Fat Gaby confronts Paris Hilton... I mean, Edie.If you’ll recall, at the end of last season, Desperate Housewives pulled a Lost. It picked its viewers up straight out of the ongoing storyline and plopped us down five years into the future. Our short glimpse into the new Wisteria Lane was full of all kinds of wackiness: Susan, no longer married to Mike! Fat Gaby! Lynette’s monstrous kids teenagers getting arrested (okay, so maybe that one wasn’t so much “wacky” as “completely predictable in every way”). What remains to be seen is if this little venture will pay off, or whether it will leave fans yawning in their soap suds. Let’s get right to it!
Last season five years ago, Susan gave birth to her son Maynard. Snerk! That still makes me chuckle. In the hospital room next door, a woman named Lila Dash simultaneously had a little girl. Over the next few years, Susan and Lila crossed paths many times without meeting – the way they circle each other is kinda creepy, actually. But their lives never collided, if you will, until the night that Susan and Mike went out for an anniversary dinner… and Lila’s car crashed spectacularly into theirs. It’s nobody’s fault – a stop sign has been knocked down. The Delfinos’ SUV nearly rolls over the top of Lila’s car, then flips over and comes screeching to a halt on its top. Susan crawls out of the wreck, screaming for Mike, who’s lying on the ground covered in blood.
It may be five years later, but Mary Alice’s ghost is apparently still kibitzing around Wisteria Lane. She informs us that we all eventually ask where the time went. Bree is just as prim and buttoned-up as ever, except now she’s become the Martha Stewart of Wisteria Lane, complete with perfect coif and chilly smile that says “I’m dead inside.” She’s shooting a commercial for her soon-to-be-published cookbook, and the British photographer tells her wants her to “not look like she just made love to an ice cube.” Good luck, there, buddy. Just then, Katherine, a.k.a. the Robin to Bree’s Batman, shows up. Let me tell ya, Katherine is less than pleased that Bree’s the one getting credit for a domestic empire they built together. Bree hopes to smooth things over by dedicating her new book to Katherine.
I rub my hands together with glee as we finally get a good look at Fat Gaby. For weeks I’ve been soaking up gossip articles about how Eva Longoria packed on the pounds in order to, er, flesh out her role. Har! Way to sacrifice for your art, there, Eva. As it turns out, not only is Gaby porky, but she also has two equally chubbo, fugly daughters. The older one, Juanita, has definitely inherited her mother’s snooty self-deserving ‘tude… but not her pretty face. Shudder. Kiddo is currently trying to shove her portly frame into a way-too-small princess dress, much to the chagrin of a hovering store clerk.
Over in Scavoland, Lynette’s now sixteen-year-old twin terrors, Preston and Porter, have moved onto bigger and bolder hijinks. Like… turning the family pizza parlor into a speakeasy. Lynette shows up to momify (read: bust up) the party, and grounds the redheaded ruffians. Meanwhile, Susan’s gettin’ it on with a dude who most decidedly is not Mike. For one thing, he has longer, flowier hair than Mike. Also, he is way more annoying than Mike. Perhaps for that reason, Susan won’t let him spend the night. “Why can’t we be a couple?” whines the secret lovah. “What we’ve got is all I can handle,” replies Susan mysteriously.
An old man answers a knock on his door and is meets a sort of scary blond dude with a crew cut and a well fitted suit. Seriously, Mr. Blond Crew Cut is so Aryan-looking that all he needs is a Nazi uniform, and he could walk right onto the set of Schindler’s List. Mr. Blond Crew Cut offers the old man a ginormous wad of cash to move out of the house, ASAP. When the man hedges, saying he likes where he lives, Mr. Blond Crew Cut turns a little bit purple in the face. Holy crap… I don’t know where they found this guy, but he is freaky as all get out. Next thing you know, the old man’s bags are packed, and Mr. Blond Crew Cut… a.k.a. Dave Williams… escorts his bride into her new (or is it old?) home. It’s Edie! And she’s married to a creepy Nazi! And she’s moving back into her house on Wisteria Lane! Of course, in true Edie fashion, she has to announce her return by washing her car a la Paris Hilton in that ridiculous car-humping Carl’s Jr. commercial. The news spreads fast, and Gaby, Lynette, Susan and Bree all go trooping over to gawp at Edie as she totters on stilettos and soaps herself the car up. Edie proudly announces that she’s married to Dave Williams, a real estate seminar guru. He’s pleasant enough to the girls, who seem dubious of Edie but (oddly) want to have a party to welcome her back. Edie can’t help but ask what the heck and a half happened to Gaby. “I had two kids,” Gaby says. “What, for breakfast?” Edie snaps back! Woot! Dave seems to be the polite yin to Edie’s bitchy yang, and he reins in her cattiness. “I’m sorry, Gaby, that was rude and insensitive and it won’t happen again,” Edie chirps. “Who wants muffins!” Hee! Confused looks all around!
