Numb3rs: Blowback (Episode 503)

We begin with a montage of scenes which I’m sure were edited together in such a way to leave me utterly confused.  Don’s yelling at someone about killing 8 people and the death penalty.  Colby’s sitting in a bar with Inara Serra, which is totally confusing my poor fandom brain because I’m going to wind up asking off-topic questions.

Inara’s been lying to Colby about something.  Meanwhile, Tritter – now to be called Twitter thanks to some brilliant commenters last week – is interviewing Charlie.  My favourite adorkable professor tells us not to forget to pay the debt, which would be difficult as Visa refuses to stop sending me bills.  As for David, he wants to arrest someone, who I assume is Inara.

And then somebody tries to blow up Inara and Colby.  Wow, the last time I was this confused about an opening, I was trying to figure out who is Keyser Soze was.

Title Flash.

2 Days earlier at the IHOF:  Twitter is interviewing David, and, if possible, makes himself even more unlikeable.  Who knew?  It’s the snide comment about there not being many agents like David when Twitter started in the 70s.  
“You mean black,” David states.

“I mean leaders,” Twitter insists, a phrase which here means, “black, but I can’t say it officially because I know how to be a snotty asshole without ever getting into trouble.”

It’s clear Twitter is buttering up David with the hope that he’ll spy on the other Fedcakes.  Sure, David has leadership potential, but I find it hilarious when Twitter uses his own career as an example.  Yeah, I’m sure David wants to be a pencil pusher for the rest of his life.  Personally, I think the whole reason he’s so good at research is that he likes to find the information and apply it, not find all the info only to write it down in triplicate.  

Changing tactics, Twitter, thinking he’s buttered up David enough, starts prying about Don and Charlie’s relationship.  There’s some really awkward word twisting going on, but not of the NPAL™ quality.  David’s still not a fool, and just assures Twitter that the Eppes brothers are their own men, stubborn as hell, but a successful pair and the lynchpin of this series so Charlie had better get his clearance back.  Okay, so perhaps David doesn’t say it like that, but as David usually says what I would say in a given situation (hence why David is my pal), let’s just assume he meant it that way.

Math Garage:  Someone has given Charlie a very expensive motorbike to perfect the wind resistance.  That cannot be one of someone’s better ideas.  Has this person even seen Charlie drive?

The Cal Sci Crew is clearly working for somebody pretty famous because of their attire.  Okay, so I’m just taking a wild guess here.

They’ve only managed to cut .001 of a second off the time, but that’s enough to determine a winner, or for light to travel from Milwaukee to Chicago and back, or a hummingbird to flap its wings or Alan to interrupt with a phone call for Charlie.  He’s got to go somewhere.

IHOF:  Even though we’ve switched to the IHOF, I’m going to call this a red herring.  Unless Charlie’s changed into his Math Avenger cape and mask, he’s not stepping foot inside the FBI to make sure Twitter can’t nail him.  As red herrings go though, I’m ridiculously happy to be diverted by this one.

Robin’s come with an offer Don can’t refuse: an all expense paid trip to New York City, just the two of them.  The speed with which Don agrees to this definitely indicates how seriously he’s taking this relationship.  When has Don Eppes ever really pondered taking time off work?  

There’s a catch.  Everything’s paid for by Shyster and Crooks Evil Law Firm Inc.  Why are they called that?  They’re interviewing Robin for a job.  While I admit Robin is amazing and probably deserves to be interviewed by every major law firm out there but this one is trying to ruin my OTP making them more evil than Twitter.  My immediate reaction to that scene told me that drastic measures must be taken.

