So with last week's headscratching HOH deal from Dan, you thought this season wasn't going to get any weirder, right? Well, actually... yeah. Yeah, I'd say that's probably going to be the high point of excitement this time around on 'Big Brother'. No matter, though - we got some serious bitchslappery and weirdness going on last night, so let's take a look. The hamsters are quickly learning that it's always the quiet ones you have to worry about the most, aren't they? It's about damn time this crap got interesting. More Big Brother after the jump...
So a quick recap - Dan won HOH, but only because he made a deal with Ollie to get it. The deal was that the two of them would name the nominees together, and on top of that, Ollie would get to name the replacement nominee if the POV was used to get either of their nominees off the block. Take a minute to digest that, and then come on back. It's either pure genius or unbridled stupidity and arrogance on Dan's part, and I guess we're just going to have to see which one it turns out to be. Ollie starts us off this episode by bragging about the deal he made with Dan, but Dan tells us in the DR that in actuality, the risk he's taking by giving Ollie so much power is totally calculated. To the rest of the house, Memphis only got nominated alongside Jerry because Ollie wanted him to be. Not so, says Dan. Memphis is really only nominated to hide their Renegades alliance, he claims. Um, okay. But how did he know that Ollie would name Memphis as his nominee choice? Hmm.
Dan and Memphis talk in the HOH room now, and despite Memphis' worries about what's going to happen this week now that he's nominated, Dan tells him not to worry his pointy little head. He also tells him about the last part of the deal he made with Ollie - if the POV is used on either of the nominees, Ollie gets to pick the replacement nominee. After Memphis finishes cleaning the crap out of his pants in the luxury of the HOH bathroom, Dan tells him again not to worry. Why? Well, mainly because that's not what is going to happen. Regardless of what happens in the POV, Dan's plan all along has been to get Michelle out. You see, Season 10ers? That's what we call a backdoor on this here show, and it's basically what makes this crapfest somewhat interesting year after year. As silly and somewhat needless as Dan's plan might be (what would've been so awful about just nominating Ollie and Jerry with the replacement nominee of Michelle?), at least it's something interesting. Memphis still looks unconvinced, but Dan does his best to talk him down. I'm not letting Ollie pick a damn thing, he says. No way. There are more holes in Dan's plan than a golf course, but once again - at least it keeps my eyes from wanting to close.
Dan goes to the rest of his alliance, Renny and Keesha, to let them in on the plan. He tells them that Ollie wanted Michelle protected as part of the deal he made, and that tells Renny that the two of them are just as secretly aligned as Dan and Memphis are. 'So what happens if Memphis vetoes himself, Dan?' asks Renny, and Dan makes it short and sweet. Then I put Michelle up and screw Ollie over completely, he says. Renny's just as wishy-washy on the whole plan as Memphis (and the entire viewing audience) seems to be, and what's more, she's getting a little sick of Dan telling her to trust him, too. Dan, my friend, you better make this cockamamie scheme work, because if you don't, you're gonna be in a world of hurt from the people you keep telling to trust you.
Next door, Ollie is telling Jerry and Michelle about the deal he made with Dan this week, mostly about the part concerning POV. They all seem pretty happy with it, but all I can really think while they're all sucking each other's dicks about is this - have ANY of them actually watched this show before? James pulled this same kind of shit on Natalie just last season. Evel Dick lied to more people in this fashion than I can even remember, and don't even get me STARTED on the Chill Town legacy in this house. However, because I can barely stand to look at Ollie's face without wanting to throw something hard and pointy at it, I cannot wait to see the whole thing blow up right in front of him. Can. Not. Wait.
OMG! Emergency meeting in the living room now, and the Screen of God that usually has Chenbot's face on it tells everyone about the America's Choice vote for this week. You know, the phone call from home or whatever. Why can't it ever be anything interesting? "Houseguests, the winner of a pound of chronic and two Filipino transvestite hookers is... JERRY!" Doesn't that sound infinitely more fun than watching Jerry yammer into the telephone while talking to his eerily blank-faced grandchildren? By the way, every single person standing outside of every single theater in America that is showing 'Tropic Thunder' right now has threatened me with death if I even REMOTELY make fun of Jerry's Parkinson's-inflicted wife, and no matter how much I'd love to finally live out my killed-by-an-angry-mob fantasies, I shall refrain. On that note, go see 'Tropic Thunder' this weekend. You will absolutely laugh yourself retarded.
