America's Next Top Model: The Eyes Have It

Previously - Makeover! Sorry, I was on vacay and missed the usually best episode of a cycle. From what I can tell, they sewed a big red mop on Elina's head. That was the most standout disaste. Oh, and the Britanny who was allowed to stay Brittany got sent home. And they had some sort of bikini shoot and I think I saw one of Isis' testicles. Tally ho!

In these new opening credits, Tyra draws an air pyramid for a cameraman, and lets her boobies bounce. I like the NYC ones better.

Elina's hair is JACKED UP. I guess she won last go-round. Her wig is fluffed out and crazed and she looks like Joanna Cassidy. Analeigh was in the bottom two last week and she's distraught over it.  Hannah tells her that she's "wallowing" in it. Excuse me? This is one dumb bitch that I am refusing to stomach. First of all, she handled the racism question completely wrong and now she's telling us they have tough love in Alaska? No, thanks.

Nervous Marjorie tells Hannah that she's being insensitive and if she wasn't jittering to pieces (in French!) inside, she would slap her. Hannah feels that Marjrie and Analeigh are throwing themselves a pity party and they're too negative. Yeah, they should lynch a member of another race. They would totally feel better. That's what they do in Hannah's small town in Alaska.

Hannah says they need to "pick up" their "beans" and keep on rollin'. Beans? What? Hannah, shut up and go fall into an ice fishing hole or something. The Tyra Mail graphic is so cable access. I think I once saw it on Weymouth basic cable right after Weymouth Wildcats with Magic Mark. Tyra looks so Samantha Ronson when she's in her U.S. Post Office get-up.

The girls are off to a bowling alley, where Ms. Jay has shoes for these chumps. Hannah wasn't aware they made high heels to bowl in. They don't. Your small town didn't miss out. They're gimmicks. McKey is so tall, she looks like a model or something out of The Cell.

The girls have to walk down the lanes. They're slippery. I'm waiting for someone's ankle to snap. Ms. Jay feels that Isis is used to walking on slippery services because her name is "Ice-iss." The logic is undeniable. Hannah's walk is that of Darla in The Little Rascals. Ms. Jay says that it looks like she got a bowling ball dropped on her head. I contest that, because that would be more of a crawl to a phone to summon help.

McKey is behind Hannah, and she looks like Danzig when he was with the Misfits. Joslyn walks while making hand signals. It's how I would work a runway, but it's a little too "extra" says Ms. Jay. How dare he stifle our Bird of Paradise aspirations! Amanda doesn't walk, bitch shuffles. She looks like one of the first signs of stroke.

Hannah puts on gym shorts and walks. Isis helps her. Isis, whom Hannah pushed away from her. Yeah, Hannah better understand some things. Lauren Brie Cheese and the odious Clark discuss the other bitches. They think Elina and McKey have a chance but Isis is too much of a man face. I thought Isis looked pretty in her last photo.

Clark says modeling is just not for Isis and she needs to go home. Does Clark know she is playing every villainess from an 80s movie? Isis is in the bathroom, and suddenly shows us some average qualities by talking about how most girls are intimidated by her. McKey mentions how Isis has it tough with doubters, but Isis says she doesn't care and someone says she's one of them. Is that a good thing?

The next morning, everyone is practicing their bowling alley stroll. How Grease 2. The girls meet Ms. Jay. They're going to wear the designs of Ms. Jay's friend Jeremy Scott. Jeremy is wearing an ice cream button and a track jacket so I'm not holding out much hope for his design prowess. They're going to be portraying cat burglars. MMEEOOWWW!!!

Jeremy catches Samantha raising her dress and if looks could shoot death rays, Samantha  would be one dead bim. He tells her to nix the vagine show. McKey is wearing a dress that looks like it was patterned after Carol Burnett playing Scarlett O'Hara. You know - with the curtain rod still in it? That's funny, but how do you go to dinner?

The girls are going to be BLINDFOLDED. It's going to be raining models! That werewolf from Seventeen is here. Ann. She adds nothing to our lives. And Mr. Jay. They will be wearing some 15-year-old girl's designs in a Seventeen advertorial if they win. And if they suck, one is going home. No photoshoot? This show could be hellish. Blindfolded and fearful.

