It's MINE, you giant hippo of a little girl!Cute lil’ Benjamin Katz is six years old, and there’s a lot he doesn’t understand. Mostly related to the fact that his mother, Danielle Van de Kamp, snatched him away from his grandmother Bree when he was still very small. See, Danielle (understandably, IMO) wanted her kid back, after having initially told Bree she could raise him. At the moment, he, his mother, and stepfather are on their way to visit Bree and Orson for the first time since the baby boondoggle. Orson reminds Bree through gritted teeth to be calm, not critical – it took them years to convince Danielle to visit. Got that, Bree? Calm, not critical. Riiiiight. The Hodges meet Leo, Danielle’s husband, and squee squishily all over Benji… who calls his hippie-clothed mother by her first name. This immediately sets Bree’s sense of etiquette (and possibly her eyelid) a-twitchin,’ and is only made worse when Danielle declares that Bree will be called “Granny.” Hoo boy. Even lil’ Benji realizes that it’s going to be a seriously looong weekend.
As every kid with nerdish leanings knows far too well, the worst part of the playground is the local bully; that sadistic mini-Saddam who revels in intimidation and violence. Susan’s elfish little boy, MJ, is learning the timeless traditions of Indian burns and titty twisters firsthand. Hey Susan? You named your kid Maynard. I have to say… you’re kinda reaping what you sowed on this one. MJ comes home with a scratched face and torn shirt, and refuses to tell Susan who’s been using him as a punching bag. Meanwhile, Gaby’s being forced to get rid of her last swanky stronghold in a sea of middle-class tedium… her purple convertible. She and Carlos are selling it to pay the mortgage. The bored rich couple who’ve come to see it are clearly unimpressed by the car, which they are, in fact, purchasing for their hired help. Hee! Once the car sells, they have to replace it, so they go check out a beat-up clunker of a junktacular station wagon that Andrew Van de Kamp has for sale. He freely admits that the car is crap on wheels, but refuses to lower the price. The tactics that the rich couple busted out to negotiate for the convertible only backfire when Gaby tries to use them a bemused Andrew, who’s clearly learned a thing or two about business from running his mom’s domestic empire. He won’t budge an inch, and a P.O.ed Gaby ends up forking over the full asking price.
The World’s Most Friendly Neighbor with a Nasty Ulterior Motive, a.k.a Dave Williams, rides a kinda-girly bike around Wisteria Lane. He finds Tom’s stuck cleaning out the garage while Lynette stands over him cracking a whip. Lynette scathingly tells Tom to throw out all of the “junk” he’s never going to use, such as mountain climbing equipment and the “Abtastic!” home gym. Snerk! I’m pretty sure we all have an Abtastic! lying around somewhere. Among the throwaway pile: Tom’s bass guitar. Dave announces that he plays the drums… they should, like, totally hang out and jam! Tom’s thrilled about their garage band – they could get gigs! Lynette is about as impressed as Sarah Palin in a museum of evolution (dude, these Palin analogies are just too easy). She snaps that Tom doesn’t have time for a band. Finally (about damned time!) Tom gets angry and tells Lynette where to shove it. Dude, we’re only three episodes in and already I can’t figure out why the hell anyone would want to be married to Lynette. The woman has zero empathy. First she makes Tom throw away all of his stuff, then she farts all over something he is clearly excited about. What a total ho.
At Mrs. McClusky’s behest, Kathryn’s tried to search the internet to find out more about Dave Williams. But it’s a common name, and she needs more specific info, like where Dave went to school. To be honest, Kathryn’s not too into researching Dave’s dark side, because she kinda thinks he’s dreamy he fixed her sprinkler system. Mrs. McC insists that he’s bad news, so they come up with a plot to learn more about him. Next thing you know, they’ve invited Edie out for a friendly brain picking session lunch. About as subtle as old garbage on a hot day, Mrs. McC immediately asks where Dave was born, and where he went to college. Edie thinks the questions are odd. But what’s even odder… she doesn’t know their answers. Meanwhile, back at Bree’s, Danielle declares that her family is vegetarian. Bree turns approximately the color of a fire hydrant, and declares that Danielle’s “nutty liberal views” are messing with Benji’s health. Guess what else? Danielle is homeschooling the kid. She boasts that he’s reading at a third-grade level. “What happens next year when he overtakes you?” snaps Bree. Har! Bree goes overboard on the mom-snark sometimes, but even I’m doing a facepalm on this one. Danielle has the IQ of a box of turnips, and she has no business teaching anyone… anything. Furious, Danielle vengefully busts out the cherry on top: seven years from Friday will be Benji’s bar mitzvah. He’s Jewish now! Horrified, Bree looks at the kid, who can only shrug. Oy!
