I Survived A Japanese Game Show: Episode 3 - The Tricycle Stays In The Picture

TUESDAY TUESDAY TUESDAY! You know what that means, Japanophiles - 'I Survived A Japanese Game Show' is on again in all its grand and glorious overly-loud neon ridiculousness. When last we left it, Darcy had just finished saving her ass from a boot yet again, Mary was still looking unfathomably cute, and the remaining contestants still had a shred of their dignity left. Can't have that now, can we? Hell no! Let's dive right back in and see what the sadistic pig producers of this ungodly beautiful mess have yet to prove, shall we? More Majide after the jump...

Okay, so in my last recap, I totally forgot to mention the host of 'Majide', who seems to be a genetic cross of Wink Martindale, Jackie Chan, and a bag of crack-laced Pixie Stix. In short, he rules, and I think that's really all I need to say. Okay, done.

So Olga and her sweet rack are gone, and none of her teammates can believe it, mainly because they all really don't like Darcy. Yeah, I can see how that tiny little blonde woman from the Midwest would be so difficult to get along with. Anyway, Mamasan greets the contestants one morning by taking them through a traditional Japanese tea ceremony, and they take to it pretty much how you would expect a bunch of loudmouth American media whores might. Joel McHale-lookalike Justin makes the token 'It's just not my cup of tea!' joke (Hey-ooooooo!), and then, they're off. Time for a new day of shooting 'Majide', and it's about damn time. I care nothing for millenia-old tradition! I want people falling on their bottoms in some butterscotch, and I want it now!

The teams don their track suits and head to the stage. Action time! Our clearly insane host asks Mary where she's from, and for some reason, she lies and tells him she's from California. Why does her bio say she's from North Carolina, then? No matter - I guess I'd lie if I was from North Carolina, too. The first challenge gets introduced, and the hamsters have to ride a tricycle on a treadmill and keep it in the red 'safety zone' for the longest amount of time. If they fail, they fall into a big tub of icy water at the end of the treadmill. Or something.

Oh yeah! What about that judge guy whose job seems to be little more than raising his arms over his head and yelling? He looks like what Steve Carrell should've looked like in that Japanese version of 'The Office'.

Alright, so keep a tricycle in the safety zone of a treadmill for the longest time, don't fall in the icy-cold water, win fabulous prizes, get a new agent. Got it. The Yellow Penguins are up first, and Cathy, the poster girl for wearing too much makeup from Staten Island, fails miserably and falls into the water after like three seconds. The teams get two chances to rack up time on the trike, though, so here comes Bilenda. Despite her claim that she hasn't rode a trike since the '70s, she does pretty damn well and puts about 30 more seconds onto the clock. Not bad. I guess she's got a lot more tricycle-riding experience than she thought.

Time for the Green Monkeys to show the Penguins what's what about riding a tricycle in the red safety zone of a treadmill to avoid falling in a big tub of icy water, though. Blonde highlights victim Meaghan is the first up on the trike, and her first run ain't too bad. She lasts for about twenty-some seconds on the damn thing, and oh my god, the Monkeys might actually win something. These guys are the Pagong of Japanese game show teams.

My befreckled beauty Mary and token black guy Donnell are pedaling the bikes that are keeping the treadmill going, and before long, they're done and Meaghan takes a backward swan dive into the ice pit. She did pretty well, though, having scored about 20 seconds on the clock. Could it be? Could the Monkeys pull this one out?

Well, probably not, as here comes Darcy to bat clean-up for the Monkeys. As much as I like Darcy, she doesn't exactly have the best record on this show so far. She's been in every elimination challenge so far, and hell, she been kicked off the show once already. She's got to keep her trike in the safety zone for at least 18 seconds to lead her team to victory, and to be honest, she's off to a good start. Mary and Donnell are pedaling as fast as they can (the faster they pedal, the slower the treadmill goes), but Darcy makes the cardinal mistake of taking her feet off the pedals off the trike, and down she goes. She did well, but she comes up about five seconds short, and yet again, the Monkeys have to vote two contestants into the elimination round.

But wait! We haven't heard what the teams have won yet. The winning Penguins get to take a VIP trip the largest fish market in the world (that's a prize?), and the Monkeys have to go plant rice for a day. Hell, I'd rather go plant rice than have to walk around a stank-ass fish market all day. The longest I can stand to be around raw seafood is about two hours, roughly the time it takes to watch 'Finding Nemo' again. As far as the losers/actual winners go, they wallow around in a foot of mud all day and somehow convince their new employers that they've planted some rice in it somewhere. Whatever. Japan is weird.

I don't really care who goes this week as long as it isn't Mary, and I think Meaghan hears me. After the team pretty much anonymously agrees that Darcy needs to make her third trip to the boot round, but can't decide who else to nominate, Meaghan steps out of the shower wearing only a towel and volunteers to go. Wait... what? Can we hear a little more about that towel? Yes we can. It's green, and about a foot short of being effective in any way at all. Very nice. The team takes her up on her offer to go to the elimination round with Darcy, but Meaghan's offer has a catch to it. She'll compete against Darcy this week, but only if she stays safe from elimination next week. A waterfall of bullshit surrounds Meaghan's naked body as the team agrees to her demands, but you know damn well that's not going to stick. Whatever. Back to the towel. Mmmm, towel.

Time for the elimination round now, and Meaghan and Darcy are both draped in these enormous velcro suits. The challenge calls for them to trampoline themselves onto a giant velcro wall, and their challenge is to contort their bodies into various shapes that correspond with the white outlines drawn on the wall. One is a spread-eagle, one is in the shape of an L, one spells out 'FIRE MY AGENT', you get the picture.

Okay, we're off! Meaghan's off to a good start, and she nails the first two positions drawn on the wall almost exactly. Darcy comes close, but I just don't think she's getting the height she needs. She makes it about halfway up the wall, and her face consistently lands right in the wall-drawn figure's crotch. Good for the wall-drawn figure, I guess, but for Darcy's future on the show? Not so much. The score is 2-0 (first one to three points wins), and Meaghan's final jump seals it. She wins the elimination challenge without any fuss at all, and yet again, Darcy is sent packing. She takes the walk of shame out of Toho Studios with her head held high, but I can't help but laugh as the skrick-skrick-skrick sound of her her Velcro suit sticking to itself fades with her into the distance. Yes, she's still wearing it as she walks out the studio gates. What - you thought she wouldn't be? I'd make a run for the plane with that thing still on if I could. Bye Darcy.

So Mary's still safe, and like I said, that's really all I care about. After this week's crushing defeat of the jiggly, yummy goodness of Stephanie from 'Design Star', I don't think I could've handled another one of my TV girlfriends vanishing from my life forever. Or at least until they turn up on 'The Surreal Life'. Either/or.

That's it from me. Next week - adult babies! I certainly hope that's not part of a punishment or anything, because a lot of people pay good money to get dressed up like that. A lot of people are disgusting.

-littlebigmouth.