Dear Numb3rs PTB,
I humbly beg you not to make me go through the pain and agony I went through in “Blackout.”  Do you not recall the 525 days of fandom-related pain because of the split of my OTP?  Do you just not care?  Have I offended you?  Are you attempting to torture me?
Do you need to see the stats?  I made you a grid once about my pain and agony.   Heck, I even did a proper mathematical study about how Don and Robin are the ultimate couple.  Okay, so perhaps darts were not the most mathematically sound method, but it still worked!
You know what; I think you need to understand the consequences of playing with my OTP.  Ever seen a toddler throw a fit in a grocery store?  Amateur!  Ever watched a teenager sulk, hold a grudge and randomly yell?  I scoff at their weak tactics.  I will put them all to shame!  A shout out, world peace and a pony, plus the bowl personally delivered to my doorstep will never, ever be enough to appease me.  Have I made myself clear?
Sincerely,
Spy
PS:  Please don’t split up my OTP.  I’ll cry and I’ll send you my therapy bills.

Don’s saved from having to deal with it by the murder of 8 people and the LAPD asking for the Fedcakes’ help.  Who knew murder could be a convenient way from keeping me from becoming severely depressed?

Coffee Shop:  8 people are dead, some execution style and there’s a whole bunch of cash and bling left behind.  One of the dead is Jerry Lowe, and LAPD officer.  The investigating LAPD officer is on John Schmidt.  I recognize his voice from my short lived series I wish I could’ve watched on mute (except when Hugh Jackman was singing), Viva Laughlin.  I only mention it because I will take any excuse to mention my love of Hugh Jackman – who also shares my birthday and Be Kind to David Day because the same actor playing Schmidt played a not so upstanding citizen in it.  What foreshadowing?

Lowe worked with Schmidt in the Intel Division of the LAPD.  Hey, you know who else works for the LAPD, Charlie!  They’ve given him a pass and everything.  I guess one doesn’t need clearance to do police work.

Don’s a little hurt Charlie didn’t tell him, but the whole situation, as strange as it is, makes perfect sense.  Charlie’s helped out the LAPD before, particularly with the only other guest star who might be able to rival Edgerton with his enigmatic coolness, Lt. Gary Walker.  Of course they would want to hire Charlie the second he can no longer work with the Fedcakes.

Charlie’s first piece of assistance to the LAPD is figuring out where everyone was seated at the time of the attack, using his mad math skillz and knowledge of a high school cafeteria, to figure out where everyone would be.  He even uses the typical groups of cheerleaders, jocks and the mathematicians.  While I’m not offended by the stereotyping of the cheerleaders and jocks, I am offended by the mathematicians.

By the way, Charlie totally forgot the emo-kids’ table.

David interrupts, as orders have come down for Don to go interview Kurt Young, some Hollywood bigwig.  Hollywood bigwig, a phrase which here means having Brangelina on speed-dial.  

Hollywood Studio:  You know what I like, when 80’s / early 90’s actors are brought out of the woodwork to continue playing the same douchebags they played nearly 2 decades ago.  The Bigwig was being blackmailed over something not illegal, but “considerably embarrassing.”  Wait, you mean there’s something more embarrassing than Weekned at Bernie’s?  Really?  I’d like to know what that is.

Bigwig wants Don to find the file Lowe had on him, promising a favour in return.  Unless that favour is making Twitter disappear into loathed character purgatory, neither I, nor Don, are interested.

IHOF:  David’s trying to focus on all the victims but Nikki’s only focusing on the dead cop.  I know she hasn’t been with the Fedcakes long, and I should be able to forgive her for what is really a rookie, and understandably emotional mistake.  The problem is that I still haven’t gotten over the shit she pulled last week, and she’s getting snarky and self-righteous with David.

Math Garage:  Charlie is trying to convince Amita and Larry that the LAPD is just as cool as the FBI.  Charlie, no matter what you try to say and with all the enthusiasm you can muster, we all saw your face last week when you watched Amita and Larry leave.  

Yes, the LAPD did some cool things, like invent SWAT and Joe Friday.  Apparently, the LAPD retired the fictional detective’s badge number, 714.  Larry gives us another factoid: 714 is the same number stamped on US made Quaalude tablets which means it must have the weirdest set of side effects in history.

Amita’s happy to see Charlie happy, and perhaps he can stop thinking about work long enough to think about something else, which is a little problem we heard about in the season premiere.   So while Larry goes on about paper that acts like parchment, he doesn’t even realize that he’s getting in the way.

