Well, crap. What was by far the most entertaining episode of The Amazing Race this season turned out to be my least favorite, and anyone who's been reading these recaps can probably deduce why. It wasn't all bad, though. Not at all. We had some ridiculous grudges being established for practically no reason whatsoever, some bimbo falling off a bike and nearly killing a local in the process, and some classic weird pronunciation problems from Phil. Snuhkel? What's a snuhkel, Phil? Oh, snorkel! Gotcha. I love Phil and his wildly errant tongue. Anyway, more Amazing Race after the jump...
So right from the jump, Team Trophy Wife Kelly & Christy bring the stupid by insisting that boobie girl Starr threw one of their sports bras over a ledge back at the hotel on the Pit Stop. Um, okay. Well, my main question of 'Why in the hell would she do that?' is never really answered by Kelly & Christy, but if you ask me, it probably has something to do with some mutually hated girl that vaguely resembles Starr that they both went to high school with. Remember how Keesha hated all the prettier girls in the Big Brother house this summer? Yeah, it's kinda like that. Why do women have to hate each other so much?
Anyway, the Race is on, and first-place finishers Ken & Tina start us off. Teams are off to La Paz, Bolivia, a beautiful city on a hill that is nearly 13,000 feet above sea level. Wow. That's high. Teams will have to deal with the thinner air here in La Paz, and above all, try not to die. Once they arrive, they'll taxi their way to a huge statue of Simon Bolivar in the middle of the city and camp there until the morning newspapers arrive. One by one, the teams show up at the statue, and some local ladies are kind enough to hand out blankets and pillows. I'm sure these ladies were hired by CBS and all, but hey - a pillow's a pillow, especially if you have to sleep on the street all night.
Speaking of nice, tiny Broadway gay Nick of Team Boobies gave it his all to fix things up with the Trophy Wives, but no go. Those two bitches decide it's better to act nasty for the cameras than to try and forge a legitimate relationship with another human being, so all Nick gets for his efforts is Kelly telling him "We don't really care if people like us." Good thing, bitch, because I certainly don't. No wonder you're divorced.
When the morning newspapers arrive, the teams swarm on the poor delivery guy to get a copy. Their first clue is located somewhere inside, and the hunt is on. Team Douche (Andrew & Dan) are the first to spot it - it's an ad in the classified section instructing teams to make their way to a local hat shop and buy a traditional Cholita hat. A taxi to the shop might've seemed the quickest route, but given the hellish traffic here in La Paz, Team Douche find out the hard way that it clearly isn't. Cute yuppie Sarah and her whiny little bitch of a boyfriend Terence get smart and make their way to the shop on foot, and wind up arriving at the exact same time as Team Douche. Heh. Both teams buy a hat (they look like top hats for the Lollipop Guild, in case you were wondering), and right along with their receipts comes their next clue, the first Detour on this leg of the Race.
The Detour is as such - Musical March, or Bumpy Ride. In Musical March, teams would make their way across the city on foot, gathering hired band members on their journey and eventually trading them in for a clue on the opposite end of town. In Bumpy Ride, teams would ride these unbelievably ramshackle homemade bicycles across town in exchange for their clue. See, while the Musical March option would be a lot of fun (who wouldn't walk through the middle of a city with their own marching band? It would be akin to having your own theme music like in the movie 'I'm Gonna Git You, Sucka!'), Bumpy Ride was definitely the option to take here. Team Douche and Team Blondie (Marisa and Brooke) decided to go the route of the marching band, and while the blondes at least tried to have fun with the slow-moving pace of their new musical accompaniment, all Team Douche could do was bitch about it. Why all the complaining from the teams this season? You're on a free trip around the world, for chrissakes. Live it up!
But wait! What's this fine print on the clue? Teams MUST make their way to their chosen Detour option on FOOT. No taxicabs allowed! Terence and Sarah nearly get themselves snagged in this little detail, but they quickly realize their error and make their way back to the starting point after already making their way halfway across town in a cab. Not so lucky are my Race favorites Mark and Bill, who don't notice the on-foot stipulation written into their clue at all. You know that's going to get them a time penalty at the end of the leg by the Philiminator. Dammit! Look at the clue, ya damn nerds! LOOK AT THE CLUE!
There is yet another detail in this leg of the Race, too - at the end of the Detour, teams will be faced with the option to U-Turn their opponents; that is, force them to go back and complete the other unchosen portion of the Roadblock after they've finished the first one. Heavy. For now, though, let's check on the progress of all these idiots riding their Stone Age bicycles through town. Christy of Team Trophy Wife gets a great big helping of karma when she wipes out on her bike, sliding off the street and into the side of a building, nearly knocking over a passerby on the sidewalk. Her hand is bleeding, she's practically crying, and all I can do is laugh. Ha-ha! It's just like cheerleader tryouts back in high school, isn't it, bitch? HA-HA!
Meanwhile, band-leading Marisa and Brooke find a way to make their musical accompaniment walk a bit faster on their march across town - by having fun with it! YAY! Marisa and Brooke clap and dance along with their marching band, and in effect, the drummers and horn players following them pick up the pace with every step. See, I thought it would've been funny if the music itself increased in speed, as well, but no such luck. How hilarious would it be to run through a small Brazilian town at top speed with a manically-playing marching band hot on your heels? LOL. That would be some high-grade Bugs Bunny shit right there.
