True Blood: Escape From Dragon House (Episode 104)

I could probably hone this recap down to a couple of pithy phrases that would go something like this: "Jason's dick is an eggplant!" and "Eric is a hotass!" But if I did that, I wouldn't get paid you'd miss out on Tara's latent romanticism, and Sam's super-creepy sense of smell, and the emergence, finally, of Sookie's bodacious ta-tas, so screw concision -- I'll give them all their due.

"I'VE GOT GOUT ON MY DICK!" -- We pick up mid-scream, as Dawn's body gets discovered in short order by Sookie, then Jason, who's arrived to apologize to Dawn with booze, flowers, and, one may assume, his V-enhanced erection. Jason's smarter than some people say, because it doesn't take him long to get over the shock of her being dead and move on to the shock of yet another of his fuck-buddies ending up strangled. Next on the scene is the nosy neighbor, who calls the law, allowing Sookie to hear how much Andy Bellefleur resents being called "Andy" while Sheriff Dearborn gets all the respect. Sookie and Jason both know things don't look good for him: Sookie hears him think, "I'm too damn pretty to go to prison!" Andy hauls Jason off in hand-cuffs in front of half of Bon Temps, which has gathered in the heat to watch the festivities and have an impromptu tail-gate party. It's like LSU vs. Auburn! Arlene breaks out the good plastic cups and harangues Rene into using paper doilies…on cars…for beer… Hey, you get points for trying, Arlene. Lord knows somebody's got to class up the crime scene. Andy throws Jason in the back of the squad car and leaves him there just long enough for Jason to panic about the vial of V in his front pocket and drain the entire contents in one big gulp. Now, you remember what Lafayette said, don't you? "One or two drops," is what he said; any more than that and things might get "intense, and not in good way." Oh, things are gonna get intense all right.

Sam drives up to Dawn's house shortly after that, and we learn that he was actually Dawn's landlord. He heads off with one of the deputies to unlock Dawn's storage unit with keys he had in his pocket.

At the police station, Andy and the sheriff question Jason about the fight with Dawn. Jason gets a good jab in when Andy asks if it turns him on to fuck girls and then snuff them: "No, but I think it turns you on." Sheriff Dearborn guffaws at that, to Andy's irritation. Then something hinky happens under the table: Is that a big, long, hard, huge vial of V in your pocket, Jason? Or are you just happy to see me? Jason's, um, discomfort increases to the point that he bolts to the men's room and proceeds to jerk off all over himself in what sounds to you, me, the entire sheriff's department and a few folks with excellent hearing up in Shreveport like the best orgasm ever. It literally knocks him off his feet, face all flushed, neck corded, and okay, maybe I find him just a little bit hot, even while I can't help laughing at the predicament he's gotten himself into. "What the fuck was that?" he asks incredulously.

Andy and the sheriff pound on the bathroom door, and as Jason comes out, looking the worse for the whacking, Tara comes up and proceeds to open up a can of lawyeresque whoop-ass. She asks if they're charging Jason with anything, and whether he's been properly Mirandized. Then she coughs up an alibi for him, saying that she and Jason were together last night, "and it was a was beautiful thing." *giggle* Jason looks like he lost a few more brain cells back there in the bathroom, but finally plays along, tossing her a "That's right, baby" as she drags him out of the police station.

When Tara shows up at work, Sam wants to talk about what happened the night before (remember the fuck-buddy scenario from last week), but she's re-cast the role of "Sam", now being played by "Jason." She begs Sam to go along, saying they'll all end up in prison if he doesn't back up her story. "You lied to the police for him?" Sam asks. Tara says that deep down, "he's a very good person." And cut to Jason beating off to bad porn and then to the news! Hee! Marines do it for me, too, Jason! Just ask anyone who's heard me wax rhapsodic about Generation Kill over the past couple of months! Jason's abused himself so much, in fact, that he's raised a giant blister between his thumb and forefinger, but even that's not enough to keep him from going back for more.

