Primeval Episode Twelve (Episode 206)

Important Stats:
Terrifying Dinosaur Count: 5+ (*hides under the table*)
Anomalies: 1
Episodes of Doctor Who Written By Paul Cornell: 3 ("Father’s Day,” "Human Nature,” "Family of Blood” )
Species of Big Beasties We’ve Seen Before: 8
Big Beastie: Mammoth on the Motorway! (AKA: Snuffleupagus)  

Before we begin, I’d like to express my gratitude at the Whoniverse sending us Paul Cornell to write an episode of Primeval.  It definitely proves that there isn’t any serious rivalry between the two universes as if the Whoniverse really wanted to screw over this show, they would’ve sent us P.J Hammond, more than once.

M25:  A woman driving to pick up her husband (complete with a kid playing with plastic dinosaurs in the backseat) is stuck in traffic.  They’re on the way to the airport but here’s hoping the plane is late!

Suddenly, everyone gets out and abandons their cars.  No, it’s not an imitation of REM’s “Everybody Hurts” video as there’s a lot more panic and a lot less depressing emo.  The cause for all the panic is a very angry Mammoth on the motorway.  Someone must’ve just implied that Snuffleupagus isn’t real.  Oh well, I guess this means I can look forward to a happy episode, full of favourites, can’t I?  Or not.

Credits.

ARC:  The B Team still hasn’t told Cutter and Stephen about Caroline kidnapping the show’s mascot.   You’d think for Rex, Abby would’ve tracked the bitch down and introduced her to Bob, or at least, Slimey.   For the supposed “Lizard Girl” she’s not doing that much to stay with her lizard.

Connor theorizes that Caroline is obsessed with him and plans to keep Rex until he takes back dumping her by text.  

Cutter’s called a super!secret meeting at the ARC, and by super!secret I mean hoping to be overheard by whoever is the traitor within.  I can’t think of any other reason one would hold a super!seceret meeting in the place you’re being betrayed.  Either that or it’s a convenient way of making sure the team hears Connor’s (technological) ADD go off, alerting them to the arrival of Snuffleupagus.

M25:  There’s a moment of hope for Mom and Wash, as a guy named Ed is going to help them.  Unfortunately, Snuffleupagus isn’t watching where he’s going because Ed’s dead.  I’m saying it was an accident as the M25 has to be much busier than Sesame Street.  Snuffy was bound to impale / stomp on somebody, eventually.

ARC:  The greatest pair of lines in this show’s history is delivered by Lester and Jenny.

Lester:  My worst nightmare in one sentence!

Not!Claudia:  A mammoth on the M25!

Cutter has to but in and correct Jenny that it’s a Columbian Mammoth.  Wow, PC language has gone overboard when it’s important to acknowledge a mammoth’s ethnicity.  Apparently, it’s the type that doesn’t have hair.  Lester doesn’t care that Snuffy got the full Brazilian as it’s the wrong country anyway he wants it far away from where people can see it.

As for Cutter and Stephen, they need a bigger gun (yeah, yeah, obvious double entendre there) so Stephen heads out to get one.  May I suggest, while he’s out there, he might get in some target practice?

Before any explanation for Helen’s presence or how she got one of the best supporting bras in history (literally, considering how much time she’s passed through), the rest of the team pulls up, leaving Stephen in an untenable situation.  He has to lie about a) having the gun and b) having Helen at a really familiar spot.

After the rest of the team drives off I’m reminded of how blinded I’ve been by Stephen’s hotness.  Without much proof of anything, he’s been convinced that Helen’s claims that Lester is the traitor are true and the Nick knows all about it.  I’d like to know how he figured this out when even Cutter doesn’t know what’s going on.  I’m going to guess that Stephen’s been hypnotized but Helen’s spectacular boobs and unable to think for himself.

M25:  Jenny wins the efficiency award of the year because the M25 is now harder to contact or get to than most military bases.  Of course, this is even more impressive, Cutter comments because Jenny’s skirt has been tucked into her tights the entire time.  

