Primeval Episode Nine

Important Stats:
Terrifying Dinosaur Count: 0 (Yay!)  
Anomalies: 0 (Sorry, no sparkly lights this week.)
Bad Ideas For A House Pet: 1
Appropriately Named Technology: 1
Big Beastie: Smilodon / Sabretooth (AKA Victor)

Recapper’s Note: I admit, I was all ready to make a bunch of Tony the Tiger cracks with this week’s episode, but then I realized I could call him Sabretooth instead.  Anything that allows me to reference/ think about Hugh Jackman (Sabretooth being Wolverine’s arch enemy) and revel in a level of extra-geeky will always win out over any puns involving the words “They’re great!”

We’re at Blue Sky Park, which makes me wonder if we’re in Britain at all.  When I lived there blue sky was practically news-worthy.  My next-door neighbour in Glasgow told me that “a dry day is where it only rains once.”  She wasn’t lying.  

With all the hand-held cameras and rhythmic drums, we’re supposed to be frightened, but I’m not fooled for a minute.  It’s a paintball match.  Two pretty, and moronic, girls are spooked by what is clearly a couple of guys doing wolf calls.  Come on, ladies, like you haven’t heard that before.  They’ve even managed to get themselves lost on the course.  They’re scared by another player who fires more than a dozen shots at them, while all they do is stand there and scream.   Geez, these two women are too stupid to live.  Because of this, I’m totally pissed off when the other player promptly gets attacked.  Evolution really has run amok because of the anomalies.  If Darwinism really did work, Victor would’ve gone for the two morons who are probably just standing there, listening to the man scream.

Credits.

Connor is still ignoring that fate is clearly telling to stay away from Caroline.  Last week, he washed off her number.   This week, he has to skip a coffee date with her to go save the world from Victor.  In case fate couldn’t be any clearer, Abby is waiting impatiently for him.

Before Connor heads off (after telling the lamest lie ever about a presentation at school) we get to witness something almost as painful as the reigniting of Stephen/Helen flame.

As Connor and Abby drive off (not before Connor burns his tongue on the hot coffee), Caroline confirms what was painfully obvious to anyone with eyes, she’s working for someone.  She sends a picture of Rex she must’ve taken surreptitiously when she was in Abby’s flat, off to persons unknown.

ARC:  Cutter and Jenny (and Leek, but let’s ignore him) are standing around waiting for Connor.  In order to fill the awkward empty space, Cutter asks Jenny how her boyfriend (“fiancé,” Jenny corrects) is.  Umm, Cutter, when one is trying to fill the awkward silence, there’s one cardinal rule.

The awkward is broken by Connor and Abby trying to break the 100m hurdle record, except the hurdles are people in the ARC, instead of the more traditional kind.  It’s time to introduce the new Anomaly Detector Device, or ADD (and acronym Connor thinks might not be the most appropriate).

It does all sorts of cool things.  It beeps, flashes, and detects anomalies all around Britain taking up valuable budgetary space for the show’s effects.  I guess this means they’ll have to save money by having Stephen not wear clothes for the next couple of episodes.  (A girl can hope, can’t she?)

Speaking of Stephen, the ADD can make him appear out of freaking nowhere as he wasn’t standing near Jenny (and Leek, but let’s ignore – you get the point) a second ago and yet, here he is.  I love the ADD, even if it isn’t taking up enough of the budget to affect his wardrobe.  It can detect anomalies and bring us scorching hot assistants / pit bulls / bloodhounds / bodyguards / excuses for slash.  That is one brilliant computer.

Connor’s even made a handheld version, which is a little clunky, but still impressive considering the short period of time he’s had to work on it.  When Jenny makes a crack about “beaming up” with it, I’m glad Connor verbally smacks her down by reminding her how awesome this piece of equipment is.  It’s a huge step up from website creating, camping on a hunch Connor we had at the beginning.  If he gets any more competent, I might have to stop calling him a member of the B Team.

This also fulfills Cutter’s weekly 5% of being amused by Connor.

