We have (literally) found ourselves smack dab in the middle of the dog days of summer. The latest reality competition promises its share of drama and bitches. The introduction of the show takes the intellectual high road, quoting Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said "to be great is to be misunderstood." Cue the canine competitors - to the tune of "Atomic Dog" (of course.) The show held compteitions across the country to find the most talented dogs (thankfully, we don't have to watch them) and 12 of them have been gathered to compete for the distinguished title of the "Greatest American Dog."
Let's meet the contestants, shall we?
Our first contestant is skateboarding English bulldog Tillman (a YouTube favorite) and his owner, Ron, a construction worker. Tillman started pushing himself around on the board at 8 months old and has moved on to skimboards and snowboards. According to his online bio, he's also into tetherball, soccer and long walks on the beach (ok, IK made that last one up.) He's appeared in a number of commercials and TV shows and has even got his own website. Is it just me, or is this like having a professional singer on "American Idol?"
J.D (the owner) is a former professional snowboarder who is now a full-time "dog entertainer", touring around the country with Galaxy (or "G-Money"), an English Pointer and Border Collie mix. Galaxy's repoirtoire includes ball tricks and break dancing.
Brandi is a fashion designer who humiliates her Miniature Schnauzer Beacon by putting her in dresses. I always feel so sorry for dogs in people clothes. Brandi insists they wear matching outfits. Somebody needs a new hobby. According to her bio, Beacon can do a "few tricks" like walking around in a circle on her hind legs and ringing a bell when she wants to be let outside.
Michael is an aspiring comic (and according to his show bio is and he has an adorable Boston terrier named Ezzie (short for Esmerelda). Ezzie's special talents are her dance moves and "various sit/lie/shake combinations."
The second dog with the "help me" look in its eyes is film producer Laura's "perfect little man" Preston, a Pomeranian who is definietly "over-groomed" and sports a red stripe on its little head. Laura credits Preston as her "on set assistant" on her IMdB page. From his bio (on the CBS website), we learn that Preston "likes turning tricks for 'num nums.'" Sometimes, the jokes just wrote themselves, although I now have "hot Child in the City" stuck in my head. That's how you get ahead in Hollywood, you know.
Next is small town boy Travis (who, at first glance looks like a younger Robert Downey Jr....growrr!) and his boxer puppy Presley. Travis is an aspiring actor/bartender (aren't they all) and Presley is accomplished at tricks involving visual commands.
Texas grandpa Bill says his dog Star (full name: Flying Orange Star), a Brittany, saved his wife's life, alerting him after she fell into a diabetic coma. Bill and Star entertain at local events and Star has competed in national dog agility contests - and loves bacon.
Laurie is a "self-proclaimed 'Alpha Bitch'" (that's what's on her bio, I sweart) and doggy day care owner with a Maltese named Andrew who swims in a little swim vest (the dog looks as thrilled as the one in the doggy couture.) Andrew has won a number of doggie contests and his special talents include sneezing.
Pet sitter/dog walker Teresa's prodigy is Leroy, a Border Collie. Leroy has appeared on such television shows as "Cashmere Mafia" and "The Late Show with David Letterman" and can set a dinner table all by himself.
Elan, an "asipring pet care business owner" (that's kind of vague, isn't it? It is, however, nicer than saying "unemployed") with her giant schnauzer Kenji (a/k/a "Big Mama", the biggest dog in the competition.)
Beth Joy is a "stage mom/manager" to her pampered pooch, Bella Starlet, a "professional dog actress...the Pamela Anderson of dogs." Oh, brother. Bella is a mutt, combining Chihuahua, Labrador Retriever, Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever, Shih-Tzu and Pomeranian, and has appeared on a number of commercials, starred in the indie film "CasaBella" and writes a column for City Pet Guide titled “Life of A Celebupup” and New York Tails’ “Tails About Town.” It gets better, Beth Joy has annual "barkday parties" for her dog and all of her guests get her "PAw-tograph" in a silver charm. Sheesh!
