Survivor: It All Depends On The Pin-up Girl (Episode 1707)

Dang, the Fang tribe's looking rough. Day 19 finds Ken practically see-through, and even Matty's cute is withering away; he's going from "hunk" to "husk." To make matters worse, Crystal accidentally trips over the rice box, spilling some of their precious remaining rice. She scoops back what she can, and nobody reprimands her out loud, but she says she can see from the looks on Matty and Ace's faces that they're angry. Her response? A massive dose of passive-aggression, where she curls up on her mat and refuses to eat because she wouldn't want to take any more rice from them. Both Matty and Ace try, repeatedly, to get her to eat so she'll be stronger for the challenges, but she refuses. She didn't mean to spill the rice, but it's okay for the rest of the tribe to get perturbed about it, too. Of course, if they hadn't been chowing down like they were at an all-you-can-eat buffet the first week or two, they wouldn't have found themselves in the position of crying over spilled rice now.

Even the cool kids Kota tribe's looking a little tired, but at least they're still laughing. Dan tells Marcus and Corinne that he's "sensitive" and wants to be in with the crowd. Dude, are you for real? You're sensitive??? What the fuck are you doing on Survivor??? Corinne says she doesn't know what happened to make him this way, positing that perhaps he's a "former fatty" (which earns her minus a bajillion points with me) but that he's like "a little kid looking for approval." In case you couldn't tell, he's not getting that approval from Corinne.

The Reward Challenge is an old-fashioned game of Keep Away. Three tribe members try to keep a member of the opposing tribe from breaking their ball. They play simultaneously, so whichever tribe breaks a ball first wins the point. They're playing to three points. Since Kota has two extra members, they sit out Corinne and Charlie. Can Fang break its five-challenge losing streak? What do you think?

Randy continues to rock the challenges (that's me giving credit where it's due, but I still think he's a ginormous tool). He wins the first point for Kota, beating Ace. Next up, Bob throws himself around with abandon, sacrificing some skin and most of his dignity in the process, while Sugar stands around posing for the Survivor Girls 2009 Calendar. Point to Kota. Last up is poor, hungry, frustrated, withering-away Matty for Fang, while Dan plays for Kota. In the end, it's Sugar, again, who screws up by dropping the ball -- Dan doesn't even have to bat it away. Kota wins! For the sixth time in a row!

*yawn*

What exactly did Kota win? Besides the chance to send Sugar back to Exile Island for the record-shattering fifth consecutive time? Matty's description of it as "the best reward yet" hits the mark. A helicopter comes and picks them up, taking them on a ride across a landscape that's outright dizzying. I didn't know places like this still existed. It's incredible! They get set down on the edge of an honest-to-God crater, where they get meat, veggies, cheese, bread, and assorted beverages. Strength food, in other words, and it's about damn time -- no more of that herb garden, pastry shit. What else did they get? Letters from home. Ooooh! I think they skimp on most of the reaction shots because Bob gives them the emotional motherlode: he's sobbing. Even Corinne, who I think we can all agree isn't exactly a warm and fuzzy person, comes over to give him a hug and a pat. Bob dissolves into a heap and can hardly read his letters because he's crying so hard. Awww! *sniff* Marcus and Charlie both blink away a tear or two as well, and Dan sounds amazed that his dad even wrote to him, since he hardly said good-bye when Dan left. I'm starting to wonder if Dan's not particularly "sensitive" after all -- maybe people really do treat him like shit. Bob pulls himself together enough to pronounce that, "Life is good." Hang on, I've got to go blow my nose.

Okay, moving on! At Fang, Matty lets his frustration show, talking about how humiliated he is. Um, y'all are all humiliated, Matty. I give him the benefit of the doubt, since I don't think he's trying to say it's all about him…even if it comes out like it's all about him. He goes off with Ace and says, "Make me comfortable," encouraging Ace to take Sugar out while she's not expecting it. Ace puts the kibosh on that. AGAIN. And Matty lets him. AGAIN. Jesus. It's like a broken record around here! Meanwhile, Ken's talking up Ace to Crystal, saying it's time to blindside him. Even Crystal, who's marinating in her own little passive-aggressive stew, can see how Ace is manipulating Matty.

