Survivor: She Is Obviously Post-Op! (Episode 1703)

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Previously, on Survivor: Nobody got eaten by a large animal! Let's call that a win! And, thanks to Defamer.com, I saw more of Marcus than I ever expected to see. There's a big ball joke in there somewhere, but I can't quite get my hands around…never mind. Oh, just so you know, that link? SO Not Safe For Work.

It's Night 6 at Fang. Crystal says, "We got rid of a major physical weak link," in voting off Gillian. I can't disagree. Randy, meanwhile, just thinks his whole tribe is useless and stupid. One example? We learn the next morning that they've been eating three meals a day. Are you kidding me? Where do they think they are? Sandals? Randy tries to get them to agree to drop down to only two meals a day, but GC doesn't want some old redneck honky telling him anything, or asking him anything, or telling him what he can ask, or something like that. GC's got a big, defensive chip on his shoulder, which is not endearing him to his tribe. Randy describes him as, "a cancer that needs to be excised." I don't like Randy, or GC. Let's go visit Kota and shake off some of that Fangy stench.

Over at Kota, they're not burning through their rice because the Onion Alliance is bringing home fish! Lots of fish! Well, Charlie and Marcus are, anyway, while Jacquie and Corinne stand on the sidelines cheering: "2-4-6-8! Who hauls fish out of the lake? Marcus! Marcus! Marcus!" Charlie, our social chair for this season, breaks down the emerging relationships: Paloma and Kelly are tight, and Ace has a small blonde growth attached to his armpit, otherwise known as Sugar. It doesn't surprise me that the two nick-named people gravitated towards each other. Ace wants someone he can tell what to do and she'll do it, and Sugar says, "I think Ace will take care of me as much as he can." *smacks forehead* Sugar, we're going to come to find out that you don't need Ace; never did. If you want to play dumb blonde for the rest of the tribe, go for it, but don't fall for the line yourself.

Paloma and Kelly don't like Ace at all, but they go along when he suggests sitting out their stronger players for the Reward Challenge in order to save them for the Immunity Challenge. Makes sense, I have to say.

For the Reward Challenge, one member from each tribe is stationed at a post, while two members of the opposing tribe try to pry him or her off the post and drag them across the sand to the finish line. The first team to successfully drag the opposing tribe member across the line wins a point; two points wins the challenge. Players will be allowed to swap positions each round. The Reward is "comfort" -- blankets, pillows, a hammock and woven mats, plus the chance to send someone from the losing tribe to Exile Island. Because there needs to be an equal number of men and women on each team, Fang will sit out Ken, and Kota will sit out Corinne, Jacquie, and Kelly.

Jeff says, "It's gonna be good and physical," and he's right. Dan holds onto the pole for Fang, with Charlie and Marcus trying to pry him off; Ace has the pole for  Kota, with GC and Matty working him over. Ace is on that pole like white on rice; he doesn't even budge, and eventually GC just gives up while Matty futilely struggles on alone. Charlie and Marcus have more luck, dragging Dan inch by torturous inch until they cross the finish line. One point for Kota! Next up are women on the pole: Susie for Fang and Paloma for Kota. While Bob and Sugar try to make headway with Susie, Crystal strolls over, picks Paloma up by her foot, tosses her over one shoulder and throws her across the finish line. I'm hardly even exaggerating! Randy's there, too, but Crystal's the muscle. She's probably -- no lie -- a foot taller and 50 lbs heavier than Paloma, so it's hardly surprising. This is one of those cases where all women are not created equal. [deleted soapbox]I was going to get all political on you here, but discretion proved to be the better part of valor. Let me just say this: I'm not tall enough to vote with my vagina. [/deleted soapbox]. Round Two to Fang!

Round Three puts Dan and Ace back on the pole (doesn't that sound dirty? I think that sounds dirty). This time, it's even more physical, with Crystal and Matty working on Ace and Bob and Marcus doing their best with Dan. Bob's strengths lie in other areas, though, like bench-building and buff-tieing, so Matty gets Ace over the line with an assist from Crystal. Fang wins its first challenge! I noticed something last night about Matty. Don't you think he's a dead ringer for Misha Collins, Dean's angel on Supernatural?

 misha

matty

Fang sends sweet Sugar to Exile Island. She starts the day lost, nervous, disheveled, and teary, talking about how much she misses her father, who died seven months ago. Looking for clues is hard work, and she's just not sure she's smart enough, but she tries anyway. Then she finds one clue, then another, then another, then another. With each clue, you can actually watch her confidence build. The clues lead her to a sand crater, a tall tree, some burnt wood, and finally, to a thigh-deep creek, where she bravely wades in with what she calls "giant lizards" -- um, those are "alligators," sweetie! By the time she finds the Hidden Immunity Idol, she's got her hair tucked back in her buff, she's standing tall, and she's absolutely gorgeous. You did it! Yay, Sugar Jessica! You don't need no stinkin' Ace! "I can't believe I found it and the lawyer didn't! Ha!" she says.