Last up is retired doctor David and his "soulmate" Elvis, a Parson Russell terrier. When Elvis turned 13, David threw him a "bark" mitzvah with 100 invitees, including Dr. Ruth. I wish I made that up.
Our host, zoologist/Animal Planet personality Jarod Miller (yeah, I've never heard of him either) tells us the dogs and the owners will be living together under one roof, at the aptly named Canine Academy, complete with doggie treadmills and pools. Each week, the owners will be teaching their old dogs some new tricks, focusing on such things as teamwork, agility, obedience and courage. The winning pair will take home $250K. I'm watching Boo licking our rug and am extremely jealous of these 12 people right now.
Ron and Tillman are the first to show up at the house. This place makes Flavor Flav's crib look subtle with fire hydrant topiaries and bone motifs on the walls and furniture. Ron tells us he can "adapt" to his surroundings. Everyone else arrives and there's lots of hand shaking and butt sniffing. Ron falls in love with Laura at first sight. Leroy made a mad dash for the swimming pool, with Presley, who's never swum before close behind. Travis is worried that he and his puppy are behind the rest of the pack, training-wise. Brandi is very protective of Beacon (hey, they aren't matching!) and doesn't want anyone touching her dog - a little factoid Laura didn't find out about until it was too late. Cat fight on the dog show! Kenji comes in and helps herself to the appetizers by climbing right up on the table. Bill's all "aw shucks" and exuding his corn pone pesonality from the minute he enters the house. J.D. isn't worried about Maltese Andrew because of his small stature, but Laurie promises he can do things his breed can't usually do. And here comes Bella Starlet. Laura thought it was cruel that she was wearing leg warmers in 90 degree heat. David and Elvis (in a tie) are the last to arrive. Ron feels the drama. Michael gets gayer the longer he's on screen. And, finally, it's time for the games to begin.
Jarod meets the dogs and owners in the yard. He fills them in on how the game is going to be played. Each week, there are going to be 2 challenges - the first is the "Dog Bone Challenge". The winner of this challenge gets to live in the lush dog bone suite, packed to the gills with doggie treats and luxuries. The winner also gets to make a "very important decision." The rest of the dogs and humans get to live together, "Real World"-style. The first challenge is doggie musical chairs. I have a feeling I'm going to be really sick of "Atomic Dog" by the end of the summer. Brandi and Beacon were out first. Poor Tillman was having some trouble getting up on his chair. I'll spare you the detail of the whole game and tell you that J.D. and Galaxy won, narrowly beating out Michael and Ezzie. J.D. receives the "golden bone" (the key to the suite) and the camera cuts to a very disappointed-looking Michael (I'm sure he wanted the golden bone.)
J.D. gets an additional "prize" - the decision as to which dog/owner team will be forced to live outside in the "dog house" for the next three days. Since he was in a suit, J.D. focused in on David. It's a real dog house, which David declares "is not Park Avenue." Everyone else heads into the house and want to check out the suite. J.D. was initially reluctant, as he confidently felt no one else was ever going to be staying in it, but finally relented and they all got the tour. One of the ladies called it "paw-mazing." I think it was Beth Joy. She needs to be slapped. Everyone then went out to check on David and helped make his little house more like a home. Awww.
The next morning, Brandi taped a note on the kitchen cabinet informing everyone that she was getting married on April 11 and that they were all invited. Kind of a cheesy move, if you ask me, considering they all met the night before. Brandi is a delusional future Bridezilla. Beacon is going to be her flower girl and her dress is going to match the bridesmaids'. She's also going to have lots of guns and celebrate her nuptials at a Civil War plantation. I'm scared of Brandi. Ron told her in no uncertain terms he wouldn't be attending and Tillman punctuated his owner's sentiments with a fart. Lovin' the Tillman already.