The only remarkable thing about Sugar's latest foray to Exile Island is that she once again declines to hunt for an Immunity Idol -- couldn't she have, like, FOUR of them by now? Bulging out of every pocket? She could've milked those puppies down to a final eight if she'd gotten off her pin-uppy behind and hunted 'em down. No cookie for you, Sugar!

The Immunity Challenge brings good news and bad news. Bad news first: both tribes are voting somebody out at Tribal Council. Good news? Jeff's handing out an Individual Immunity Necklace to the winner of the challenge. It's like a merge, only without  merging. Also? There's a post-challenge twist; stay tuned.

The Challenge itself is another throwback -- a good old-fashioned log roll. Tribe members will compete one-on-one, and their opponent may or may not be someone from their own tribe. Like I said, a merge without a merge. Makes me wonder if they'd planned this for later and something pushed it up. *shrug* They're doing quarter-finals, semi-finals, and a final round, with the winner getting immunity. The quarters break down like this: Ace beats Dan, Charlie beats Crystal, Marcus beats Matty, Randy takes out Susie (both from the Kota tribe, you'll note), Sugar beats Ken (both from Fang) and Bob wins over Corinne (again, both from Kota). Turns out Bob won a lumberjack roll back in college; he and Abe Lincoln battled it out for days.

The semi-final rounds go to Ace, Marcus, and Sugar, so the final is all three of those players on the log at the same time, with Ace drawing to be in the middle. They're all really good at it, so it takes longer than I thought it would, but eventually Sugar, then Ace fall into the water, leaving Marcus as the winner! Where's he from? KOTA! This is Marcus' second individual immunity win so far, which, when you consider we haven't really gotten to that part of the season yet, is pretty darn good.

Per the post-challenge twist, Marcus gets to give one player from the opposing tribe immunity as well. He chooses Sugar, figuring she's one of the weaker players, so Fang will have to vote out one of its stronger players. He deigns to kiss Sugar on the cheek when she sticks her pursed lips up toward him, but to say it's grudging is a kind assessment of the moment. Crystal gripes that with her TWO idols, Sugar is now, "the most powerful player in the game." She seems genuinely baffled as to how this little fluffy bit of cotton candy could have ended up with not just one, but TWO idols. Hee!

The voting machinations begin at Fang. Remember that Ace already talked Matty into going for Crystal. Ken takes Sugar aside and basically lies his ass off, or at least distorts the truth, and attributes things to Ace that haven't happened…yet, like saying that Ace asked Sugar for the idol once, and that he thinks he can do it again. Sugar agrees that blind-siding Ace is a good idea, leading Ken to say, "She may be the pin-up girl, but she's smart." Wait, you mean they're not mutually exclusive? *smacks forehead* Crystal knows it's her or Ace, and what's interesting about that to me is that they're both strong players, but their personalities have rankled to the point that they're bigger liabilities than the tribe wants to deal with. That's pretty bad.

Sure enough, Ace comes to Sugar asking for the idol. Showing that she's not entirely a lost cause, Sugar tells him she'll have to think about it, then muses to the camera that perhaps Ace is turning on her. Will she do the same? Let's find out:

At Tribal Council, they tell Jeff that the rice situation is dire; they're eating six to eight spoonfuls a day. Yeeps. No wonder they're looking sunken of cheek. Crystal's spillage comes up, leading to massive eye-rolling on Matty's part as she tries to drive home the whole "I know they were mad at me" bit. At first I thought Matty had passed out from hunger, but it was just an eyeroll of epic proportions; I think he could see Cameroon out the back of his head, his eyes were rolled so far. Crystal then implodes, responding shrilly when Matty and Ace remind her that they tried to get her to eat that they didn't save any for her. What? WHAT!?! She wanted them to save some for her? Oh, please. I'm going to pretend that the drag of losing, and not eating, and being on the crappy tribe has turned Crystal into someone she's usually not, and let it go. Sugar turns out to have the voice of reason -- an excellent indication that this tribe is truly fucked -- when she says she thinks they ought to be letting some of "this petty bullcrap" go, and says the unwillingness to do so is leading them to lose challenges. Yeah! What she said!

