause I'm really worried about her emotional well-being. They need to start girls young, and build them with a strong and positive self-image.

Daniel gets to pick his client first, and then pick the order in which the others pick theirs. Daniel is a true Southern lady and tells us he was crushed that people would think he didn't like them. I have some Southern friends, and they assure me that it's always more polite to make remarks behind a person's back then let it be known upfront that they suck. I do believe I've caught the vapors!

Daniel says he randomly picked Parker. Parker believes it's because he's amazing. Daniel has the jeans on that my Mom wore senior year. They have flowers. Paulo get picked last and he will kick Daniel's ass later. I'm telling you it's all the face jewelry. You look like an extra from Seven.

Rene surveys the hair chopping. Dee has an obvious crush on Nicole. I have the notion that Nicole would probably spelunk in Dee's cavern if it would get her the win. Bisexuals always make the best contestants in any competition.

The beauty queen chick is doing some crazy "hole" techniques to the poor curly-haired woman in her chair. Rene isn't feeling it. She's creating air pockets in the woman's man. Charlie has a frog (or last night) in his throat, and I know "Jean Seberg" IS probably supposed to be pronounced "JAWN Seberg" because she was French, right? But he's so pretentious that I want Jean Seberg to roll up out her grave and smack a wormy hand across his bald head.

Charlie's chick is worried and has never heard of Mia Farrow. Damn, open a book. Rosemary's Baby? Adopted a country? Her husband took off with her daughter?

Stylists freeze. I don't think they're done, yet. Ok, so this Aussie chick from last season who's apparently the "fun bitch" judge of this show rolls up. Nicole says she's "sassy plus", which is my new band name. She wants the stylists to impress her. I know, as a gay man, that I'm supposed to squee over the strong bitch with flair lady, but she needs to prove herself to me!

Tabitha is "bitchy without merit" to Nekisa. Matthew didn't like how Charlie chopped his model's hair completely off. Charlie gives Tabitha an attitude, he says that he's going to "f*ck" with her. Maybe you should attend to your client first, she looks like the Gestapo just got through with her. Damn, Charlie has that beefy football linebacker body that I'm into, but he's so annoying! ARRGH!, I blame Jesus for doing this!

Tabitha's role seems to intimidate everyone into gouging their clients. That's funny! Jaclyn looks gorgeous today! Meredith is told to make her client's frizzy hair "frizzy and intentional." You don't hear that everyday. Meredith gives Tabitha a "fair" with a disgruntled perkiness that needs to be my new ringtone.

Charlie drew a picture of Tabitha. Ok, it's sorta funny. F*ck! How can he do this to me? I need to hate you! Tabitha and Nekisa battle over blending. There’s almost a bitch brawl. Nekisa looks like she’s from the Jersey shore so she’s probably no stranger to bitch brawls. Or men with those gold link bracelets date raping her in the back of SUVs.

Gail doesn’t appreciate Tabitha telling her that her client will be stricken with a “little pyramid” when her hair gets warm. In fact, Gail looks angry like Mt. Rushmore. People love to fight with Tabitha. I think it’s the Aussie.

Charlie won. Yeah. Great. Nicole’s Cleopatra came in second. Tabitha chose Nekisa and Paulo as the two worst. Probably because they were the two to argue with her. Nekisa is told to step it up. Nekisa looks like she’s ready to bring Tabitha down to the waterfront and turn her rings around to punch her.

Back at the hair house, people get drunk. Paulo is pouring vodka and yelling. I like how much these bitches drink. Who knew stylists were such goddamn drunks? I just don’t want to be in their chair the morning after. Thanks for that new smile on the back of my neck that you cut me, Paulo! Cheers!

Meredith grabs her boob and I need to see less of that. And gays normally like boobs! The stylists receive oranges the next morning. Charlie thinks it’s “Armageddon.” Someone doesn’t like Vitamin C. Dee is wearing her “it’s not a phase…” sweater vest and we were pretty aware of that, Donna Dental Dam. Glenn wants to cut the hair of prisoners. I like that about her.

Parker says he’s not a colorist. He’s kinda tweaked about this. Charlie guesses that it’s the Real Housewives of Orange County. He must work for Bravo. Glenn doesn’t like “straight” Wayne. She finds that he’s a moaner and a bitcher, and not in a good way.

