The Mentalist: Ladies in Red (Episode 104)

Hi, my name is Patrick Jane and I'll be seducing you today. 

Settle in, folks, because I am bringing a little more snark than usual this week.  It’s not really show’s fault, I just haven’t slept in a very, very long time and I’m starting to get a little bit cranky.  It’s all out of love, I swear.

Agents Lisbon, Rigsby, and Jane arrive at Jason Sands’ residence in San Francisco.  A local detective briefs them on the case while Jane and his hair observationally observe various things in the house.  The detective takes them to Sands’s study, which has been completely trashed.  Apparently his wife came home and found the room like in this state and immediately called the cops.  Jane observationally observes a piece of paper stuck under a bookcase and a bloodstain on a chair, and announces that Sands is still there.  The detective is like “um, are we looking at the same room?” and has all sorts of disdain for him and his “psychic” abilities.  Naturally, Jane ignores her and explains that Sands was tortured in the bloody chair because his assailant wanted a pass code.  Jane picks up a number pad and says that the assailant must have gotten distracted, allowing Sands to sneak into a secret safe room.  He enters a bunch of incorrect codes into the pad before his hair is like “bish, look at the picture of the sailboats!  OBVS the combination is on the sail, dumbass.”  Much like me, the hair is feeling cranky today.  Jane listens to the hair (and sings a shanty!  Oh my heart!) and the bookcase opens, revealing Sands’s bloodied and very deceased body.

The team attends Sands’s funeral. His widow and young daughter stand next to the casket while bagpipes play, looking distraught.  Rigsby says that he doesn’t think anyone here could have tortured Sands, and Jane says to imagine them all naked and ravenously hungry.  And there goes my train of thought.  Cho says something about Sands’s “hidey-hole,” and okay, I think it’s Recapper Confession Time: I am completely in love with Cho.  I don’t even know why, because it’s not like the show gives him shit to do.  Or, you know, even characterizes him at all.  But he’s so deliciously sarcastic and I want us to be biffles. 

Lisbon mentions that the widow was at “Peter and the Wolf” with her daughter on the night of the murder, meaning she has an alibi.  They notice that Sands’s lawyer is talking to her, and she seems very upset about whatever he is saying.  Lisbon and Van Pelt leave to go work on something or other and Rigsby watches them leave, saying “Van Pelt, you’re killing me.”  Oh, shut the fuck up.  I hate hate HATE this pairing that they’re forcing down our throats.  I’m sorry, but just because they both like cheeseburgers does not mean that these two have chemistry.  Jane, who is far less bitchy than I am, encourages Rigsby to tell Van Pelt how he feels.  Rigsby argues that he “sent out vibes and got none back” so he doesn’t want to chance it.  “That’s why he stares at the back of her neck for several hours,” Cho deadpans.  FLOVE.  Jane insists that Rigsby should try to seduce her, saying that it’s not that difficult.  “I don’t see a crowd of women following you around,” Rigsby says, to which Jane replies, “why would I want a crowd of women following me around?” HA!  I love that he doesn’t even pretend like he couldn’t have anyone he wants.  FYI, Patrick Jane does not use pick-up lines.  He just says “now.”  Anyway, Rigsby actually pays Jane to tell him the secrets of seduction, which are love and affection.  And really fantastic hair.  He then bets Rigsby $100 that he can seduce anyone there.  I would say that Rigsby would be a colossal idiot for taking this bet, but then he tells Jane to seduce the widow, and that’s actually pretty clever.  Underhanded, but clever.  He clearly thinks that Jane won’t try anything, but he is oh so wrong.

Jane makes his way over to Mrs. Sands, whose name is Jennifer.  She’s quite pretty, but she needs to eat about five Big Macs stat.  He takes her hand in both of his, looks deep into her eyes, and introduces himself.  “You’re really very beautiful,” he says, and she’s taken aback by how inappropriate he’s being.  But secretly she’s totally digging it, because no one can resist the OM NOM NOM.  He tells her that he can help her with whatever problems she’s having, but he’s escorted from the funeral nonetheless.