Back at the Kota camp, Bob and Ace talk about how Sugar and Paloma are the bottom rungs on the tribe ladder, but not really, since Ace is making his case for keeping his ally, Sugar. Then Bob and Corinne go off and Corinne makes her pitch on behalf of the Onion Alliance, trying to bring him in as their fifth, saying then they can just pick off whoever they want. Bob seems amenable, and why not? Paloma doesn't have any sway, Kelly's just the blonde who's not Jacquie, and Bob's out there swinging in the breeze with his buff done up like a bowtie. I'd say the Onions look pretty good to Bob.

Treemail brings the Survivors their swimsuits. Aww, does this mean we won't get anymore shots of Marcus's wang? Phooey! Still, the swimsuits allow for this kind of display:

yum yum

So I'm not complaining. The Immunity Challenge is a water challenge, complete with a Traditional African…water slide. Oy. One at a time, six tribe members will hurl themselves down what Jeff cutely calls "the slippery slide" into the water, then swim out to collect a numbered tile, which they then bring back to their seventh tribe member. Once all the tiles have been collected, that seventh person will solve a math puzzle which leads to a combination on a chest. The first team to open the chest and raise their tribe flag wins Immunity. Here's the puzzle:

"The sum of each end value equals the sum of the middle two. The last is equal to the second minus the third, and is one less than its only neighbor."

In Ran-ese, it sounds like this:

"Blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blahty blah, and blah blahblah blah blah, minus one."

Paloma and Sugar sit this one out for Kota. Kelly's first on the slide for Kota. Dang, that is one hot girl, right there. My Ever-Patient Mister really started paying attention once the swimsuits came out. Crystal uses her Olympic speed (and her height -- she walks out to collect her tile) and gives Fang a big lead to start. Corinne catches Kota up by beating Susie, followed by Charlie & GC, then Jacquie & Randy. Ace shows off -- surprise, surprise -- by flip-flopping around on the slide like Shamu while Dan just keeps doing his workmanlike thing for Fang. Marcus & Matty bring up the rear, and it's a very close race as Bob and Ken start working on the puzzles. Bob has a slight lead, but Ken closes fast. Both try wrong combinations, then Bob does another one wrong while Ken figures out where he messed up, opens the chest and raises the flag. Fang wins back-to-back challenges! Um, yay? I don't know. I'm pretty meh about Fang -- too much bitching and moaning for me. I will say that it's nice to see Ken get some love; I think I know who Fang will put on puzzles from now on.

Day 9 at Kota brings the obligatory pre-Council shuffle while an alligator out on an island spreads its legs and hunkers down. What the hell? I didn't know alligators could bend like that! Sugar plays dumb about her time on Exile, then disproves the "playing dumb" theory by telling Ace she has it. Oh, Sugar. "This is ours," Ace says, rubbing his hands together. No, you dick, it's hers. Paloma tries to get a little sumpin' sumpin' going to get Ace voted out, saying, "I just watch, then I'm going to pounce and eat them up." Unfortunately, she looks and sounds like an 8-week-old kitten going hellbent after a dust bunny. Corinne agrees about Ace: "I think he's a con artist," and even Charlie says, "Ace plays sugar like she's a pawn." Corinne seems to think there's plenty of time to get rid of Paloma later. So who will it be? The hissing kitten? Or the human penis?

Jeff welcomes the tribe to Tribal Council, where they get the Fire Represents Life Speech, v2.0. There's some chit-chat, where Marcus reveals a little social savvy by noting that Sugar can't possibly be as dumb as she pretends. Then Paloma bares her teeny-tiny claws at Ace, and he looks like a big dog wondering why the fuck that little kitten is climbing his leg and spitting at him. Jeff suggests that Paloma and Ace are acting like siblings, but Paloma's having none of that and gets even more dismissive of Ace. It's kind of funny, watching Ace's eyes roll around to the back of his head like that. Marcus has immunity from that first challenge on Day 1, so he's safe. Neither Ace nor Paloma is well-liked, but at least Ace is physically strong -- still important in these early days before the merge. The vote comes in with two for Ace (Kelly and Paloma) and all the rest for Paloma, so bye-bye, kitten! Go have some Tender Vittles and take a nice long nap!