Survivor: It Was Like Christmas Morning (Episode 1704)

Now I know for sure I couldn't be a Survivor - I barely survived six hours on my feet at the Obama rally yesterday! I thought I planned my "limited personal items" carefully enough; we had a couple bottles of water, a vinyl tablecloth to put on the wet grass, and some granola bars, but by the time we got back to our car, my feet were killing me, the sun had burned my neck an alarming shade of fuchsia, and if someone had offered me a half-cooked bat I'd have eaten it, fur and all. But I'd do it again in a heartbeat, and that's probably what the Survivors say, too. Once-in-a-lifetime opportunities don't come along very often - carpe diem!

Kota didn't enjoy the Tribal Council experience at all, we learn on Night 9. Ace compares it to getting his wisdom teeth pulled. He's also irritated that Kelly voted for him again, and says she's next to go: "A lamb to the slaughter." Watch yourself, Ace. Last season, they ditched a skinny, long-haired brunette first, too, but Big Man Joel followed soon after.

The next day at Fang, they're still arguing over how much to eat. As Crystal, Ken and GC hang out around camp, Randy tells them he thinks they should only be eating one meal a day. I don't like Randy's tone -- he's way too condescending for me, and it dilutes his message. If it's Day 10 and they have less than half their rice left, then, yeah, they should probably start rationing that a little. Or, hey, I know, go grub for grub! Get off your behinds and find some stuff to supplement that all-rice diet. And I have to point out that eating all that rice hasn't exactly lead to stellar challenge performances -- maybe they'd be better off going a litte hungry, see if it inspires them to work a little harder. Matty, Susie, Dan and Randy go off and make themselves a rock-solid alliance, leaving Crystal, GC and GC's "mini-me," Ken, as an alienated threesome.

What looks like a Reward Challenge turns out to be something much, much worse. It's the worst of schoolyard play, and they don't even get a Reward! WTF?!?! What do they do? Each tribe member ranks the members of his or her own tribe from top to bottom. The congregate rankings are then displayed by standing on a graduated scale from small to tall, with #1 at the top. How'd they rank?

Fang, from top to bottom: Matty, Dan, Randy, Crystal, Ken, GC, Susie
Kota, from top to bottom: Marcus, Ace, Bob, Charlie, Jacquie, Corinne, Sugar, Kelly.

Kelly tells Jeff, peeved, "I've never been the last picked. Ever." Well, aren't you the lucky little girl? Over on the Fang scale, Miss Olympic Gold Medalist is p.o.'d to be ranked fourth. "I was insulted when I saw that," she says. Oh, and even standing on a lower post, Crystal's taller than Randy. Hee!

The real news of this particular task isn't really who's top dog on each tribe, though. The real news is they're switching up tribes! Already! Aaaaaaaah! I can barely remember who's who as it is, y'all! As the #1 rankers, Marcus and Matty get to choose the first person, someone from the opposing tribe. Then that person chooses the next new member, again from the opposing tribe. The new breakdown ends up looking like this:

Fang: Matty, Ace, Crystal, Jacquie, Ken, Kelly, and GC. Ken's choice of Kelly over Bob had me really scratching my head until I heard him say, "She's hot!" You're shitting me, right, Ken? You didn't really come on Survivor in hopes of hooking up, did you? Because I'm kinda thinking that not even for a million dollars would Kelly let you sniff in her direction. The good news is that means Bob is on the good tribe Kota:

Kota: Marcus, Dan, Charlie, Randy, Corinne, Susie, and Bob. Charlie's tickled even pinker than usual to be back with his BFF Marcus. Bob's happy to be with Kota, and Kota's happy to be with Bob. If you're keeping track of the wandering alliances, three of the four members of the Onion Alliance -- Marcus, Charlie & Corinne -- are still on Kota, along with Bob. At Fang, the GC/Crystal/Ken Alienator Alliance is still extant, with Matty kind of on the outskirts as his oh-so-solid alliance dissolves like sugar in sweet tea.

Speaking of Sugar…as the only person not chosen at all by a tribe, she's headed to Exile Island, where she'll remain until after the next Tribal Council, when she'll join the tribe that loses a member, evening the tribes up at seven apiece. Since she's already got the Hidden Immunity Idol, she chooses "Comfort" over "Clue" (though couldn't she have searched out a second Idol if she wanted?) and ends up spending a relaxing couple of days swimming, eating fruit, and napping in a hammock under a shelter. I'd say Sugar's doing just fine.