Leek totally deflates Connor’s hard work by informing the team of a new creature attack.  Since there’s a creature, and the anomaly detector didn’t alert, Leek, the little creepy man, is getting a bit of joy over proving Connor’s machine doesn’t work.  I feel absolutely terrible for poor Connor, who, for once, looked like he was about to have unmitigated success, only to have Leek ruin it.  I think that pretty much sums up Leek’s character if your replace the word “Connor” with “Anyone he meets.”

Blue Sky Park:  According to the detector, there isn’t an anomaly.  There is, on the other hand, one champion paintball player who looks like he tried to perform The Lion King with actual lions.  I’m glad when Connor sticks up for himself insisting that he isn’t screwing things up this week.  He isn’t, but I can’t entirely blame the team for thinking otherwise as it’s happened before.

Bless Stephen!  He jumps in and defends his surrogate little brother, by trying to come up with another explanation, so now they’re off in search of an escaped animal from a private zoo.  

I take back the bless Stephen part, because just as the search begins, he gets a text from Helen.  She says she’s all right, but I’m a little curious about how texting is possible.

This time, Nick Cutter can’t miss that there’s something wrong with Stephen.  Thus while Connor is defending his ADD (the computer, not his condition), Nick is focused on Stephen, giving the slashers get their feeding for the episode.

Later, Jenny arrives, in completely inappropriate high-heeled boots for wandering around the forest.  She’s there to interview Valerie Irwin, a deputy park manager.  Just as I’ve come to expect from Jenny, she bulldozes her way through the niceties, avoiding all of Valerie’s questions, and demands to see the man who actually found the body.  

Before that interview can actually occur, we have the typical greasy businessman (aka, the boss) refusing to shut the park due to the costs of reimbursing everyone. Well, I guess litigation laws are a lot stricter in this UK, as the lawsuits from anyone whose family was eaten / witnessed / was present / scared by the mere mention of it, would be enough to shut down the park if this were in North America.  Jenny makes a deal with him: keep the paintball course shut, but keep the park open.  I’m sure that’s going to work out well or not.  Just in case we need another excuse to secretly hope for the park manager to be eaten, look at the screencap below.

Cutter and Jenny disagree on keeping the park open.  I’m actually disappointed.  I expected the pair of them to bicker brilliantly, but this time it’s annoyance versus slight apathy.  Please guys, you usually give me much more to work with here.

Oh, and in a classic case of obvious plot development, since Victor’s lost his original hunting ground, he’s moving on to something a little more tragic: the kiddie play park.  As a small child is left alone for a few moments and feels the need to wander off into the words, where he’s promptly scared by Victor.  I know we were supposed to feel dread at the toddler’s impending demise, but this is a pre-watershed show.  

Stephen’s off tracking Victor and finds his trail.  I’d like to know how it’s possible for Stephen to track Sabretooth, but miss the various cycling vehicles coming up the path.  Seriously, it’s not giving me a lot of faith in his ability to be aware of his surroundings.

Thus comes the most terrifying moment of all.  Connor is left to man the truck, while Abby and Cutter head off in the direction of Stephen.  At first, this doesn’t seem so terrifying but when Cutter leaves him the keys to the gun cases, this can only lead to an instance of absolute horror.  

Oh yes, and Connor taking the time to text Caroline, while he’s supposed to be watching out for Victor, is totally a Connor thing to do.  All I can think is “this is the man with whom Cutter left the keys to all the ammo?”

Victor’s doubled-back towards the park, leaving only Connor to defend everyone (and saving us from actually having to see what’s in Caroline’s second text message).  There’s a lot of running and panic as Connor warns everyone to run for their lives.  Shooting at some orange and black thing in the bushes, eventually, he comes face to face with the creature.

It’s not Victor but some innocent park employee in a suit.  I don’t think it’ll make anyone feel better that Connor’s a crack shot as he shot the suit through the forehead.  Even though Jenny will aptly sweep this all under the rug, it doesn’t mean Connor will be getting at the guns again any time soon.  You know, it was worth the sacrifice of an innocent costume just to be assured of that.