Back at headquarters, the head of CBI is chewing out Lisbon and Jane for Jane’s behavior at the funeral.  Lisbon seems pretty pissed at him for getting her in trouble, and I can’t really blame her for that.  Apparently Jennifer Sands’s lawyer actually filed an official complaint about Jane.  Jane just insists that “she’s playing hard to get.”  The really awesome part is that he’s probably right.  The boss makes it clear that if Jane crosses the line he isn’t going to help him.  Just then, Jennifer’s lawyer calls and says that she’s willing to drop the charges…if Jane will come over to her house and apologize in person.  Sexytime!

“House,” as it turns out, is not the most accurate description of the Sands residence.  This place is a fucking mansion.  Patrick waits with the maid until the daughter, Julie, invites him to play with her.  He goes up to her room, which she says her dad made for her.  She’s got about a million trolls.  I didn’t know people still played with those.  She introduces three trolls as Woody Sands, Wanda Sands, and Wendy Sands.  Jennifer enters the room and takes Jane out on a balcony to have some tea.  “Are you married, Mr. Jane?” she asks, which roughly translates into “I want to lay you like hardwood flooring.”  Jane lets her know that he is a widower but does not give any further details.  She briefly insists that she wants an apology before admitting that she really wants his sex help.  Her lawyer had told her that her husband’s business was a sham, and that he had left her and their daughter flat broke.  She’s flabbergasted by how much of their relationship was a lie.  However, she does think that Sands hid a nest egg somewhere, and she wants Jane to help her find it.  Their conversation is interrupted by a knock at the door.  Three men have come to seize Jennifer’s belongings.  Jane lies and tells them that the CBI suspects anthrax poisoning as the cause of Sands’s death.  The three movers haul ass outta there, much to Jennifer’s relief.

A bit later Jane is back at CBI headquarters, where Lisbon is briefing the team about Sands’s business woes.  Cho informs them that, until a few weeks ago, there was $10 million in Sands’s personal bank account.  Sands then had it put into cash and took it out, and no one seems to know where it is now.  Jane says that he doesn’t think the widow knows either, and it looks like someone’s got a crush!  Lisbon looks a little shocked by this, which means that she wants to hit him like the fist of an angry god.  We’ve all been there, babe.

Lisbon meets with Jennifer’s lawyer, and apologizes for Jane’s behavior at the funeral.  She assures him that Jane received a “severe reprimand,” which has got to be the lamest punishment ever.  The lawyer claims that he had no idea how much dept Sands was in, and he only learned about the massive withdrawal after the fact.  He thinks that Sands was planning to take the money and run before someone offed him.  Lisbon goes back to headquarters, where Van Pelt tells her that Sands owned "an office supply company that supplied this Happy Landings Entertainment with copy paper, in the last two years about $55.2 million worth.”  They don’t know who owns Happy Landing Entertainment, but Sands owned the office supply company under a separate corporate address, which is MAAAAAAD SHADY.  For realz.

Cho, Jane and Lisbon (whoa, unintentional alphabetical order!) head over to the company’s address, which happens to be a boat in Sausalito.  The boat’s interior is trashed, and they find a gun-wielding woman on board.  When she finds out that they’re the police, she drops the gun and proclaims that she “makes no trouble.”  She says that she has every right to be on the boat because Jason Sands is her fiancé. Dun dun DUN.