The new Fang tribe settles in on Day 10, with Ace offering to show Crystal where to find plants to flavor the rice while Jacquie and Kelly air some of Kota's dirty laundry. I really have no idea where the rift came from, except that it sounds like Jacquie found the Onions while Kelly found Paloma and no one else to join her little twosome. Not really Jacquie's fault, you know? Kelly seems kind of whiny to me. The Alienators love her, of course, because she's totally ready to, like, flip on her old mean tribemates. Ken openly drools over her, and when she tells them that Ace sleeps with both Sugar and Jacquie, you can practically see him thinking, "Oooh! Maybe Kelly will sleep with me!" Boys. Sheesh.

Day 11 must have been really boring, because next thing we know it's Day 12. Tree mail brings a lacrosse stick and ball, with an admonition to practice before the next challenge. Marcus notes how hard Susie's trying, and that she helps a lot around camp, but says it'll really come down to how Susie and Randy perform in the challenge who they'll vote off next.

The Immunity Challenge brings us back down to the lake for a rousing round of slow-motion water lacrosse. I'm sure when the challenge writers came up with this, they imagined something more exciting…although given the post-standing challenges of the past, maybe not. The tribe members each have a raft and paddle, and when Jeff throws a ball into the lake, they have to try to retrieve the ball, then pass it from paddle to paddle to reach the opponents' goal. The first tribe to score three points wins Immunity! The rafts are ridiculous; it's like the tribes are swimming in syrup. Some people -- Ken and Kelly, I'm looking at you -- don't even try. Crystal tries, but says, "I can't control the boat!" Ace serves as goalie for the first round for Fang, but Marcus gets the ball for Kota, tosses it to Randy, and Randy scores easily. Point one for Kota! Second verse, same as the first, except this time Ace comes out to try to help, leaving the Fang goal completely empty, and once again, Marcus passes to Randy for the score. Man, Fang sucks. On the last round, Matty, bless his heart, does his best to block when Marcus once again gets the ball and passes it to Randy, but on the third attempt, Randy gets the ball in the net and Kota wins! Well! I'd say Randy just bought himself an extra few days! That was an impressive display of Marcus' broad shoulders for Kota. Jeff sneers to Fang, "That was one of the worst performances I've seen at a challenge." Oh, please. Like you could do better, Jeff. Kota celebrates while Fang goes to stand in a corner and think about what it just did.

A yawning gorilla emphatically states his opinion on the challenge. Later that day, Ace interviews, "It was like we were legless chickens racing against sleek weasels." Ace, you keep giving me pithy sound-bites like that, and I'll vote to keep you around! GC tells Kenny straight up, "You sucked out there." Um, I didn't see you winning any points, GC. The suckage pretty much got spread around. It's noted that Jacquie did well, but who cares about strength? Or drive? Or willingness to try? Why give a shit about any of that? It's not like you have to win extremely physical games where perseverance might be…oh, never mind.

There's a kind of scary moment when it looks like GC might get the other Alienators to agree to vote out the newest member of their alliance (*facepalm*), but they change their minds because they're worried that Sugar might indeed have tripped over the Hidden Immunity Idol, and then she, Ace, and Jacquie would have this really powerful…threesome. Just like you guys have…oh, whatever; I'm tired of trying to make sense out of these people. MORE KOTA! LESS FANG! Unless it's Matty, because Matty's doing that thing that some people do, where the longer they're out there, the exponentially hotter they get. Like, I could take or leave Matty three weeks ago, but now I'm all, "Mmmmm, give me some of those sweet cheeks." Poor Matty, stuck on Fang, when even Marcus knows he ought to be a Kota. Anyway, GC says, "The last thing I want is for Ace, Jacquie and Sugar to become the power of this tribe." Voting out Ace doesn't seem to be on the table.

Matty takes Jacquie aside and tells her what's going on -- see, Matty thinks Jacquie's better for the tribe than Kelly. I knew he was smart. Jacquie then pleads her case first with Ken, who tells her, yeah, he could vote for Kelly, but it won't do any good, and then with Crystal, who seems to be swayed by just how badly Jacquie wants to stay, as opposed to Kelly, who doesn't seem to want to do anything except bitch about being left out. Either way, it looks like a blonde is going, which is fine with me, since even know I'm having trouble telling them apart at a distance of more than two feet.

Tribal Council is its usual fun and games, with Jeff making drooping gestures to describe Fang's performance in challenges. Matty confirms that he'd like to keep the tribe as strong as possible, while Kelly makes a new enemy by saying that Crystal was weaker in the challenge than she was. Have you NO sense of self-preservation? Crystal could squash you like a bug, Kelly. You'd better hope they vote you out! Jeff flat-out says that Matty, Ace, and Jacquie were the only people working in that challenge, but it's not enough to save Jacquie. Losers unite! Whine one, whine all! Pffffft. Though it's tied 2-2, Jacquie gets the four votes she needs to be voted out, and Fang loses a strong challenge competitor. So the last blonde standing is…Kelly. Well, that is until Sugar comes back from Exile Island to join her new tribe and hooks back with her Sugar Daddy, Ace.