Flag on the field! Illegal play!My friends, there is a pot roast cooking in my oven right now. A Desperate Housewives-inspired pot roast. This show makes me hungry. Especially now that Bree’s the new redheaded non-lesbian Martha Stewart. It’s getting difficult to resist the urge to imitate whatever yummy goodness she’s whipping up. Yep, Desperate Housewives brings out my apron-wearing domestic side. Goddamn, that pot roast smells freakin’ kickass! Ahem. Apron or not, domestic clearly does not always mean proper.
We open this ep with a gratuitously nude shot of Susan’s “hunky” boyfriend, Jackson. Meh. Frankly, he’s a little on the squishy, floppy haired side for my taste. Nevertheless, he has a nice smile, a romantic side… and a ridiculously short robe, which may or may not in fact belong to Susan. Currently, Jackson’s collecting the newspaper in front of Susan’s house. And just then… up walks Mike, who wants to know who this dude is and why he’s flashing the entire neighborhood (the shortie robe is open… oops). Awkward! Susan wakes up just in time to see the men talking on the front lawn, and she gets an expression like she’s been goosed by a Rototiller. She scampers outside, and Mike promptly insists that it’s his dadly duty to get to know the man who’s sleeping under the same roof as his son. Mike calmly tells Susan that if she doesn’t let him chat with Jackson, he’ll take her to court for custody of MJ. Next thing you know, Susan’s informing Jackson that he’ll be having a non-negotiable beer with Mike… ASAP.
Speaking of menfolk, Dave Williams, Edie’s new v.v. Aryan husband, is determined to be the best neighbor on Wisteria lane. Unfortunately, his wife often does not share his sentiment. Currently she’s fuming because Mrs. McCluskey insulted her fake boobs. Edie’s still the butt of Wisteria Lane’s collective joke book. Um, hey Edie? What do you expect when you’re 50 years old and trip-trapping around in stilettos and a high-cut bathing suit from Forever 21? Dave does his best to soothe crankypants Edie, who doesn’t understand why he wants to live here so badly. Dave replies that he’ll personally see to it that everyone will start treating Edie with respect. Even if her fake boobs are hanging out of her juniors-section crop top.
Meanwhile, over at Fat Gaby’s, there’s an invitation to a social gala in the mailbox, and I’m sure nothing could make her happier except a big slice of chocolate cake. Her parade is quickly rained upon, however, when she goes into the house… and comes face to face with some old man’s hairy junk. Turns out that Carlos is now a massage therapist, and he’s currently giving an elderly client a rubdown… in the living room. Gaby shrieks that the geezer needs to pull down his modesty towel, pronto. She insists that Carlos needs to get his ass out of the house and take a job massaging snobs at the country club. That way, she can start shopping again! Poor browbeaten Carlos agrees to take the job in order to shut Gaby up.
Meanwhile, Jackson’s getting ready for his date outing with Mike, with Susan’s help. She insists that Mike had better like Jackson – if not, their little fling will end faster than you can say “hung housepainter.” Over at Lynette’s, the unsettling family drama continues. One of terror twin Porter’s classmates was busted for drugs, and Lynette wants to know if her kid’s on dope, too. What better way to find out than to pose as a fellow youngster one of those newfangled internet friendship sites? Next thing you know, Lynette’s invented a screen name of “SarahJ,” complete with a flirty online sixteen-year-old persona. And she’s chatting about sappy love poetry with her own son. Oh no, you didn’t, Desperate Housewives. I know you didn’t just get into Oedipus territory with Lynette. But oh yes… they did. Lynette thinks her son’s angsty cheesetastic adolescent poetry is beautiful and heartwrenching. For his part, Tom thinks she needs to close that laptop and take a giant step back. My two cents? Possibly that step back should lead straight into a therapist’s office. Of course, Lynette does not heed this advice. Oh yeah. This’ll end well.
