Primeval Episode Five

Important Stats:
Terrifying Dinosaur Count: 100 (I think that’s the actual number)
Anomalies: 1
Women’s worst nightmare: 1
Big Beastie: Pterodactyl (AKA: Myfanwy .) 
Little Beasties: Primeval Piranhas (AKA: The Birds ). 

From the opening recap, I realize what this show is really about.  From the disproportionate amount of time spent on the Helen Cutter mystery and whether or not she’s responsible for the parasitic dodos, or the anomalies in general, or was on the Grassy Knoll in Dallas, she is far more important than Fluffy, Skip or Snappy.

We begin with a couple of bad golfers.  It’s a veritable montage of how not to play golf.  One misses the ball, only to then shoot it into the water and the other is stuck in a sand trap.  While they may be incompetent golfers, I hope there’s no money bet on the game because the guy who just shot it into the water lies to his friend stuck in the sand trap that he’s on the green.

Fishing his ball out of the water, lying golfer just misses a very important discovery.

He does take the opportunity to toss the ball where he wants it.  I hope he has better aim with his hands than he does with the club.

In a neat little cut from the flying golf ball to flying fruit for Connor’s breakfast, Connor demonstrates that he’s sneakier than any bad golfer.  First, he’s turned up the temperature claiming Rex was cold.  Next, he suggests that if anyone is too warm (anyone, a word which here means Abby) that more clothing could be lost.  Yup, Connor has figured out that a way to get a girl out of her pants is through her lizard.

Abby’s not buying it, yet she still lets him stay in her flat.  Oh, the power of forced living arrangements on television.

Back at the golf course, lying golfer is being an ass and not letting his friend share the golf cart.  Shortly thereafter, lying golfer, who cut himself looking for his lost ball (not like that) is picked up by some flying something (conveniently left of camera to give us more suspense) and dropped in the rough, dead.  Karma went a little overboard here.

Connor has the ultimate in geek reflective moments, as he sees Tom’s saved video game and leaves it.  In geekdom, that’s the equivalent of naming a park bench after someone.  It’s a quick little moment of continuity, which is nice.  I’m used to dealing with shows where continuity is so constant that I need a reference library to keep things straight.  Although, this show is still new; imagine the continuity that could be dropped in say, season 7?

Abby disrupts Connor’s game, to tell him: a) she’s going to yoga and b) don’t let anything happen to Rex.  She also reminds him that he was only supposed to be with her a week, and now it’s been more than a month.  Personally, I don’t think he’s leaving until she shoves him out the door because, as it is, he gets to spend his days lounging around watching a cute girl, who is flexible from yoga, in her underwear.  Somehow, that’s not an incentive to get most guys to leave.

At the golf club, my two absolutely favourite characters are have taken charge of everything.  Captain awesome Ryan is being ordered to clear the perimeter from Claudia, as they’re trying to contain the whole “talk about a bad birdie on the green” from being a pun in the local tabloid. 

“What did he see?”  Claudia asks.

Sorry, she was talking to Stephen and Cutter.  It was an easy mistake to make.  I’m easily distracted by the pretty.  Luckily, the golfer didn’t see anything and I got to see how hot Stephen is.  We both win.

There’s a forced conversation about Lester being frustrated about Cutter causing more problems than finding solutions.  Nick’s all offended by this implication whereas Claudia doesn’t want to be forced to choose between her boss and Cutter.  Seriously, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think that Lester thought Cutter was the one killing random golfers who lie about their handicaps.  Geez!  Now is so not the time.

Connor finally gets called to the scene but not before checking that it’s Cutter on the line when he answers Abby’s phone declaring himself “Number 1 stud.”  He’s never going to live that one down unless he does something even more embarrassing and potentially life threatening like letting Rex out accidentally.

Studying the body of the golfer, Nick’s quite certain that it’s a beast from an anomaly while Claudia quite certain that she’s about to lose her lunch.  While I’m quite certain the golfer is pretty gross to look at, I am shocked by something much more horrifying.

Abby’s joined them, apparently telepathically connected to the team because she’s made it there before Connor.  As Cutter realizes that the birds have all been scared away and ponders the placement of the anomaly, he realizes they can’t find it because they aren’t looking in right direction: up.

Suddenly, Myfanwy swoops out of the sky, nearly colliding with Cutter, but not before Stephen can push him out of the way.  While the birds may be quiet, the slashers aren’t as I suddenly hear the frantic clicking of keys as the fanfics fall from the sky like bird shit.

