The Amazing Race: "Do You Like American Candy?" - Episode 1302

Well, we're off to a fine start on the Race. Although my beloved beekeepers already got the boot, at least the token boobie girl Starr is still in it and choosing to wear skimpier outfits with every passing week. The blondes reinforced their stereotype more than I could've ever hoped for, and hey! We even got a shot of thinly-veiled racism this time around. What more could you ask for? More Amazing Race after the jump...

Terence really needs to accept the fact that even though he's got a new girlfriend in the form of cute NYC yuppie Sarah, that doesn't mean that she's only allowed to talk to him throughout the course of the race. I understand that this whole 'dating' thing might be new to you, Terence, but for chrissakes, dude - she's only trying to help. Would you prefer she wore a burka and spent her time on the Race tethered to you like a dog? Grow up.

First-place finishers Nick and Starr get to begin this second leg first, and whoosh! They're off to Brazil. If that tiny outfit wasn't enough to make me never want to look directly at her face, Starr has now employed the use of two sexy braids that hang down around her ample cleavage to further impede my comprehension of this show. Damn you, Starr! Could someone get this woman a burka? Bitchy married couple Ken & Tina (hereby dubbed Team Hatchetface because of Tina's uncanny resemblance to the John Waters character) are right behind them, but one of the best/worst moments of the night occurs when Momma's Boy Terence gets whacked in the head with the trunk of a cab by their driver. Terence all but throws himself on the ground and starts crying, and he even makes Sarah BLOW ON IT to make it feel all better. Awwwww! Does Snoogums want a wowwiepop, too? Dork. Sarah changes his diaper fast enough to keep them in line with their third-place departure time.

Team Hatchetface & Team Cleavage (Nick & Starr) arrive at the airport at nearly the same time, and the alliance of four quickly discover an earlier flight than the one posted. After a quick shuffling of airplanes, the airline moves the entire flight to a larger aircraft, convincing Tina that her incessant bitching at the flight agent was the reasoning behind it. Whatever you say, Hatchetface. In the end, not only are those two teams booked on the much earlier flight, but so are Terence & Sarah, and also the fourth team to arrive, my favorites Mark & Bill. Check this out, though - as more and more teams start arriving at the airport and reserving seats on the earlier flight, Hatchetface Tina starts taking credit for it, and even goes so far as to tell Aja & Ty that they now owe her. Tina, the only thing anyone owes you in life is a new face, and when I say 'anyone', of course I mean 'God'. Tina continues to be an asshole by insisting that she get on the plane first ahead of everyone else because she supposedly convinced the airline to upgrade to a larger plane for this flight. Drama ensues, and if there were ever a team that is going to get Yielded somewhere down the line, it's Team Hatchetface.

I love how the two dumb blondes started bribing people with candy to get them ahead in the Race, namely their flight agent at the airport. Ladies, they're adults with jobs, not legless children by the side of the road. Oh, how cute! They don't speak English! I wonder if they enjoy candy! Dumbasses.

Once arriving in Brazil, Anthony & Stephanie go from fourth place to dead last when their taxi stalls at the airport, and based on the bullshit that comes spewing out of their mouths shortly afterward, I can't say I'm too upset. As they drive along towards the first challenge of this leg of the race, they go on and on about disgusting and broken everything seems to be here in Brazil, and how thankful they are to have their apartment and nice furniture back home. What kind of opportunities could they possibly have here? asks Stephanie. Yes, because everyone in the world is a savage if they don't have wall-to-wall carpeting and central air conditioning in their overpriced condo right down the street from Wal-Mart, you stupid cow.

The first clue of the leg is right up the beach, and to get there, teams get to ride on these bad-ass yellow dune buggies right out on the sand. Awesome. A vendor waits at the end of this beach, and will hand them the clue. Marisa and Brooke (the Blondes) get a faceful of man ass when one of the locals decides to moon them as they speed by. Also awesome.

