The Office - "Crime Aid" (Episode 504)

Pam discovered that living in New York was expensive and had to get a job because she ran out of money. She didn't want to have to sell a kidney so Michael helped her get a part-time job at corporate. Sadly, Michael now knows where to get in touch with her "16 to 18 hours a week." He calls her and all he can manage to muster up is "Paaam--elll--llaa" (like the Ricola jingle.) Michael and Holly have been dating, and it looks like things are going rather well. Their next date, their third, is the one Michael says is traditionally the date where you have sex. He's not sure Holly shares the same idea and notes "If she starts having sex with me, I'll know for sure." Andy's passing out "save the date" cards for he and Angels's wedding. Dwight doesn't take the fact that a date has been set well and sits in the breakroom, crudely whittling a knife out of wood. Phyllis asks him why he was making a knife with a knife and asks if he wants to talk. Dwight doesn't know what she's referring to and Phyllis says that she (and the documentary crew) know what he's been up to with Angela. Dwight says she'd be the last to know.

Michael and Holly make plans for their date. Holly says that they gcould go to the mall and "get different foods" at the Food Court. Michael brought up the sex on the third date thing. Awk-ward. Since he already threw it out there, he asked if she thought they were going to have sex that night and she replied "Hell, yeah." Michael said that for his dinner choice would "probably get soup or something light." Dwight again ran into Phyllis in the breakroom and said of Angela, "She introduced me to so many things - pasturized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine...." Phyllis told Dwight that "Angela's not really a risk taker and Andy's not really a risk." Dwight could only respond that Phyllis' meal choice was "fattening." Holly and Michael are playing cards long after everyone has left - as if Michael's stalling for time. As they head to their cars, Holly says she left her keys upstairs and when they head back into the building, Holly pulls him inside the stairwell, so they could make out where the cameras couldn't see them. Holly was concerned that the documentary crew could still pick up their voices and Michael tells her to turn the dial "all the way" - but he turns his all the way up as opposed to all the way down.

The next morning, everyone arrived to discover that there was a break-in at the office. Oscar's laptop was stolen, as was Kevin's surge protector ("I'm now going to be prone to surges!") Apparently, neither Holly nor Michael locked the door after their stairwell rendezvous. Michael said "so much for sex without consequences." Pam got drunk and drunk dialed Jim's office line at 3am. Andy said Angela was safe with him because he was a very good screamer. He said that one day, they were going to move to Disney's Celebration village in Floirda. Dwight again took Phyllis aside, into the elevator, and asked what he should do. Phyllis tells him to give her an ultimatum. Dwight asked her if she was sure it would worked and she said it did when Bob told her she had to stop talking to her sister on the phone so much. Holly asked if she could do anything Oscar said he just wanted his laptop back. Creed said the last person to steal from him disappeared and his name was Creed Bratton. We need more Creed on this show! Michael said that to recoup the office's losses, he was setting up a charity auction, where people from all over Scranton could bid on their "goods and services." He calls the event "Crime Aid," which was like Farm Aid, except "instead of farms fighting against AIDS, it was us fighting against our own poverty." Michael (as always) assembled everyone in the conference room to talk about the event. Phyllis thought it was a great idea and suggested they could auction off things they could do for each other like cleaning or tennis lessons and said she took part in a similar event in her college sorority. Michael asked if her sorority was one of the ones that girls who couldn't get into a real sorority would form. He then continued to stuff his foot in his mouth and said they could auction off people "just like in the olden days." (Which gets a glare from Stanley.) Oscar and Angela ask who would come to an event like this and Michael hints that he's got 2 front row tickets to the Bruce Springsteen concert. Holly says that Michael "knows how to get things. He got me." and Michael adds "twice." Dwight cornered Angela and gave her an ultimatum. She had until 6:14 pm that night to choose between he and Andy.

The auction started, and Michael came to the stage to "Heart of Rock and Roll" by Huey Lewis and the News. He apparently thought the song was by The Boss. Michael says "Crime Aid" is actually an acronym for "Crime Reduces Innocence Makes Everyone Angry Declare." he says it's not known how many incidents of office theft occur each day "because there is no Wikipedia entry for office robbery statistics." Everyone is there for the tickets, but there's also cooking lessons and hugs - from Phyllis (Micahel asks her "really?") So now it's time for "Lights! Camera! Auction!" and more music froim "Bruce." Darryl, who served as the event DJ said that Michael gave him a list of his top ten favorite Bruce Springsteen songs. "Three of them were Huey Lewis and the News, one was Tracy Chapman "Fast Car" and my personal favorite, "Short People." The first up for bid was a yoga lesson from Holly. Of course, there were no bids and, to save face Michael bid $300 and won. He smacked the gavel on the podium and it turned out to be a squeak toy (it was all Phyllis could find.) He said "It squeaks when you bang it...that's what she said." Brilliant. The next auction item is from Darryl and the boys in the warehouse - to go out for a beer with them right now. Jim bid $5 and Darryl said "sold." Michael reads the next item off of the card and says "it just says 'Creed'." Creed says "it's all-inclusive." As Jim and the guys enjoy their beer, Roy shows up in the bar. He tells Jim he's not going to hit him and is "good." Kevin offers the next item up for bid at the auction. He will do your taxes, "federal and state." He's got no takers and he storms off the stage. Hank the security guard is selling CDs of his awful blues. It's 6:14pm. Dwight looks at Angela and she refuses to meet his gaze.   

There's a special guest at the auction - David Wallace from corporate, who offers a weekend at his place in Martha's Vineyard. The bidding finally gets started. Dwight tells Phyllis that someone has let the air out of her tires and they both head outside. He actually did let the air out of the tires and said he needed an excuse to talk to her. Dwight told her that Angela ignored the ultimatum and Phyllis told him that he should move on. Dwight can't believe that she didn't have a master plan to help him get Angela back. Phyllis told him she thought everyone deserved to be with someone who wants to be with them. Dwight said she was just trying to secure her place as head of the party planning committee. Phyllis slaps him and Dwight says "you slap like a girl." Dwight told the crew that what Phyllis did wrong was to stick her nose into his business and tried to help him. Roy asked Jim about Pam and found lout that she was in New York and was engaged to Jim. Jim said she was happy and loved New York, telling Roy she was out the night before with friends into the wee hours of the morning. Roy asks Jim why he wasn't invited to tag along. Jim decides he should drive to the city and see Pam because he thinks he should. Back at the auction, we find out that, not surprisingly, there were no Springsteen tickets to be had. There's still the matter of Phyllis' hug. Michael says no one wants her hug, but Bob begins the bidding at starts a bidding war. Andy bids $250 and tells Angela he did it because he needs a hug, "unless you're going to give me one." Angela says "Not here!" Bob got the price up to $300 and Dwight came in and bid "300 and one penny." Bob and Dwight went back and forth, with Dwight increasing the bid by a penny every time. He gets to $1,000 and Dwight says "it's not worth it." Jim gets to the interstate and turns the car around because he's not "that guy" and they're not "that couple."

Michael told Holly that his having the tickets was kind of a "grey area." Holly said that she thought Michael having the tickets was "too good to be true" and added that Michael himself was "too good to be true." David Wallace watched them share a kiss and said he was unaware that Michael was dating Holly. He didn't look too happy. Could "Molly" be going the way of Roy and Pam soon?