Okay, she really didn’t; (but she checks) I just wanted to talk about a moment in the episode that often gets overlooked because of the motherfucking mammoth on the motherfucking motorway.  Ahh, Whoniverse-style writing has invaded my little dinosaur show.

Complete with resplendent orchestral music, Cutter sees the love of his life: a Columbian mammoth, at least, he certainly sounds like it’s the love of his life as he stares at it with wonder.  Abby’s a bit more practical and understands that Snuffy is a herd animal and flipping out because he can’t smell the rest of his mates.  

Snuffy is also panicking because the Wash’s Mom won’t stop honking the horn.  I think it’s a universal truth that the only thing a car horn has ever succeeded in doing is piss people – or mammoths off.  Thus, they need a couple of things: the mother to shut up and Stephen with his bigger gun.

Within sight of the 1290440 (actual number) of windows in the ARC, Stephen and Helen are discussing the conspiracy.  Between Cutter holding a super!secret meeting in the ARC and Stephen meeting with the number 1 on the ARC’s most wanted list right outside, our team certainly is getting an epic fail on stealth this week.

Perhaps Helen doesn’t have Stephen as wrapped up as she thought, because he insists on telling Cutter that they’re going to the press to reveal the truth about the anomalies.  

M25:  Making the best use of those electronic notification boards, ever, Wash’s Mom is told to “Shut Up!!” complete with extra exclamation mark.  Hee!  This gives Cutter the chance to run over and play hero and get Wash out of the car. After that, Wash gets left with Connor as Abby has a brilliant idea which obviously was not leaving a small child in the care of Connor.  Connor has to distract the mammoth and look after a small child?  He can’t shoot a gun at the right target.   He can hit the wrong target in the sweet spot.  He’s an utter failure at camping.   Plus, he can’t even keep one lizard within his own apartment!

In what has to be the best, absolutely the best, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off allusion of all time, Abby finds the car she wants: something really expensive that Cameron’s dad would love.  I’m sort of sad it’s not a Ferrari but this scene is set to Yello’s “Oh Yeah” so I’m happy.

Okay, I know I’m supposed to feel sorry for Wash’s Mom and all, but really, she’s done nothing but the opposite of things to do when surviving a rampaging mammoth.  Now she’s screaming just as Cutter is trying to free her legs.  If she hadn’t been so dumb earlier, I might’ve cringed at what must be an excruciatingly painful experience.  Now she just annoys me and I hope that Snuffy will stomp on her hear – but not with Nick in the car.

Using his tusk, Snuffy picks up the car containing Nick and the screaming woman, only to drop it again, this time upside-down.  I don’t understand how the physics possibly work here, but I’ll just chalk it up to the magic of television.  

The woman continues screaming as Nick tries to free her and Snuffy tries to stomp the ear-piecing sound to death.  Unfortunately, Cutter is still in the car.  Bad mammoth!  No cookie!  Just as it seems that the only fate awaiting Nick Cutter is certain death, Wash acts like the little kid he is, and honks a large truck’s horn.  Not only does it distract Snuffy but also it saves Nick!  Yay for small children!  Although, I am a little surprised that Connor didn’t do it, as I would totally buy him playing with all the noisemakers in a vehicle like that.

The kid continues playing with the horn and the catch and release of the back of the truck.  He also flips onto a radio station saying the M25 is still closed, but it’s the kid who solves the problems for later, and I thought it was important to point it out now.  Yes, a kid can save the world, or the M25, in a really big truck.

I would also like to point out the kid’s mother runs for it as soon as she’s free.  Yeah, mother of the year award to that one.  Sure, Cutter tells her Wash is safe, but what I’ve worked out from the geography of the M25 – is that the mother runs in the opposite direction from where the kid went.