A bearded, still-blind Carlos cooks up some delicious Brussels sprouts… coated in electric nacho cheese. This causes Gaby to blame their daughter’s Fat Albert-esque physique on her husband. Bicker, bicker, jab – this pretty much still describes Gaby’s relationship with Carlos. Meanwhile, Lynette and her husband are also having a “discussion” about their kids, although Tom seems more interested in polishing his new red vintage convertible. Lynette’s sick of being the bad guy, and wants Tom to talk to the twins. But later that night, she spots him yukking it up with P&P, practically patting them on the back for “creatively” starting a gambling ring at the pizza parlor. Lynette’s shocked to discover that her former tuba-playin’ band nerd hubby is living vicariously through his cool-kid sons. Tom denies all, but he’s decided to un-ground the boys for the upcoming school dance. Way to parent, there, Tom. Some things never change.
Over at the princess-themed birthday party, Gaby has somehow managed to locate a princess caftan dress and shoehorn her kid into it. Juanita is currently inhaling a piece of birthday cake that would be intimidating to Sasquatch. Gaby overhears some catty soccer moms talking about her daughter’s lardish ways. Later, when it’s time to go home, Gaby suggests that she and Juanita stop by the park and get some exercise. Juanita: “Nope.” At this point, a little light bulb goes off over Gaby’s head. Ding! Hey Juanita, want to play a new game on the way home? Gaby hops in her convertible and drives away, making the petulant kid run after the car while she shouts encouragement over her shoulder. Hee! That’s one way to get exercise!
Susan arrives home, and we discover that her lover of the wavy hair is in fact her housepainter. They smooch it up, but just then Lynette arrives to complain about Tom, and loverboy has to jump out the window… sans pants. I nearly fall off of my couch laughing as Susan’s long-suffering gay neighbors simply roll their eyes… and calmly snap a photo. Ha! Once Lynette leaves, Susan reiterates that she doesn’t want her friends to know about her fling. Ho-hum… we get it, already. This storyline is by far the least interesting thing here in the “future.” Bree’s rivalry with Katherine, however, continues to simmer as deliciously as a slow-cooked beef stew. A local news crew is coming to do a story on Bree, but Katherine’s livid. She read the cookbook, and it’s filled with recipes they developed together – and some of them are Katherine’s alone. Bree doesn’t even know how to make them! When the newscaster shows up with his cameras in tow, Katherine grits her teeth and plays the dutiful #2. That is, until she pretends to strain her wrist… and just before she was about to put spun sugar netting on the croque-en-bouche (read: enormously poofy, fancy French dessert). Of course, the camera crew suggests that the Kitchen Queen herself take over, and hilarity ensues as Bree, who has clearly never done this before, flips molten sugar into the interviewer’s eye and gets all tangled up in the sticky netting. All the while, Katherine smirks naughtily in the background.
Gaby’s still “playing” chase-the-convertible with Juanita, who chugs sweating along behind the car. That is, until she gets tired and hops onto the nearest city bus! Freaking out, Gaby drives after it, hollering her kid’s name. Dude… let me just say that it is really easy to dislike this fat, smug, frosting-smeared kid. Back at home, Gaby and Carlos fight over Gaby’s “humiliating” their daughter. Carlos thinks that even if she’s heavy she has the right to feel good about herself, but Gaby’s projecting herself onto the kid. Before you know it, she says, “you’re old and fat and have no time for facials.” Carlos reassures that he “sees” her every time he kisses her, and she’ll always be beautiful to him. Aw! Carlos, you old softie.