Connor arrives and freaks out at seeing his mini-dino in the Mini Cooper.  While it’s adorable watching him plead with Rex to get back in the car, I’ve got issues with people on television talking to animals as if they have the mental capacity for reason.  I mean, it’s not like’s Rex is Lassie or anything and we can all predict that he’ll fly off, even if Connor can’t.

The main suspect in the death of the golfer is Myfanwy, so Abby, Stephen and Cutter think Connor is about to be toast, as he’s too distracted chasing Rex to notice the big honking pterodactyl circling above him.  In fact, it’s a big circle of not noticing the important details, as the rest of the team yells at Connor to get out of the way, not noticing that Connor’s chasing Rex, and not just running around like a crazy man.  Speaking of missing important details, why has no one asked the most important question: does anyone have a chocolate bar?

There’s a quick flurry as Connor and Rex make a mad dash for the trees, and Claudia orders Captain Ryan to shoot Myfanwy.  Cutter isn’t so sure, and knocks Ryan as he’s firing. 

At the last second, Connor and Rex manage to leap to safety.  Yes, it was all very dramatic with the loud music and quick edits, but I don’t think anyone was really afraid for Connor (or this show’s mascot’s) life.  In fact, the first time I saw this, I was more amused by Stephen yelling “Run, you idiot!” the way any big brother would yell at his little brother, by being both concerned and annoyed.  Plus, Connor wasn’t covered in barbeque sauce.

In my own humble opinion, if that earlier tiff between Claudia and Cutter were about Lester’s concerns about Connor, I would’ve had to reluctantly agree.

Cue the yelling.  Cutter spots Rex, so everyone yells at Abby.  Claudia finally blows up after a successive set of worst days at work, ever, and Cutter tees off at Stephen because he realizes mucking up Ryan’s shot probably wasn’t one of his brightest ideas.

Abby irritates me no end which is weird because she’s managed to avoid my desire to ask her to define what exactly “an S Club party” entails.  In short, I thought Hannah Spearritt was going to spend her entire time being simperingly adorable instead of an actual character.  For the first time, she sinks into that cliché as she looks all pouty asking if she can keep Rex, even though she has a perfectly sound reason (not wanting Rex to become a medical experiment) she still does the big doe-eyes and deferment to Cutter and asks if she can still keep Rex.

Of course, because when you’re that adorable, no one ever says no to you on television, Cutter implicitly gives permission if she can find her roaming lizard.

As Myfanwy is located on top of an office building, it’s now a race between the SAS and Nick Cutter and his scorching hot assistant / pit bull / bloodhound / bodyguard / excuse for slash Stephen Hart, to get to the injured mascot of Torchwood.

While everyone else is off to find Myfanwy, the B team, Abby and Connor, are searching for Rex.  There’s some groveling on Connor’s part.

At the office building, Cutter again plays on Claudia’s torn loyalties and when she does let Cutter and Stephen have a shot at tranquilizing the pterodactyl, instead of having Ryan kill it, I’m extremely pissed off when the pair behaves like they got one over on her, instead of her granting them a favour.

It doesn’t work out very well, as Myfanwy flies off and the only way to bring her back into range is to wave something red in her direction.  Cutter’s first thought is to use Claudia’s shirt.  She argues the shirt is really magenta, not red, and you’ve got to love a girl who can keep her shades straight under stress.

Now, in the most disappointing moment of this episode, Stephen volunteers his very important shirt from earlier (after pretending to forget about wearing it, as it’s clear he’s debating letting Claudia strip) and we get exactly 3.2 seconds (seriously, I timed) of half-naked Stephen.  There’s so little time that I can’t get a single decent screencap of it.  Excuse me?  There’s a prime opportunity for some extended half-naked Stephen and it’s probably edited for time?  Not cool.  There’s always time for half-naked Stephen.

Sorry, I guess I’m supposed to focus on the plot and not half-naked Stephen at least some of the time.

Due to the wind, Stephen misses with the first couple of shots.  He holds off until she’s practically above him, before taking the third shot. 

The crashing dinosaur nearly runs Claudia off the roof and she doesn’t take too kindly to yet another anecdote of worst days ever at work.  Just as she tells off Cutter and Stephen, she reaches another low, being knocked out by Myfanwy.

The B Team is still off in search of Rex.  Let’s be honest, if he wasn’t the property of ITV, I would’ve wondered if he was off in search of stealing the Geico Gecko’s job.  In truth, he’s still running around the forest probably wondering how long the stupid humans are going to chase him.

Now, in an inexplicable plot twist, instead of taking the unconscious Claudia to hospital, they take her back to the golf course.  (Geez, I knew the NHS was cheap, but this is crazy!)  Her day just continues to get worse.  In fact, I can confidently say this is Claudia’s worst day, ever. 