Charmita is interrupted by Charlie getting some results before Amita can get her, umm, results.  On the way out, Charlie mistakenly says he needs to call Don, not Schmidt.  TOTALLY UNSUBTLE FREUDIAN SLIP THERE, CHARLIE (complete with the necessary capslock of obviousness).

Outside IHOF:  Don is going over the case details with the squee-worthy and never, ever going to move to New York, Robin.  

She confirms the division Lowe worked for could get carried away with the whole invasion of privacy thing, and that warrants are coming down the pipe.  She also realizes that Don’s too busy to come to New York with her at the moment but he claims he’ll be too busy all the time.  Don, just be honest with her.  Get down on your hands and knees and beg her to stay in LA.  If you don’t, and she leaves, I will find a way to defy the laws of logic and physics (I never studied law) and discover a way for a real person to kill a fictional character.  I’m talking literal character assassination here.

As Robin walks away, Don is left to ponder and I’m left yelling at the TV about Don letting her walk away.

LAPD or IHOF:  At least, I think it’s the LAPD, even though Nikki is there, indicating her confusion as to whether or not she’s a Fedcake or an officer.  She really needs to work that out.

Charlie’s worked out where everybody was sitting, except for one man named Alvarez.  According to the model, he wasn’t sitting anywhere, because he’d be like the new kid at school.

On the it may be the IHOF side of things, David arrives with the news that Alvarez was the one to shoot the other seven, leaving us with two questions.  1) Who shot Alvarez?  2) Why is David bring his exposition goodness to the LAPD or is Charlie really in the IHOF without pissing off Twitter?

IHOF:  I know we’re at the IHOF this time as Nikki tells Don all about Alvarez being an LAPD washout the same year Lowe graduated.  Either Alvarez was in league with Lowe, paid by Bigwig to kill him, or snitching for him.  

Out in the bullpen, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern find that Lowe made four phone calls, just before he died, to Inara.

Inara’s Shuttle:  No one can go in there without an invite, so she makes a wise move and invites in the 2 hot Fedcakes.  I’m sorry, are my fandom wires crossed again?

She denies getting any messages from her former flame, Lowe, and spends the entire time making googly-eyes at Colby.  Oh Colby – don’t fall for it.  Inara is well trained in the art of seduction.  Haven’t you ever seen an episode of Firefly?

IHOF:  In a neat little continuity reminder of how they first hooked up, Don’s been improving Robin’s gun.

He takes this opportunity to try and pry as to why she’s looking for another job.  How about getting more specific and say, “another job in another state,” there Don?  Nope, he’s trying to be cool.  There’s cool and then there’s risking losing Robin and incurring my ire not previously seen even against Dwayne, or Ivy Kirk.   Yes, I’m threatening you.

Robin’s not sure she’s gong to take the job.  She’s just exploring her options.  Plus, she did go to Harvard and I bet her current salary isn’t defraying all the years she had to pay back student loans.  When he does try to say something, I’m rather impressed that he does try, as opposed to being all stoic and commitment phobic like we’ve seen before. Plus, Robin is willing to listen to what he has to say.

Nikki, not realizing what she just interrupted, arrives with the ballistics report.  Everyone was shot with LAPD issued ammo.  While this is a very important development in the case, I’m really not thrilled with Nikki for interrupting.

LAPD:  Schmidt admits Alvarez worked for the cops in deep cover.  We get this long tale about some guy named Derek probably being the killer because Lowe put him away and Alvarez testified.  I sigh since it is obvious no one watched how bad this guy was in Viva Laughlin last year, except me – and I was more focused on Hugh Jackman’s hotness.

Nikki totally buys Schmidt’s story – which is still acceptable for the new girl as she’d have her loyalties but Don’s not quite as accepting of either Schmidt or seeing his little brother doing LAPD work.  

Charlie’s office is brilliant and light (yay, light!) and now I’m worried about what happens when Charlie gets his clearance back.

The conversation turns briefly to Twitter, as despite what Twitter said, it’s all about one thing.  It’s all about Don and, as we know from “Bettor or Worse” younger brothers can definitely be a trigger for older siblings.  Twitter, obviously, also knows this.