As if Connor’s day couldn’t get any worse, he’s promptly soaked by the passing flume.  I think I may have to up the percentage of amusement at Connor to 8% for future episodes.  If there’s one thing I’m absolutely certain of, the second Cutter would’ve been out of earshot, and I’ll bet he dissolved into the worst case of the giggles ever.  Seriously, Connor shot a man in a lion suit.  It’s funny.

Later, Connor’s still looking for Victor.  I want to suggest calling out Wolverine so I can stare at him as it’s his sort of thing, but it’s Jenny who makes a breakthrough.  She’s found someone named West who used to import exotic animals.  She insists on being at the West farm with Cutter, for obvious reasons.

Despite Jenny’s insistence on being there, Cutter is left alone, at first, to deal with West.  While Cutter’s cover story of working for the “James Lester Animal Foundation” is hilarious, and West is appropriately suspicious, it’s really one big red herring.  When Jenny arrives, and they take a look at what is snarling in the barn, it’s some pretty angry dogs.  Yup, this man is a bastard, but he has nothing to so with Victor.

Distracting me from what is painfully obviously an abused animal situation, we get some great Cutter and Jenny banter about whether or not Jenny was flirting with creepy farmer West.  Sadly, it’s not enough to distract me, but I won’t get on my soapbox here.

In fact, I’m not distracted until Jenny makes a clear distinction between her job and Cutter.  “You do the creatures.  I’ll do the people.”  

I’m quite sure that a subplot that will run throughout this series is the idea of giving Connor a complex.  As the team heads out, wearing heat-sensitive cameras to give them an advantage at night, Connor’s the only one who doesn’t get a gun.  Although, then the question is, why isn’t Cutter wearing the headgear?  I would usually say it’s because his scorching hot assistant / pit bull / bloodhound / bodyguard / excuse for slash, Stephen Hart would stick close to him, but this isn’t the case, this time.

Stephen’s found a park manager’s vehicle, still warm, out in the middle of the woods.  It’s Valerie, who claims her engine’s toast, so Stephen has to give a lift home.  Hmm, note to self: get stuck in the middle of woods and wait for an extremely hot guy to me.  Hey, if Stephen’s the quality of rescue in the woods, I’m all for it.

On the way back to her house, Valerie probes Stephen (not like that) for information.  Stephen really wants to tell her what’s going on, creating an even wider schism between Cutter’s ideology and his own.  These two are going to become like House and Wilson, and break up for good, aren’t they?

At a local train station, Darwinism gets it right, when Victor (to the strains of “Get It On” ) eats the park manager from earlier.  Actually, I had a lot of difficulty determining if it was the same guy.  I have no idea why, but he’s so nondescript, I recognized the tie more than the actor.  

His screaming is so loud, that Stephen and Valerie can hear it as they drive by.  Stephen leaves her in the car, but, to quote Chuck Bartowski, “It’s never safe in the car,” so I’m totally expecting her not to follow Stephen’s instructions.

The entire attack is caught on film by a trainspotter – an actual trainspotter, not Ewan McGregor.   Just as Stephen is about to get a shot at Victor, Valerie interrupts and scares away Sabretooth.  Hmm, Valerie is able to get the big cat to stop munching down on her boss, just by the sound of her voice.  If you were hit on the head with an anvil, that would be called foreshadowing.

Stephen wants to get back to hunting some pussy, but Valerie begs not to be left alone.  Oh Stephen, you’re such an alpha male that you don’t even realize you’re being played.

Later, Cutter, Jenny and Connor are there to view the pictures taken by Kenny, the trainspotter and we get another front-row centre seat to watch Jenny in action.  At first, Kenny can’t wait to sell his pictures of Victor to the highest bidder, but, by appealing to Kenny’s love of trainspotting (by offering him access to the train depot of his choice), and that stereotypical plot device where a geeky man is convinced that a hot woman in genuinely interested in him, she manages to get his memory card.  Initially, I was going to show a picture of Jenny flirting, and Kenny totally swallowing what she’s feeding him, but Cutter’s look throughout this exchange is literally worth a thousand snarky comments.