Up in the HOH room again, and here are Memphis, Keesha, and Dan debating whether or not Michelle has the cajones to vote out Memphis. Well, duh. Of course she would. I think Michelle's got more cajones than any of us realize. They don't call her 'Manchelle' for nothing, you know. Anyway, the three of them agree that one of the three of them need to win POV so they can backdoor Michelle and send Dan's deal with Ollie right out the goddamn window. Man, oh MAN is this going to be good.
Time to pick players for POV, and it's Dan, Memphis, Jerry, Renny, Keesha, and much to Dan's disappointment, Michelle. He wanted her to remain out of this comp completely to seal his backdoor deal, but alas, Jerry stuck his therapeutic-shoed foot right in the door of that one. See, Jerry figures that if Michelle wins it, she'll take Jerry off and allow Ollie to pick the replacement. Heh. Ollie doesn't get picked for POV, and that makes him a little nervous about the Dan deal, so he goes to HOH to make sure everything's still on track. Dan lies his ass off and tells him that it is. Finally! Some lying! HURRAY!
Alright, here's the competition, and the hamsters will have to put a puzzle together while dressed in some admittedly kinda-cool spacesuits that BB apparently whipped up with duct tape and tin foil. The contestants will be strapped into a harness that will fly them from one podium at one end of the yard to the other. At one end are puzzle pieces, and at the other, the frame that the puzzle pieces go into to form the goddamned puzzle. I liked the mini-zipline thingys that they used to get from one end of the yard to the other. I'm ripping out the stairs in my house and putting a set or two of those up instead.
Because the Big Brother peeps were to cheap to build a bigger course, the puzzle race will be run in two heats and a final. The winners of the two heats will face off in the final, and the winner gets POV. Heat 1 begins, and it's Dan, Keesha, and Michelle. Michelle comes close, but Keesha edges her out and wins the first heat, much to Dan's delight. He can't have any chance of winning the POV himself, can he? That just wouldn't work at all.
Heat 2 now, and it's Memphis, Jerry, and Renny. Renny doesn't have a chance in hell of winning because she seems just about as enamored of the mini-zipline thingys as I am, and Jerry? Forget it. I'm fairly certain that he crapped in his spacesuit the minute the buzzer sounded. Memphis wins by a landslide, so once again to Dan's delight, it's Memphis and Keesha in the final. Memphis winds up nosing Keesha out for the win, and both Dan AND Ollie couldn't be more happy about it. Guess which one of them is actually going to remain that way for much longer? Heh. Congratulations, Ollie. No one deserves it more than you do.
Dan and Memphis suck each other's dicks in celebration up in the HOH room for a while, but they're interrupted by Keesha and Renny. The two ladies seem happy about the result of the POV comp, but they're in for a surprise when Dan fills them in on what's about to happen. Renny and Keesha learn quickly that if the plan had gone according to how Ollie would've preferred it to, one of them would've had to go up in Memphis' place. Dan reassures them both that that's not about to happen, though, and he asks them to just keep quiet and watch his ass should any chairs or large broken shards of the glass sliding door start to go flying once the final phase of Dan's plan goes into effect. There is no TELLING what Ollie is going to do here, and Dan is smart to ensure that he'll have two nice, soft women to hide behind. Nice job, Dan. Too bad they don't have any aprons for you to hide under.
Ollie is still nervous about this whole thing, so he goes up AGAIN to Dan's HOH room to make sure everything's still alright. 'Oh yeah!' says Dan. 'No problem!' Ollie, you are SO dumb. No wonder you wound up with April.
Showtime for Danny Boy now, and I have to give him this - he must realize that he's about to put himself into a very bad place, because his cover for it is fairly brilliant. Check it out - he concocts a game called 'Replacement Nominee Roulette', and in this game, he's going to ask each of the four non-nominated hamsters who they would want as the replacement nominee. Not only that, though, as he's going to ask them this question AT THE POV CEREMONY. It's a wild chaotic stab at creating as much confusion and resentment as possible in order to take the attention off of himself, and man, I think it just might work.
