Supernatural: Are You There God? It's Me, Dean Winchester (Episode 402)

She's baaaaaaack!Instead of recapping this week’s THEN sequence, I just want to say one thing: BEST. EPISODE TITLE.  EVER.  Does this mean that the episode will be about bust-increasing exercises and Dean’s longing to finally become a woman?  Let’s find out.

NOW: A woman is sleeping on her couch, the book “The Secret Teachings of All Ages” laid on her stomach.  According to Amazon, this is an encyclopedia of occult, so it looks like she’s a hunter.  The electronics in her (rather shabby) home start flicking on and off.  This wakes her up, and her breath is visible when she exhales.  She books it over to a closet filled with hunting paraphernalia and takes out an EMF meter, which immediately starts going crazy.  As she loads a gun with rock salt she gets a call from Bobby, who leaves her a message in which he calls her Olivia and says that he needs her help with “something big.”  I have a difficult time believing that she’d be much help against anything big, since she looks like she’d be knocked down by a light breeze.  Can this show get any guest stars that look like they’ve eaten in the last month?  Anyway, Olivia nervously walks around her apartment until she is greeted by a very unhappy spirit.  She flips her shit and starts apologizing to him profusely.  When she turns to get away from him, a female spirit appears and digs her hand into Olivia with a sickening squish.  The screaming, it is loud.

WINGS. TITLE.

Over at Bobby’s place, Sam and Dean are arguing about whether Castiel is really an angel or not.  I’m impressed that Dean didn’t keep that a secret.  Sam is more than willing to believe that Castiel’s the real deal, but Dean still can’t grasp the concept that angels (and God) exist.  Bobby, who is far too awesome to be bothered with arguing, finds some lore that says angels can grab souls from Hell.  However, he hasn’t found any evidence that any other creature can do the same.  Even this doesn’t convince Dean that there is a God.  He questions why he deserved to be saved, as he’s “just a regular guy.”  Sam says that he must be important to God somehow.  “Well that creeps me out!” Dean responds.  Hee!  Dean reluctantly agrees to work with the angel theory, but only if he gets some pie.  Dean loves him some pie.

Sam drives up to a diner in the epic quest for pie.  Standing around the corner is none other than the bane of my existence, the new Ruby.  She asks Sam if an angel really rescued Dean, and he more or less confirms.  Ruby starts to peace out, since she’s a demon and an angel “won’t care if [she’s] being helpful.”  Helpful is a pretty strong word for what you’re being, cupcake.  She lisps at Sam that she doesn’t know much about angels, and tells him to watch his back.  “I’m not scared of angels,” he insists, but Ruby gives him a “well-maybe-you-should-be” look before walking away.  Deuces, bitch!

When Sam gets back, Bobby tells him that they’re going to Olivia’s house.  He’s been trying to reach her for days and hasn’t had any luck, so they’re checking up on her.  Dean hops in the Impala and demands his pie, which Sam apparently forgot.  See, this is what happens when you associate with annoying, lispy demons.  Katie Cassidy totally wouldn’t have let Sam leave without the pie.  Anyway, the three of them arrive at Olivia’s apartment, and find her literally opened up on the floor.  EWWWW!  From the salt lines and EMF meter the boys find lying out they deduce that spirits were involved with Olivia’s death.  Bobby, who had stepped outside to collect himself (or call collect), returns and says that a few hunters nearby aren’t picking up their phones.  Suddenly we’re in the house of another hunter, Jed, as Dean calls and leaves a message about the current situation.  The camera pans over his blood-spattered floor before finally showing Jed’s shredded body.  And OMG, his rib cage is actually sticking out of his chest!  Gross!  I can’t believe the shit they get away with on this show.

That night the boys find Jed’s body, while Bobby discovers that two other hunters have been killed.  They decide to lay low at Bobby’s until they can figure out what’s going on.  On the way there the boys stop at a gas station, and Sam uses the restroom while Dean sleeps in the car.  The bathroom suddenly becomes icy while Sam washes his hands, and when he wipes the newly-formed frost off of the mirror he sees Agent Henriksen standing behind him.  “Hi Sam,” Henriksen says stoically.  “It’s been a while.”  His spirit flickers, and Sam apologizes for not being able to save him.  Henriksen, however, is not in a very forgiving mood.  He gets angrier and angrier, blaming Sam for his death before he finally gets violent.  Sam notices a brand on Henriksen’s hand right before he gets his head slammed into the sink repeatedly, so hard that the sink actually breaks away from the wall a bit.  Sam officially has the hardest head in all of creation.  Before Henriksen can finish him off, Dean busts into the bathroom and shoots the ghost with rock salt.  He’s an awesome big brother.