It's time for the big challenge - a talent show. They're going to break up into groups and were going to be judged on their interaction and skills. Jarod left them to decide who was going to be on which team. J.D. lept into action and grabbed who he felt were the strongest dogs - Leroy, Star and Preston. Michael wanted a "high energy team" and matched up with Laurie, Ron and Elan. Travis, David, Brandi and Beth Joy and were the left-overs and made up their own team. The teams all picked themes and grabbed a bunch of props. Laura declared her team "Team Aloha" (Hawaiian-themed. Duh.) Bill, again, is overwhelmed by his fellow team members and hoped he wouldn't let them down. Michael thought his team should adopt a "yo mama dance-off" theme. Ron retooled the idea to "Disco Dogs." Michael looooved that. David wants a theme that will blow them away and suggests "Gone with the Wind." Travis thinks a high school theme would be better (how he got there from "gone with the Wind" I'll never know.) Brandi volunteered to be the "dumb blonde cheerleader" - gee, that's a stretch. Beth Joy says that Bella understands French commands, so she could be the language teacher. David finally got into the game and suggested the title "Homecoming at Bark and Wag High." I can't believe I'm watching this. Michael and their team are working on their choreography and Ezzie becomes enamored with Tillman's skateboard, ripping it out from under him when he's trying to practice. Michael interprets it as Ezzie being "competitive." I call it "being a dog."
Team Bark Wag High are working on the "pep rally" segment of their routine. Beacon is a bit lacking in the bark department. And the wag department. Things seem to be falling apart with the team. Bella isn't doing what Beth Joy is asking her to do and Brandi's worried about Beacon. Meanwhile, Bill is reminding me more and more of Christopher Guest's character in "Best In Show."
It's time for the first "Best in Show" challenge. Jarod introduces us to the show's judges - "world-renowned animal expert and celebrity dog trainer" Victoria Stillwell, Allan Resnick, editor-at-large of Dog World and Dog Fancy and Wendy Diamond, a "pet lifestyle expert."
Team Aloha is up first. Teresa and Leroy "clean up the beach," Star does some twirls, Preston barks, plays ball and hi-fives and, of clourse, Galaxy has a bagful of tricks, including flips and jumps. For the big finale all of the dogs (except Star) jump through hula hoops. The whole thing looked like an awful act from "America's Got Talent." Where's the Hoff when you need him? Allan liked the teamwork. Wendy told Teresa to find out why Luck barked so much. Allan told Laura she got the best performance out of her dog. Galaxy got kudos and the judges told Bill not to be so nervous.
Team Bark and Wag High were up next, complete with cheerleader suits and football uniforms (Travis in football pants almost makes up for the 60 minutes of my life I've given up.) Of course, Beacon is the only non-barker in the group. And non-wagger. And non-sitter. David taught Elvis how to "stop, drop and roll" in case of a fire. Elvis is melting my heart, slowly but surely. Beacon doesn't want to do much, but he finally jumos over a few hurdles. Beth Joy does her French commands, but the dog (and Victoria) don't appear to understand her. Wendy looks less-than-amused at this performance. Me and you both, Wendy. Travis did well with Presley, who pretended to play dead. Brandi was criticized for pushing on her dog's butt to try and make it sit. Allan was hoping for a more varied performance from Beth and Bella. Victoria wants David to be more excited and Travis got good reviews.
Michael's disco team came out in huge afro wigs and sequins (you can definitely can tell who was in charge here.) Ezzie is having a little problem staying focused, but managed a few spins. Michael is a little over-zealous in his emcee duties. Elan performs a slopy dance with Kenji. Andrew jumps some hurdles and Tillman, no surprise, rides his skateboard. Allan complements Laurie and Andrew. Tillman also got raves, as did Elan and Kenji (really?) Victoria told Michael he was overwhelming to his dog.
The judges have made their decision. The three weakest pairs were Brandi and Beacon, Beth Joy and Bella Starlet and Michael and Ezzie. Beth "lost control" and delivered a poor performance. Wendy reminded Michael that name of the show was "Greatest American Dog" and Victoria is still harping on Brandi about the "physical manipluation" of her dog. It's time for Michael and Ezzie to pack up their sequins and head home. The fabulousness has left Canine Academy. Next time, it's the obedience training challenge (which Tillman doesn't seem to adept at) and an injury for one of the players!
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