Bree has an advance copy of her cookbook, but hubby Orson’s less than pleased with the giant title slathered across the front: “Mrs. Van De Kamp’s.” Why isn’t she going by his last name of Hodge? In her uniquely blithe, practical, chilly-as-icicles way, Bree admonishes Orson that she formed her company when they were separated, and now she has a known brand: Mrs. Van de Kamp’s it shall remain. She promises she’ll cook him his favorite pot roast (mmmm, delicious tasty pot roast!) to make up for it. Right after she gets back from a radio interview, that is.
Dave heads over to Mrs. McCluskey’s, to ask her to apologize for insulting Edie’s chesticular plastic. Mrs. McCluskey, however, is not-so-pleased with his not-so-subtle insinuation that bad things will happen if she doesn’t say sorry. Dave seems to have his evil eye focused on Mrs. McCluskey’s cat, Toby, whom she inherited after Ida got squashed in that tornado last season. Mrs. McC clutches Toby protectively as Dave makes an exit. Leave it to Edie to marry a nutbag.
Jackson gets home from his date outing with Mike… and Susan’s thrilled to hear that the boys have a full-blown bromance going. They’re even going to hang out again! With Mike’s seal of approval, Susan’s free to hit the sheets with her boytoy. But when Jackson goes to nibble her ear, Susan bolts up off of the bed like she’s got spiders in her underpants. OMG, like, Mike totally told Jackson about her secret turn-on! Convinced her privacy’s been violated, Susan forbids Jackson to continue his bromance with her ex. The next morning, Gaby’s frumpin’ it up with some housework when Bree comes over to tell her that she’s been de-invited from Michelle Downing’s fancy party. Turns out that rich old biddy Michelle frequents the country club, and doesn’t want her partygoers socializing with the “help” – i.e. Carlos the masseur! Poor Gaby’s convinced this will put her on the slippery slope “From galas to keggers.” Hee!
Dude, I freakin’ knew it… Toby the cat has gone missing. That skeezy-ass Dave has got to be behind it. He walks calmly up to where Mrs. McC’s searching for kittykins under a bush, and she asks for his help looking. Dave’s all, “Sure would be nice if you’d apologize to Edie.” When Mrs. McC cautiously agrees to swallow her pride and say sorry, Dave cheerfully helps her up and starts hollering Toby’s name. Um, hey Dave? Two things:
1) Cats don’t generally respond to the ol’ “Here Boy.”
2) You are incredibly scary beyond all reason.
Bree’s talking about her catering empire on national radio. Oh, the irony of it all… as she tuts about the importance of old fashioned food and family dinner around the table, Orson is at home listening and resentfully munching Chinese takeout. To top it all off, when Bree’s asked if there’s a Mr. Van de Kamp, she replies that he’s deceased. She doesn’t bother to mention her current husband at all. You can practically see the smoke coming out of Orson’s ears. Later, Bree gets home at midnight with a busload of groceries, all for Michelle’s party that she’s catering the next night. She brushes Orson off, even though he’s extremely (and justifiably, IMHO) pissed off. He went to jail because it was the only way she’d take him back, and it’s like they’re still separated. Bree begs him not to be hurt, and promises that when she’s done with the party she’s catering, she’ll come home and cook him that delicious pot roast (delicious indeed!).
Lynette just can’t help herself – she’s still talking with Porter online. Okay. This storyline really needs to be over ASAP, because it’s totally squicking my shit out. Tom isn’t pleased either… because the way Porter’s sending Lynette poetry, he may just be in love with her. Lynette’s sure she can fix this sitch by letting him down easy in an email. Tom’s suggestion: “I really like you, but I want to see other offspring.” Snerk! Meanwhile, despite her de-vite, Gaby has decided she and Carlos are going to crash the snobtacular party. So she gets dolled up (although apparently Gaby’s weight gain has affected her ability to choose a flattering dress, and also to make her hair not look like an old mop plopped on top of her head). She and Carlos sneak in through the Service entrance, although Gaby lies and tells her blind honey that they’re going in the front door. When confronted by Bree, Gaby promises that they’re just making a quick appearance, and will cut out before Michelle sees them. Sure you will, Gaby. Sure you will.
