Torchwood: Lost Souls (Radio Play)

Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood.
Gwen Cooper, we catch aliens.
Ianto Jones, we need to catch this one before –

Recapper’s Note:  Since there aren’t any screencaps for this, I got creative.  You were warned. I have way too much time on my hands.

Hey look!  It’s a little taste of Torchwood to give us a reprieve in the long span between the ending of series 2 and the start of (mini) series 3!  Unlike its parent show, which gets things like Christmas specials and TV movies to pass the time, the spinoff gets a radio drama.  At least it aired on a day appropriate for what we’ve come to expect from our now 2/5ths diminished Team Torchwood.

You know what would make this better?  If all the people in the original picture were in this radio play and some Janto.  

We begin somewhere.  Somebody’s in a tunnel, getting orders from a professor.  As long as it’s not Professor Yana, they’re lucky.  That is, unless something in wherever they are tells them that they’re taking the poor man’s life.  There are lots of scary clinks and noises, and the unearthly voice is kind of creepy, but all I can imagine is some old dude banging a lead pipe against the leg of a card table.  It’s a sort of “don’t look behind the curtain” thing.

Suddenly, it’s John Barrowman’s vocal training and he wants to show us it. “Torchwood, outside the government, beyond the police, fighting for the future on behalf of the human race and Torchwood is ready.”  Well, a bit shorter than usual, but it has the cool techno-title music.  Also, I realize it’s either this or nothing, so I’ll take this thank you, even if it is written by the dude who wrote the runner up for my least favourite episode of the season.  (Nothing can compete with “From Out of the Rain.” ) Yup, it’s the dude who gave us the singing seashell!  

We must be back in Cardiff because Captain Jack, Gwen and Ianto are chasing a weevil through a club.  I also know this is Cardiff because Captain Jack doesn’t even try to hide what they’re doing.  The way I see it, at this point, the entire city just accepts the crazy things they do, be it suburban housewives or little old ladies out for late-night strolls.

Their introductions (I guess this is because it’s a radio play and we can’t see a thing) are hilarious, even if they aren’t the funniest thing in this but are the perfect intro for people unfamiliar with Torchwood.  Even Ianto’s line is apropos as they never manage to catch anything before all hell breaks loose.

The weevil has gone out the fire escape making me think the people in this club must be plastered out of their minds if they don’t notice a weevil making a run for it.  We hear footsteps, which I guess is supposed to be the team chasing after it.  

Jack pauses when his phone rings.  It’s Martha!  While I can’t see her, I’m pretty sure she still has spectacular eyebrows.  Jack talks more about her “voice of a nightingale.”  I think I’ve heard that somewhere before!  

She needs him and he hopes that it’s because she’s left Dr. Tom for Jack.  Umm, Jack, you may be on the radio, but I will smack you senseless if you keep hitting on Martha.  Besides the fact you should know better than to hit on any of the Doctor’s companions, you have my fictional Welsh boyfriend to keep happy.  If you don’t keep him happy, I’ll have to take him to make sure he gets the care he deserves.  (It’ll be a tough job, but I’ll manage.)

Martha’s in Switzerland for the Large Hadron Collider being turned on.  There’s a bunch of important people there so UNIT is doing the security thing.  Oh Martha, didn’t you learn from the last time a piece of impressive equipment was turned on at a big swanky to-do?   Things will never go well.

If she hasn’t learned, she will now.  People are missing, including a friend, Julia Swales.  If you don’t remember Julia, she was the panicky female med student the Doctor completely dismissed in “Smith and Jones.”  But before Martha can give us more exposition, someone’s coming and she’s got to get off the phone.

If one listens very carefully, in the background of that conversation is a splash.  Quick on the heels of the end of the phone conversation, Gwen and Ianto arrive with news of the weevil.  It jumped into the bay in an attempt to get away.  Weevils may wobble and they don’t fall down, but they aren’t buoyant.  

In a great way to save on a location shoot, we get the sound effects of a plane and poof, the team is on the way to Switzerland.  Jack reminisces about a flight from Venus to Mars he once had involving a flight crew with hands and pinschers.  While it sounds gross to the rest of us, I’m sure Jack made it on the 51st Century version of the mile high several hundred times over during the flight.

