Shear Genius: You Definitely Can't Pick Your Family...

Previously - The stylists worked on dogs. Nekisa's ass finally got bounced. Charlie is still the worst thing to come out of gay hell since...ok, he's the worst thing to come out of gay hell.

LA.. Home of the pit of hell known as the Shear Genius Nexus Salon. Dee made the wall. We get the same tired quotes from the stylists. The guy responsible for Sanjaya's pony faux hawk is here, and he's a tank of a man.

The stylists only have 30 minutes to cut their hair. It's five year old girls. Hopefully one of them pees on Charlie, who's wearing a big black tit flower over his Hanes Beefy T. Paulo's child is terrified of him. Well, he does look like the Big Gay Wolf.

So big American Idol hair stylist dude cuts the hair of his 75 nieces and nephews. Uh, condoms? Vasectomies? So there's our population control problem.

The little girls are starting first grade and MUST look their best. Jesus, Jaclyn, don't put pressure on the children! Daniel's client wants her hair to look like Jaclyn's. Charlie's Angels old lady? I love it. How hot would these girls look rolling up on first grade with the Farrah? HAH!

American Idol tank boy is hot. Daniel is making his look like Jon Benet Ramsey and that's never a good sign. How do these little girls know what a "bob" is? Little girls are adorable as long as they're not crying.

Charlie's girl wants to look like Paris Hilton. I would shove that child in a convent so fast. It's so weird to watch little girls be done up like this. They should be nursing skinned knees on the playground, not looking like they're wondering who took their glass of champagne.

Judging! Jaclyn's like "this little bitch will never be me!" I seriously want to buy American Idol tank ass a sub. Paulo notes that Dee is butch. Nicole's girl is intense is HELL. She's staring like its the SATs. Dee's girl looks like a Russian spy. Seriously, she has the microchip and she's evaded the guards.

American Idol feels that Paulo should have employed a barrette. And Dee didn't get the chance to cut her bangs up to snuff. Daniel and Charlie are in the top two. And tiny Jaclyn takes it! Oh the child beauty paegent! Paulo says he's making his next model look like Kim Vo. WORM LIPS!

The stylists go home to get shitfaced. They get so trashed that they start imitating fallen contestants. It's not that funny. Nicole copied Meredith by making her look like Norma Desmond. Charlie came out, sorta in full drag or he just took pants off to expose the tights he was already wearing, to play Nekisa. Eh. Nicole wins. Then they even made fun of quiet Gail. Ouch. Hairstylists are drunks and they will cut you.

Here's Rene. What, Rene? I don't get it. What are you saying? The stylists' families are here. Daniel describes his mom as "blonde hair, big teeth and big titties." Uh. I'm very close with my mom, RiRi Harvey. But you are never going to find me introducing her by her breasts. Charlie says he's happy his sister is here, but his face says something else. He's probably nervous she's going to find out he's been wearing half her clothes the whole time he's been on the show.

Paulo is much too old to be using the phrase "hella' trippin'." Actually, that phrase is much too old to be used. Dee and her mom look EXACTLY alike. Linda Lou? We find out that Charlie is in business with his sister. He must be a joy to work with.

And of course, they have to cut other people's hair. Yikes. Some of these people are no joke and will exact vengeance by harming family members. Daniel feels like his mom will outbitch Charlie. Nicole gets Dee's Mom's Mom hair.

Nicole is taking ALL of Linda's hair off. Dee's into her mom and it touches me. And Mom isn't referring to her as "evil dyke" so that's good. Rene is playing with Nicole's Mom's hair like some sort of perverted hair fetishist. Paulo is painting Charlie's sister's head. He must hate that bitch. Charlie, I mean.

Daniel made Nicole's Mom look like a beauty queen. A beauty queen judge. Nicole chopped Dee's Mom's hair off. Kim Vo is here! David Baba Yaga is here and no one knows who the hell he is. But he's running with the theme of fat judges this episode.

Paulo made Charlie's sister look like she's been out in the heavy metal parking lot. He's going home. KIm Vo tells Dee she created Nekisa's hair on Paulo's cousin. By the way? Daniel is his mom. They're the same person. Daniel has done his mother's hair since he was nine. The father must have left immediately.

Fat judge is obsessed with the technical. Charlie's sister is like I hate my hair. Charlie probably has her ready to betray Paulo in a heartbeat. She holds back from the full Charlie, but does kinda insinuate it's not her. Paulo's goin' home.

Dee goes back to the greenroom to hit on Paulo's cousin. Her vagina does not rest. Fat judge is wearing the jewels of the Tower of London on his finger. Gauche. Nicole might get screwed for cutting Dee's mom's hair so butchy butch. Charlie likes that Dee's pissed over his win. He's so negative. Dee should punch him in his vagine. Just enjoy your win, dude.  

It's down to Nicole and Paulo. Paulo's packing his gay wolf mama ass and heading home. Paulo gives an Academy Award speech. A long, long speech. Nicole sobs. Jaclyn tells them that their work has to be Shear Genius to win 100K. Haven't we learned that cutting hair can't always be Shear Genius on command? Shit happens, Paulo says.

Next - Determining the final three. Bitches get hosed down.