Gaby tootles along in her new crapmobile with her two fat, whiny, deplorable kids in the back. These children are why God created infertility. Flame me for that comment all you want, soccer moms. I worked at a school for four years. Condoms are my friend. Anyhoo, the car starts clunking and smoking, so Gaby heads over to Andrew’s and complains that he sold her a lemon with a shot radiator. Andrew says he disclosed the fact that the car was a heap of rust, and there’s no way he’ll cough up $300 for repairs. I believe the exact quote was “your car, your problem.”
Meanwhile, over at Susan’s, MJ won’t tell his dad who’s picking on him. Rather, he wants to learn how to throw a right hook. As Jackson and Mike exchange defensive techniques (sure, Jackson, teach him a martial art that incorporates dance… there’s nothing scarier than jazz hands!) Susan looks out the window and sees Gaby’s evil spawn Juanita shove MJ to the ground. Juanita is younger than MJ by two years, but she’s 9605837 times his size. It’s like watching an elephant stomp a meerkat. Poor MJ doesn’t stand a chance, but Mike and Jackson agree that they can’t teach him to hit a girl. Really? Not even a big, mean, fugly, nasty girl? Susan decides to take matters into her own hands, and goes over to talk to Gaby. Gaby says she’ll talk to Juanita, then tosses in a crack about how she won’t tell anyone MJ was beaten up by a girl. Susan can’t help but bring up the fact that Juanita’s approximately the size of a small delivery truck. Gaby’s pissed, and Susan takes the high road and calmly asks Gaby to teach Juanita to use words and not fists. Wow – I’m actually impressed, Susan. Meanwhile, over at the playground, Bree and Benji look at photos of Danielle as a little girl. What’s that she’s eating? Why, a hot dog! According to Bree, kids eat hot dogs increase their cholesterol levels get big and strong. Bree just happens to have a hot dog… right here! She makes Benjamin promise not to tell his mother, then encourages him to take a bite. Oh, Bree. This is low.
Much to Lynette’s chagrin, Tom and his pals are soon absorbed in their new band. So, naturally, Lynette does what any loving, well-adjusted wife would do: she starts plotting against her husband’s guitar. When daughter Penny accidentally knocks it over in the garage, Lynette leaves it lying on the floor, and plants one of Penny’s Barbies next to it. Later, when Tom drives in, there’s a resounding CRUNCH. Lynette goes out with a satisfied smirk, to find an irate Tom ranting about how the guitar’s ruined, and Penny’s in deep shit. He goes off to yell at her, and Lynette steps aside with a smirk. OMFG. Lynette’s kids are going to need so much therapy it’s not even funny.
Susan gives MJ a whistle to blow in case Juanita comes around. Don’t worry… I’m sure you’ll feel the ground quaking from her footsteps, anyway. Fee-fi-fo-fum! Susan goes to dye the gray out of her hair, and is coated with ammonia-y goop when she hears the whistle. She books it outside to find that Juanita has stolen the whistle. She confronts the kid and asks how she’d feel if someone pushed her down. “I wouldn’t care!” sasses Juanita. She continues to taunt MJ and call him a baby, even with an adult standing right there! Whereupon… Susan reaches over and pushes the little troll to the ground! Oh, SNAP! That was the best thing that’s happened on this show… possibly ever! Of course, Gaby sees everything, and goes running over with her Crazy-Ass Psycho Mom-O-Meter beeping madly. Susan apologizes and helps Juanita up, saying she wanted her to know how bullying felt. But Gaby’s all about a confrontation, and gives Susan a shove. Susan makes a move to walk away… until Gaby taunts her gray hair. That’s it. It’s ON. Susan runs full tilt at Gaby. The women end up in a shrieky, hair-pulling wrestling match in the front yard. Driving past in her fancy car, Edie gazes over disapprovingly. “And they call me white trash,” she comments dryly. Hee!