Trouble’s a-brewing over at Bobby’s house, as the air goes cold and the sound of laughter floats through the air.  Laughter, in case you didn’t know, is a clear sign of imminent doom.  Bobby grabs an iron rod and walks around, when a rubber ball of DOOM falls down the stairs and lands at his feet.  He turns, and the ghosts of little twin girls are standing in front of him.  They don’t look too happy to see him.

In the Impala, Dean tries and fails to reach Bobby by phone.  Sam’s head injury has clearly brought on a case of emo, as he angsts about how they got Henriksen killed.  Dean tells him to get his head out of his ass and concentrate on the situation at hand.  They arrive at Bobby’s a bit later, and find the abandoned iron rod next to the stairs.  Dean heads upstairs while Sam goes out into Bobby expansive junk yard.  Bobby owns like, a shitload of property.  Sam walks right past Bobby, who is hidden on the floor of a car while one of the girls keeps her hand over his mouth.

Back in the house, Dean is greeted by yet another spirit.  And it’s Meg!  This isn’t demon Meg, but the girl the demon possessed.  Her hair is a bit longer and darker, and she’s wearing less skanky clothing.  She’s also really pissed, and describes the horrors of being possessed for an entire year.  Dean tries to explain that they thought she was evil, but Meg’s just like “No you di’in’t think!”  Meg is from the hood, y’all.  “I was trapped in their, screaming at you, ‘Just help me please!’” she tells him.  “You’re supposed to help people Dean!  Why didn’t you help me?”  Dean starts to apologize, but she’s not having it, and smacks him with force.  Once he’s down, she disarms him and follows up with a kick to the face.  Ouch.  “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be ridden for months by pure evil?” she asks significantly, as Dean really does know, though he’s suppressed that knowledge.  Although she gets Dean to admit that he doesn’t consider himself a hero, he still insists that they did the best they could for her.  She continues attacking him, and Dean notices that she has a brand on her hand.

Meanwhile, Bobby is still in some serious trouble.  The twins recount the story of their death; Bobby was hunting “a monster” in their homes, and walked right by their room while the creature killed them.  “You didn’t find us, and now they won’t find you,” they tell him as they completely cut off his air supply.  Sam is looking through as many cars as he can, but he still hasn’t found Bobby.  Finally, he looks up and sees ice formed on the side mirror of a car.  He throws the door open and is thrown back by the spirits.  The distraction is enough, though, as he and Bobby each manages to dissipate a twin with an iron rod.

Back in the house, Meg continues to beat the shit out of Dean.  She tells him that she had a younger sister who pretty much worshiped the ground she walked on.  “You know how little siblings are, right?” she asks him.  Her sister took it very hard when Meg disappeared, and when Meg turned up dead she killed herself.  Meg claims that if the boys hadn’t been so preoccupied with their own issues they could have figured out a way to save her, and both she and her sister would still be alive.  “That blood is on your hands, Dean!” she screams as she advances yet again.  He manages to draw his gun, and shoots at an iron chandelier above Meg’s head.  It falls around her, causing her to disappear.

The trio gathers in Bobby’s living room, having deduced that they’re being haunted by the ghosts of people they couldn’t save.  Dean mentions the brand on Meg’s hand, and Sam remembers that he saw the same one on Henriksen.  Sam draws it out, and of course, Bobby thinks he’s seen it somewhere before.  They grab some books and ammo and head for a bunker in Bobby’s basement.  It’s pretty much the greatest thing on the planet.  It has all the keepings of a panic room, with the helpful additions of salt coated walls made of pure iron and wards on the floor and in the ceiling fan.  The boys are amazed that Bobby managed to build a ghost-proof panic room, to which Bobby simply says that he “had a weekend off.” As if that wasn’t great enough, there is a poster on the wall of Bo Derek from 10. BOBBY IS AWESOME BEYOND THE TELLING OF IT.

Once the initial shock and awe over the panic room have faded, the boys start getting their ammo ready.  Dean still doesn’t understand how God, if He does exist, can just stand by and let people get “torn to shreds.” For someone who hates chick-flick moments, Dean sure is talking about his feelings a lot in this episode.  Neither Sam nor Bobby know how to answer Dean’s questions, but Bobby has figured out what the brands on the spirits’ hands are.  It’s the mark of the witness, and it means that someone forced the ghosts to rise.  Being forced to rise apparently makes the spirits act “like rabid dogs,” and they’re going after hunters because they are so consumed with anger.  Also, the rising of the witnesses is part of a prophecy found in the Book of Revelations.  It’s a sign of—you guessed it—the Apocalypse. 