One at a time, he calls the non-nominated people into the HOH room to ask/give them their selections for replacement nominee. Michelle says she would put Keesha up, and that's honestly her choice. Ollie's next, and despite the fact that he wants Keesha to go up as the replacement nominee, Dan pressures him into playing along with his little game by making him promise that he'll name Renny as his choice. Keesha's next, and she'll say Michelle as her choice. No problem. Keesha's not hard to convince, if you know what I mean. Renny is next, and when Dan tells her that she should name Ollie as her choice, she's got issues with it. 'Why would I do that?' she says. Well, yeah Dan - why would she want to do that? Renny and Ollie are fairly close in the house no matter what side of their alliances they fall on, so if there is a mistake in Dan's little game, it's right here. However, Renny is convinced to name Ollie as her choice when Dan tells her that Ollie will be saying hers, and I think that proves how nasty Renny can truly be when she wants to be. To be honest, I love that about her. I don't think we've seen how truly manipulative Renny can be when she wants to be, and for the good of the rest of the season, I hope it's not too late to find out. Renny winning HOH this week for the Fast Forward double eviction would be EPIC.
So FINALLY we get to the POV ceremony, and no one is surprised when Memphis vetoes himself off the block. Sit back, everyone - it's time for the fireworks. It's time for Dan to pick a replacement nominee, but before he does that, 'Replacement Nominee Roulette' goes into effect. Dan adds a few rules to the game - they must name a player to be replacement nommed, they must be truthful about it, and any kind of hesitation or refusal to play Dan's game will be met with an instant replacement nomination from Dan right on the spot. BAM! My man's taking no prisoners here. GO DAN GO! I can't believe I'm saying this about Season 10, but HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING GREAT! The best part about it all is that throughout Dan's explanation of the game, you can practically SEE Ollie's and Michelle's pants filling with shit as they realize that this is not about to go as they had envisioned. HA HA HA!
Everyone's 'choice' of replacement nominee goes as planned - Michelle names Keesha, Ollie names Renny, Keesha names Michelle, and Renny names Ollie. Just as Dan orchestrated, of course, but what makes it all even sweeter is that none of the four game players know who was going to choose them as the replacement nominee, and because of that, you can SEE the resentment build on everyone's face when their name is called. It is PRICELESS. You can practically hear the fuse burning down on the enormous keg of dynamite that Dan has just lit. As pointless and showy as all of this stuff really is, though, I gotta admire Dan's dramatic build-up to what is essentially his masterstroke for the week, and maybe even the season. I quote -
"Now the thing about any time that you gamble, you're taking a risk, and in this house, someone's gamble is someone else's safety. And unfortunately, you better know who's making a bet for you. Ollie, you lost the bet. Michelle, go on the block."
WHA-BAM! The Portugese Princess huffs her way over to the block and sits her ass down, the resentment and bewilderment practically GLOWING on her face. Ollie suddenly realizes that no one is going to just hand him $500,000 for doing little more than nailing some bimbo on the floor, and the expression on his face reads like Ivan Drago when Rocky suddenly started punching back. Memphis closes the wooden POV box with the POV still on his neck (dumbass), and we're done. I'll wait until everyone stops applauding to continue.
Dan has sealed his fate here, but in what way? He's going to have to do some serious ducking and weaving from here on out to keep himself in the game, and I think his largest asset towards doing so is his ability to throw out huge amounts of chaos around whenever he finds himself too far in the corner. Sure, it was a weird way to backdoor someone, but it essentially worked, right? There's no way in the world that anyone from his crew is going to flip sides and boot Jerry instead of Michelle this week, and that leaves Ollie and Jerry out there by themselves. Last time I counted, 4 was larger than 2. As long as Ollie or Jerry don't win HOH this week and make Dan work a little bit to keep himself around, I'd say our man can definitely count on making at least final four. Hey, as short-lived as his victory may be, at least he'll be able to make the claim that he went out in a fiery blaze of glory, and more importantly, he made for some damn fine television in the process. WWDWD?
Anyway, in the aftermath of all that, Michelle's still trying to figure out what in the hell just happened, Dan pats himself on the back for completely flipping the script on this entire season, and Ollie starts throwing toys out of his crib. No, seriously, he does. He throws a lollipop against the wall, flips over a lamp in the backyard, and does all kinds of other ridiculous shit that you can view in beautiful living color simply by clicking here. And here. Oh, and here. And ESPECIALLY here. Tell me, Ollie - does your Dad know that in addition to nailing bimbos on television, you're also calling people 'faggot', as well? What part of the sermon is that in? Sweet talkin' son of a preacher man...
Double eviction week! The Fast Forward show is Thursday, and I don't think I have to tell anyone how kooky it's definitely going to be. See you then!
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