The Office - "Baby Shower" (Episode 503)

Happy Thrusday, ladies!

Dwight is walking around the office with a watermelon stuffed in an apron and he's drilling Michael in order to get him ready for the birth of Jan's baby (I almost did a spit take when Dwight yelled out that his cervix was "ripening." Jim helpfully explains (with a flow chart even) to us that Jan is expecting her baby with a sperm donor while Michael awaits the delivery of a bouncing baby watermelon from Dwight. Jan's baby will be related to Michael by..."delusion."  Dwight's "water breaks" and he quizzes Michael on routes to the hospital. Dwight tells him he has to "adapt to the circumstances." Michael is growing increasingly frustrated and asks Andy to have his baby. It's too late for that, as Dwight loudly announces, "I'm crowning!" I, personally, am wetting my pants. Dwight says that babies are one of his major areas of expertise and boasts that "I performed my own circumcision." Michael acts as Dwight's "birthing coach" during the "delivery" and a pants-less Dwight asks Michael if he's got a Sharpie (so he can leave an inconspicuous mark on the baby to ensure that baby-nappers don't get it.) Dwight gives birth and Michael drops the watermelon "baby" on the ground. Michael asks Dwight what was on the melon and Dwight told him he coated it in butter, because "newborns are slippery." Best. Open. Ever.  

Phyllis is getting the conference room ready for Jan's baby shower. Michael was disappointed that she clouldn't get live storks. Angela took care of the "refreshments" - two bowls of M&Ms with the potential baby names on them ("Chevy" for a boy and "Astird" for a girl. Yep, "Astird.") Michael wasn't impressed with the spread and told Phyllis that she needed to "step it up." He reminded her that her wedding shower was a bang-up party held at the office and where his "golden shower" was. Michael said that he was going to love the baby, even though it wasn't his biological child. He compared it to the video of "when the dog nurses the tiger cub." He adds "It's so bizarre and unnatural...but it happens." Phyllis has the inenviable task of collecting money for a gift for the baby. Oscar doesn't understand why they have to ante up for Michael's "ex-girlfriend's unborn sperm bank baby." Phyllis tells them to think of their donation as money toward cake...a sheet cake. Phyllis tells the documentary crew that she's delighted to be head of the party planning committee over Angela. Michael interrupts and tells her to "Make the party please!" Phyllis goes back to inflating balloons with a hand pump, with Michael yelling at her to "Pump it!" Jim and Pam are on the phone having a conversation filled with misunderstandings. Pam is trying to tell him a long and involved story in a short amount of time and Jim isn't following her. Angela is setting up a collage of pictures of the Scrantonites as kids for a party game (Stanley was such a cute kid!) and Andy adds his picture to the board, next to who he thinks is Angela. It's actually Phyllis, Angela's baby picture is a bit...well...scary. Andy visibly cringes. Ouch. Michael goes to talk to Holly and tells her that Jan is in the "terminal stage" of her pregnancy - of which he's got a "vested interest." He says Jan is "fat and enormous" unlike Holly, who he says is one of the more attractive ladies in the office. He tells her he will be acting kind of cold to her to pay respect to Jan's "bloated feelings." Stanley says he doesn't like pregnant women in the workplace because they're always complaining. He says he's got varicose veins, swollen ankles and even sore nipples. Jan showed up - with the baby. Dwight said that Michael wasn't there to mark it, adding, that the baby "could be anyone's... except Michael's."

Michael was annoyed that Jan didn't call him for the birth of Astrid. He asks to hold the baby and Jan agrees - as long as he keeps her in the car seat. Michael says that he loves babies and tries to pick up and hold a baby every day, if possible, because it "nourishes" him and feeds his soul. He thinks babies are drawn to him because they "see me as one of them...but cooler and with my life put together a little bit." He thinks that if a baby were president there would be no taxes, no war...and no government actually and "things could get terrible. It would be a better screenplay idea than a serious suggestion. Michael introduced Astrid to the office and raised her over his head a la "The Lion King." It's time for the shower. Holly noticed that Michael seemed uncomfortable, but he tried to blow it off and insult her (for Jan's benefit.) The games that were planned for the shower really didn't work anymore but Michael insisted that a baby "multiplies the fun." Not really, when the game was called "Who wants to guess when then baby will be born?" The gang pitched in and bought Jan a stroller, which wasn't nearly as nice as her $1,200 stroller. Dwight couldn't believe Jan spent all that dough on a stroller (it was more than he spent on a whole bomb shelter) and headed into the elevator with his watermelon strapped inside. Jan serendaded her daughter to "Son of a Preacher Man." Awkward. Jim called Pam to share the tale and she couldn't hear him over the din of the laundromat. She's not frustrated, she just thinks she and Jim were just "a little out of synch." Dwight is throwing the  stroller around in the parking lot, screaming things like "playtime is over!" Jan told everyone that she had a tub birth. She mentioned that the afterbirth floated Creed said it must have looked like "the tide at Omaha Beach." Jan's story sent the men packing and Michael told them that it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience and that he should have been there - he was genuinely choked up. Jan asks Michael if he would feel better if he actually held Astrid while she took a nap. Michael said he usually loved babies, but when he held Astrid, he felt "shortchanged" and passed the baby off to Phyllis. Awww.

Michael heads out to the warehouse to get some advice from Darryl (from "one baby daddy to another.") Darryl told Michael that he had an immediate connection with his child because it was actually his baby. He told Michael that he needed to stop referring to himself as a "baby daddy." Michael thought he said that because he was "quote white quote unquote." Jan woke up from a nap on the couch and encountered Holly. Jan asked where Astrid was and Holly joked thaty she was on a sales call and then a coffee break. Jan didn't think Holly's jokes were very amusing. Icy! Actually, the baby was with Angela and Andy, who were taking Anne Geddes-esque photos of the baby in a horn of plenty, surrounded by vegetables. Michael ran into Jan and told her that he was off to tell Holly that she "smells like old tomatoes and dirt." Meanwhile, in the parking lot, Dwignt was performing what he called "The Bumper Test" on the stroller - dragging it behind his car and repeatedly backing into it. Jan leaves (Dwight conveneiently put the stoller in her trunk for her. Michael walked her to her car and, all of a sudden, jan told Michael not to date Holly. Hasn't she runied his life enough? Michael heads back into the office and gives Holly a warm, wordless hug - and then asks her on a date. while Michael said he didn;t get good feelings holdng the baby, he did get good feelings from the Holl-ster.Yay, Michael!

Jim and Pam have been playing phone tag, and they have resorted to leaving messages on each other's phones. Jim says he wished she were home. They were just having another "one of those days." And Pam thiks things will get better. Jim's such a concerned boyfriend, but could the distance between them ruin their bond?