Susan gets an answering machine message from Jackson, claiming that he can’t hang out because his sister’s in town. But because Susan can be dumber than a box of rocks, she’s sure that he’s off cheating on her with Mike, instead. She goes stomping off to Mike’s favorite bar and confronts him, but Jackson is not there – he was telling the truth. However, there’s still the matter of Mike blabbing about that ear thing. Mike apologizes, and promises to behave if Susan will let him hang out with Jackson. Susan, however, isn’t comfortable with, that, because she doesn’t want Jackson to see her through Mike’s eyes. She’s ashamed of the way she acted when they broke up. Mike says that it was a bad time, but it’s in the past. Aw… how sweet. My money’s on Susan and Mike getting back together before the season’s out. Jackson, methinks your days are numbered. For the moment, he’s still around. Susan gets home and finds him in her kitchen. And guess who else is there? Susan’s other ex, Karl, the one who is such a ‘tard that every time I see him my IQ goes down several points. He’s there to sign some paperwork for Julie, and manages to get in a few snide comments before exiting. Ugh. I had hoped that five years would be enough to get rid of that creep. Guess not.
It’s several hours into the schmancy party, and Gaby is still schmoozing with various diamond-encrusted socialites. Bree yoinks her into the kitchen, all, “WTF??” As they argue about Gaby’s party-crashing, poor hapless Carlos, who doesn’t know he was un-vited, is accosted by the Party Police, who realize he’s not on the list. Next thing you know, Michelle Downing has him “escorted” out of the party. Carlos does not go quietly, hollering for his chagrined wife, who meets him outside. Carlos is furious – he works with the people who just threw him out on his ass, and has to show his face at the country club the next day. As usual, Gaby does not care one tiny bit about Carlos, because she has lost her money, her figure, and her social standing. However, Carlos says they haven’t lost anything except the ability to hobnob with jerks. He was miserable when he was rich. He and Gaby haven’t lost anything important – they have a home, each other, and two beautiful (um, Carlos… you can’t see them, so I wouldn’t be callin’ ‘em beautiful) little girls. He’s never been happier. The only thing that would make it all better would be for Gaby to realize how great things are.
Lynette’s composed a fabulous Dear John letter to Porter. Except… whoopsie! She signed it “Love, Mom!” Lynette cringes as Porter gives her the Stink Eye Death Stare ‘o Doom, but doesn’t say a word. Lynette apologizes – what she did was unforgivable. But she and Porter used to talk all the time, and then something changed, and now they barely speak. It hurts – and when she was SarahJ, she felt like she had him back. “For what it’s worth,” Lynette says, “I loved our conversations, and I’m going to miss them.” She doesn’t hear Porter mutter, “Me too.” Yeah, that was supposed to be sweet, but I’m still feeling icky from the incestuous overtones of this storyline. I think I need to go take a shower before I eat my pot roast.
Speaking of pot roast, Bree owes one to Orson. He’s sitting at the dining room table with an empty place setting in front of him when she gets home at midnight. Bree’s exhausted, and tries to brush off Orson’s request, saying she’ll make it tomorrow. “No. I want it now,” Orson says in a flat, cold voice. “You promised.” Taken aback, Bree tells him she’s been cooking all day, and she’s exhausted. “You promised,” Orson repeats. Dude… he’s really angry, and I don’t blame him. Frankly, every one of the Housewives has behaved like a total beeyotch in this episode. Sometimes I really don’t know why their menfolk put up with them. But because she’s my favorite, I still sorta feel sorry for Bree as she walks slowly into the kitchen and starts chopping carrots with tears pouring down her face.
Mrs. McCluskey still can’t find her cat, but because she’s not a complete idiot, she’s cottoned onto the fact that there’s a connection between Toby’s disappearance and her crack about Edie’s boobs. So she knocks on Edie’s door and eats crow apologizes, asking that Edie tell Dave about the apology. And guess what? When Mrs. McC gets home, there’s her cat, sitting unharmed on the couch. The window is suspiciously open. Mary Alice tells us that everyone appreciates a good neighbor. But how can you be sure that the man next door is as nice as he pretends to be? Mrs. McCluskey brings flowers to Kathryn, an offering in exchange for the chance to use her computer. It’s time to do a lil’ bit of research about this “Dave” character.
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