Unfortunately, Jenny’s machinations are for naught, because, somehow, the security video has been leaked to the web.

Stephen drops Valerie off at home, and the next morning, her careful lie about her vehicle being dead is busted when Cutter, Stephen and Abby see her pull into work.  She’s not overly pleased the team’s still there and for a woman trying to hide something, she’s an epic fail at subtlety. Considering how upset she is at the idea of the animal being trapped, even though it ate her boss, Stephen’s got to find out what’s really going on.

Or not, because the completely gorgeous, yet socially clueless Stephen (and Cutter) figure that Valerie’s just upset by the events.  Oh yes, great people reading skills, the pair of you.  No wonder you used to spend ten days at a time tracking animals because people are a complete mystery.

While the team is digging some traps, Cutter finds a hand.  At that exact moment, Victor arrives (somehow not scared off by the sound of the large piece of equipment Abby is using).  Cutter jumps into the pit, to avoid being mauled, and Abby, for a couple of minutes, uses the digger as the Sabretooth version of Harry Potter’s Whomping Willow.

Crawling out of the pit, Cutter distracts Victor from Abby (who at least has some protection in the form of the digger’s cab), and leads him off into the woods for a chase.  Okay, previously, I thought Cutter was so full of himself that he didn’t believe it was possible for him to be either wrong, or seriously hurt.  I’m changing that opinion to ridiculously suicidal because OMGWTF, big cat with bigger claws?  Who leads that on a chase when you have no weapons unless you want to die?

In what is possibly the best use of a location shoot yet, Cutter climbs up into a tree fort in the paintball area and escapes via his belt on a zip line.  I am not making this up.

For the second time in the space of five minutes, Abby’s to the rescue.  She gets a shot off, spooking Victor, just moments before Cutter becomes cat food.  As if we needed more obvious symbolism of the split between Stephen and Cutter, and it’s now up to Abby to rescue the team leader.  It could be worse.  The job could be left up to Connor.  

For a while, I was wondering why Cutter (and Stephen) were usually dressed in ratty clothes, whereas Team B always got geek chic or extra sexy clothing.  Well, in a case of realism, seeping into television, Cutter’s over his head in wet earth, as he digs out the body he found earlier.  It wouldn’t make sense to dress say, how people on Torchwood do, when this is part of your job description.

The body’s been in the ground for perhaps a month, which means two things.  1) Valerie Someone is protecting Victor.  2)  As the big cat has been here a while, Connor’s ADD is off the hook.

The plan is to release an escaped lion story to the media, and Jenny plans to blame it all on West from earlier.  Jenny’s gone alone to deliver the bad news to West, and this can’t be good.  Thus Stephen, Connor and Abby head off to get Jenny, while Cutter stays to find Victor.

Notice how I managed to get through that entire scene without once mentioning how Leek was also present?  Isn’t it much nicer when we ignore Leek?

Jenny’s gotten herself in over her head.  She threatens West with reporting his breading of dogs for fighting, unless he agrees to say it was his lion that escaped.  It would be an excellent plan, if she had back-up and he didn’t have a gun and two vicious dogs at his disposal.

Before Jenny can be killed and then fed to the dogs, Stephen and Team B turn up.  

Unfortunately, while West is the perfect scapegoat, he isn’t the one protecting Victor.  Once all the danger is over, Abby hands Connor a gun, probably just to appease him.  Either way, it’s still a bad idea.

Back in the pit, Cutter finds a wallet with a picture of Valerie and her boyfriend, like we couldn’t see that one coming.  After a quick cut, we’re at Valerie’s house, where we learn, that, the previous night, Stephen was so close to getting some pussy.

Again with the suicidal Cutter, he heads off to Valerie’s with no protection other than a shot gun.  He puts the shotgun down, only to immediately find proof of Victor’s presence in Valerie’s life.