With the mom out of the way, Anny arrives back with the strangest (yet most logical) solution – female elephant pee.  I guess that must be perfume (pun intended) of choice for mammoths as it leads Snuffy right towards the anomaly.  Except, the anomaly isn’t there anymore – it’s disappeared!  Considering how quickly Abby was able to get the elephant pee (although I would’ve liked to have seen exactly how she got it), there was nothing the team could’ve done to get the mammoth back to the right time.  

Thus the only solution is to let Wash save them all!  Using eau d’elephant, Cutter leads Snuffy into the back of the truck.

“We caught a mammoth,” Cutter says to no one in particular.  In truth, it’s all right that he talks to himself here.  How many times can anyone say they caught a mammoth on the M25?

Okay, so Wash’s Mom can’t observe the direction in which her child is running but can distinguish that Snuffy isn’t like any other elephant.  Of course, I’m sure she has a vast knowledge of elephant experience to draw from.  She’s imparting her knowledge to intrepid reporter (because aren’t all reporters intrepid?) Mick Harper.  Geez, Primeval, can we stop having names of people that all sound vaguely similar?  Nick?  Mick?  Connor? Cutter?  Harper?  Hart?  Why not just try naming everyone Smith or Jones like they do in the Whoniverse?  

Jenny is quick to tell Harper that Snuffy is really a mammoth and he scoffs at being mocked.  Ah, what a comment on the modern day press.

Now that the crisis has passed, Stephen finally shows up, with Helen.  There’s a momentary standoff, complete with dramatic music, that would’ve been worthy of any Western, as Nick slowly approaches his scorching hot assistant / pit bull / bloodhound / bodyguard / excuse for slash Stephen Hart.  Helen must be having a field day.

Nick’s quick to figure out that Helen is with Stephen, despite the younger man’s claim to the contrary and Nick’s usual ability to be wrong about women, in exactly the way most porn writers want to take it.  We all saw last week.  Plus, Stephen even admits to seeing Helen naked “a couple of times.”

And Stephen is fired.  Helen gloats.

ARC:  Just in case Lester wanted a new nightmare, here it is in brilliant technicolour: a mammoth in the ARC.  Now they just need a second one to live up to the name ARC.  

To only add to that nightmare, Snuffy snorts in Lester’s direction.  I wonder if the cleaners can get out Snuffy snot?

For some reason, even though he was just fired, Stephen is there, looking for support from Abby.  I know I’ve mocked Abby in the past but she seems to be the only one who has figured out whatever Cutter says is always the best plan.  She doesn’t support Stephen’s belief that the work at the ARC shouldn’t be secret for a valid reason: humanity sucks.  She’s so much stronger than I am.

Cutter brusquely reminds Stephen that being fired means one shouldn’t come into work.  Or, that should be what he does, as opposed to getting into a philosophical debate about right and wrong with someone who has been brainwashed by Helen’s boobs.  The debate quickly descends into a “who has the bigger dick” argument (okay, they don’t phrase it that way but that’s what it is).  There’s only one way to solve this.

Okay, so we know Cutter’s been waiting to do that since the end of last season, but still, my way is much more fun.  Plus, it leaves Stephen still under the influence of Helen’s boobs.

As Cutter and Connor head off to do something, and Stephen goes to do Helen something else, Leek watches.  Great, now I have to pay attention to the little twerp, don’t I?

Cutter’s enlisted Connor to do something with the ADD to help them find out what’s really going on except there’s this extra who has been wandering around the last few scenes making me wonder if she’s in on something with Leek, or if they were running out of budget for supporting artists.

And Leek is watching.  I really don’t want to talk about him, but I guess I have to now.

Stephen’s Flat:  And the light bulb goes on!  Stephen finally figures out that, in Helen’s mind, it’s all about Helen when she’s all amused that Nick is jealous enough to hit Stephen.  

Except Stephen is a guy, and Helen is hot, so he gets distracted, by distracted, I mean laid.

ARC:  Oh crap.  Leek’s brought Bob to the ARC.  

