Dirty Sexy Money: The Birthday Present (Episode 201)

Keys to the kingdom. OF HELL.: Courtesy ABC.com Just so we know where we’re at, we start the new season (eee!) to the “da doo bum beh, da doo bum beh” of “Under Pressure.”  Nick, appropriately suited up is on his way not to a fundraiser for Patrick’s Senate campaign, as the media was told, but a birthday party in his honor. He’s met by a phalanx of reporters asking about whether Tripp is contributing to the campaign (he is) and how Nick brokered that deal. Nick smoothly says that was quite the adventure. Krause, I missed your charming face.

Onboard, we get lots of helpful names. Letitia and Patrick greet Nick; Patrick and Nick share a significant look as Patrick wishes him a happy birthday. Nick asks if they’ve seen Lisa, his wife, but they haven’t. Nick takes off to look for her. Tish asks where Patrick’s wife is, wondering if Ellen is “alcoholically indisposed again?” Exposition goes better with wine; hang on while I get my glass. Patrick says she must be running late.

Upstairs, Tripp’s telling someone that Brian used to be a minister, but now he works for Tripp. And delicious Brian has a red face, having gone boating with Patrick in the Hamptons. Nick approaches, and Tripp introduces him to his friend Hal Matheson. Hal of course knew Dutch, Nick’s dad. Nick takes off again, but not before passing Karen wordlessly, sharing another loaded look. Karen greets her dad with a kiss, huge ironed bangs, and a little something they pass from hand to hand. Nick notices, but he finally spots Lisa boarding the yacht below, looking up to the whole event in a slinky black dress. They meet at the bar, where they tell each other that they’re good. Tripp calls to Nick for a toast, and Nick pulls Lisa with him towards the inner circle, asking if she’s ready. And though she says she is, neither of them look quite up to it when Tripp, after saying no one (except maybe Dutch) has done so much to keep the family together, gives Nick the yacht on which they’re all standing. While we’re still absorbing that, an NYPD helicopter hovers overhead, telling the party to prepare to be boarded. Patrick looks at Nick, asking, “What did you do?”

48 Hours Earlier. At home, Nick tells Lisa that Tish and Tripp want to throw him a small party, just them and the Darlings. Lisa knows this is impossible, and that she was hoping she and Nick would do his birthday at home. He says tonight, it’s their night, tomorrow, yachting with the Darlings. For now, he’s off: six months of mediating between Patrick and Tripp are about to take off.

Tripp’s Office in the Sky. Tripp and Patrick, with Nick in between, argue over the extent of Tripp’s impending involvement in the campaign. Tripp’s still wounded that Patrick ever listened to Simon Elder, who Patrick says he’s cut ties with. Apparently, Patrick’s campaign is a mess, and Ellen’s not helping things by showing up drunk all over the place, which Tripp attributes to Patrick mourning “the vanished Carmelita.” Patrick leaves, fed up, and Tripp’s about to give his “when you come crawling back” speech, but Patrick’s firm: he’s not coming back.

Jeremy pulls up on his Vespa outside the George residence, prattling Italian at Lisa. She calls him a stalker. Jeremy’s been showing up on her doorstep ever since they kissed in her gallery and she got fired. Jeremy says he can’t stop thinking about her, but Lisa is not having this: things with Nick were not good when that happened, but it was six months ago, things are better, and Jeremy needs to leave her alone. And get a helmet.

Karen dismounts Simon Elder and sends him for gin so she can go through his phone a little. He thinks Tripp doesn’t know about them, and Karen’s like, no big. He tells her a story about when he came to New York, because he likes to do that, that somehow involves a crystal swan. He tells her he loves her. Karen’s flummoxed, but barely pauses. She says thank you, and affecting a teasing smile, says she thinks he’s neat, too. Simon, though not quite sure what to make of this, laughs a little.

Nick arrives in his office to find Karen waiting for him. He closes the door, and she promptly drops her dress to give him a naked happy birthday. As you do.

Nick, averting his eyes, tells Karen to put her clothes on. She does, but only in a whatever, you big baby way. She sits, telling him that Simon told her he loves her. Nick didn’t know she’s still seeing Simon, and she babies that she’s snooping on him for Daddy. And he’s falling for her and now she feels kinda, you know… Bad. Nick tells her to remove herself. She says she’s trying to, and Nick’s sort of her exit ramp that way. Nick basically tells her that he’s off limits, so take herself away forthwith. But he does so with some forceful advice: “Make choices!”

