Shear Genius: Bald Chicks

Previously - The stylists had to teach. It didn't go so well. I wouldn't be signing up for their courses, let's put it that way.

LA! The beach! Nicole is wandering about looking pixie-ish. There are flip-flops to be had. Nicole inserts her slender digits into the bucket and picks the ones bearing #3. She lets the others know about them.

Everyone comes upstairs and talks at once. Nicole misses Meredith. Charlie has on a racing scarf. She admits she doesn't feel bad for Meredith. Evil little elf. Everyone flees to the beach. Jaclyn has set up a salon on the beach. Charlie says it's so fun to be in the sun, and it's totally overcast so he needs to get those Coke bottles recycled.

So they have Glenn's winning style set up on a sandwich board outside on the beach. Glenn says it's absolutely amazing to see her work like that. Your work is on a sandwich board on the beach! Seagulls are going to crap on it, and drunk people will have sex and pee beside it.

Jaclyn makes sure that Charlie had his wake-up call since he was in the bottom three last episode. She's introducing this new judge, and listing off his credits and when she comes to "Katie Holmes", her voice goes up at the end. As if to signify that Katie Holes is crazy as hell.

The stylists have to style the hair of dirty surfer boy. Without washing the hair of these stoney dudes. A bunch of hoes in wetsuits enter. The gays are drooling. The surfer boys are topless and stoic. Imagine having to cut gnarly salt water hair? Ouch.

Paulo's dude is HOT. Dee's looking to kick some "muthaf*ckin ass". She'll need a stepstool. There's twins! They look like quiet-souled rat people. Paulo is freaked out by his dirty hair. Dude, your dude has a chest like a barrel, tats, and he's in a wetsuit. Step aside and I'll get dirty with him.

Daniel has this weird thing where's concerned with Nicole. He always brings her ass up. She must remind him of the one girl he tried to have sex with who laughed at him and rolled over after exclaiming "you like boys!" Nicole says that she knows Daniel and Glenn have been talking about how they want her to go home. Apparently some people were annoyed that she grabbed the first pair of flip-flops this morning.

Nicole says something obscene but I couldn't read her lips past the beep. Come out with it! Daniel cuts his rooster's hair too short and gives him a cowlick. Ouch. A permanent one. Glenn is cutting eyebrows. Dee seems to realize that her twins is actually a man.

Gail gave her guy a combover and those two bitchy queens, Charlie and Paulo, must note it. Why is Roy Teeluck giving us tips about our hair? Can we give him tips about dentistry?

Back to the beach. Glenn totally made her guy look like a mom from Swingtown.  Oscar the Grouch (the judge) gives Paulo low marks. Oscar has no taste. He also likes NONE of the haircuts. Except for Dee. So Glenn had a big ole' FAIL on her twin that she transformed into a womyn. Daniel made his dude's ears look like the radar dishes down at the Comcast head-end. Oh my god, talk about oral sex handles.

Glenn has an issue with Oscar the Judge saying that her guy looked like a girl, because he has a beard. And none of her girlfriends do. I'm glad everyone had the electrolysis. Oscar the Judge uses the phrase "hard core dude" which must make these surfers laugh their asses off. Hopefully they're making enough from Bravo to afford a burger, some surfwax, and a dimebag.

Nicole wins, and does cartwheels. Settle down, please. You're kicking sand in my face. The next day, everyone gathers for the actual challenge that means anything this episode. Here's Rene, still claiming he's Danish, but I'm thinking more Saturn. The clients enter, and they're bald. Bald women. Is this going to be one of those tear-jerker challenges? That hole where my heart and soul should be can't deal with that.

Bald women attack! All of these women have alopeica. They don't have any hair. At all. Paulo is already crying. He gets called out. Pity has no place in this contest! You're here to win, so you better style a wig and come correct. Oh who am I kidding, I'm already crying into my wineglass.

Nicole hasn't cut a wig before. How will Paulo cut through tears? He's going to stab the bitch! It's bad enough that I'm bald now I have a flesh wound, asshole! Daniel says he's had some experience with wigs. No, shit. You? Everyone's having a issue. Christ, please retain your wits. Where's Charlie to give some shade? Oh here he is.

"Part of the challenge, Nekisa," he croaks, "was to change the hair..." You tell her, weeble! Glenn is covering her model's face with hair, as if she should be ashamed. Nicole has completely hacked her model's wig into a Captain Caveman-looking mess. Nicole cracks up. Rene comes over to hug Nicole and try to talk her ass down from her psyche-ledge. Nicole's all "I don't care about the challenge!" and acknowledging this woman's pain. I seriously don't turn into reality TV to see actual humans.

Hair show! That's my new band name. Worm Lips is here. Kim Vo isn't watching the clients. Let's see HIM go bald. Paulo made his chick look HOT! Go Maxim! I just want everyone to win. Nekisa's model sells her out and you know she's thinking "Bald bitch! How dare you?" Nekisa gets choked up. Jaclyn drops Farrah Fawcett's name, and I love her for that.

Charlie is told his looks like a helmet. A brown football helmet. Oh my god, Steel Magnolias. That's not as bad as Gail making her chick look old as the hills. Nicole gives a speech. And I don't think hers is that bad, actually. I mean, she does look like she got in a fight with a weed-wacker, but she likes it.

Charlie is playing it too safe. That weeble is wobbling. Nicole actually passes! You can drink your tears from the big mug now, Nicole. Paulo and Nicole are in the bottom two. Paulo embarrasses himself by thrusting his pelvis at Jaclyn Smith. You dont do that to Jaclyn Smith. She's a lady. I'm glad he won, though. His chick looked hot.

It's down to Nekisa, Gail, and Charlie. Dee makes a pained face because she's so up in Nekisa's butt that she might lose some accessories and perhaps a shoe. Nekisa cries to us. Charlie acknowledges he sucked, but Gail is going home. Their goodbye takes about 15 minutes. Move it along.

Jaclyn gives a lovely speech to Gail, and she's my favorite reality judge. Because she's like a mom. A hot cougar mom. Shake it, Jac!

Next - KATE JACKSON! KATE JACKSON! Oh, and Nekisa goes after Charlie.