Dave comes over to Lynette’s and tells her he heard about the “accident.” Guess what he brought? A new bass guitar for Tom! Lynette puckers up like she just swallowed a lemon, but Dave thinks Tom needs some fun. If she makes him get rid of all his stuff, it’s going to trigger a full-on midlife crisis. Tom’s realizing that he’s everything he’ll ever be. He’ll never get rich or climb a mountain, so why can’t she let him play in a harmless garage band? Lynette is taken aback at Dave’s insight, especially when he hands over the guitar and suggests that she be the one to give it to Tom. Later, Dave and Edie attend Bree’s dinner party. Kathryn and Mrs. McClusky are there, too, and Kathryn manages to steer the discussion around and ask Dave where he went to college. Dave hedges, and Edie, thinking of her earlier conversation with Mrs. McC, insists he tell her… after all, she is his wife. Dave admits that he didn’t go to college. He took a job out of high school because his family was having trouble. He’s always been embarrassed about not having a degree. Sooo… is there anything else Edie wants to ask him in front of everyone? Like maybe his childhood stuttering problem, or his father’s alcoholism? Hmm? Edie’s subdued, and I’m impressed. Way to manipulate the situation, Dave.
Susan goes over to apologize to Gaby, and takes along a universal gift of peace and friendship: booze. She and Gaby chat about their kids while sharing a stiff drink. Gaby says that she doesn’t feel like she’s doing a very good job as a parent. In fact, she’s kind of glad that her children aren’t victims, since she herself feels rather downtrodden. Susan says that Gaby’s the strongest person she knows especially while grass-wrasslin.’ Gaby’s all, “That was different… I was mad.” So Susan suggests that maybe Gaby should get mad more often. I agree. Hilarity ensues when Gaby gets mad. Like right now! Gaby, done being a victim, goes to chat with used car salesman Andrew one more time. She asks him for the $300 to fix the radiator, and when he refuses, she points her crapmobile toward his new red convertible and revs the engine menacingly. Gaby’s all, “Give me the cash or the convertible gets it.” Andrew: “Where’s the ATM?”
Everyone’s sitting down to dinner at Bree’s house, but poor little Benji looks positively green around the gills. Uh oh. After six years of vegetarianism, I doubt a sausage made of mechanically separated beef parts will agree with this kid. He promptly barfs all over the floor. Danielle takes a good look at the puke and is all, “OMG is that meat?” Bree is forced to admit that she fed Benji not one, but two hot dogs… and asked him to lie about it. “We’re leaving,” Danielle announces furiously. “You’ve made it impossible for us to stay.” Later, Bree’s apologized, but it’s no good, and Orson’s pissed at her, too. It took them three years to convince Danielle to bring Benji for a visit, and it took Bree one single day to fuck everything up. And it goes deeper than that… he did everything he could to get out of prison and be with his son, but when he got home Danielle had taken Benji back. He thinks Bree didn’t do enough to hold onto the boy who was supposed to be their son. Shocked, Bree says that there was nothing she could do. Danielle came back and demanded – as Benjamin’s mother – to take him back. She literally ripped him out of Bree’s arms. Shocked that Orson would blame the situation on her, Bree walks away. Dude, things are not going well chez Hodge. This is the second episode in a row that’s ended with a fight. My money’s on this marriage not lasting the season. It’s sad – I really like Bree and Orson as a couple.
Back home, Dave asks Edie why she insisted he talk about college. Edie comments that it’s Mrs. McC’s fault – she was poking Edie about not knowing her own husband. Dave gets a really freakin’ scary, knowing expression. Very deliberately, he says that Mrs. McC’s behavior reminds him of his grandmother when she started going senile. Eventually, she started insisting someone was after her, and they had to put her in a home. “I hope that doesn’t happen to Mrs. McClusky,” Dave comments suavely. Oh yeah. You know this is the beginning of the end for poor Mrs. McC. She’s the only one who suspects anything, so he’s going to get her sent straight to the dementia ward. With her out of the way, Dave can carry out his diabolical plan. Whatever it may be.
Mary Alice carries us out with the solemn proclamation that the playground isn’t the only place to find bullies. There are grown-up bullies everywhere. The worst are the ones who take advantage of you without your ever knowing what they’ve done. As she speaks, Dave smilingly pedals his girly-bike past the Scavo house, just as Lynette gives Tom his new bass guitar. I’m beginning to think that Dave’s target may be Lynette. He seemed awfully eager to hang out with Tom. Maybe to get closer to Lynette? Ooh, new theory! Maybe Dave was married to skanky Nora, the chick who got offed in the supermarket a few seasons back. Time will tell!
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