They take her back to the station, where we learn that her name is Adriana and she is Armenian.  Since they have enough to put her away for 10-15 years, Van Pelt suggests that she talks, but Adriana tells her that “from you I buy cookies, I don’t talk about situation.”  Hee!  And God, now I could really use some Girl Scouts’ Shortbread cookies.  Y’all know you love them.  Anywho, Van Pelt gets a bit riled up, and Lisbon tells her to step outside.  Jane takes her seat.  “The handsome one,” Adriana says.  “Gay, yes?”  Jane just smiles gleefully at this insinuation, proving once again that he has a monopoly on all the awesome in the world.  Adriana then explains that when she was a child she was in a detention camp for two years, which is why she doesn’t find the interrogation all that threatening.  Um, okay?  What did that really add?  And perhaps my knowledge of history is a little rusty, but unless she was alive during World War I, I don’t really see what detention camp she was put into.  Whatever.  She says that she and Sands had been together for three years, and that he was divorcing his wife in order to marry her.  This bitch has got a serious rock on her finger, so I’m inclined to believe her.  She also says that she was on the boat because Sands had used the $10 million to buy diamonds for them to use when they ran away with Julie.  Jane is surprised to hear that she was going to take Julie with her, but Lisbon directs the conversation towards the people Adriana suspects of murdering Sands.  After making a deal that ensures her freedom, Adriana says that Sands had cleared some money illegally for nightclub owners Dieter Webb and Carter Lewis.

The team does some research on the two guys, and finds out that they own all sorts of nightclubs and restaurants, but that their core business is drugs and prostitution.  They have no listed addresses and own no property.  Before Adriana can leave, Jane leaves the group and catches up with her.  He asks why she was planning on leaving with Julie, and Adriana says that she loves Julie and that they “are good friends.”  She also insists that Jennifer is an inattentive and cold mother who only pretends to care about Julie.  Armed with this knowledge, Jane goes to see if his crush is actually a murdering bitch.  That would really put a damper on the relationship. 

When Jane arrives at the mansion, Jennifer and Julie are having a tea party on the lawn.  She’s like “blah blah children are a gift” and Jane asks her if the duck in “Peter in the Wolf” is a flute or a bassoon.  She says it’s a bassoon, which appears to be the right answer, although your guess is as good as mine.  He tells her about the missing $10 million nest egg, and she’s quite excited.  This doesn’t last too long, though, because he also tells her about Adriana.  Jennifer seems devastated and claims not to have known about her husband’s affair.  She wonders if Adriana has the money, and OH MY GOD someone please get this woman some food RIGHT NOW.  Lady, if I can see your spine through the back of a loose-fitting dress, that’s a problem.  Jennifer tears up and asks Jane to hold her, which roughly translates into “what what in the butt, let’s do it in the butt.”  He politely declines, saying “I wish I could,” and she leaves the room.

The team finds a house leased to Webb’s grandmother in Oakland, and considering the fact that she lives in Arizona, they assume that Webb and Lewis live there.  Rigsby and Van Pelt steak-out the house, and show once again fails to convince us that they are ZOMG OTP!!!1!  When Webb and Lewis try to leave, Rigsby and Van Pelt arrest them, though Rigsby has to chase one of them down in a hellaciously lame chase sequence.  Take notes from Lisbon, man.

Back at headquarters, Cho is getting his interrogation on with Webb.  Webb claims that Sands never stole anything from him.  He says that it was probably Adriana (or as he refers to her, “a mercenary bitch”) who killed Sands, and since she used to work for him he thinks his opinion is quite valid.  Lisbon reveals that his partner said the exact same thing during his interrogation.  Just then, Jane gets a call from a hysterical Jennifer saying that Julie has been kidnapped.  We see a note other bed that says not to call the police or Julie dies.  A+ job on that one, mom.

A good number of police officers and CSIs are in Julie’s room, looking for clues.  Jennifer insists that they have to find the money and give it to the kidnappers in order to get Julie home safely.  At headquarters, Cho is re-interrogating Webb, suggesting that he had friends kidnap Julie.  Webb’s just like “wow you’re dumb.”  Lisbon and crew are inclined to believe them, because they aren’t the type of criminals to commit crimes like kidnapping and murder.  Van Pelt informs everyone that the kidnapper IMed Jennifer’s cell phone asking if she has the money.  Jane tells them to say yes and have him deliver it, because he knows where the money is.  He runs off before telling anyone else where it is and they agree to go along with his plan.