Church of her Lady of Obvious Symbolism:  Cutter’s set a trap to catch the traitor.  The problem is that he didn’t see Leek (or the wandering extra) watching his very cunning plan.  It’s also confession time for Cutter and the B Team, as the truth about the kidnapping of Rex is revealed.  

“What kind of girl steals your lizard when you break up?”  I want to know how many times Douglas Henshall tried saying that line before he got through it with a straight face.

The plan was to set off a false alarm by the ADD, sending the Judas to church.

Elsewhere, Leek meets up with Caroline and moans about how difficult it is to pretend to like someone.  Wow, could you be any less subtle that you’re talking about Lester?  Perhaps?  Give it a try!

Caroline’s trying to earn my sympathy by feeling bad about what she’s done.  When we get a shot of Rex in a cage, and her interest in Leek’s plan, any sympathy flies out the window – like I wish Rex had been able to.

Church of her Lady of Obvious Symbolism:  Connor and Abby are singing “All Things Bright and Beautiful.”  The assault to my ears is ended by the arrival of the wrong J.  It’s not Judas; it’s Jenny with the SAS.  Cutter does not take this well.

Everything that happened at the end of Episode Six is coming back to haunt Cutter.  First, there’s Stephen’s betrayal.  Now, he has to deal with this final reminder of what he lost with Claudia Brown.

Despite the SAS pointing a bunch of weapons at his head, Cutter won’t stand down until Jenny reveals Leek sent her.  That little squirmy guy we’ve been trying to ignore all season is now the one everyone has to focus on.  Damn.

ARC:  Lester is working in his office when he realizes he’s all alone.  Even the obvious extra from earlier has taken herself, and her purple sweater, home.  Being alone in a British Sci-fi can only mean one thing: you are in imminent danger.  I have to admit, the suspense is terrific.  With only a swinging light fixture, dimmed lights, and an open van door we know Lester’s about 10 seconds away from becoming the Bob burger.  I’m pretty sure Bob grounds his own meat.

Suddenly, Leek’s image appears on all the ADD’s screens, mocking Lester and telling him that he’s all alone.  Well, it’s lonely at the top, isn’t it, Lester?

But don’t worry; Leek’s sent along a friend for him: Bob.  Sure, he drools a bit and is a bit snarly, but he is Leek’s little pet.

Bob chases Lester through the corridors, all the while wearing a big red thing on his head.  Either that thing is important or Bob’s taken to imitating organ grinder monkeys.  Someone should, perhaps, tell Bob that they didn’t grind actual organs.  

There’s a weird trippy moment that shows Bob in different spots all up and down the hallway, and I’m wondering how a thing that can chase Helen throughout time is finding it so difficult to off Lester.  Bob first gets distracted by the flickering lights, then by accidentally turning on the stereo, only to beat his head in on some exercise equipment.  Wow, Bob sure got incompetent from the last time we saw him.

During this time, Lester manages to get a hold of a really big gun and tries to kill Bob firing off more than 50 shots, yet not killing the creature.  Nobody better tell Lester that he was unable to do in 50 shots what Cutter did with one shot to the head.

Thus, there is only one way to deal with Bob.  It involves a little bit of ingenuity and a really big mammoth.  Lester tells Leek to go fuck himself.  He may not phrase it that way but it’s what Lester really wanted to say if Paul Cornell were writing for Torchwood.   (Doesn’t that sound like a capital idea?)

Just as Bob flies (in slow motion) to kill Lester, the man’s plan falls into place.

“Good boy, good mammoth,” Lester tells his saviour.  I think that’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard Lester say.

Later, the entire team (and the obvious extra in the purple sweater) is back at the ARC.  They must’ve all gone out for dinner at the same time.  While Cutter may not be able to figure out what Leek is really after – other than killing Lester which is really more of a side hobby – at least he’s found a home for Snuffy.  Lester is more than willing to take him home as a pet for his kids as a reward for saving his life.  I hope he explains that the mammoth’s name is Snuffy, not Stampy.

