Shear Genius: Musical Hairs

Previously - Stylists dealt with way too much hair, and then supposedly crafted red carpet caliber coiffs, but I didn't see it.

Time for more gross hairstyling. Ooh, Charlie's wearing a form-fitting sweater! With horizontal stripes! Brave weeble! A friend of mine recently told me that he likes Charlie because he's out for himself and speaks his mind. We have since ended our friendship.

Nekisa is annoyed that Charlie won immunity again. She thought that you couldn't get it twice. You would think someone going on tv in a reality competition would learn the rules so they wouldn't look like a total bim. But her focus appears to be make-up and being "the hot one." Keep in mind what her competition is. Several busted queens, a pocket dyke and two haggard blondes.

Jaclyn introduces Roy Teeluck, who is the creative director of Nexus. Let's just say that Roy put all HIS focus towards haircare products and not visiting the dentist. Cuz, DAMN. Someone's chiclets are visiting Browntown.  Roy is here to be a guest judge. The shortluck challenge is musical clients. The stylists have to trade clients through a certain time period.I would quit right there. Who has the time to keep up with that mess AND listen to Charlie's clown voice?

The stylists will be judged on the final client in their chair. This could be a big ole' clusterf*ck. Paulo (Paula?) feels that he will be sabotaged. Clients are chosen. Jaclyn sounds like she's getting annoyed because she's like "fffoouuurrr!" as she's calling off numbers. Hurry up, people! She could be selling signed pictures at a Charlie's Angels convention and be making some extra cash!

Charlie, scheming cocksucker that he is, says he chose his client because she had the most difficult hair to work with and he didn't want to be the one to end up with her. It is kinda creepy that the stylists have to molest the potential clients hair before choosing one. Uh, please stop touching me.

Daniel is concerned that the girl that Meredith chose has "color issues." I just see someone who didn't pay a lot for her blonde. This show makes me so glad I am not a lady. Well, not REALLY a lady. I have a few lady traits. Like curling up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and sobbing to Steel Magnolias. Other guys don't do that, right?

The stylists have 1 and 1/2 hours to style and they HAVE to color in the first round. Gail's determined to remain positive to get through. I would get angry and just bust that shit! Daniel feels that Nicole's not there yet with color. Who knew color was something you had like, ninja levels at? Nekisa is determined not to be in the bottom three again. Good luck with that, Jennifer Espesito!

Meredith is giving her client BOZO RED. Like, sit on this balloon and win a prize kiddies BOZO RED. Charlie feels that Gail is walking around to get ideas. Stylists have to swap clients and Paulo describes it as a "crazy orgy." What the hell is going on at HIS bathhouse?

Tiny Dee is shouting color #s, and Charlie will not cut Nekisa's clients hair. Daniel puts this crazy purple gunk on Bozo's head and it's horrifying. Charlie's client starts bursting into tears when she meets Charlie. I would, too, he's awful. She's crying because she's never had her hair colored or cut. What is this - Clan of the Cave Bear? Damn, leave your hut, bitch!

Ron Teeluck tries consoling her but his brownie teeth are just making it worse. Dude, stop supporting the stereotype that Brits have bad teeth! Clients go back to their first stylists, and they have 20 min. Charlie tells Meredith that her balls are big and they make him nervous. I would never think those words would come out of his mouth. He screams "balling the jack" to me. Ask your older brother if you don't know what that means.

Charlie ended up with his original model, and she's curly and needs her hair put up. HAH! Backfire! It's time for Ron Teeluck and his Oreo mouth to judge. Daniel's girl is snarly. A comb wouldn't even go in there. Oh my god, that girl is BOZO. BOZO. She looks horrifying. I have to agree with nasty Charlie. How is that girl not crying?

Ron accuses Gail of sabotage. Gail says she's "too nice" for that. BULLSHIT. Charlie made his client look like 8th grade student council meeting after 7th period gym. Nekisa and Charlie have a brief argument. Charlie makes a ribald comment about Nekisa using her titties to get out of every problem in life. Ok, true, but it's not like he's never used his. He keeps accentuating them enough! I want to motorboat those!

Paulo talks about "the idiot" that started crying. She's trying to remain positive so Paulo doesn't cut her. You know he has scissors at her back. Ron drops the phrase "begging to be banged" and everyone cracks up. Chim chim cheree! Nekisa and Meredith end up in the bottom two. Nekia goes over her boobs and says "I didn't cut her hair, grody mouth!" Ok, she didn't call him "grody mouth." Dee and Daniel end up in the final two. Daniel's client loves being called "a natural beauty."

Can they address that girl's BOZO RED hair? How is that girl not screaming? Or suing Bravo? Or at the very least - slapping Meredith upside her head? The stylists report back to the liquor store they live in. Dee and Charlie have a dyke/drag queen throwdown. Charlie tells Dee that all the clients looked like shit. Dee stands up to squawk at Charlie while he drinks. Dee looks like she's about to punch him in his knees. Charlie says that none of them are friends and he has three faces - the two he uses during the day and the one he uses to "stab you in the back." Well, don't you just need the two then?

