Primeval Episode Four

Important Stats:  
Terrifying Dinosaur Count: 0 (Phew, maybe we’re done with them for a long, long time)
Anomalies: 7 (But I may have missed a couple)
Number of Big Damn Heroes: 2
Times Stephen uses convenient props to trap things: 2
Big Beastie: Parasitic Dodos (AKA: Donald, Daisy, Huey, Louie, Dewey and Tom.)  

After the recaps of the anomalies, the big beasties, and the bitch , we hop right into the credits.  You know, with the way this show is racking up mythology – the anomaly arc, the Helen arc, the security arc, the Connor fitting in arc, never mind all the ‘ships floating around the fandom, they’re going to need a longer intro recap.  Of course, a longer intro recap would eat into the show which would be the biggest travesty of all because then how would they find time to provide me with more images of half-naked Stephen?

We begin with an average day in the neighbourhood.  A mother is yelling at some children not to make so much noise, while her son is inside, taking a bath.  Suddenly, a slithery creature which is either a beast from the past, an urban legend, or Voledmort’s Nagini peeks out of the toilet.

Did you know the Home Office has a maximum security wing?  Who knew?  I’m assuming they just didn’t build it for Helen Cutter, but there she is, getting led around in shackles.   When Helen argues that kidnapping is against the law, I’m a little saddened by Lester’s argument that you can’t kidnap someone legally dead.  Well, I’d use the argument that Snappy or Fluffy or Skip didn’t get around to writing any laws during prehistoric times, so, technically, it isn’t illegal at all, since that’s when the crime was committed.

The interrogation doesn’t get very far as the report of Nagini in the toilet interrupts and we switch over to Captain awesome Ryan and the SAS going to investigate.  As the armed team rushes the building, the kids playing football earlier all raise their hands as if they’re the ones in trouble.  Children can be little monsters sometimes, but not the kind the SAS are after.

Nick Cutter, his scorching hot assistant / pit bull / bloodhound / bodyguard / excuse for slash Stephen Hart and Connor Temple have arrived to investigate.  When Stephen kicks the football, hitting the sign banning football, Connor snarks, “fluke.”

“Jealous,” Stephen snarks back.  Seriously, these two just need to give each other wedgies, short-sheet the beds and fill the other’s underwear with itching powder and then they can officially be called siblings.  

Needless to say, the mother is appalled at the SAS showing up to deal with what’s in her bathroom.  “Town Council takes pest control very seriously, Mrs. Davis” Cutter tells her, with a straight face.  

While everyone is relieved to see it’s just a python (except for Mrs. Davis, who deafens Connor), no one makes the crack screaming out to be made here.

Lester isn’t amused and he thinks Helen knew it was a false alarm.  You know, for all his asshole-ish behaviour, it’s weird how, every once in a while, he lets on that he’s much more astute than he appears.  Anyway, there’s a bit more banter between Helen, Lester and Claudia about duty and saving lives, but Helen, which we learned last week, isn’t that interested in humanity.  What she is interested in is making Nick miserable, because she’ll only talk if he’s brought to her.  Thus, it’s left to Claudia to convince Nick to come and talk to his psycho-ex.

Back in the Davis flat, Stephen’s looking very awkward holding a snake, much to Abby’s amusement so she has to show him how it’s done.  Next, Stephen claims he needs to get a bigger sack and Connor asks to stay with Abby for a few days as she holds Stephen’s snake.  Top that up with Abby repaying the favour by leaving Stephen holding a large snake in a big sack (and Connor won’t touch it) and we have comedy gold.  

Perhaps disappearing through the anomaly was the best way to end the Cutter marriage because, honestly, considering how these two treat each other now (she thinks he set her up; he wants an explanation for this bullshit and it all has to be recorded for security purposes) can you imagine what would’ve happened if lawyers got involved?

“In the next few hours, a pride of saber-tooth killers will be rampaging through central London,” so that’s what it would be like!  Oh, I’m sorry; she meant a literal pride.  

For some reason, Cutter believes her.  Why?  Has he learned nothing?  She pretended she was dead for eight years; does he really think a lie about some cats on steroids with a serious overbite problem is beyond her?