Men rappel down the side of this bank, to unleash a vault to let the girls out. The drama level of this show is through the roof. The girls seem to be doing ok, but Samantha shows off her gulch like she was told not to. This dude's dresses are kinda eh. A lot of sweater dresses that wouldn't look out of place on Tempestt Bledsoe. I love how the judges sit there laughing at some of them.

McKey's dress is so funny. She's going to put an eye out. Jeremy Scott is dressed like Flava Flav. Joslyn wins. She's so cute. Hannah gets nixed. Good. Bye. Later for you! Bye girl! Hannah tells us she's from Alaska again. We know. Small town. Yep. Bye.

Joslyn takes Sheena and Isis with her. Kira is 15 and here with her clothes for the winning photoshoot. The girls all look adorable. I love how Joslyn took the trannie and the hoochie with her. She's like a fun Jesus with the whores and the money-lenders or whatever. 15? Fashion designer? How? In Russia? She must have cut in the bologna line. Good for her. Joslyn makes me feel like she has a deity on her side. Analeigh and Marjorie commiserate about Hannah leaving. Shit, do shots! Celebrate!

Here's Big Whitney on a bike. She's getting to know NYC. We're all thrilled for her. Mr. Jay shows up the next morning in a tank which looks like it says MRI. So I'm like is he here to offer free testing for tumors. No, it says Mr. Jay. Samantha is like 9, she can't believe Mr. Jay woke her ass up. And she makes a face that a third grader would when demonstrating what she looks like in the morning. They're doing the shoot at the house today. Did someone not pay a bill somewhere? They're axing girls early and not traveling.

The girls are being shot from the eyes up. By Nigel Barker. Who totally wants to see some bikini bottoms in his face. He asks if they're ready to get wet. Oh, Nigel, you cad. McKey's NINETEEN?!?! Really? That's a statuesque 19.

Joslyn almost drowns and neglects to tell them that she can't swim. Clark eye-f*cks Nigel but Mr. Jay is aware of what's in her bag of ho tricks. Isis reveals that she has three pairs of panties on in case the tape holding her peen back comes off. She's very nervous about that. I would be, too.

Analeigh is here with Sean Young's hairdo from Blade Runner. Lauren Brie contorts herself toward the win. Elina comes up with nothing. They're seriously going to show the lesbian Tyra postal carrier shot every time there's a Tyra mail aren't they?

Isis talks to her godfather on the phone. I'm so glad she has a support system. He cheers her on. She might be going home tonight, but I'm glad she has someone  who's in her corner. Tyra smiles with her eyes through a glass of water. I hope there's a tranquilizer in there.

Tyra notes that Hannah was sent back to a very small town in Alaska without internal combustion, table manners or PI. Ms. Jay couldn't find a "10" medallion and blames it on Paulina. Jeremy Scott is here, and he looks like a tool with his mullet and Sgt. Pepper's jacket after a hang gliding accident.

We find out that the idea for the eyes only shoot came from Tyra's vacation photos. Oh man. She takes some dumpy broad with her and we find out that she even has to model in her VACATION photos. Does Tyra have any fun or is it work, work, work with her?

Joslyn has too much white under her eye, she's told. How do you combat that? A Sharpie? Isis explains her peen issue, and I'm hoping that will cause the judges to give her some leeway. Paulina tells McKey her big man hand looks like a club. Paulina better mind herself, McKey is a boxer. She will use that club on a 50-year-old. Jeremy gets his mullet in a twist over Samantha flashing her ladywell at the show and Tyra agrees.

Tyra uses the word "hizzle" to mean "house." That flat iron is flattening her mind. Ms. Jay does an awesome invitation of Joslyn (sounding like Butterfly McQueen) drowning. Paulina and Tyra disagree over Marjorie's photo. Paulina is gunning for Tyra's chair. Tyra will see her dead in the street first, but at least the battle is fun to watch.

It's down to Isis and Samantha. Oh, Isis. Samantha is already crying. Because she's 9 and the big lights are scary. When Tyra reveals that Jeremy Scott is DISGUSTED with her, Samantha's mouth purses in disgust. Isis is out. Awwww. I thought she had a chance. Isis, tuck and go home but never forget we love you.

Isis finally cries, and puts a tiara on for her farewell. And even bigger earrings. Are the big earrings to hide the Adam's apple? I blame Clark for this. Bitch.

Next - Dogpile on Marjorie! And...Predator?