Detour time! As usual, there are two choices - Beach It, in which teams had to roll a 500-pound boat across the sand to an inlet using only a few logs and a whole lotta elbow grease, or Dock It, a mission requiring teams to find a shipping container in a huge shipyard with a coded serial number on it. Once there, they would find their clue inside of it. Mark & Bill are the only team who take the Dock It option, and because the first half of the challenge requires searching a computer database for the number of the container, the two guys are nerding out pretty damn hard the entire time. Bill even lets loose a kick-ass Yoda impression when they finish. 'Do... or do not. There is no try.' Truer words have never been spoken. Geek power!

On the other side of the coin, it's right around here that most of the teams start screwing up. Terence & Starr couldn't find the damn taxi parking lot despite all the red-and-yellow arrows pointing right to it, Team Trophy Wife (Kelly & Christy) somehow combined the details of the two halves of the Detour and started digging in the sand for a container after they'd pushed their boat into the inlet (LOL), Terence and Sarah lost a TON of their lead by wandering aimlessly about trying to find a taxi, and even Mark & Bill were having trouble finding their shipping container even though they were getting damn close. Eventually they found it, though, and their next clue takes them to a Road Block nearby.

At the Road Block, teams were required to find the name of their next destination by scanning all the advertising and graffiti that was written on a 600-foot wall. It's a fairly formidable task upon first glance, but once teams saw the long list of sixteen different location names at one end of the wall, it was fairly easy to figure out that by writing them all down and then rattling off the list to the clue holder at the opposite end of the wall, it broke down fairly quickly. Well, for some of the teams, anyway. Mark & Bill were the first to figure it out, and because true geeks are the nicest people on the face of the planet, Bill decides to share his strategy with Hatchetface Tina, who has rolled up with Ken soon after. Bill & Tina solve the wall riddle, jump in separate cabs with their team members, and then take part in a friendly race to the finish line to meet Phil. Not only that, but it comes down to a footrace to the end between the two teams. Mark gets the line of the night with 'I'm so glad we're in a footrace with the former NFL player.' When all is said and done, Team Hatchetface takes the win and is rewarded by Phil with a pair of off-road vehicles as their prize (lame - I'd much prefer a trip), and Mark & Bill claim second.

Back at the wall, Team Trophy Wife put the wall riddle together fairly quickly, but totally screw themselves by not asking their cab driver to wait for them. Team after team blow by them towards the Pit Stop as they're standing there scratching their asses and trying to flag down another cab. Meanwhile, Terence/Sarah, Aja/Ty, and Toni/Dallas streak towards Phil, and take third, fourth, and fifth place on this leg of the Race.

What's shaking with my girl Starr, you ask? Well, her brother Nick is pretty much screwing over everyone he can trying to solve the wall riddle, so Team Cleavage might be right up there with Team Hatchetface when it comes to who's getting Yielded this season. Stupid Nick! He keeps trying to suck answers out of people to solve the riddle by telling them he'll help them once he solves it, but does he? Hell no, he doesn't. Eventually he solves the riddle and just takes off. All the other teams finally get it through their puny skulls to just write down everything they can from the wall and then go through it all laundry-list style with the clue holder, so it's pretty much an all-out speed chase to the end to avoid being Philiminated. After BARELY squeaking through the last two sections of this leg of the race, Marisa and Brooke pick up the rear and take ninth place, leaving over-priviledged Ugly Americans Anthony & Stephanie with the boot. I'm happy they're gone, actually - at the wall riddle, a frustrated Anthony told a nagging Stephanie, 'Would you leave me alone? I'm up to my ears in Pig Latin here.' Nice.

For those of you who keep track of these things, here's the final finishing order for this leg of the race in its entirety -

1. Ken & Tina (Prize: Two ATVs)
2. Mark & Bill
3. Terence & Sarah
4. Aja & Ty
5. Toni & Dallas
6. Nick & Starr
7. Kelly & Christy
8. Andrew & Dan
9. Marisa & Brooke
10. Anthony & Stephanie (BOOTED)

Until next week!

-littlebigmouth.