Family Guy - "I Dream of Jesus" (Episode 702)

The Griffins head to a fifties-themed diner for a meal. Lois tells the kids that there's a lot of history there, as the fifties diners were "really popular in the eighties." Peter says they don't serve any of that 1950s food anymore - like hamburgers, french fries and Cokes. Lois loved that all of the servers looked like celebrities from the 50s, pointing out Marilyn Monroe, Elvis and James Dean (after the accident.) Cleveland showed up, only to be immediately forced out the doors by fire hose-toting policemen and growling dogs (to which Cleveland says "Oh, that takes me back.")

The song "Surfin' Bird" comes on the jukebox and Peter flips out - it's his favorite song of all time - and starts dancing and singing along, improvising a tad with the lyrics ("Man behind the counter, the bird is the word. Frightened little kid, the bird is the word. Lady on the toilet, the birds is the word.") Stewie is even loving it ("Again, again! I love repetition!") Sadly, a diner employee removes the record from the jukebox because it's from the 60s, not the 50s. Peter asks if he can have the record and offers the employee sex with his daughter in exchange (and points out an attractive woman sitting at the counter instead of Meg.) The employee replies, "Yeah, I'll do her, but can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop?" It's a deal. Peter has a record player set up next to his bed and plays the 45 continuously, much to Lois' dismay. She tells him to go to sleep and he can't stop singing that song.

Peter is finding any excuse he can to break into song. He asks Brian to see the newspaper and notes the lack of stories about the "mass awareness of a certain avian variety." Brian takes the bait, and Peter breaks into yet another chorus of "Surfin' Bird." (Anyone who watched this will have this damn song stuck in their head for days.) I usually don't like the repetition on this show, but I must admit that Peter's singing and dancing is kinda amusing. Poor Stewie doesn't - he puts a gun in his mouth. Later on, Lois returned from the bank and asked Peter why $6,000 had been taken out of their bank account. Peter told her he bought some TV airtime and made a PSA dealing with a topic of great importance. ("In a recent Gallup poll, one in 12 Americans did not know that the bird is the word." Cue "Surfin' Bird" for the umpteenth time.) Mayor Adam West was shocked and had his team look into it. The white lab coat-wearing team concluded that the bird was "greater than or equal to the word." The record contiunes to play in the Griffin home and Stewie tells Brian that he doesn't feel so good, just as his nose starts to bleed. Brian says they need to destroy the record, just like the gastric bypass surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms. (Which became uber-scary bat wings when she hailed a cab.) Stewie lowered Brian from the ceiling of Peter's bedroom, "Mission Impossible" style, and he was able to slip the record out of Peter's grasp. The next morning, Peter was devistated that his record was missing. He says he's going to go downtown and get a new copy. Lois said he didn't need to do that, as the record was sure to turn up. Brian said not to count on that and then, in the best parody "Family Guy" has done in quite a while, we cut to Brian and Stewie destroying the record in a scene paying tribute to the printer-destroying scene in "Office Space" - complete with the same music. I laughed my butt off.

Peter went to "Dead Format Records" in search of his coveted song. The man working behind the counter told Peter that a baby and a dog bought all 63 copies. Peter was dismayed, as this was the third record store he visited and heard the same thing. Peter says the long haired, bearded man looks familiar and asked if they went to high school together or had any mutual friends. Peter finally realizes that the man is Jesus, but the man denies it. Peter tests him by threatening to pee on a rack of Amy Grant CDs. The record employee shouts "No!" and Peter knows he's standing in front of Jesus, who finally 'fesses up. Peter exclaims that He's come back to spread the word and, when Jesus asks, "What word?", you only get one guess as to what Peter did.

Peter still can't believe that Jesus is back and that he's witness to the second coming. Jesus said it wasn't really the second coming and that he actually "pops in" every hundred years or so "just to get away from the family" and this time the "timing seemed good because my Dad quit smoking and he's a bit on edge." Peter's actually the first person who's recognized him in 2,000 years. Peter told Jesus he thought he was a nice guy and invited him to dinner - and later they could watch the YouTube video of "Marlee Matlin calling Moviephone" (it's just too mean. Suffice it to say she shouldn't have tried to find times for "The Last Mimzy.")

Lois couldn't get over the fact that Jesus was sitting at her dinner table. Jesus said that someone at the table was going to betray him..."naaah, just kidding." Meg asked Jesus to recount the story of the crucifixion and resurrection and Peter said he could top that. It involved he and his buddies loading up Southern Comfort and not puking during a screening of "Chronicles of Riddick" - and Peter losing his glasses. Brian asked Jesus to perform a miracle and he made sundaes magiaclly appear. Peter asked Jesus for a favor and he obliged - and Lois' boobs got huge (which made Brian's jaw drop on the table.) Peter asked Jesus if he would meet one special person - President Bush. Jesus told Peter it was great being himself around people again and Peter told him he should reveal himself (he actually told him he needed to "color eggs and hide them for kids.") Peter says the world needs him right now and when Jesus asked how he could go about doing this, Peter brought him into the middle of town - where they're both ignored. Peter says Jesus needed to perform a miracle and went toward the supermarket to get some water for Jesus to turn into wine and, in the process, the money he took out of his wallet blew out of his hand and landed in a fountain. Jesus volunteered to get it and walked on the water in the fountain, proving to the townsfolk that he was the Messiah.

Jesus ended up getting a guest spot on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and brought the Griffins along with him. Jesus thanked Peter for giving him confidence. Jesus shared the spotlight with Dave "Full House" Coulier. Jesus told Jay that since he was back on earth that he was "playing lots of Call of Duty 4 and drinking lots of Pinkberry." He indulged in a little of the LA nightlife - he raised River Phoenix from the dead, only to have him OD in front of the Viper Room again. Peter was impressed that Jesus made Jay laugh and said he was going to be "huge." And he certainly made the headlines ("He Has Risen - to the top!") and was voted "Messiah of the Year" by TIME Magazine. The New York Post even declared "Jesus More Popular Than Jesus." Jesus even made an appearance on the MTV Movie Awards with Dane Cook (the "Family Guy" incarnation of whom was funnier that the real-life version). Jesus made a joke about the Pussycat Dolls, his co-presenters, by saying that the last time he was on earth, he only hung around with "one whore." After the awards ceremony, Jesus invited a bunch of folks back to his "crib", but there wasn't room for Peter. Back at home, Peter was waiting for Jesus to call him back - but he's sending him straight to voicemail. He takes Lois' phone and Jesus answers. He says he's at a doctor's appointment, but a drunken Lindsay Lohan gives his true location away. Lois says that fame and success "do crazy things to people" and that deep down inside, he's still the same Jesus. Peter says none of this would have happened if someone hadn't stolen his "Surfin' Bird" record. Later, Peter is watching the news and finds out that Jesus was found unconscious in Mary Kate Olson's apartment. Jesus calls Peter hoping to bail him out and he does (after some slight intimidation.) Jesus apolpgizes to Peter and says he's a human as everytione else. He goes on to say that the world's not ready for him - just like he's not ready for the world. Jesus tells Peter that before he leaves, he wants to give Peter a gift - a gift that makes him smile. It's a new copy of "Surfin' Bird." Any advice for getting this song out of my head is greatly appreciated!