Gwen gets the job of explaining why the show is doing a radio play involving CERN.  If you want to know all about CERN, try Wikipedia, as I’m not going to record all the stats here.  All that I care about is that people are missing and that I know what the Higgs-boson particle is because another show I recap has a character whose life’s goal is to find it.  It’s all scientific and I’m sure CERN now has John Barrowman on call if they ever need a voiceover for a documentary.  Sure Captain Jack gives a speech about how great humanity is in its desire to find out how the universe is made and then sell it at Walmart but the only really important bit is the 27 kilometre underground tunnel which helps make up the big collider.  

By the way, why do Gwen and Ianto behave as if they’ve never heard of CERN before?  You’d think Torchwood might be concerned with a place like this, considering the whole they-might-make-a-black-hole theory.  

Once they land in Switzerland, Captain Jack gives Martha a bear hug.  At least, it sounds like a bear hug because Freema’s sounding as if she’s being hugged by actual bears.

There’s an awkward moment where everyone tries to not talk about the funeral of Tosh and Owen, but they fail miserably in both trying to convince themselves and each other that they’re fine.  Of course, this is Torchwood, even if it is on Radio 4, so that means the emotional conversations have to be kept short and it’s Martha’s turn to give some exposition.

A bunch of sick people were supposedly sent to France, except they never got there.  Julia Swales (I guess because nothing is as odd as being sent to the moon to meet Judoon) kept her wits about her and told Martha about it once UNIT arrived but the great people in red berets couldn’t find anything.  Unfortunately, now Julia’s missing.  Was it raining at the time?  Now UNIT is too busy dealing with dignitaries to do anything, so it’s up to Torchwood.  Of course, no one really knows they’re there, so what’s left of Team Torchwood and Martha head off to the Ambassadors’ reception.  Jack’s a little too excited about this, making me thing “Ambassadors’ reception” was a euphemism for something else in the 51st Century.

Cue one of Jack’s greatest fantasies.  Ianto is pretending to be the Ambassador of Wales and Gwen is pretending to be his wife.  Meanwhile Jack is their “personal assistant.”  All of this is just to get into the reception and get a map of the complex.  While I was so hoping for a great joke about how Jack would love to personally assist Ianto, we get little humour other than Ianto’s title.  

Ianto tries to be all ambassadorial, but he just winds up being shoved in the lift, heading down nearly 100 metres to the underground city.  There’s something about comms in there but I can’t really make out what’s going on because Gareth David-Lloyd is too far away from his microphone to hear him clearly.  Come on GDL!  I know you can use a mic properly; I’ve seen it.  I may have been invisible at the time but while you didn’t see me, I saw you enunciating clearly into a microphone.

There’s some more fawning over the stuff at CERN, including something called ATLAS ; then we meet Professor Katrina Johnson, the head of the LHC project.  This gives Ianto an opportunity both to put Jack in his place (“my personal assistant,” just as Jack would like it) and continue pretending to be the Ambassador of Wales.

Once they ditch Professor Johnson, they head to the sick bay and meet Oliver Harrington, the head of UNIT’s medical team.  Personally, I think that should be Martha’s job because if she hasn’t proven herself by now, it isn’t possible.  

More mumbling from Ianto.  Speak up!  It took me a few times to figure out that Ianto was impressed with all the stuff in CERN’s basement.  It’s probably the only place in the world that puts Torchwood’s Hub to shame.

There are lots of reassurances that there aren’t any health problems due to working around the LHC.  I’m sure CERN appreciates the free PR, since to make sure that point was made Gwen was shoved away from the mic as now I can barely hear her.

We get a little bit of a background on Dr. Harrington.  His wife died so now he’s a workaholic.  Either he’s the baddie or he should join Torchwood.  Previous mental trauma and inability to deal by throwing yourself into work are qualities Torchwood is looking for.

The beeping background noise tells us we’re in intensive care visiting the worker from the beginning.  Even though he had his product placement Bluetooth on when whatever happened occurred, no one knows why he’s ill.  Plus, he’s in a coma so he’s not helping.  After using some tech that Owen was adapting (sniff), the patient’s skin starts glowing.  There’s an Angels and Demons joke to be made here but damned if I can find it.