That night Jane sits in parked fan, hooked up via webcam to headquarters.  Lisbon is giving him all sorts of warnings about just getting the phone and not trying anything funny, and generally talking to him like he’s a slow child.  A second later Adriana enters the van and pulls a gun on Jane.  She insists that she’s not the kidnapper, and that she’s only doing this because she doesn’t want Julie to die.  After getting the diamonds she’s supposed to call a number and tell the kidnapper that she has them so they can make an exchange.  He hands her the diamonds to inspect and a water bottle, and she hands him the cell phone and her gun.  Wait, WHAT?  Why the hell would she do that?  It makes no sense!  Whatever, show.  After regaining her brain function, Adriana realizes that the diamonds are fake, but Jane pulls the gun on her before she can try anything.  She begs him to give her the real diamonds, and Jane asks if the kidnapper asked for money or diamonds.  She says money, which apparently means that they won’t hurt Julie.  Sure, why not.

The team tracks the signal from the kidnapper’s phone to a house.  They surround the house as Jane and Adriana arrive, and Adriana knocks on the door.  When the occupant opens the door the police charge, and we see that Sands’s lawyer is the kidnapper!  That’s a twist!  Lots of shouting ensues until we cut to the house’s exterior and hear three shots go off.

At a hospital, Bossman and Lisbon discuss the lawyer’s injuries and involvement in the crimes.  (His name is Bennett, btw.  Did I miss that or have they not mentioned it until now?)  Lisbon has determined that Bennett killed Jason Sands and kidnapped Julie, and that either Jennifer or Adriana helped him.  Since Bennett’s prognosis is not good, they will need a confession from the guilty party.  She says Jane has a plan, but she wants to know that Bossman will have their backs.  He begrudgingly says that he will, but she doesn’t look too convinced.  In a waiting room, Van Pelt waits with Adriana and Jennifer.  The two women are less than thrilled to see each other, and they almost get into a full-fledged catfight right then and there.  Cho comes in and asks if either of the women know a Wendy, as Jane said that they name was important.  Neither of them does, and before they leave Van Pelt tells them that Bennett is doing well and should be able to speak with them soon.  The trap has been set!  When Rigsby checks the waiting room a few minutes later, both women are gone.  Lisbon and Cho run to Julie’s hospital room and find Adriana there, meaning that Jennifer is the bad guy after all.

We cut to Jennifer running into her house and up into her daughter’s room.  She tears through the toy box in search of Wendy the troll, and Jane interrupts her in the act.  Jennifer realizes that he had been manipulating her and Adriana.  “This whole time you were just playing me,” she says.  “Not the whole time,” he replies, which, GUH.  She tries to play it off like everything was Bennett’s idea, but Jane tells her that he knows she “was playing him like a violin.”  He admits that he even believed her for a while, until she said that the duck from “Peter and the Wolf” was a bassoon.  We see a flashback of Julie and her nanny at the performance while Jane explains that the duck is an oboe.  “Anyone who’s seen the show knows that,” he says.  Since she lied about going to the show, Jane knew that she was really at home torturing her husband.  Jennifer finally admits to everything, saying that she couldn’t let him leave her with nothing.  She tearfully begs him to tell her where the diamonds are, which seems pretty stupid considering that she can already hear the police sirens approaching.  Nevertheless, he looks up at the chandelier Sands made Julie, and we see the diamonds glittering there.

While Jennifer is being arrested outside of her home, Cho and Rigsby ask Jane when he first suspected her.  Jane lies and says that it was at the funeral, because she looked to put together, and “no wife should glow at her husband’s funeral.”  He concedes that Rigsby won their bet, but insists that the man should still take his advice.  The team leaves Rigsby alone with Van Pelt for a moment, but he cannot manage to work up the courage to tell her how he feels.