Rene Fries is here. Supposedly he's from Denmark. That's supposed to explain the accent. But I still don't think it's earthly. The major challenge will be giving the clients a hairstyle that they have to train them to resurrect at home. Dee gets to dole out the clients. She takes the opportunity to fondle the scalps of every available client. Back off, tiny lesbos!

Dee chooses Nekisa first. Charlie notes that Nekisa is "Dee's girlfriend." Hot dykey action! Nekisa denies that Dee has a crush on her, but then she's like it's cause "I'm lovely...!" Girl, please. Charlie is wearing girl jeans and his moobs are about to pop out of his shirt and double up on someone.

Glenn is ecstatic on learning that the prize is an Allure ad for Nexus. Meredith will be damned if she's not going to win, she says. Little does she know. Stylists works and teach. Charlie doesn't color, because his lady already dyed hers death black. Rene goes around being intelligible. He tells the stylists that the elimination will not be tonight. The clients will have 30 min. in the morning to recreate the style they're given today. You better teach, bitches!

Paulo says his client better make momma proud, or he's going to take scissors to his throat. He is one violent queen. Meredith tries to lead her client through all the tools and cremes she has to use in the morning. It's way too much. Meredith better pack her curly-hair trophy because she's Audi. I could watch Daniel pantomime hair styling for hours. He's a queeny mime. He's a quime.

STOP! TIME'S UP! Stylists hit the bar. Everyone knows Dee has a crush on Nekisa. Nicole clowns on Dee for trying to get Nekisa to give her a massage. Seriously. Dee was all I love my girlfriend. There's going to be a certain Miami truck-driving lezzie finding a new place to live when she sees this mess.

Morning. Rene. What, Rene? You want us to hijack the penguin? Ok. The clients are here to style themselves. The stylists have to remain silent. Good luck, Charlie. Nicole's kinda bitchy, she's openly laughing at the other clients whose styles weren't as easy as hers. Get over yourself, Elrond.

It's time for the hair show. God, I love that scissors stage! Kim Vo and the worms are here. Ron keeps his mouth closed. Thank christ. How did he get this far without someone being like "Yuckmouth, stop." I have a chipped tooth and slightly buttery teeth and it makes me totally paranoid.

These stylists need to start calming the snarls down before they send these poor women down the 'walk. Dee's got some nice pipes on her. Everyone's client has some tangle issues in the back. Paulo's chick looks like she got thrown over a bridge. The Allure editor is not amused by her acting up in the runway. She's acting up because Paulo told her he would kill her if she didn't act like she loved it!

Glenn's client is happy beyond happy. I think Glenn's going to win. Gail did a good job, as well, with some curly hair. Paulo is shocked that he is not Shear Genius. Gail, too. Gail better be happy she's still in it. She's been at a low in past episodes. I'm totally in love with Glenn's client. The judges are, too. Kim Vo might hire her as a receptionist.

Kim attacks Meredith's mushroom shape head client. As well he should. Jaclyn says that she did well with the color, however. Jaclyn's always nice. Charlie's up on the pedestal of you suck. Jaclyn told him he was playing it safe. It's dogpile on Charlie. He takes it with a smile, but it does my heart good. Ron comes up to fondle Dee's client and probably blind her with his breath.

Once again, Nekisa is accused of trying to style her client's hair on her own. Kim Vo doesn't buy her lies. When they ask if they could see the clients up front, can the stylists say no? Jaclyn always smiles to make the clients feel better. I love Jaclyn. No, I'm not drunk!

Glenn says she would give her "right tit" for the Allure ad. Uh, women who've had masectomies aren't loving THAT statement. Judges confer. Worm Lips call Meredith's client "a squid." Wow. Jaclyn says three clients look like they overslept.

Dee, Nicole, and Glenn are in the top three. Jaclyn talks about Dee's client having a low-maintenance lifestyle. Is she a bee keeper? Glenn wins it! I'm glad, she really wanted it and did a good job. Glenn is overwhelmed with tears but thankfully spares us an Oscar speech.  The bottom three consists of Nekisa, Charlie and Meredith. Well, Charlie's in. Bitch!

It's down to Nekisa, her boobs, and Meredith. Nekisa has the temerity to shake her finger at Jaclyn for saying she's safe. Close your mouth! Paulo cries over Meredith's ousting. Why does Jaclyn ask them if they have something to say when they're kicked off. One of these days, someone's going to be like "yeah, fuck y'all!"

Bye bye, Meredith. She feels that the judges who don't like curly hair, well, "tough shit!" You tell em', girl!

Next - Jaclyn at the beach and Nicole cries along with her client.