Soon the man’s skin becomes transparent, something I had to suffer through last week while trying to decide whether or not I like Fringe, so I’m glad I don’t actually have to see it here.  The man repeats the basic warnings he was given in the tunnel, which are so generic (your life is our life) that it doesn’t come across as that scary.  As the poor man is in pain, Martha gives him something that knocks him out.  

In order to get some more information the Ambassador, at the demand of his "wife," accompanies her to the main computer room, leaving Jack and Martha alone for what can only be described as an awkward conversation.  Martha should know, from travelling with the Doctor that pulling some genuine emotions out of men in the Whoniverse is like finding a Dalek that doesn’t say “Exterminate.”

Jack insists he’s fine because he has to stay strong for Gwen and Ianto.  Come on, Jack, they’re adults and as emotionally broken as you are.  There’s a moment of emo angsty Jack about how he can’t die and now would be a great moment for Martha to mention the events of “Gridlock.”   I imagine it’d go something like this:

So Jack is wrought with guilt.  I sense an on-going theme in season three.  (Although, I am very disappointed Martha never says, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”)

In the computer room, Gwen and Ianto find the connection between all the victims: they were all working on parts of the LHC.  Oops!  Maybe CERN might not be so happy with the free publicity.  On a side note, one of the victims shared the same name as the man who became Pope Benedict XII.   CERN may be displeased but I be Dan Brown would be thrilled at the idea of another CERN conspiracy.

Back with Jack and Martha, I’ve made up this handy little scientific diagram to explain what’s happening to the worker.  Actually, it’s just about as scientific as I can possibly make it.

Jack’s seen this before, when he was with the time agency.  To both save time and avoid having to create a whole mythology around a new species, Jack simply insists on telling the Ambassador and his wife, instead of giving us a long, involved story.  

When Jack and Martha rejoin my fiction Welsh Ambassador Boyfriend and his wife, they realize that some test that was done in may with the LHC which let this creature, who is unnamed and time saving (UATS for short), through.  They also leave out where it came through, because you know, who needs details as long as we get some good Janto?  Oh wait, we aren’t getting any good Janto.

There are a couple of good theories.  The first is that turning on the LHC will let a whole bunch of UATS through and that someone in power has hidden the sick people on the base.  The sad part is that it isn’t Ianto who comes up with that latter theory even though he’s the one that’s done it before.  

Lucky for them, the satellite and maps (which don’t correlate) pretty well show them where the glowing bodies are hidden.

Martha goes off in search of Julia.  Gwen and the Ambassador go into the tunnel (hopefully wearing thermal underwear) to find UATS and Jack is going to the control room with a way to get back some stolen neutrons.

“This is no job for the Ambassador for Wales,” Ianto insists when they’re in the cold, dark tunnel.  He is not amused.

“Is Ianto moaning?” Jack asks when Gwen reports they’ve found nothing.  Please, Jack, this would be an entirely different program altogether if Ianto were moaning.  I don’t even want to know how I could badly photoshop that with stick people.

Gwen is trying to be positive about having to search the tunnel on a bicycle, but she isn’t amused either.  I don’t think she’s spent that much time on a bike. On the bright side, the exercise will keep her from freezing to death.

Upstairs, where it’s nice and warm, Jack makes the most shocking discovery of all.  As Professor Johnson is talking to all the dignitaries, Captain Jack bursts in demands the experiment to be shut down.  Professor Johnson wants to ignore him at first because he’s the Welsh Ambassador’s assistant but then ignores him because she has no idea who Torchwood is.  Apparently, Torchwood is highly successful at keeping themselves secret, in Switzerland.

In the tunnel, it’s time for Gwen and Martha to have their heart to heart, via the comms.  Although, there’s a great line about how the atmosphere underground is just like Cardiff’s.  Hee.

Gwen’s feeling guilty.  I’m trying to work up some shock here.  It would’ve been more interesting if Gwen wasn’t feeling anything, and I’d love Eve Myles to be allowed to play something other than trite for a while because she’s so amazing.  Even a mention of Rhys would have appeased me.

Martha’s now found the building and has to break in with a rock because she doesn’t have a sonic screwdriver.  She should really talk to the Doctor about that since Sarah Jane does have sonic lipstick and Rose has 10.5, it’s only fair Martha gets a sonic stethoscope or something.