Twitter’s Office of Assholery:  Twitter’s now trying to gather some evidence about Don from Colby.  Oh, Twitter, Colby was a spy (not theoriginalspy) for the Chinese.  He was tortured by Batman.  What makes you think he’ll give up anything?

There’s more word twisting there and Twitter making Colby feel like he’s given away more than he really has, which just makes me hate Twitter more.  I’m plumbing new depths of loathing here.

Downstairs, Rosencrantz tries to gently remind Guildenstern how his crush on Bonnie Parks worked out.  It’s not just a buddy scene as they also find out about Inara’s prostitution bust by dead officer Lowe.  Hey, being a companion is a perfectly legal and respectable profession!  

Nikki interrupts, again, as they’ve located the red herring of this eppesode, Derek.  

House of Red Fish:  The estimate on how long Nikki would be in trouble was seriously off because she’s there for the takedown of Derek.  She gets one of his scumbag friends while it’s up to David and Colby to chase down the others, and the target.  

In an awesome location chase, Derek runs across a bridge and escapes in a waiting boat.  I’m disappointed when Colby and another scumbag don’t fall into the canal.  Talk about robbing Colby fans of a lovely view!

My disappointment is alleviated when we get a Super!David moment of him leaping off the bridge onto the boat.  

Just as David is arresting him, Schmidt comes out of freaking nowhere and shoots Derek.  See, I told you he was a bad guy!  I bet he’s going to try and justify himself by claiming Derek killed his friend.  Okay, so at least there’s a couple of surprises left in this eppesode as he doesn’t go with the obvious excuse and instead claims Derek, who wasn’t holding his gun at the time was going to kill David. It doesn’t make him any less evil, just not quite the stereotype I was expecting.

IHOF:  David, the bastion of all things logical in the FBI, pulls Schmidt’s file to find out how big of a baddie this guy is. Nikki, still not realizing she’s coming across as the wrong kind of bitch, tears a strip off him.  She doesn’t even question how neatly things are wrapped up that there’s a whole bunch of evidence in Derek’s house which any criminal, smart enough to kill 8 people and not leave any evidence, probably isn’t going to leave lying around in plain sight.

When Don tells her that just because it’s not Be Kind to David Day doesn’t mean she gets to tell off my pal, I applaud.  “This is the FBI.  We police the police.”  You tell her, Don!  I bet you’re regretting letting her off the phones right now.

LAPD:  Hello, his name is Charles Edward Eppes and he is a crime junkie.  At first, his habit started as a way to win back his big brother’s affection and admiration.  Now he’s more worried about crime stats than the Goldbach conjecture.

He realizes his obsession has hurt the ones he loves.  He feels that he’s put Don’s career, pension and health insurance at risk.  Don’s always had to make sacrifices for his little brother and Charlie doesn’t want him to make another one.  As big of a realization as this is, it’s Amita that points out that Don can handle whatever is thrown at him.

Inara’s Shuttle:  Colby’s there to find out the true nature of Inara’s relationship with Lowe. I won’t insult anyone by writing down what she says as it’s all a ploy.  Poor Colby, if he were a geek like me, or David, or Amita, he probably would’ve known better.

Usually, I’d be harder on him (oh the jokes I could make about Colby and harder right now) but he is a guy and Inara is totally hot.  Considering his track record of the last 3 years, he gets to be stupid about a woman at least once.

IHOF:  Robin’s dug up the bank records proving Lowe and Alvarez were blackmailing Bigwig.  She’s also not accepting any excuses from Don about not going to New York.  He’s got work, and she gets that but she wants a little something more from him to make sure things don’t go the same way as last time.

Studio:  Bigwig really didn’t want to get on the bad side of the LAPD, which is why he didn’t report Lowe and Alvarez.  Plus, he makes a valid point that if he’d killed the pair, he wouldn’t be asking Don to get his file back.  While this entire scene effectively moves the plot along, I’m struck by its strange setting.  First, it’s a little obvious they’re driving the golf cart through the back lot of CBS studios.  Secondly, Bigwig drives his golf cart to its parking space, which is directly beside his car.