Instead of focusing on the fact that the world is apparently ending soon, the trio decides to focus on the problem at hand.  Bobby has a spell that will send the witnesses back to rest.  Wow, that’s convenient.  Problem is, it has to be performed over an open fire, meaning they’ll have to leave the panic room of perpetual awesomeness.  They gather their shit and exit the room cautiously.  When they get to the staircase they’re met by Ronald, the mandroid-hating security guard from “Nightshifter.”  Hi Ronald!  Dean looks genuinely happy to see him before he remember that Ronald probably wants to rip out his intestines.  Bobby blasts Ronald with rock salt, and is like “WTF stop conversing with the homicidal ghosts!”  He’s so wise.

They get to the fireplace in the library and start laying down salt lines.  The Sunshine Twins appear outside of the salt circle.  Dean shoots them before going into the kitchen for gimlock, wormwood, and—curiously enough—opium.  Guess we know what Bobby’s up to when he’s not building panic rooms!  Sam runs to a closet in the upstairs hall to grab a hex box.  As soon as he does, Meg appears.  She berates him for working with Ruby.  “How many innocent bodies has Ruby burned through for kicks?” Meg asks.  “How many girls just like me?”  THANK YOU.  It’s about time someone brought that up!  And let me tell you guys, Nicki Aycox is on fucking fire tonight.  She’s incredible.  Sam, who’s not used with dealing with good actresses, seems to consider Meg’s words for a moment before shooting her in the face.

In the kitchen, Henriksen catches up with Dean.  He explains that all the people at the police station didn’t die instantaneously like we all though.  Lilith actually tortured them for 45 minutes, starting with Nancy the virgin secretary.  “Lilith filleted Nancy’s skin off, piece by piece, right in front of us,” Henriksen says.  He himself was saved for last.  And thanks a lot, Sera Gamble, because this episode has completely destroys my deluded belief that Henriksen and Nancy somehow survived the explosion and became hunters who have lots of hot, hot sex.  Dean starts to apologize, but Henriksen sinks his hand into Dean’s chest, asking why Dean deserves another chance while he had to die.  Before he can do any real damage, Sam enters the room and shoots him in the head.

They all gather around the fire and Bobby begins the ritual.  As he does, the ghosts throw open the windows, letting the wind break the salt lines.  Henriksen, Meg and Ronald appear and reappear in the room, and Sam and Dean have to shoot them nonstop to keep them from interrupting Bobby.  Eventually they run out of ammo, so Dean starts fighting with an iron rod while Meg pins Sam against a wall with a desk.  As the Sunshine Twins advance on Sam, Meg appears behind Bobby and sinks her hand into his back.  He drops the hex bowl, but Dean dives for it and throws it into the fire.   Immediately the fire turns blue, and a brilliant light burns through the room.  When it fades, the spirits are gone.

That night, Sam sleeps on Bobby’s couch while Dean sleeps on the floor.  I find it sort of hard to believe that Bobby doesn’t have a cot lying around somewhere, seeing as he managed to get bunks for his panic room.  Dean wakes up and looks into the kitchen, where Castiel is waiting for him.  Castiel commends him for stopping the witnesses, but Dean’s not having it.  He’s pissed that Castiel apparently knew about what was going on and didn’t lift a feather to help.  “I thought angels were supposed to be guardians,” he says, “not dicks.”  Dude, did you just call an angel a dick?   I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.  Castiel explains that angels are soldiers, but Dean doesn’t think they’re doing a whole lot of fighting.  They argue a bit about the existence of God, and then Dean threatens to kick Castiel’s ass.  Yeah, really.  He’s going to hell AGAIN.  Castiel looks kind of pissed, but keeps his calm.  He explains that “the rising of the witnesses is one of the 66 seals,” which are slowly being broken by Lilith.  It’s bad news; in this instance alone, twenty hunters were killed.  And it gets even worse, because when the last seal is broken Lucifer gets a ticket out of Hell.  This threat is the reason why the angels have come to earth in the first place.  Dean’s still really pissy about them not helping out more, and Castiel finally seems to have had enough of his attitude.  He and his incredibly chapped lips tell Dean that there isn’t an unlimited number of angels, and that six of his “brothers” already died fighting this week.  They must have been fighting some pretty big things, because angels seem to be impossible to kill.  “You should show me some respect,” he growls at Dean.  “I dragged you out of hell; I can throw you back in.”  Dean looks legitimately terrified by this threat.  Suddenly, Dean wakes up from his place on the floor.  Sam is getting dressed on the couch, and Dean asks him if he believes in the Devil.  Sam doesn’t understand why Dean is asking, and Dean himself looks perplexed as he silently evaluates what he’s being forced to believe.

Next week:  Time travel!  Young John and Mary!  Skinner!