Oh yes, and CERN, you may want to work on your security if someone can break in with only a rock and not set off any alarms.  At least she finds Julia.

In the tunnels, Ianto’s made the most quotable discovery of the entire radio play.  “My bike’s got a bell. *Ding.*  *Ding.*”  What Ianto doesn’t mention, is what else is weird about his bike.

Suddenly, an unearthly voice calls out Ianto.  Oh great, it’s a beast that’s going to feed on guilt so of course it has to go for Ianto first.  It tries to pretend to be Owen.  Personally, I don’t think Ianto’s going to waste his time with Ianto.  He’s going to go watch Gwen in the shower.  The ghost pulls out that old motif of the darkness, and they plead for help.  Yup, definitely not Owen.

At the reception, Jack receives reports from both Gwen and Martha about what they’ve found respectively.  Professor Johnson keeps denying things and claims the experiment cannot be stopped.

Back with Ianto, the ghost pretends to be Tosh, and then Lisa and I must be hearing things now because for brief seconds, I think that it’s a recording of the actual actresses’ voices.  Am I right?  

Jack tries to talk Ianto around but isn’t as successful as he was in “Adam,” convincing Ianto he wasn’t a crazy serial killer.  Plus, Ianto’s comm gets turned off and I’m not certain if it’s by Ianto or the alien.  Damn the radio and they’re not telling me because I can’t see it!

We hear Gwen’s voice in the distance, shouting for Ianto, while Ianto shouts that he won’t go with it.  Well, it’s actually more of a “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” But it’s the same idea.

Martha tells Jack to get the professor to shut the LHC down, when she’s interrupted by Oliver, poor widowed, I told you he was the baddie, Oliver.

Finally reaching Ianto, Gwen confuses me because at some points it sounds like she’s dragging Ianto when she’s arguing with the alien.  Now, don’t get me wrong; I think Gwen is a really strong woman and I’d never take her on in a bar fight.  Despite that, I don’t think she could drag the solid Welsh Ambassador (even if he were helping) through even 1/27 of that tunnel.  Oh yes, and Gwen, here’s a piece of advice: insisting you're not listening means not shouting you're not listening.  You’re an intelligent (and apparently freakishly strong) woman.  You know better.

Ianto, in the most truthful part of this whole radio play changes his wording.  Initially, he says he wants to be with them, but then alters it to just wanting them back.  There’s a whole ton of guilt in that statement.  He doesn’t want to die to join them, no matter how much he misses them.  That’s got to be weighing on his conscience too.

Jack and the professor have an idea.  Since they can’t shut down the experiment, he’s going to have the CERN people fire an anti-proton beam into the LHC, stopping the invasion.  At this point I’m not too sure if CERN would be happy that an invention they created will save the world from the UATS or if they’d be offended that Torchwood is implying they might destroy the world with this experiment.

There’s something about “flipping the polarity” and that’s so old school.

Before all this world-saving can be done, Oliver enters with his hostage, Martha in tow.  

Ianto is now glowing.  If my fictional Welsh boyfriend wasn’t in danger, there’s a sex joke here to be made.  Also, poor Jack doesn’t want to lose Gwen.  Well, how about showing some concern for your significant other, eh?

Oliver is convinced that the LHC has found a doorway to heaven.  He’s convinced that the dead will return and the 12 sick people are angels.  I guess Oliver never met the angels in “Voyage of the Damned.” Oh, Oliver, this is the Whoniverse.  There is no heaven.  There are however, neutron stealers and you’re letting them through.

I hope Martha’s just playing on his feelings because she’s a little too sympathetic in Oliver’s belief in heaven.  I’m chalking it up to simply playing Oliver for time because that is not the Martha I knew.  Sympathetic, yes, great eyebrows, yes, but religious, no.

Refusing to let the experiment be ruined, Oliver escapes to stop the anti-proton beam and Martha’s in pursuit.  As for Jack, there’s an order about reversing the polarity and if I had the photoshopping skills, I’d make Jack old school.  I just don’t see how that’s possible with stick figures and heds pastede on.  The best I could come up with is this.