IHOF:  Nikki is trying to apologize, without really apologizing, by getting everything Lowe and Alvarez ever worked on for David.  Aww.  I forgive her for being a bitch earlier.

Inara’s Shuttle:  I’m expecting a speech about how a companion chooses who she’s with and how it makes the chosen one special.  Oh, did I mention Inara and Colby were in bed together?  How about Colby not having a shirt on?  How about Colby not having a shirt on while explaining how High Noon inspired him to become a Fedcake or how he continues the interrogation about Lowe, while naked?

Now, I think I’ve given people enough warning about the following screencap.  If I haven’t, please read the disclaimer.

Outside the IHOF:  Don is talking to Alan about Robin potentially moving to NYC.  While I applaud that he’s finally talking about his concerns with someone, thus acknowledging there are concerns, he’s talking about it with the wrong person.  Even Alan realizes this as he comments that nothing changes with Don and his women.  Ouch.  Even his own father thinks Don’s going to screw this up. This is so harsh that it takes me a minute or two to realize Alan’s actually the best father, ever.

In another place outside the IHOF, Guildenstern needs to confess to Rosencrantz about sleeping with a material witness/suspect.  Things just go downhill from here, as Colby’s opinion is now completely negated as to whether or not Inara’s involved.  Plus, I’m sure Twitter will somehow be able to find out about it because he seems to be able to know everything so it wouldn’t surprise me if he had planted a tracker on Colby’s penis or something.

LAPD:  Charlie’s giving some information to both Nikki and Robin.  He’s found a secret in all the police data.  Every week, Lowe made a detour to Bigwig’s house.  I’m not entirely sure why he’s explaining this to Nikki and Robin, but anything that gives Robin more screen time; I’m willing to suspend my disbelief for.

IHOF:  Nikki and David explain to Don that the visits are actually the payoffs to Lowe.  After each payoff, Lowe has lunch with Schmidt.  Wow, could they have been more obvious?  How come no one caught this before?

Schmidt’s also been making his own trips to Bigwig’s house. It all goes along with what Charlie said earlier about not forgetting to pay the debt.  The problem is that it’s Lowe who has the file, and when Schmidt confronted him in the coffee shop and Lowe refused to give it up, Schmidt had to kill everyone.  You know, that’s why your illegal dealing should never be done in a public place as killing innocent witnesses can get rather messy.

Bigwig’s:  At least, I think it’s Bigwig’s but it’s so damn dark all I can see are Bigwig, Don and a decanter.  

Don confronts Bigwig with the evidence, pointing out that there aren’t any friends left out there.  Plus, now the movie mogul has to help him, because he can’t claim he didn’t know what Schmidt was going to do.  Bigwig points out he’s anti-dying and a guy who just killed 8 people (9 including Derek the red herring) isn’t worth dying over.

IHOF:  We’re back to where we started, Don interviewing the suspect, who we know now is Schmidt.  The problem is that at the beginning it sounds tough, but now, it sounds like a bluff because both Schmidt and I know there’s a difference between knowing and having the evidence for the conviction.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern watch the interview, realizing that it was Inara who had the file all along.  To avoid having his partner tossed out of the FBI because of his penis, David goes to get the warrant, telling Colby to stay put.

Colby obviously thinks “stay put” means “leave to get Inara.”  If I hadn’t bought a new TV recently, I would’ve thrown something at it.

Cal Sci:  Charlie’s got a conundrum.  Yes, he did what was right; even I think that it wasn’t entirely for altruistic reasons.   The problem is that he knows the easiest route to getting his clearance back would be to betray Don.  Larry compares it to Socrates’ dilemma but I think Charlie would rather drink Hemlock than rat out Don.

Twitter’s Office of Assholery:  Twitter asks about Edgerton beating up Buck.  Hold, on, how on Earth does he know about this?  Edgerton didn’t leave a mark!  Plus, Megan was in danger!  Where does Twitter get this stuff?  How does he know Don let Clay Porter go?