After they vote, there's a moment of tension when we wonder if Sugar's momentary lapse into good judgment and clear thinking will prove to be an illusion, but no! She has NOT given the idol to Ace! *pumps fist* I think maybe my own perception is getting distorted by the asshattery of Fang, since I'm cheering on Sugar so hard, but I have to admit I'm pretty tickled when the vote goes three to two for throwing Ace out on his fake-accented keester. So Fang is down to Crystal, Kenny, Sugar, and Matty as we hurtle towards a merge. Hang on, Matty! Better hope that merge comes sooner rather than later! Jeff approves of the new balls Fang grew, saying of the Ace blindside, "Twenty-one days in, Fang is finally playing the game." Do you think Jeff practices that contemptuous look in the mirror? Or does it just come naturally?

But wait! Don't go anywhere -- we've got another Tribal Council to go!

The ebb and flow of talk at Kota revolves around two people: Susie and Dan, both former Fang members. The Original Onion Alliance (Marcus, Charlie & Corinne) talk with Randy about bringing him and and dropping Bob closer to the end. Randy thinks he's in like Flynn. I think the Onions know that Bob's a pretty appealing character and Randy's a dick, and who would you rather have with you at the end? Someone who might get votes? Or Randy?

Marcus and Charlie want Dan out, because he eats like he's got a hollow leg and he's needy, sensitive, and has the social skills of an aardvark. "Dan is super-vulnerable tonight," Charlie says, saying the only thing that could save him would be Susie "blowing up." Cue…Susie blowing up. Not really; she just chooses the wrong moment to be honest with the wrong person. Corinne makes a half-hearted feel-her-out gesture to Susie, and gets rewarded with Susie telling her she's a lazy, do-nothing drag on camp life and could she please get her ass in gear and do a little work? Okay, not really, but that's how Corinne interprets it, and then Corinne explodes: "I hate her, hate her, hate her. I'd like to stab her in the face." *backs slowly away, hands raised* Let's keep an eye on Corinne, shall we? Can you imagine what she'd have been like if she'd been on Fang? Gorillas would be hiding from her!

So Corinne has a major ax to grind and plays up the incident, twisting and exaggerating Susie's point. Charlie and Marcus are like…"huh." Marcus worries that Dan might have the immunity idol, so maybe Susie's a less risky bet…my feeling is you might as well try to flush it out, and maybe get Dan in the process. Susie's time will come.

At Tribal Council (Take Two!), Jeff asks Susie if she's the weakest player. Instead of just saying, "Duh, Jeff," Susie says she thinks she has some skills, and she's probably as strong as Corinne. This leads Corinne's eyes to bug out unattractively. Corinne and Randy both cop to speaking their minds, and understanding that can be both a good thing and a bad thing -- at least you know where you stand with them…except that both talk about everyone else behind their backs, so you don't really know where you stand, and they just come across to me as unpleasant. Bob watches all this without adding anything -- he's really looking ragged. He reminds me of Christopher Lloyd in Back to the Future.

The vote's a little tense, as it ends up tied for Dan and Susie at three to three before a fourth vote takes Dan out of the game. It's interesting in a couple of ways: If the Onions had stuck together, it would have been 5-2, but Marcus, interestingly, voted for Susie (while saying it was really about Dan…was he the hedged bet against Dan having the idol?). Taking out Dan instead of Susie also tells me that Charlie and Marcus weren't swayed by Corinne's hissy fit over Susie saying she'd have written Corinne's name down because she didn't help enough around camp. I think the most solid layer on that Onion is the Charlie/Marcus bromance, and everything else, including Corinne, Bob, and Randy, is peeling off a little bit. In the end, that may not be good for Charlie and Marcus, but for now, it's pretty satisfying.

That double dose of voting reminds me…don't forget to VOTE on Tuesday, November 4th. Your vote is your voice, and we all get one. Think of it this way: if you don't vote, you don't get to bitch about the results later.

Next week: Unless they're just handing out wine willy-nilly, there's gonna be a merge. And some nakedness. Unfortunately, that bare ass seems to belong to Randy, not Marcus. Phooey!