Eventually, Jason's driven to Merlotte's, where he avoids Sookie's questions and tracks down Lafayette to see if he can supply some form of antidote. Lafayette's utterly unsympathetic, even when Jason compares his grandfather's gout to his current predicament, saying his grand-father used to say that even the weight of a sheet was agony on his gouty toe. Now imagine the weight of those skin-tight jeans on Jason's priaptic monstrosity! Yeeps! He retreats to the walk-in fridge, where Tara finds him bare-ass on the floor with a rib-eye slapped to his boner. He's ridiculous. Tara, God love her, sees Jason as he really is, and somehow manages to love him anyway. She knows better than he does exactly what's at stake here. She says, "You're not the first vainass, body-conscious ex-jock to overdo the V and end up with an acute case of priapism." Pria-what? Jason asks. She makes him lift the rib-eye and her eyes go wide. "Sweetie, we gotta get you to a hospital." When he protests, she says, "Do you want to keep your dick or not?" Um, that would be an affirmative.

The doctor at the hospital has seen it all. He doesn't believe Jason for a minute when Jason tells him he hasn't done any drugs. Meanwhile, Jason's dick is holding up the hospital sheet like Barnum & Bailey's Big Top has come to down and set up shop in Jason's crotch. The doc explains that once a dick gets to the advanced stage of eggplantiness that Jason's has, it requires aspiration -- draining of the blood in the penis. That goes over about like you  might expect (even My Ever-Patient Mister hunched protectively over his groin), with Jason pleading with Tara to stay with him. Which she does! Because…because…hang on, I'm thinking. Because down deep he's a good person! Because she's been carrying a torch for him forever! Because…well, it's because when she was little, she took shelter one day at Sookie's house from her crazyass drunk bitch of a mother, and Jason stood up for her, stood up to her mother, put the hammer down on her. Had anyone ever done that before? Had she ever had anything except her own smart mouth to take care of her? That little scene tells us a lot about Tara, and a little bit about Jason. Fuck-up that he is ninety percent of the time, maybe Tara's right about there being more to him than meets the eye. Or maybe she's a sentimental idiot.

Speaking of sentimental idiots, I think I'll throw Sam's mini storyline in here. What do we see of Sam in this episode? Besides the fact that he's Dawn's landlord. We see a picture behind the bar of him and Dawn hugging. And we see him sneak a pair of latex gloves into his pocket at closing time, when Arlene asks him to walk her to her car because she's scared to go out to the parking lot by herself. Are we supposed to think dear, sweet Sam could the serial killer? Oh, no! Not man's best friend! But no, Sam puts on the gloves and uses his key to get into Dawn's apartment, where he proceeds to sniff around cautiously, then goes into her bedroom, crawls on the bed, buries his face in her pillow, then her sheets, and wallows around on her bed, writhing and sniffing and probably groaning for all we know. Well. *scratches head* So I guess Sam and Dawn had a thing, too? Damn, that girl got around! If I were the actress who played Dawn, I'd demand some flashbacks, because if she got it on with Jason, Sam, and Eric (as is intimated later), that is one lucky piece of ass, right there.

"AIN'T THERE EVEN A PART OF YOU THAT THOUGHT SHE HAD IT COMING?" --While Jason's dealing with The Dick That Ate Louisiana, Sookie's on a mission from Gran, who wants her to use her "special ability" to help clear Jason's name. Though she hears a lot of shit she'd just as soon not that night at Merlotte's, it's actually a verbal tip from Arlene that sets her on the right path: Both Maudette and Dawn were regulars at Fangtasia, the vamp bar in Shreveport. After giving Bill grief over the silly pun -- "Most vampires are very old. Puns used to be the highest form of humor," he says -- Sookie asks Bill to take her there. "It's not a date," she insists, as he pokes at her with gentle humor. It's one of their nicest scenes together. For one thing, he looks younger than 160 for once. I fear some of my Billmeh is bleeding over from the books, but I'll try not to let it color my view too much; he's very appealing here.

Sookie goes to Sam's office to ask for the rest of the night off. "You're gonna get yourself killed," Sam tells her. She protests that she's fine, and he says, "Vampires think of one thing, and one thing only, and that's drinking your blood." He thinks vamps should be allowed to have bars, but that humans shouldn't go to them. He admits that he can't stop her, and Sookie snots, "That's right. You can't," and flounces away with a flip of her ponytail.

On the way to Fangtasia, Bill tells Sookie she looks like "vampire bait." In the books, Sookie's supposed to look like her name should be "Sookie Stackedlikeabrickshithouse," but this is the first time we've seen ample evidence on screen -- she's got those suckers pushed up and plumped out to beat the band. Bill says he promised Gran that he'd keep Sookie safe, but he's not sure he can keep that promise given how she looks. "Are you saying I look nice?" she flirts. He reminds her that it's not a date, but still gives her an appreciative look. It's very cute.