Brian Junior is back! He’s building a model ship with his dad; Andrea’s pissed that Brian’s somehow holding up her visa and thus her return to Brazil. Brian doesn’t know why they need to go back to Brazil, anyway. Tripp interrupts to pull Brain aside to ask him to counsel Ellen, given that her alcoholism is making her an embarrassment. Brain is less than pleased: “I left the church and took this job so that I wouldn’t have to smile and nod and care about other people’s problems!” He says that when Tripp sent him to Germany to close a factory and fire all those people? That was fun. Tripp asks if he’s saying now, and Brian says definitively that he is. Tripp thanks him for his frankness, slaps him on the ass, and leaves.

Patrick’s hired a PI to find Carmelita, but she doesn’t want to be found. The PI tells him to go home to his wife, and Patrick says, basically, Ellen has become an abusive nightmare. “Keep looking,” he says. “Never give up.” At home, we get proof that Ellen’s a boozy shrew, but she also wants some affection from Patrick. He’s still a little sore that she shot him in the leg.

Jeremy’s drinking his sorrows when Lucy Liu comes on to him. She’s been waiting for him. She asks about the girl that’s troubling him, and Jeremy admits that he overextended himself, “heart-wise.” Lucy Liu, who doesn’t have a name yet, tells him to put himself out there. Sometimes a woman wants a man to push: “It makes her feel pretty.” Jeremy watches her walk out, and it’s possible he’s overextended elsewhere now.

Patrick showers. Ellen drinks and stares at his briefcase. Showering. Going through of briefcase. Ellen finds photos of Carmelita. Incensed, she throws them at the wall. Patrick takes the world’s longest shower, giving Ellen the opportunity to accost him with a fire place poker. She breaks the glass shower walls, telling Patrick he drove her to this. She says he’s never going to find Carmelita. Horrified, he asks what she did, and Ellen snaps that she had Carmelita taken care of. She goes to take a fatal swing but slips on the broken glass and water, smacks her head on the lip of the granite sink, and falls, blood pooling around her. Patrick freaks, picks up the phone, and asks for help. On the other end of the line, Tripp says he’s there.

Nick, on his way to Patrick’s, is on the phone with Lisa, promising he’s going to make their birthday dinner. Clark lets him into the apartment, where Tripp and Patrick hold watch over Ellen’s body. Nick: “Somebody start talking. Now.”

Jeremy descends on Lisa while she waits for Nick. There is flirting, and Lisa sort of smirks.

Bathroom of Death. Nick says that it’s clear it was an accident, but they need to call the police. Tripp is thinking about the toll this will take—Nick interrupts to ask if he means the campaign, but Tripp meant on the family. Nick: “What are you asking me to do?” Tripp says nothing, though Nick raises a good point about the campaign. Nick: “Did you seriously expect me to show up here, move her body, put it somewhere else, set it on fire, and make it all look like an accident?” Patrick says Dutch would have done it. Nick reminds him that his dad’s dead. “This is a woman’s life!” he says. Tripp: “And a man’s. And a family’s. It’s many things, Nick.” Nick steps back, literally, and says that they should call the police, and at that point, they can call him. Right now, this is a moral situation, not a legal one, and it’s theirs to deal with. Patrick scoffs in disgust and asks his dad what to do. Tripp: “We must follow Nick’s sage advice.”

Karen drops in on Simon to tell him that she’s not going with him to the benefit. She says she’s tired. He says it’s okay if she doesn’t want to say she loves him, if that’s what this is all about. “Noooomaybe a little,” she says. Simon tells her that he could have any woman in New York, but he chose her, so he said it. He also knows that she’s with him to spy for Tripp. Karen fumbles for a second, saying it started out that way. He goes to a safe and pulls out a little vial, which is a clean-burning, non-toxic fuel. He puts it in her hand and tells her to take it to Tripp. Simon will lose millions, but Daddy will be happy. He kisses Karen’s hand and leaves her.

Jeremy has gotten Lisa drunk. She enjoys it, and she thanks him, but tells him not to kiss her. So he totally does. She asks him why he does that. “Because I think you’re beautiful!” he whines. “You’re the prettiest girl in New York, and you know you want me to kiss you!” He thinks she wants to kiss him, too. She says she knows he won’t believe it, but she really doesn’t. And then they totally make out. Like, against the side of a building make out. Lisa’s not so out of it that she can’t see her husband get out of his cab across the street and take off after one look of disgust.

Nick’s drinking in the office when his phone rings. It’s Lisa, so he ignores it. “Maybe my family and your family are just a bad combination, you ever think of that?” he asks. In the corner, Karen says it’s crossed her mind. His dad, her mom; his wife, her brother; him, her. They drink to people for whom things are simple. He apologizes for being mean to her when she was naked. He wonders if they really do have choices. Maybe none of them do. Maybe Patrick doesn’t, either. “Maybe it’s all just chemistry, you know. You just want what you want and you can’t stop wanting,” he says. “Maybe it’s that simple.” They do the leaning thing. Karen says he’s drunk; he says she’s beautiful. The lean in, but Karen hesitates. Nick says she’s thinking about Simon. She’s horrified to say she is. The phone rings, but it’s not Lisa. It’s Tripp, summoning Nick for the next morning. Karen tells him that they’re not a bad combination; it’s just bad timing. They manage not to kiss except on the cheek.