Lynette and Tom are taking that “united front” approach to heart. Yep indeedy, they’re allowing the boys to go to the Homecoming Dance. And guess what? Lynette announces that they get to take their dad’s precious convertible! Tom nearly has a shit fit, but he pretty much has to agree with his wife, since he’s the one who “trusts” his kids. The boys go screeching away in Tom’s shiny red baby, and later that night, still aren’t home thirty minutes after curfew. Tom’s standing outside tapping his foot and peering at his watch, and Lynette tells him that when the kids behaved badly, they assumed it would get better when they grow up. Now… they’re sixteen and still not getting it. Lynette and Tom have a lot of work to do. Of course, at this point the twins come screeching in, all ready to be palsy-walsy with their pushover dad. But for once, Tom ain’t havin’ it. He grounds the boys for a month for breaking curfew! And when Preston says that he’s only doing it because he was worried about his car, Tom hauls off and kicks off the rearview mirror! Whoa. Now the boys know that he means business. Good thing they don’t overhear Tom telling Lynette that mirror was broken – he already ordered a new one.
Time for Edie’s homecoming party at the pizzeria. Edie’s so grateful that they’ve decided to go to such lengths to apologize to her. Lynette: “Whoa there we’re not saying sorry for nada.” The girls declare that it’s not a pity party, it’s a “We forgive you for skanking on our menfolk” party. An indignant Edie is once again pulled away by her husband. He takes her in the back, and she wants to know why he’s so gung ho about Wisteria Lane. Dave says that they need these folks to like them… “it’ll make everything easier.” Okay, so that was more than a little bit creepy. Back out front, Susan’s paintboy shows up and decides it’s a great time to serenade her with drunken karaoke. Gee, what could be more romantic than some douchebag yodeling an off-key eighties love song at the top of his voice? Predictably, Susan shuts off the power in order to keep his message o’ love from getting to her friends. She then hooks him offstage, and he once again asks why he’s not allowed to hang out with her in public. At which point Susan declares that she doesn’t deserve to be happy. A few years ago there was a car accident… a bad one. Although loverboy insists that she shouldn’t feel guilty about it, Susan’s clearly too torn up to be in a relationship. He tells her that he’ll be here when she is ready. Okay, that’s kinda sweet, but this guy is still v.v. annoying.
Later that night, Bree has a flashback. I’ve been wondering where her baby (the one who was really Danielle’s) is. Well, it turns out that Danielle got married to a lawyer and took her little boy right back. A desperate Bree begged Danielle not to, but Danielle snapped that Bree would have to find something else to take his place. And indeed she has… making spun sugar for a fancy French dessert, which she’s staying up late to perfect. Speaking of flashbacks, Susan’s having one, too. Hey! Mike’s alive – he survived the accident! It turns out that Lila and her baby daughter were the ones who died, and Susan’s all guilt-addled about it. She thinks that it’s her fault. It’s pretty clear that when Mike refused to consistently dwell on the accident the way Susan was, their marriage ended. Now Mike’s here to pick up Maynard (or “MJ” as they have mercifully nicknamed him). As they head out, Susan mentions that she has someone new in her life, and all Mike can say is “Good for you.” Sigh. I miss Mike already. He balances out Susan’s neuroses so nicely.
Here comes Mary Alice, to tell us that time goes by very quickly. In a flash the life we knew is gone forever, and we’re left to ask ourselves how things could have changed so much. As she speaks, Dave’s cell phone rings, and he sneaks downstairs so that Edie won’t overhear his conversation with the man on the other end. It’s a doctor, who says he’s been getting concerned because Dave hasn’t checked in. Apparently, a condition of Dave’s release is that he speak to the good doc once a month. Um… release? As in, from a mental hospital? Apparently so, because the last flashback of the evening is of Dave, sitting in a padded room, wearing a robe. He’s having a hard time coming to terms with his rage, but needs to make progress since “the charges were dropped because you agreed to treatment.” Whoa. This guy is seriously effed up. In the flashback, the doctor says that they need to be certain he’s not a danger to himself or others. “Only one person should be worried,” says Dave. In the present, he gazes confidently down Wisteria Lane.
GULP. Dave scares the bejeezus out of me, folks. Who’s the person he’s after? Could it be Susan? Maybe he was married to Lila, and blames Susan for her death? Time will tell…
delicious
digg
yahoo
Stumble this
Technorati Tags:
