Big Brother 10: Episode 1025

So Big Brother 10 is finally winding down to a close, so of COURSE that's when all the cool stuff starts happening. Sumo wrestlers! Gorilla suits! Hot contortionists! Well, I guess the producers had to make up for what was a fairly lackluster season somehow, but throwing a bunch of wacky stuff into it at the end seems kinda cheap, don't you think? Can Season 11 be comprised entirely of hot contortionists, please? Thanks. More Big Brother after the jump...

So last we left them, the four remaining hamsters were trying their hardest to figure out just what in the hell was going on with the sumo wrestler guy in the living room. Dan had just won the penultimate HOH competition, Jerry was certain that he'd be the next one out because of the deal that he was SURE Dan and Memphis had, and Keesha was looking wondrously boobtacular in that black top that she probably wears when a bunch of skeevy corporate execs rent out Hooters for the night. Jerry decides that he needs to start breaking up the other three hamsters, so he does that by sitting on his ass in the backyard with them and throwing out a loaded sentence or two. Atta boy, Jerry.

So back to the sumo guy in the living room. For a while, the hamsters can't make head or tail of what to do with him at all, but after he starts doing a few sumo poses, Dan notices the black envelope lying on the stool beneath Sumo Guy's absolutely ginormous ass. Seriously, has anyone ever seen an ass that big before in their lives? He could knock houses down with that thing. Anyway, Dan runs over and grabs the envelope from Sumo Guy's stool when he has the chance (without telling anyone he's about to do so, natch), and when he opens it, he reveals the first clue to the upcoming luxury competition. The clue also tells him that the luxury comp could very well affect the entire game, so everyone knows it's going to be big. Bigger than Sumo Guy's ass, even. Speaking of which, Sumo Guy has completed his task, so he picks up his bench and exits the house through the storage room. Might wanna check the food supply before he's completely gone, hamsters. Maintaining an ass of that stature certainly can't come cheap.

Much talking ensues. Dan and Memphis discuss what it's going to take to get Jerry out, Keesha's worrying whether or not the two boys actually plan on taking her to the final three, and Jerry's pimping out all the financial help that his kids supposedly need. Well, hell - no one else in the house has any use for money, so they might as well just hand him the check right now, right? Yawn. Jerry also throws out the fact/lie to Dan and Memphis that people in the jury house have already planned to vote for a woman in the finals no matter what happens, so Keesha should obviously be the next person to go, right? Well, although I've never heard that mentioned by anyone at any point in this game, I really wouldn't doubt it. However, because that woman would be Keesha, I'm kinda hesitant to believe it. The Mean Girls in the jury house would sooner rip up their discount cards from Forever 21 than hand Keesha ANYTHING on a silver platter, so for now, I'm thinking Jerry's pretty full of shit about this one.

It's been time for a little bit of death in the BB house for quite a while now, and we FINALLY get a little taste of it in the form of Ted, the hamsters' pet spider out in the backyard. Memphis decides it's a good idea to start throwing moths into the web of a gigantic spider that has made a home in the backyard of the house, and man, you KNOW that he was the kind of kid that would tear the wings off of flies solely for shits and giggles back in the day. The first one they throw in there is already dead, so Ted's all like "WTF? Um, like, whatever! LOL!", so Memphis makes a second go at it and tosses a very much alive moth into the web instead. BANG! Ted's on it like white on the RNC, and he wraps it up in his webbing faster than anything you've ever seen. There's actually dust flying off the moth's body as Ted does his thing, and if this sequence was on 'Survivor', you'd know for a fact that an underdog in the game was about to make a big, big move and vote out a dominant player. Just how it is.

Time to see Dan's HOH room now, and here are a few more framed photos of Dan and his imaginary girlfriend that the BB producers totally made up solely to pull a fast one on Michelle and Libra. Remember that nonsense? Heh. Jerry gets himself off to a running start this week with HOH Dan when he very loudly announces how fat Dan looks in his pictures. Way to go, low man on the totem pole. Dan gets a letter from his parents, too, but what is far more interesting is the Karate Kid-esque headband that made it into the house as part of Dan's reward, as well. More on that later.

All the hamsters are asleep now, and we get a shot of the backyard. WTF? What's all this crap lying all over the place? There's a giant elephant (not real, unfortunately), a bathtub full of crap, a big blueberry, an enormous hot dog, and a very, very hot female contortionist in an electric blue bodysuit who is doing all kinds of funky-ass poses on a red rubber mat. My mind shuts down for a moment as I watch her. Unh. Wha? Girl go stretchy? Huh.

Oh yeah. Recap time. Here we go. So anyway, there's also a gorilla suit lying about out there, and hey! There's somebody in it! The suit comes to life and walks in the house, making its way directly to the diary room. Greystoke sits down, addresses the camera, and takes off its headpiece. Oh CRAP, it's Jessie. DAMMIT! I thought we were rid of this dork for good. 'Yeah, it's me!' he says. 'I mean, who else could fill out this suit?' Um, Jessie, I don't think the point of wearing a gorilla suit is filling it out, you dolt. The producers could've filled it with lime Jell-O and it would STILL have more personality than you, anyway.

Jessie the Gorilla makes his way through the rest of the house, waking up the hamsters and causing a little bit of mayhem along the way. I have to say I'm a bit jealous. Gorilla suits are probably one of the coolest things ever invented by man, and running around in one on television is pretty much my dream job. Preferably somewhere in Japan, no less. Anyway, Memphis gets the line of the night in the diary room while talking about being woken up by the costumed Jessie - "Why wouldn't you follow a strange gorilla running around your house?" EXACTLY!

So all this gibberish is the setup to the luxury competition which is about to take place out in the backyard. Jessie the Gorilla leads them out there, and the hamsters freak out at all the random crap strewn about out there. Dan's particularly taken with the contortionist, so I bitchslap my television and tell him to back off. She's mine, dammit! Dan reads the instructions to the competition, and basically, it's a rebus. You know, a picture-based word puzzle. The hamsters are meant to look around at all the random crap strewn all over, and use their hidden meanings to put together a common phrase that may help them in the game. Once the hamsters think they've pieced together a phrase, they ring a bell in the middle of the yard, go into the diary room, and make one of three allotted guesses as what the phrase might be. Whoever gets it right wins the luxury competition. Remember when they had a similar comp during All-Stars and Chicken George had the spectacular level of dumbness in him to guess 'You should expect to expect the unexpected?' Dumbass. No wonder all he got out of that season was a visit from a fake-ass Colonel Sanders who looked like he was about ready to keel over and die of cholesterol poisoning.

Everyone got three guesses at it, and Jerry trotted out his fairly early. "Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil?" he guesses. BZZZZT! Wrong! "Diamonds are a girl's best friend?" Yes, Jerry, because that's a all-too-common phrase in Big Brother that is DEFINITELY going to help you out. BZZZZT! "Dog is man's best friend?" For chrissakes, Jerry, what about this competition do you not understand? BZZZZZT!

Keesha's not faring much better here. "Where sleeping dogs lie" is her first go at the thing, and while that might be an apt description of Libra's and April's beds, it's not even close to what we're looking for. BZZZZT! Good thing she based her answer on only ONE of the clues out there, a remarkably lifelike stuffed wolf lying on a blanket. Could we get more fries over here, Keesha? Thanks.

Memphis, being dumb as hell, isn't having any kind of luck. He finally makes a guess at the end of the three-hour time limit in the form of "fruitless exit". No, seriously, he actually went into the diary room and said that out loud. "Fruitless exit". Um... LOL. BZZZZT!

Jessie has the most fun of anyone in this competition, as he gets to run around the yard and mess with everyone as they put their guesses together. He also covers up one piece of random crap with a sheet everytime anyone makes a guess, thereby eliminating it from contention as part of the puzzle. As the comp winds down, there are only two pieces of random crap left - the giant blueberry and gigantic hatching egg with the letters "IT" written on it. Yes, even the contortionist got up and left, and hopefully, she's driving her way to my house in a tiny little clown car right now. Hey, it's only 3,000 miles! See you in a week, cutie! Anyway, with only two pieces left, the hamsters take their final guesses. Keesha blows it by guessing "Blue It" (blueberry + gigantic IT egg), and Dan makes what I believe was his only guess of the game - "Bury the hatchet." That sounds vaguely intelligent and relevant, surprisingly enough, so let's take a look at it.

"Bury" = the giant blueberry, right? Right. "Hatchet" = the gigantic hatching egg with the word "IT" printed on it. Am I foreshadowing this thing enough for you yet? Good.

With that, the three hours are up, and it's time for Jessie to leave. He goes around shaking everyone's hand, and when he's about to leave the backyard, he makes his signature high-pitched farting/whistling noise with his mouth. Dan and Memphis recognize it immediately, and they guess that it was Jessie in the gorilla suit all along. Sure enough, when they get back inside, there's a big gorilla glove hanging underneath Jessie's picture. Well done, Jessie, but they really should've dressed you up as a donkey. Or maybe a great big penis.

Back in the house, Dan is revealed as the winner of the luxury comp. He's summoned to the diary room where Don Pardo tells him what he's won - a helicopter trip to a remote island beach for a day! Nice! Wait - what remote islands are there in or around Los Angeles? Catalina, I'd guess, but with any luck, they'll dump his ass on a garbage scow out of San Pedro for a couple hours. Not only does he get to go on this trip, but he also gets to take one person with him - one of the people in the house, or one of the jury members. Dun-dun-dun! Tough choice here, but he rules out taking anyone in the house fairly quickly. Taking Memphis or Keesha would arouse suspicions, and taking Jerry would be absolutely fucking intolerable. So he turns to the jury house, and being that Michelle's probably the one who hates him the most right now, he decides to take her along on his trip. It's a fairly smart choice being that she's the one he needs to score points with the most, but being that it's a plan of Dan's, it's got some flaws.

See, he lied to his fellow hamsters about the details of the trip. He told them that he could either go by himself or take one of them, and being that he didn't want to cause any hurt feelings in the house, he decided to go by himself. He leaves the whole 'taking Michelle' part out of what he tells them completely. I know where you're going with that, Dan, but tell me this - what happens when the next two evicted hamsters make it to the jury house and start chatting it up with Michelle? Eh, no matter. I'm sure she'll be far too busy starting meaningless fights with everyone to really talk to them about anything in depth, anyway. Good job, Dan!

Almost time for nominations now, and Dan & Memphis are plotting out what to do. They come to the conclusion that putting Memphis up might be the best thing to do in order to keep their alliance a secret, but you know what? At this point, who gives a shit? The two of them are perfectly poised to boot either Jerry or Keesha next, and after that happens, they'd still be running on 2-1 odds. Anyway, Dan mulls over his choices while wearing that ridiculous Karate Kid headband I told you about earlier, and the guy is a DEAD RINGER for Ralph Macchio in his prime. He's even got the greasy South Jersey slicked-back hair thing going for him. Yuck.

Okay, now it's actually time for those nominations, and it's quick. Only one person to keep safe this week, after all. It's Keesha who remains off the block, and I think we all kinda expected that. Dan and Memphis are dead set on keeping their Renegades alliance a secret. Jerry tells us all how angry Memphis is at being nominated again (really?), so I'd say that he's remaining as clueless as ever this week. Keesha doesn't read anything into the nominations, either. I guess she was too busy getting me my fries to really, like, you know, think about anything too much in depth. Good job, Keesha.

Dan's having quite a run here, isn't he? If he can make it last into the final two and then actually WIN the damn thing, I'm putting him right up there with my favorite BB players ever. I'd say the only person in the house who could possibly beat him in an F2 situation right now would be Jerry, but that's only if he can wrangle the Cute Little Old Man Who's About Ready To Die Anyway vote from the jury house. In any case, Dan needs to at least make it to the final two, because if he doesn't, it's going to be the most anti-climactic finale since Season Six. I'd care just as much about a Memphis/Jerry F2 as I did about Maggie & Ivette. Please, Dan - don't Janelle this one up, okay?

-littlebigmouth.