She wakes up from flashbacks of Myfanwy, but not out of her nightmare.  Yes, Claudia’s yet to see the most miserable part of her day.  In truth, she’ll never actually see this part of the day; it’s just a connotative phrase.

She jumps off the bed, spilling some blood that was just randomly lying around.  Really, there was no purpose to the blood, other than to add yet another topping to Claudia’s crappy day sundae.  It’s not like she needed a transfusion or anything.  As for the EMT, he suggests her going for some tests at the hospital, which would’ve been a good idea, if she’d been taken there in the first place.  Other than asking her more than the rudimentary name / age (Claudia / she ain’t telling you epic fail EMT) he does nothing, other than head back out to the ambulance, thus missing her most distressing symptom.  She can’t see anything other than blurs.  So, imagine your worst day ever, and having to see it with the same clarity with which one watches the Blair Witch Project, and you’ve got a little bit of empathy as to how her day is going.

In fact, the closest thing to an examination she gets is from Cutter, and it’s to him that she confesses her lack of sight.

Outside, the B Team, catches up to Rex, only to reenact an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Okay, so really they’re tiny flying dinosaurs, but they’re just as likely to kill you as any flock from that movie, so the nickname is sticking.

Back with Stephen, the SAS and Myfanwy, the pterodactyl shits all over the trailer that’s carrying it.  In the grossest thing ever, Stephen tastes the dung. Ew.  I know I once said that it was impossible for Stephen not to be attractive, but there is no cause to test it like this.

As for the B Team, they’re still alive and if Rex wasn’t so adorable, in the same situation, I would’ve strangled that lizard in retribution.

Between studying paleontology, Cutter picked up some first aid along the way, as he says temporary blindness can happen with concussion, but not according to Wikipedia.  Fortunately, the camerawork is much more conducive with the symptoms listed there (blurry and indistinct) so I’ll forgive his less than medical diagnosis.

“Trust me, I’m a doctor,” he tells her, then confessing he’s really only a professor, and no, they aren’t the same, Cutter, no matter what you say to impress the girl.  (Plus, before you try it, you aren’t the Doctor either.)  Seriously, his attempt at being sweet and charming are so utterly clunky and awkward that it actually seems more real than much of the fake charm on television.

Stephen interrupts the moment of flirty ineptitude, to confirm that Myfanwy didn’t kill anyone.  Of course, that means that the killer (or killers in this case) is still out there.  Just to add to the suspense, Cutter’s phone battery is dying and we’ve suddenly gone from an episode of Primeval, to a horror movie.  I wonder when Claudia will take her clothes off, or Cutter will kiss her heroically.  For the heck of it, let’s get some explosions in there too! 

I totally forgot one cliché; the unnamed victim getting attacked and the heroes not knowing what’s going on.  In other words, the EMT is eaten by The Birds.

All Cutter and Claudia can hear is the screaming, so as he shuts the windows, he realizes they have to get in contact with someone to let them know they’re about to be viciously killed.  He tries to reassure her, but his frantic moving around and running to close the open door don’t exactly back him up. 

He has to go in search of a phone, but assures her nothing can get in.

Oh, and the winner of the smartest member of the flock is one I shall call Alfred, as he cuts the phone wire, like he somehow knew what he was doing.

Okay, I need to be honest here.  I know I’m snarking the Grand Canyon sized plot holes in this episode, but that’s just to hide something else.  This is totally my favourite episode of the first season.  Don’t judge me.

While Nick’s discovering the phone is dead, Claudia is shocked by The Birds breaking in through the glass doors and trips and falls into the puddle of blood on the floor.  What could possible make this worse?  She’s wearing cream-coloured trousers.  Blood on light trousers is just about every woman’s worst nightmare.  Cutter tries to be nice about how much blood there is on her, but his reaction is more hilarious than kind.  While they’re both concerned that the smell of blood attracts The Birds, like piranhas, I’m wondering why he asks for her shirt. 

“This is getting to be a little bit of a habit.”  Even Claudia can find the humour in this situation.

“What, asking for your clothes or getting us attacked?”  Cutter replies.

“Both.”  Can I just say, despite everything, Claudia is still awesome?

Oh, and if anyone knows why Cutter asks for her shirt, could you let me know?  I have no freaking clue because before he can explain why, The Birds break through the glass ceiling, sending the pair running again.

Trapped in the hotel, all Cutter can do is hope that he can make it to the ambulance to call for help.  This would leave Claudia utterly alone but there isn’t another option.  Before he leaves, we get our second cliché. 