In the tunnel, Gwen is trying to encourage Ianto, who is afraid of, “Everything we’ve seen, Torchwood, the wonder of the universe, and we’re going to die in a tunnel, in Switzerland.”  It’s a great parallel to someone else who didn’t want to die in a dungeon in Cardiff!

Finally, she pulls out all the stops, “The exit’s near the control room.  That’s where Jack is, and coffee.  You love coffee, coffee and Jack.”  There you go, ladies and gentlemen, that’s the extent of the Janto in this radio play.  Geez, I saw GDL get more in person.

Gwen still keeps telling the UATS she’s not listening, no matter who it says it is.  Besides, in all the listing of the dead, I’m a little sad there isn’t one mention of Eugene.

Jack’s about to fire off the proton beams when Professon Johnson finally asks the most important question: does he know what he’s doing.  The answer is, of course, no but she’s going to let him do it anyway because he’s Captain Jack Harkness.  Okay, so it’s really because he’s going to stop an invasion of Earth and show her the High-boson particle, but really, we all know it should be because he’s Captain Jack Harkness.

There’s a bunch of scientific stuff about how the Higgs is made but hopefully no one cares because I don’t want to try and keep the protons and anti-protons straight.  Besides, in the span of ten seconds, Captain Jack says “By George I think she’s got it” in the vein of Henry Higgins, and, “We’re going to have a baby!”  The cheese is much more fun to focus on than the science.

Oh, and Professor Higgins realizes that all life (since the Higgs will just be a by-product of stopping the alien), like the majority of the human race, no matter what their parents tell them, is just an accident.

Oliver’s locked down the tunnel, but not before helping Gwen get Ianto out.  Considering how long it seems Gwen has been lugging around a sturdy Welsh Ambassador, it’s no wonder she just lets Oliver get away when Martha calls for Gwen to stop him.  She probably doesn’t have the energy to lift a cup of coffee, never mind stop a determined scientist.

Once the LHC is active, and Martha reports Gwen and Ianto are out of the tunnel, Captain Jack and Professor Johnson realize that Oliver Harrington isn’t going to make it out of this alive.

Oliver is really just desperately lonely and now he’s disillusioned when the alien mocks him for his love of his wife.  For all the alien dismisses the concept of love, once he no longer believes the alien isn’t his wife, he’s more than willing to let it die.  Oh come on, UATS, confessing wanting to chow down on human minds before you’re assured victory isn’t a great idea.  Besides the epic fail of the alien, Oliver gets a does of atheism 101, Whoniverse style.

While Oliver and the UATS die, Captain Jack shows Professor Johnson the Higgs-boson particle.  She calls it beautiful, but Captain Jack calls it life.  I call it convenient because now that the alien’s gone the ill people get their neutrons back.  Well, this is Torchwood so scientific accuracy isn’t required.

As for Gwen, she’s freezing and Ianto’s stopped glowing.  Again, that should be a euphemism for something.

The sound of birdsong is our audio clue that everything is happy.  Despite the birdsong, Gwen isn’t happy because Ianto doesn’t remember her act of superhuman strength back in the tunnel.  At least he thanks her for it.

Martha reports that all the all the patients in a coma are all fine but now she’s got to report to UNIT that she’s obviously the best choice for the new head of the medical team.  Well, she probably won’t say it like that but she should.

Ianto starts quoting “All Things Will Die” by Tennyson and Jack’s surprised the Welsh Ambassador is feeling so poetic.  Oh Jack, Ianto is a man of hidden depths, hence the reason he’s my fictional Welsh boyfriend.

The radio play ends with Jack telling what’s left of Team Torchwood (and Martha) why he wants to fight for humanity and why the aliens keep coming to us: we’re interesting.  Sure, Jack says it much nicer than that, but “we’re interesting” sums it up.  We may never find the answer to the question of life the universe and everything (It’s 42 I tell you!) but sometimes, we just need to ask.

Or sometimes, like Team Torchwood, we just need a coffee, preferably served by the Welsh Ambassador.

Special thanks to time-and-space.co.uk for the screencaps to abuse use.  Also, thanks to Darcy's Mommy for letting me use pictures of her puppy.

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ETA:  Due to abrupt ceasing of the recaps at Recapist, I can now be found at my site, I, Spy.