And now, finally! Fangtasia! Sookie describes it as looking like a "vampire ride at Disney World." It's all red and black, leather and metal, black eyeliner and bright red lipstick and white, white skin. The crowd is a mix of vamps, wannabes, fangbangers, fratboys and tourists buying "Fangtasia" t-shirts -- red on black, naturally. Over in the corner, sitting on a raised dais in a chair made with some kind of animal hide, is Eric. We'll get to him in a minute, but first, Bill and Sookie go up to the bar and Sookie asks the bartender -- a scaryass vamp named Longshadow -- if he recognizes Maudette and Dawn from pictures Sookie brought with her. He admits seeing them both, and says that Dawn, in particular, "Wanted to die." He adds that everyone who comes to Fangtasia wants that, in their own way. "That's what we are. Death." Ooookay. *backs away slowly from Longshadow* Sookie hears a mild-mannered man thinking about how beautiful Eric is, and how much he wants to offer himself to Eric. As Sookie and Bill watch, the man tries to touch Eric's leg and gets kicked across the bar for his trouble. Fangs extend all around, and a vamp named Taryn leads the now-bleeding fella out of the room.

Sookie can't help feeling her loins tingle noticing Eric. Even Bill says, "Everyone does." Like Eric being a hotass is just common knowledge. "He's the oldest thing in this bar," Bill says. He doesn't add, "And the hottest," but really, that kind of goes without saying, doesn't it? I mean, it's Alexander Skarsgard, for Christ's sake. He's Stellan Skarsgard's son. Sweden's Sexiest Man. Sergeant Brad Colbert from Generation Kill. He's hot, but even better, he's good, understated and sexy as all get out, and if there aren't TEAM ERIC t-shirts on Café Press by dinnertime, it's just because I got too busy to set up shop. I'm on board, in other words. He had me at that little flick of his fingers as he summons Sookie and Bill for a little chat.

Eric introduces Sookie to Eric, and she says, "It's nice meeting you." Eric says, "Aren't you sweet," to which Sookie replies, "Not really." That earns her a squeeze of Bill's hand in warning and the slightest huff of laughter from Eric. After mocking Bill for "mainstreaming," Eric tells Sookie that if she has questions about his customers, she should ask him. She shows him the photos. He dismisses Maudette as being beneath the privilege of his attentions, but says of Dawn, "This one…I have tasted." I KNEW IT. I knew Eric was "the best sex" Dawn ever had. Can I call it or what? It's fun to see how unintimidated Sookie is by Eric, though she takes care to be respectful. Eric definitely looks intrigued, even go so far as to have her come sit by him, staring at her while he asks Bill, "Are you quite attached to your friend?" Bill steps up and says, "She is mine," and Sookie readily agrees that she is, indeed, Bill's. Eric lets his eyes rove down to Sookie's killer tits on display and says, "What a pity…for me." Then he licks his lips. GUH. Excuse me while I slobber a little on my keyboard. Um, HBO? More of that, please. Thank you.

Sookie overhears an undercover cop worrying about his backup not coming in time. She tells Eric, who accepts her at her word when she says that mild-mannered dude from before is getting drained in the bathroom, and they all skedaddle just as the police raid the bar. Eric tells her, as he and Pam float off somewhere, "I enjoyed meeting you. You will come again." And again, and again, if Dawn was telling the truth about Eric's prowess, and I have no reason to think she wasn't.

On the way home, Sookie asks Bill to pull over so she can collect herself a little bit. While they're stopped, a deputy sheriff comes up to them, as Bill puts it, "on suspicion of being a vampire." Bill takes exception to being referred to as 'son,' and glamors the deputy into giving up his gun. It's over the top (which is really saying something, on this show), unnecessarily in your face with the deputy. Maybe Eric's casual superiority rattled him? Maybe he felt the need to assert his claim? Whatever, he goes way creepy way fast. If I were Sookie, I wouldn't find that charming -- I'd find it intensely off-putting. Bill drives off, leaving the deputy whimpering and pissing in his pants.

Next week: No Eric. WTF?