He calls Stephen, who promptly guns it to Valerie’s looking all concerned for Cutter’s life.  Now that’s more like the slash Cutter and Stephen I know.  They see Valerie’s vehicle at a crossroads and choose to follow it, instead of going to Cutter.  Okay, so that moment of the relationship I love didn’t last very long.  You know what else I’ve been missing in this episode: a good sibling moment between Stephen and Connor.  I’m actually a little sad about it.

Oh snap!  Valerie wasn’t driving the car, it was a mechanic sent as an unwitting decoy and Cutter is still in serious danger.

Valerie justifies her behaviour, as she believes Victor was the result of some genetic experiment.  Confident that the team created him, Valerie refuses to see Victor trapped or killed.  In short, Victor is her beloved pet (who found his way into her garage) and even her boyfriend deserved what he got if her pet isn’t treated properly.  I would say her behaviour is way out of line, but I know quite a few people who love their cats that much.  

Without explaining that an anomaly probably appeared in the garage, dropping Victor from the past, Cutter tries to appease her, but to no avail.  She doesn’t even change her mind after firing off a shot to see that it’s a tranq gun, so, obviously Cutter wasn’t planning on killing it.

It’s at this moment Victor wanders into Valerie’s living room.  From what I know of cat behaviour, what he really wants to do is lie on the nicest piece of furniture and shed exponentially more than normal, but Victor isn’t your normal cat.  Then again, perhaps he is, as many of the cats I know are more than happy to eat whatever they find laying around the house.

Cutter tells her that once Victor is done snacking on him; he’ll turn to Valerie for dessert.  She doesn’t believe him.  Oh Valerie, if there’s one thing cats have taught me, they have no compunction in biting the hand that feeds them.

Abandoning Cutter to his fate, Valerie sneaks out while Victor is attacking.  Of course, Cutter can’t die (because I say so) and manages to escape into the kitchen and out through the laundry room window, after holding Victor at bay with some freshening spray.  I guess Victor doesn’t like to smell like pine, or tropical flowers or what ever faux scent might be in there.

After jumping off a deck, and injuring one of his legs, Cutter now only has a shovel to defend himself.  It’s too bad he didn’t have a shovel, plus the back-up of two guns, like Connor did earlier.  Instead of the team rescuing him, Valerie proves she isn’t completely ruled by her cat, and tries to stop Victor.  Now, remember what I said earlier about cats biting the hand that feeds them?

Just as Victor is chowing down on Valerie, the team arrives and Stephen sedates him.  It’s too late for Valerie, and, thankfully, we just have to see the reactions to the disgusting state of the body, instead of having to actually see it.  There are some pros to this being a pre-watershed show.  While it means we’ll never get to see Stephen naked, it also means we won’t have too much gore and sometimes that’s a fair trade off.

Stephen blames the secrecy for Valerie’s death, but Cutter realizes that Stephen (who technically didn’t say anything) did imply quite a few things, from which Valerie made the wrong assumptions.  Therefore, the split between them is made worse because they’re both sort of right in this situation.

ARC:  Cutter is told Victor died of a heart attack and the body has been cremated.  Yeah, nothing says cover up like hiding the body, does it?

Before he can take a moment to digest everything, Connor’s ADD goes off.  (I know “digest” might be a bit inappropriate here, but I couldn’t think of a better word.)  The team’s back on duty, even though Connor was supposed to be going out with Caroline.  While Cutter and Stephen may not learn their lessons from this case, perhaps Connor will finally come to a most important realization.

As if we needed more proof of Caroline’s evilness, she’s in league with Leek.  He’s paying her to spy on Connor (even though she doesn’t know why) and she wants more money because she finds him repulsive.  It’s at this moment she’s mauled to death by a bunch of angry fangirls.  Okay, so I made that part up but wouldn’t that have been an awesome ending to this episode?

Next Week: Creatures from Harry Potter invade Primeval and I have high hopes for a glimpse of a wet Stephen!