Christy's wipeout on the Fred Flintstone bike cost the Trophy Wives their lead over Nick and Starr, and en route to the next clue box with Ty & Aja, Starr tries to convince them to U-Turn Kelly & Christy. Ty & Aja might be boring, but they're not stupid. Starr, if you want those bitches U-Turned, do it yourself! Own your evil, girl! You're a cheerleader, for chrissakes. You should know all about being nasty to people for no apparent reason.
Doomed geeks Mark & Bill make their way across town on the Flintstone bikes quickly, and from there, they hop in a cab and head for a nearby wrestling ring. Their driver has to stop for gas along the way, though, so Ken & Tina take the lead and arrive at the ring before them. The wrestling ring is the second Road Block of this leg of the Race, and in it, teams will have to WRESTLE a WOMAN. Awesome. There's no way this isn't going to kick ass. A member of each team will have to memorize six wrestling moves and then perform them with their wrestling partner in the ring. If they manage to pull off all six moves (wait - you mean wrestling isn't real?), they get their clue and move on. If not, they have to re-enter their training session and begin again.
First arrival Ken is a little hesitant to fight a woman (just pretend it's Tina, dude), but soon, he's whipping chick's asses like he'd been doing it all his life. He gets his clue, and Team Hatchetface is off to the Pit Stop. The other Racers who slowly start arriving aren't so lucky - Mark's having a problem wrestling in such thin air, and Marisa is far too blonde to be memorizing things. Mother & son Toni and Dallas make quick work of the challenge, and soon they're off to meet Phil, too. I'm robbed of the chance to see Starr wearing a tight wrestling outfit, dammit, but in the end, Nick makes quick work of his cholita wrestler and scores a clue for his team.
Here's Phil and some hot Brazilian chick in a HUGE hat at the Pit Stop, and once again, Team Hatchetface picks up a first place finish. Um, hurray? They win a Travelocity trip to Cabo San Lucas, and while they're there, they'll be doing some snuhkeling. Wait, some what? Oh, snorkeling! Got it. Thanks, Phil. The ever-nondescript Toni & Dallas finish second, and Terence & Sarah in third.
Mark's in trouble. Serious trouble. He's already flubbed his six wrestling moves twice, and he's also nearly collapsed entirely back in the training room. He finally gets through the match with his cholita, and en route to the Pit Stop, he and Bill finally take the time to READ THEIR DAMN CLUE and realize that they might be completely screwed. They arrive at the mat in eighth place, and sure enough, Phil tells them that they needed to stay on foot back at the Detour. Mark and Bill receive a 30-minute penalty, and with how close this leg was, they're doomed. Sure enough, here come Kelly & Christy in last place. They're stunned to find out about Mark & Bill's time penalty, and they actually show an emotion besides jealousy and spite when the two geeks get Philiminated right there in front of them. Hugs all around. The good feelings don't last too long, though, because Aja tells Christy about Starr wanting them to U-Turn the Trophy Wives if they got the chance. You can practically see the fur flying already as Christy plots her revenge. Meow!
DAMMIT. I never pick the right team to win on this damn show. The only time I was successful at it was with the two hippie guys from San Francisco a few seasons back, but besides that, forget it. My favorites are usually out within the first three rounds or so, and with Mark & Bill, it looks like I've done it again. The previews for next week aren't helping my case, either - what's this about Starr possibly breaking her arm?! Noooo! Her cast will block my view of her cleavage!
Do you guys watch Elimination Station on CBS.com? They post video of all the eliminated teams after the Race, and for some reason, CBS holes them all up in an unbelievably gorgeous villa somewhere in South America. This week, be sure and check out Mark & Bill's arrival at the villa, and their subsequent outing to a wrestling match with the two other eliminated teams. Haven't had enough of Anthony & Stephanie's appalling amount of closed-minded xenophobia? Never fear, just click here!
Alright, enough of my yammering. Here's the techs and specs for all the nerds -
Performed Road Block: MARK, SARAH, NICK, KEN, DALLAS, DAN, TY, KELLY, MARISA
Musical March Detour: MARISA/BROOKE, ANDREW/DAN
Bumpy Ride Detour: MARK/BILL, TERENCE/SARAH, KELLY/CHRISTY, TONI/DALLAS, NICK/STARR, KEN/TINA, TY/AJA
U-Turn: Not used
Order of Finish:
1. Ken & Tina (Trip to Cabo San Lucas)
2. Toni & Dallas
3. Terence & Sarah
4. Marisa & Brooke
5. Aja & Ty
6. Nick & Starr
7. Andrew & Dan
8. Kelly & Christy
9. Mark & Bill (Booted)
Until next week!
-littlebigmouth.
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SO bad!
i usually love reading the recaps but this one is so bad its not even funny. the normal sass is replaced by outright dumbassery and you can't even get the destinations right. they were in bolivia, making the hot woman bolivian not brazilian. you did that mistake about 10 times. and please, starr is just as much as a bitch as the divorcees, so cut them some slack, stop drooling over starr's boobies and nicks gayness for 2 seconds enough to know that both teams are conniving tramps, and nick's apology was anything but real. heres hoping to next week you're some kind of intelligent because this week was nothing but crap.
-Ry