The only good thing about this scene, besides Charlie asking why this isn’t all about him, is Twitter gets the NPAL™ for the second week in a row.  “You don’t think I felt like beating my share of crooks?  Guys who run kiddie porn rings?  Turn 13 year olds out on the street? But I didn’t because there are rules we must adhere to.  Rules prevent misuse of power.  Just as we’ve sworn to uphold all laws, we don’t get to choose which rule we obey.”

Charlie responds with the whole “don’t forget to pay the debt” line.  Good.  Now that we’re back to the beginning, perhaps we’ll find out who Keyser Soze is.

Charlie refuses to turn Don over to Twitter, but Twitter’s insistent Don will do it on his own.  Hey, didn’t Don just go through a bunch of therapy to try and curb these issues?  Why is this coming up over a year later when both Edgerton and Lt. Walker can get away with practically anything (because they’re cool).  Why is Don the only focus of this investigation?  That is, if Twitter’s telling the truth about not letting his personal bias rule him

Chic Bar:  Colby’s totally disobeyed David, and gone to meet Inara.  We get the whole scene from the beginning about Inara lying to him and really, like I couldn’t have told you that, Colby.  Inara gets all self-righteous at Colby acting like he’s a Fedcake (which he is) instead of a human.  You know, I’m only three eppesodes in and I’m seeing this motif of law enforcement versus humanity as an overwhelming theme that’ll pervade this season.

Also from the beginning, the big kablooey taking out Inara’s car – although we get to see that she’s willing to turn over the file.

Somehow, both of them manage to survive the explosion; even through they’re standing right beside the car.  Thank heavens for the magic of television.  Anyone in real life would’ve died from the concussive shockwave.  Even the file manages to survive but just a little singed – sort of like Colby and Inara.

IHOF:  Don’s interviewing Bigwig.  He’s found out that all the blackmail was paid using stockholder cash.  As it is, I’m really glad we don’t actually see what’s in the file as all Don has to say is that Bigwig is “very photogenic” while Don laughs.  Ew.

LAPD:  Nikki is redeeming herself by going along with David to arrest Schmidt. 

IHOF:  Now that Nikki’s redeemed herself, it’s Don’s turn.  Robin’s about to fly out to New York but stops in to say goodbye first.  Don’s speech here is so awkward (not NPAL™ awkward as the fact he’s saying it is a huge leap forward for his character).

“Look.  I want you to have every opportunity that you deserve.  I-I-I do.  I just would like you to have them here, with me.”

As I pull myself back together, I realize that even though Robin is thrilled by his declaration, she doesn’t assure him she won’t take the job.  This sent me into a frantic search through spoilerville, a place I previously have tried to avoid, looking for something to make me feel better.  Please let me know if there’s something out there – but not in the comments.  Message me through my Facebook, or PM me on Famesters, please.

Please, TPTB, I need something! Like a shout out assuring me my OTP is safe!

Inara’s Shuttle:  While Don and Robin are working things out, I hope, Colby’s saying goodbye to Inara.  He may have been led astray once, but he’s not second season Colby.  He won’t do it again.  

Math Garage:  All right, we’re at the end of the eppesode and not only have I had the stress of my OTP, but we’ve not seen the inside of the house, nor everyone’s favourite prop once.  This is all part of some grand scheme to mess with my head, isn’t it?  What?  Who said I was paranoid?  Who is talking about me?

Charlie tells Alan about his interview with Twitter.  Charlie may be willing to give up his addiction to crime, but he will not give his only brother.

Twitter’s Office of Assholery:  Don tells Twitter how important Charlie is to the work that is being done.  Either the Feds give Charlie back his clearance to work with the Fedcakes, or they lose Don.  To make sure everything is clear, he even records the message into Twitter’s data recorder.

All I can hope is that this doesn’t backfire.

Recapper’s Note:  3 eppesodes in and no one has filed a missing plot device report on the funny.  Could somebody find that, and soon please?  Numb3rs is getting pretty depressing this season.