Big Brother: Episode 3 - Don't You Have Homes?

Well, we're off to a fine start... I guess. One of my favorite hamsters got booted tonight, and it looks like one of my other favorites may be in the crosshairs of the usual Big Brother gang of idiots who can't possibly tolerate anyone who doesn't want to drop to their knees and kiss their collective ass. Same crap, different year, I guess. Oh well. There's always Battle of the Network Reality Stars to look forward to. That's still on, right? Hello? More Big Brother after the jump...

So Brian got some sand kicked in his face last episode, and as a result, pretty much the entire house flipped on him and got him replacement-nommed by Jerry. Brian's a kicky little fucker, though, so it's not like he's going to just roll over and take it, right? Right. Brian talks to Dan about what the hell just happened out there in the veto ceremony, and after Dan swears it wasn't him (which it wasn't), Brian sets his sights on who it really was - Ollie. See, all Ollie REALLY did to set this shit off was open his big yap in front of his girl to show off. I have to say that it wasn't really his fault that things started snowballing the way they did, but it certainly WAS his fault for calling the mass mutiny up in the HOH room that sealed Brian's fate.

See, that was a total dick move on his part (no, not that Dick), but in the end, Brian deserves to get hung for pounding his chest when he had the chance. Like I said in my last recap, all Ollie had to do was shut his mouth and play dumb, and likewise for Brian. Have a plan to get someone booted in Big Brother? Fine, but keep it between yourself and whoever it is that is absolutely essential to carrying it out. Brian had already planted the extremely fertile seed in Jerry's head to nom Memphis in Jessie's place, and that's all he really had to do. Hell, he barely had to tell anything to Ollie and Dan, if you think about it. Brian knew he had it locked, but if all he had said to Ollie and Dan was 'Well, I gave it a shot, but I'm not sure how it'll go. Keep your mouth shut about it for now', and shit would've been fine and dandy. Oh, well. Horseshoes and hand grenades, I guess.

Alright, so Brian's all but out, but that doesn't mean there can't be any unnecessary drama surrounding it. This is Big Brother, after all. Dumb-ass April doesn't like the fact that Keesha and Angie are entertaining keeping Brian in the house by swaying Memphis and Jessie, so Boobasaurus Rex starts talking shit about her out in the backyard with Keesha sitting mere feet away from her. Keesha throws a hissy-pissy, and bitches start getting all Bad Girls Club on our asses. Pop off! April bum-rushes Keesha over on the couch, but Black Superhero Ollie throws himself in between them and ruins all my fun. Dammit!

Speaking of fun, Angie, Brian, Memphis, and Steven do a puppet show out in the backyard that portrays Brian's boot ceremony. I love the black sock representing Ollie and the lipstick-and-glitter-smeared sock that IS Renny, but I gotta give this one to my girl Angie for rocking a brown sock for her role as Julie Chen. Shouts to my Mexican brothers and sisters out there, of course, but ya'll aren't the only brown people out there, you know. Yellow? Hardly. Asian Invasion, fuckers!

Alright, so after all that bullshit dies down, it's off to the Chenbot for the beginning of the live eviction. WTF? What the hell are all those people doing out in front of the house? Besides filling out their SAG cards, I mean. I never watched Season 1 of Big Brother, but I guess as a throwback to that (shitty) season, Julie invited a live studio audience to sit in with her when the evicted hamster comes out of the house. Um... okay. I like nostalgia, too, but what's the point? They're not really DOING anything out there, are they? Here's my suggestion - instead of having Chenbot ask the houseguests questions when they're all sitting around the couch, have the audience do it. I bet we'd probably even get one or two live marriage proposals if they did it that way, and isn't that what reality TV is all about? Rob and Amber, ya'll! Are those two dead by now? Man, I hope so.

To the votes! It's not looking good for Brian here, as the first four are cast for him to leave. In fact, the only vote he does get is from his boy Dan, and it's probably the first time I've ever respected a conservative in my entire life. Props, Danny Boy. Angie is looking ridiculously hot as ever in that dynamite pink dress she wore in the season premiere, but damn, even SHE votes against Brian. It's smart, actually - as much as I respect Dan for sticking by his boy, voting against the house can be suicide in the long run. Remember when America's Player Eric kept having to vote against the house and then blaming it on other people? That shit was awesome.

So by a vote of 9-1, Brian... get your shit. He's out the door in a minute flat, and the crowd outside goes nutsy-kookoo for him as he walks out the door. Who are these people? In the words of Judge Smails - 'Don't you have homes?!' Brian does the chit-chat with Chenbot where he admits to having tried to play about nine seasons of Big Brother in four days, and then it's time for HOH.

To the backyard! Typical question-and-answer trivia game here, and my lovely Angie goes out on the dumbest answer to the easiest question ever. At least the pink dress looked good. Something about who the house thought looked best in all that honey from the last challenge, I think, and her answer? Jerry. Fuckin' JERRY. What's worse is that I think her other option was one of the blonde big titty girls, and she answers like that? Oh, sweetie. Come rest your head. Sick of it yet? Hope so.

So I stopped paying attention right after she made the walk of shame back to the sidelines (seriously, I've never seen an Asian girl with that much ass), but in the end, I guess Jessie won or something. No idea who that douche will put up, but seeming April and her band of idiots are starting to not like Angie because she DARES to hang around with people who aren't brainless twats who can't stop jabbering at each other while they jam cookies and wine down their filthy holes, I'm assuming one of the noms might be her. If she's next to go, just don't talk to me for a while. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

See you Sunday!

-littlebigmouth.