The backlighting, the soppy music and the moment of mortal peril should have me vomiting due to an overdose of cheese, yet this moment makes me utterly happy.  I have no idea what’s wrong with me but I totally ship these two. Which would leave Stephen open for me, right?  I’m failing on recapper snark.  I don’t have the heart here.  What’s wrong with me?

Cutter makes a dash to the ambulance, barely outrunning The Birds.  Calling Captain Ryan, Cutter isn’t pleased with the advice to “sit tight.”

All the B Team can do is stand with their mascot, watching the flock surround the hotel.  Sorry B Team, you’re about as useless as a live mic at a Britney Spears concert.

Searching the ambulance, Cutter looks to be planning to create the third and final cliché I was looking for.  First, Claudia started taking off her clothes, and then Cutter kissed her.  Now, he’s going to use some flammable gasses to give The Birds one heck of a flaming review.

Inside, one of The Birds makes it down the chimney, only to be whacked in the head with golf club by Claudia.  Almost blind, terrified and wearing light trousers covered in blood, she can still defend herself.  Claudia Brown, you’re my freaking hero.  I’d be hiding under a table in the fetal position by now.  She’s downright motivational.

Unfortunately, she can’t defend herself against the rest of them, who have now found their way down the chimney.

Setting a bottle of conveniently labeled “flammable gas” alight, Nick Cutter barbeques a few of The Birds outside while Claudia continues mistaking them for golf balls inside. Neither of them is very successful with their efforts so something has to change or else the credits would be a couple people shorter next week.

The change comes in the form of Helen Cutter saving Claudia.  Listening to the two of them send barbs back and forth, while running for their lives, makes me want to have more screen time with these two.  Claudia decides not to debate what Helen is doing there, and Helen jokes about leaving her alone.  This should come off much meaner, with Claudia coming across as much more helpless than she is, but it doesn’t.  Seriously, these two actresses play well off each other.

Helen drags Claudia into the kitchen, and there’s some snarking about trust and cooking, but in truth, Helen’s giving the last thing I asked for earlier.  By putting a metal pitcher in the microwave (and making sure Claudia had a safe way out), I get another all-important horror cliché.

Outside, Nick Cutter thinks Claudia’s been killed in the explosion (while we see Helen escape but how, I’m uncertain unless Cutter missed an anomaly right in the middle of the hotel). 

Claudia steps out and the pair of them marvels at their own survival and Helen’s miraculous appearance and disappearance, until the SAS and Captain Ryan arrive. Looking at the aftermath of the explosion and at Cutter, Ryan obviously thinks Cutter’s at fault until Cutter sarcastically tells him otherwise.

Back with the superfluous plot in this episode, Abby’s still pissy with Connor over letting Rex out.  Come on, Abby, something was bound to happen and you’re the one that kept him in the first place.

Really, it annoys me that she takes no responsibility in this whole incident, so her offering to let Connor stay, despite everything, is the only thing that stops me from seriously contemplating why “Hannah's screaming out for more” at the S Club party.  Believe me, I could come up with more than enough cracks to last for every Abby screencap between now and the end of series two and that’s just one S Club 7 song.  They’ve got over three albums worth of material I can snark from.

Although, her conditions: the washing up, the making of breakfast and not leaving the dirty boxers on the bathroom floor, are all perfectly reasonable requests.  Poor Connor hopes that her desire to keep him around is due to something more, but really, this should be the moment Stephen wanders by, smacks him on the head and reminds him who is the scorching hot one in this show.

All that’s left is to send Myfanwy back through the rift anomaly back to Cardiff her era.  Using a large flag, and a really big piece of machinery to lift him up in the air (technical names for machinery, that’s not my specialty), Cutter’s ready to send her back through.  Everyone’s feeling good-natured about this, as Claudia’s keeping Lester out of the loop and Stephen’s teasing Cutter about Myfanwy thinking the professor is an in-flight snack.

Taking a bit of a loop around the modern era, freaking out the team and the SAS, Myfanwy goes through the anomaly, just as it closes down.  In celebration, Stephen grabs Connor’s hat, tossing it in the air in celebration.  Abby does what I’d do in the same situation.

Cutter watches and it’s the first time I’ve seen him feeling nothing other than joy.  It’s like he’s free of Helen, with a close group of friends, and a potential significant other that doesn’t exist only in the mind of slashers.  For a moment, I think Nick Cutter is genuinely happy.

That so can’t last.

Next Week:  I mean it.  This can’t last.  In fact, how about we ignore next week altogether, shall we?