I find another reason to love Paul Cornell.  He gives me more Cutter and Jenny banter.  If I had my way, I’d have an entire episode where the subplot involved those two sniping at each other in the third season.  The last time Douglas Henshall and Lucy Brown spent an entire episode together, it became my favourite one of the first series.  

They’re bickering about how well Cutter’s plan worked (in a roundabout way) while Jenny does not take kindly to guns aiming in the direction of her forehead.  It might mess up her perfect ‘do.  Really, they could be arguing about kitty litter and the spark these two have when delivering banter would still be brilliant.

Connor, in the search for Leek, reveals that he can easily hack into anyone’s personal files.  This also means he knows Abby’s middle name is Sarah, which is great for fanfic writers who are sticklers for detail but not so much for Connor’s relationship with his flat mate.

Leek’s files are encrypted and, at Cutter’s suggestion, Connor tries the word “anomaly” as the password.  It works, which mean either Leek is the dumbest bad guy ever or he wanted them to get into the files because the password also triggered the timer on a bomb under the van.  You know, there are times when I wish Leek is as stupid as I hoped he’d be and this is one of them.  

Everyone, including the team and the extra in the purple sweater, makes a run for it.  Connor is stopped when Cutter insists he stay.  The only people who don’t leave are Connor and Cutter and I hope the whole Cutter always being right (except about women) thing still applies otherwise there are going to be some serious stains on the ARC’s white paint.

Since they can’t figure out which wire to cut, Cutter has another idea – pull the batter out of the van instead.  At one second, Cutter stops the detonation.  

Stephen’s Flat:  Helen finds the whole bomb thing amusing.  I wish Bob would take a minute or two to reacquaint himself with Helen.  The only thing useful is that Helen reaffirms that nearly blowing up Cutter will make Cutter more determined to find you.

ARC:  The red monkey hat was something implanted in Bob’s brain that allowed Leek to control him.  Well, I wondered how Bob became such an incompetent hunter and here’s my explanation.  

Because Bob was controlled via remote, they can use the ADD to track him down.  

Stephen’s Flat:  He walks in on the end of Helen’s call to Leek, and doesn’t buy the story she feeds him about it being an old friend who is a journalist.  Helen’s boobs can only distract him from so much.  The painfully obvious isn’t one of them.  At least, I can hope, right?

ARC:  Connor’s tracked down Leek but Lester doesn’t want the team to find the petulant little man; he wants the SAS to blast him into oblivion.  Thus the SAS and Lester take off, leaving the team with time on their hands.  That never works out for the best.

In an attempt to put himself back into Abby’s good graces, Connor’s figured out that he trace Caroline’s phone using the detector.  Jenny’s appalled at the illegality of such a move, but like that’s going to stop anyone.

The team, denied from being able to see Leek filled with lead, goes off in search of the show’s mascot.  Jenny tags along as well, probably thinking that the rest of the team is going to rescue Rex on the evening news.  Sadly, she’s probably not wrong.

Lester and the SAS have arrived at Leek’s supposed location while the rest of the team is where Caroline’s phone is.  There’s this red herring that Lester’s in the right location as we cut to Leek, waiting behind a door, but all the SAS find is a big empty space with a clearly labeled “diverting signal.”

It’s the team that finds Leek and a whole bunch of guns, after finding Caroline’s phone.  As a reward, Leek complements them, only to have Nick knocked unconscious.  He wakes up later to the sound of Helen’s voice.  She claims she didn’t want him hurt.  Bullshit

While Helen isn’t totally responsible for what’s happening, as I wouldn’t want to take anything away from Leek, she has been in on it all along.  So what is it she’s been in on?  With a flick of the lights, the trapped team gets a glimpse of Leek’s personal zoo, filled with big beasties from previous episodes, including way too many terrifying dinosaurs.

Next Week:  Stephen!  Caroline and Abby smackdown!  Stephen!  Bob!  Stephen!  Panicked Lester!  Stephen!