America's Got Talent - MySpace Auditions (Episode 307)

It's the last week of auditions, before the truly talented are whittled down in Las Vegas. This week, our hopefuls come to us from MySpace. Oh, good Lord. If anyone sings "Chocolate Rain," I'm outta here. First up is 37-year-old Guns 'n' Roses reject Michael Trixx from Cape Cod, who claims he's been a magician for 12 years. He promises the judges a "rock 'n' roll magic show." The only thing rock 'n' roll about his act was the fact that he used Judas Priest's "You've Got Another Thing Coming" to do his amateur-level tricks. Sharon says he reminds her of "Lord of the Rings" and calls him a "rock 'n' roll Hobbit" (that would be an awesome song title, wouldn't it?) Piers said his act "looked a bit cheap." You can't teach an old Hobbit new Trixx, I suppose. Next up, "glam rockers" Diva Boy (a model agency owner) and the Sexplosion Dancers. Mr. Boy looks a bit more New Romantic to me, but I could be wrong. They lip synch to a weak song and basically walk back and forth across the stage. Not surprisingly, theyre not off to Vegas either. Thank God this episode is only an hour.

33-year-old Eloy Rendon from Laredo, Texas says he's a "winner" and an "over-conqueror," he's a motivational speaker and asserts that he's going to "motivate" the judges through spoken word. All he manages to do is motivate them to hit their buzzers with his awful take on poetry slam. The Spice Girls' "Stop" begins playing in the background, so you know this is going to be a "loser montage." Among the featured acts are factory worker Del Hampton, who is the "nine-time and reigning national cluck-off champion." Which means he apparently does a mean chicken impersonation. Yikes. "Entertainer" David Deeble doesn't even get a chance to set off fireworks off in his pants before being forced off stage (hey, I wanted to see that!) All I can say about Suzy Trunquist is that she sings the most frightening rendition of "The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia" ever. And amidst the parade of less-than-talented acts emerges yet another Ozzy Osbourne impersonator. Have they not learned already? Randy Hanson does a half-assed talking Ozzy and then attempts to sing "Paranoid." Attempts is the key word. Hey Randy, just 'cause you're middle-aged and still have long hair (which should be impressive enough) doesn't mean you have a future career as an Ozzy tribute act. For some (inexplicable) reason, the crowd loves him. Sharon wants him to take his trousers down so she can make sure he's not her hubby. Piers said that since Sharon is confused, he must be a good impersonator and gives him the pass. Sharon says he's a good impersonator and, all of a sudden, he's in the semi-finals. I can't believe he made it through. Expect to see many more awful Ozzy impersonators next season.

44 year-old nurse Holly Stone has always wanted to be a singer, but life seemed to get in the way. At 18, she found herself pregnant and ended up giving the baby up for adoption. She used the Internet (MySpace, specifically) to find the daughter she gave up. Holly and her daughter eventually met and bonded. After that sob story, she's gotta be good, right? She's okay - I so see her at a piano bar at some rinky-dink hotel off the interstate or as some karaoke hostess somewhere. But I guess the judges are starved for talent by now, so they unanimously move her on to the semis. Did I miss something? Hey, at least her daughter's proud of her.  

College students/aspiring musicians The Cadence, a rock ensemble made up of "nothing but drums, buckets, marching percussion, all percussion genres all rolled into one." They're strapped for cash and are forced to often play with broken drumsticks. The tall group spokesman is quite hot. They've got my vote. They range in age from 21-31 and many of them attend Missouri State. They play a series of drums and buckets and are quite easily the best act of the night so far - although I realize that's not saying much. Piers thought they were pretty good and he liked their looks and energy but advised them that they'd have to bring in some backing music. Sharon agreed that no one is really going to listen to 90 minute of banging on drums and need to broaden their act. Hoff says they should add some choreography. Hoff says yes, Sharon says no and Piers gives the boys the vote that sends them to Vegas. I hope they take the judges' advice, as I'd like to see more of my tall drummer boy!

Our next music cue is Kool and the Gang's "Celebration," so here's the winner montage, starting off with magician Shimshi, who introduces us to a new twist on the old "sawing a woman in half" trick. He saws her into thirds! Hoff's response? "Now that's what I call a boxed lunch!" Sigh. Also moving on are acrobatic jugglers The LaSalle Brothers, impressionist Matthew Piazzi (I think he did George Clooney?) and a capella singers Kazual, who performed a flawless rendition of "In the Still of the Night." Oh, and a mess of middle-aged men in tuxes, The Tapping Dads also move on. They...ummm...tap danced. Hoff said they made their kids proud.

Here comes mother and daughter act Claudia Hutchen and her mom Elaine Clark, a/k/a The Sweetones. Mom is self-taught and promises her talent is "unique". Daughter Claudia was fascinated by her mom's talent and wanted to carry carried on the family tradition. They whistle. The crowd hates them and my dog is looking quizzically at the TV with her head cocked to the side. Well, it's different. Sharon and Hoff refuse to put us out of our collective misery until the ladies finish their entire song. Hoff deferred to Sharon. Sharon said no one could listen to whistling for 90 minutes, but mama Elaine says she can go for three hours in a row. I've heard that about women as they get older. Piers called the act "irritating, pointless, childish and a waste of time." They're not moving on. I'm shocked.

Ok, it's sob story of the week time. And this week, it's one of our fighting men. Oh, like he's not going to move on. Father of three and Army man Daniel Jens was in Iraq for 15 months and used music to keep his - and his fellow soldiers' spirits up while overseas. He takes the stage in his fatigues - oh, he's going to have to totally suck not to make it through to vegas. He sings a slightly different take on Edwin McCain's "I'll Be". But, as with most of the singers on this show, he's good, but not $1 million good. Sorry Dan, I've got a brother-in-law in the Army, so it's nothing personal, really. I just have yet to hear a singer on this show who is deserving of the big money. But, of course, Daniel is a crowd pleaser and he gave Sharon goose bumps. Piers says he's got charisma and appeal but needs work on his singing (hey, at least I'm not alone in my critique.) Hoff said he sang his heart out. Piers tells him to bring his wife out and she said the time he was away was "the toughest 15 months" of her life. So, yeah, he's going to Vegas. Hey, at least he's better than Ronny G., and he seems like a really sweet, humble guy. Next week, the Vegas callbacks begin!