Darling Manse. Tish tells Brian that Andrea took his son and jetted. Brian asks where Tripp is. Does he want Tripp to intervene, Tish asks. Brian: “He already did.”

Clark has the body in the truck of his limousine at the country house, and a lighter in his hand. Next thing, Tripp’s getting a call from him with a well done and thank you. Nick steps in. Tripp asks if he knows how many men died building the Brooklyn Bridge: twenty-seven. Millions of people use the bridge every day, now. Nick asks if this is his way of saying Ellen was expendable. Tripp says no, but every endeavor has a cost. Nick thinks people are people, not costs. “Ellen contrived a life that can be best described as a venal venture, in which, regrettably, she did not have the strength to play her role,” Tripp muses. “In the end, she resulted to drink, and finally last night, once again, to violence. She had none of the patience and grace that make your marriage to Lisa such a blessing.” Nick says, yup, he’s lucky. Tripp says that all he asked from Nick was help protecting Patrick and his kids from the fall out. Nick asks again what Tripp wants from him. Tripp just wants him to himself be a part of the family. “You are a son to me,” he says. “Let us love you.”

Jeremy arrives, whining that he has to bail on the party. Nick stops him from leaving again and whales him one good on the jaw. He turns to Tripp and says he’ll be at the office if he’s needed.

George Residence. Nick does his tie. Lisa does laundry. She tells him she was drunk and he’d left her waiting. Nick asks if she’s seriously trying to defend kissing Jeremy. She reminds him he’s kissed Karen. Nick asks sarcastically if they’re even now. She asks if he doesn’t think he’s headed down the same road as Dutch. She says, not for the first time, she’s losing him. They’re losing us, she says. Someday, he’s going to have to make a choice between their family and the Darlings. She hopes he chooses them. She leaves, and he calls after to ask if she’s coming to the party.

Brian chews out Tripp in his study while Tripp does his tie. He says Tripp disappeared Brian Junior because Brian wouldn’t talk to Ellen about her drinking. Tripp denies it. Brian: “You’re full of crap!” Oh, I missed you, Brian. Tripp says if he’d know what was happening, he’d have helped, but Brian didn’t tell him, as family should do. Brian apologizes for not talking to Ellen. Tripp says if he had, maybe things would be different. Brian asks what he means, and Tripp tells him it would help him and Patrick if he agreed that he spent the past two days sailing with Patrick in the Hamptons. With a fleeting look of disgust, Brian asks why. Tripp just wants a yes or no, so Brian agrees. Tripp sentences him to ten minutes in the tanning bed, since he’s looking pale.

Karen, in her party gear, arrives at Simon’s to return the vial of clean-burning fake out. She tells him there’s only been one man to make her feel a certain way before—Nick—but she’s changing with Simon and she doesn’t want to let him go. Their relationship scares her, but she likes it. They mack, and she goes to leave. He asks her to come by afterwards. After she’s gone, he grabs his cell and calls someone: “We’ve got her.” D’oh! I wish he’d said it in Russian. Because of how he’s Russian, remember? I hope they do, because that was freaking bizarre.

Jeremy’s passed out on the bar when Lucy Liu descends. He’s got on the “I got punched” sunglasses. He says he’s a mistake, he’s always a mistake. She asks if it would be a mistake to take her to the limo he has outside, and, you know, fuck her. Because that’s what happens, with a lot more ripping and grunting and shoes on the ceiling. Jeremy decides that it’s definitely not a mistake.

Darling Manse. The maids are watching Valhalla, the country house, go up in flames on the news. They flag down Clark, asking if they should call the boss. Clark thinks nah.

And we’re back at the start, with all the awkward looks and exchanging of names and “da doo bum beh, da doo bum beh” and sunburned Brian and Hal Matheson. And what does Karen pass her dad? Not a vial, but the crystal swan. Lisa and Nick are okay. Tripp inducts Nick into the family with the passing of the keys. The NYPD prepare them to be boarded. Patrick asks what Nick did. “You ratted me out?” Pat asks. Tripp asks what Nick did. Nick asks what the problem is, and a detective hands Nick an arrest warrant. He steps past Patrick and cuffs Tish, telling her that she’s under arrest for murder. The murder of Dutch George.

As they escort her away, Nick’s expression is nothing short of inscrutable.

AWESOME.