In what is probably going to be remembered as the biggest mistake of his life, Connor has his friends, Tocan, take him over to Abby’s.  I love how he needs to go stay with a member of the team because he can’t exactly explain to the public why he lost his keys.

He compounds the mistake by blackmailing the scantily-clad Abby into kissing him, in full view of Tocan.  Why is it a mistake?  Tocan’s given him a present, a tracking device in the form of a Roswell keychain.  Seeing Connor with a girl, even if it is a girl he has to blackmail about Rex before she’ll give him so much as a peck on the cheek, makes Tocan even more determined to find out what secrets he’s been hiding from them.  

Tocan gets the thrill of their lives when Stephen, complete in resplendently ugly plaid shirt that he really needs to take off, right now, rings Abby’s bell.  Strangely enough, he’s just as taken aback by Abby in her underwear that Connor was when he first saw it.  

Imagine what Tocan would think if there knew that Stephen found not only Abby, but Connor equally as undressed?  Sure, they stumble through an explanation about Connor needing a place to stay and the thermostat being broken, but really, there’s nothing that can possibly be said that won’t sound like they’re covering for sex.

Speaking of covering, Rex stays nicely hidden while Stephen suggests the pair of humans find some trousers, as they’ve got to go investigate Helen’s claims.

Okay, is it only Lester and I who see through Helen?  A woman, who wants to get out of the maximum security wing, claims that she’ll only save London from a bunch of overgrown cats if she can be taken out of said wing, to a site only she knows?  Oh, thank whatever because Claudia’s come to her senses and is now on my side.  I never again want to be the only person who agrees with Lester.

“She might well be selfish, but she’s not evil,” Cutter insists.   Personally, I think this statement says much more about Nick Cutter than it ever could about Helen.

Using the only leverage he has, the Home Office’s fear of all this becoming public, Cutter wisely comments on how the tourists probably won’t be so keen on London if the slogan becomes: “London: we’ll try our best not to eat you.”

The anomaly to which Helen was referring is behind a pair of metal doors in a football stadium’s kitchen.  Personally, I’m surprised they could even get them open, considering the magnetic field surrounding the anomaly, but with the supremely manly efforts of Stephen and Captain Ryan, they pull it open, only to be rewarded by metal kitchen utensils flying at their heads.  At one point, Stephen has to save Connor from a flying funnel.  “This is where you duck,” Stephen informs him.

As everyone’s avoiding flying spatulas, Helen is snarky with Claudia.  Oh please don’t let this turn into a catfight over Cutter.  Both Claudia and Helen are strong female characters, even if the latter is completely psycho.  I don’t want them to devolve into bad parodies, please.

Outside, Tocan is watching in their extremely non-stealthy vehicle.  So the real question is why is no one noticing the big yellow hippie van in the parking lot if there isn’t a match on?

Helen freaks out about some meat pies in the kitchen, claiming the Saber-Tooth tigers will smell them and come for dinner, with a second course of tasty humans.  Amidst all the panic in removing meat pies, Helen escapes through the anomaly.  Wow, escape via meat pastries.  That’s got to be a first.

Captain Ryan chases after Helen, while Cutter is held back.  Of course, what’s a hot assistant / pit bull / bloodhound / bodyguard / excuse for slash supposed to do when the hero is stopped?  Go in his place.  He nearly gets in Ryan’s sights in the process and then Stephen stands up and looks around where the anomaly took them.  

As the team gathers around the image of the other side of the anomaly, Claudia’s a bit miffed that Cutter tried to follow his wife, yet, at the same time, slightly smug about being right.  

Suddenly, something starts coming through the anomaly, but instead of killer cats, we get something completely different: dodos.  Unfortunately, it would be impossible to describe how truly hilarious it is to watch the highly trained SAS and the team, chasing around a bunch of adorable dodos.  It looks like a cross between a parent wrangling a toddler and someone desperate to find a toilet.  Plus, the dodos are adorable.

One of them swallows the Roswell keychain and makes a break for it, only to find itself amongst its own kind, Tocan.  One of them thinks that Connor’s been turned into a turkey.  So, despite the stupidity of that comment, somehow the pair manages to catch Donald the dodo and take him home.

Inside the kitchen, as the team tries to usher each of the dodos back through the anomaly, Abby tries to explain to Stephen about Connor in his underwear, but it all comes out wrong.

Oh no, dodo emergency!  Huey has expired and now there’s going to be the first ever dodo autopsy.  I hope someone films it for Fox Television.  So not only has the team lost Helen, because the anomaly is weakening, but also they’ve lost Huey.  Sniff.

Tocan’s got a plan of their own.  They’re going to use Donald to pay off their student loans.  They’re even going to sell dodo vomit on e-bay.  Since Donald upchucked on some Converse shoes, I’m sure they could sell them too and claim they’re from the current Doctor. (Well, considering some other stuff that’s sold on there, they should expect a high price.)  As one half of Tocan is a sympathetic vomiter, it’s left to the other to care for Donald.

That Home Office is sure one useful building.  It has a maximum security area, and an autopsy room.  I think it’s one of those buildings that simply changes as often as the plot requires.  Anyway, during the dodo-autopsy, a parasite crawls out of Huey’s mouth and tries to attack Abby.  For the second time in this episode, Stephen uses a convenient prop to trap something.  Earlier, he trapped Louie with a garbage can, and now a bell jar holds the parasite.  

Back at Tocan’s, Donald is being a typical guy and hogging the remote control.  A bit of a fight ensues for the remote, but really, if they’d just told Donald to turn around, they could’ve avoided all necessary squawking and Donald charging the TV because he’s not a fan of the Godzilla movies.

Just in case we didn’t already know something was wrong with our dodos, we’re told (via reading what I think is Connor’s website) that dodos are supposed to be harmless.  That’s the equivalent of an evil overlord saying “nothing can stop me” because that’s the cue for Donald to bite Tom.  Yes, I now have to separate Tocan because Tom’s the one with the injury and Duncan is just an idiot.

Once Duncan puts Huey away for a nap, Tocan realizes that whatever bit Tom had teeth.  Of course, they come to the obvious conclusion: the government is creating attack Dodos.  They must’ve watched Batman Returns too many times.

Clearly, it’s time for some exposition explaining WTF is going on.  This is nicely provided by Cutter and it sums up to this: the parasite lays its eggs by biting and will kill you.

Now that we know exactly what is happening to Tom, who is writhing on the floor in agony, Duncan proves to be about as useless as an eraser to remove a tattoo.  His response to an angry dodo (who keeps trying to attack the light bulb, which is important) and a sick best friend is to grab his coat and run out the door.  Well, he’s still useless but at least he won’t be cold.  It wouldn’t surprise me if he had a pair of mittens attached via string in his jacket somewhere.

Okay, so he isn’t entirely useless as he goes to get help from Connor.  This just brings the team, the SAS, threats of treason and some dead-dodo poking into Duncan’s life.  For once, Claudia isn’t the one having the worst day ever.

Now all they know is that Tom is probably trying to avoid the light, but what he isn’t avoiding is the hospital.  All we get are some pre and post vomit shots and something crawling under Tom’s skin.  I know it’s all part of the plot, but it’s still seriously gross.

Now the team is stuck finding the other half of Tocan, while hoping he neither bites nor kisses anyone.  When Lester comments the kissing part is out of the question, I start having serious qualms about my character.

Fortunately, I get back my moral superiority when I feel badly for Cutter, as Lester implies that not only did Helen release the dodos on purpose, but also she clearly doesn’t give a crap about Nick, since the parasite could infect him too and she’s ditched him for another prehistoric era.  Ouch.

Tom gets scanned by the doctor and I want someone to say, “It’s not lupus!”  Even though the doctor finds the parasite, Tom bites him before running away.  Seriously, can I just say how cool it would’ve been if my wish would come true?

Thus Tom hides in the bathroom and calls Duncan, still convinced it’s a government conspiracy to control people but when Connor gets on the phone, Tom’s paranoia ramps up into Fox Mulder level.  Now the poor, ginger-haired dodo is on his own.  His only way to get the proof of the government conspiracy he needs is to find Donald using the tracking device.

Just as Tom is leaving the hospital, Cutter, Claudia and Stephen arrive.  Stephen actually sees Tom and pauses, and scream at him to trust his tracking instincts.  For some reason, that doesn’t work, and the three try to convince the doctor to say that it’s rabies, while insisting he needs to have some surgery, and quickly.  As for the spreading of the parasite, the only hope is that Tom’s will not to hurt other people is better than his ability to formulate super-secret plans to catch Connor.

The search for Tom has stalled so Stephen’s off to ask Connor and Duncan about the top nerdly hang-outs and Cutter, who is feeling so utterly useless, does the only thing he can, try to convince Claudia that Helen isn’t responsible.  

Okay, where we are now completely confuses me.  There’s no way Tom could get into the Home Office, so Abby and the dead Donald are somewhere else.  So now Abby is stuck with one dead parasitic dodo and one live and angry parasitic dodo.  At least this one doesn’t want to hurt her.

Because we’re now at the Home Office, I hope someone there will be some comment about where Abby is at this moment.  Cutter, because the whole convincing Claudia Helen is innocent thing wasn’t working, has joined Stephen in the interview.  Duncan does the stereotypical rant about the masons, the Illuminati, and somewhere, Dan Brown has an orgasm.  While this is all great for Dan Brown, this does nothing to help find Tom before he infects a good portion of central London.

Eventually, Duncan admits to bugging Connor and that Donald ate the keychain, leaving Abby in serious danger.  

There’s a battle of wills between Tom’s paranoia and Tom’s desire not to hurt anyone.  In order to satisfy one, Abby promises to show Tom the truth, and take him to the football stadium, in order not to be infected by a parasite.  Fair trade.

Okay, now I know where Abby was!  She was at the in a part of Cutter lab at the university.  Yeah, I didn’t pick that up before, so sue me.  Therefore, the team is several steps behind Abby, while at the same time, Abby’s up a creek without a paddle.  Yes, I’m mixing my metaphors but how else would you describe having no back-up and no anomaly to prove your point?

All Abby can do now is run for her life!  Running through a football stadium without being accosted by security is, I’m sure, the dream of many young people in the UK, but not when you’re being chased by a parasitic, ginger-haired dodo.  After a brief fight in the locker room, making the best use of a location shoot, Tom tackles her on the pitch.  

With the SAS team arriving, Ryan is all ready to blow Tom and the parasite into oblivion, but Connor steps in the way.  Instead of treating Tom as a parasite, he reminds Tom he’s human, by talking about a litany of sci-fi.  

In short, Connor, who is ultra adorkable here in his seriousness, reminds Tom of what sets him apart from so many people and what he admires the most about sci-fi: it’s a champion of true heroes.  Thus, it’s not the laser sights that convince Tom to let Abby go and not to attack Connor; it’s because he’s a big damn hero at this moment in time.  If you know anything about me, calling him a big damn hero is about as complimentary as I get.

While Tom’s had his moment of being a big damn hero, now it’s Connor’s turn.  He refuses to let Tom be shot and in his friend’s final moments, sits with Tom, assuring his dying friend that he is a big damn hero.  Quietly, Tom dies on the pitch, in control of the parasite and refusing to hurt another person.  It’s a powerful moment between Connor and Tom, and I suddenly get very angry at this show.

Connor’s first reaction is to quit the team, and in what I think is the most sensitive and astute moment Cutter has all season, he understands what needs to be said in order to convince him to stay.  He’s one of only a few people who now what’s going on and can help.  If that’s not epically heroic, than nothing is and Tom would appreciate nothing more than knowing one of his best friends could help save the planet, or, at least, the south of England.

So while Abby doesn’t take this moment to grope hug Stephen, we get the previews for next week instead.  I guess, the BBC isn’t happy with the sci-fi competition so it sent Myfanwy to attack everyone.  I hope someone remembered the barbeque sauce!