Daniel is so queeny and lovable. He’s got a big perky anticipatory grin on his face waiting for the next challenge. He’s an example of how a big ole’ queen can be a gracious Southern lady. Can Rene provide us with a translator? He’s no Tim Gunn.

The stylists meet the Real Housewives. There is so much plastic surgery wrongness in this gathering. They look like they broke out of Dr. Josef Mengele’s recovery room. Daniel is crazy excited. He feigns the vapors. Charlie is concerned because he’s been “talking shit” about them. Cuz’ they care, you big puffy queen. First off, is that housewives show that popular? Everyone is acting like they’re cutting Madonna’s bush or something.

Daniel reveals that he is such a huge fan that he dressed up for one of the battleaxe’s weddings. Her TV wedding. He dressed up. Are you f*ckign kidding me? I didn’t even cry at the end of Buffy, and he’s wearing a ball gown for a Bravo show? Bitch, please. Nicole finds his behavior to be ridiculous. She might be a slut, but me too.

Did Vicki get pummeled with a shovel? Paulo gets her ass. I love how these 60-something women are shopping at Wet Seal. Nicole gets some badass broad named Gina who I think played for the Packers. Oh shit, Daniel is killing me softly this episode. He wants to put one of the Wives in his pocket and take her out when he wants to look at something pretty “like a jewel box or somethin’.” Oh queen.

Charlie steals Daniel’s client. He’s stank about it, too. Whew! I was thinking I might start to like him.He wanted her, and “that’s that.” Ugh, imagine being his boyfriend. How has he avoided a shallow grave for this long? Gail’s cient had some sort of extensions drama so she has to tread carefully.

The stylists are smart enough to give the Wives champage to get their asses drunk so they don’t notice their nightmarish haircuts! Paulo’s dealing with that crazy bitch Vicki who keeps throwing herself out of her chair to see if her daughter’s ok. Her daughter must be ready to cash in on that trust fund and hightail out of this psycho’s maternal terror orbit.

Did you know Parker’s worried about color? Seriously, you guys, he’s totally bad at coloring hair. And you’re about to hear about it. Again. Rene surveys and finds out that Gail isn’t allowed to cut her stylist’s hair. Vicki runs around as Daniel sighs that he would have known how to deal with her. Charlie says if he had Vicki, he would have “gone home of my own volition.” Please?

Times up! AAAIIEEEEHHHHHH!! Kim Vo is back! Mommy? Oh, I’m sorry, it’s “Tabatha.” Of course it is. She sucks for that spelling, you know. Hair show! I could watch Vicki model for hours. It’s like if Jon Benet Ramsey was allowed to live but then got through through a thresher. Why does Nicole pose like she’s on the hair show catwalk?

So Gail’s client looks EXACTLY the same. Even Jaclyn gives the side-eye. The bitch looks stringy! Like when a wet cat who slid for home! But she thinks she looks amazing. Confidence is good, I guess.

Gail is called to the floor about the fact that she did nothing. Parker made his broad look like Elvira. Did Charlie just call TabAtha “Mommy?” God strike me deaf. Kim Vo’s fun term is “blonderexia”. I think he feels that plastic bitches such as these go for the blond too much. Someone needs to retort with “worm lips.” Kim’s grin terrifies me. He thinks that Paulo went too subtle with Vicki. I wouldn’t be able to even approach that crazy heifer, so he gets points for going near her. Then again, he was armed with scissors.

How does Charlie fit his big thighs in those jeans? Stretch jeans! He did do the best cut, though. He needs to not dance ever again. He says that he needs to keep his shit tight despite his win. Well those jeans are helping.

It’s down to Parker, Paulo, and Gail. Gail’s safe somehow. Daniel is crying! And Jaclyn calls him out to see if he needs a tissue or a blanket or something. Charlie says some shady shit and says that he’s an actress and did he write these lines beforehand? I hate this beady-eyed bitch! And why is Wayne bent over? Is he having an attack? Don’t they do psych exams on these hoes? Stylist men are emotional!

Parker doesn’t know color and he also doesn’t know winning. Later, Parker. Jaclyn’s the nicest hostess ever. She tells them they are all winners. Heidi would have been like “auf fuck yourself!”

Next – Charlie fights with Rene, and prom queens with no dates?