Supernatural: It's the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester! (Episode 407)

That's not face paint, Sam.

THEN: The…entire series happened.  Yeah.

NOW:  It’s two days before Halloween, and a suburban mom arrives home with a pumpkin and a bucket full of sweets.  She greets her husband, who’s feeding their cute little baby, and recounts the tale of how she beat up an old woman to get the candy.  I think we’ve all been there.  Her husband wants a piece, but she annoyingly refuses to let him have any until after Halloween.  When she leaves the kitchen to give the baby a bath, he sneaks a piece anyway.  Almost immediately he looks horrified, and we see that something is lodged in the roof of his mouth.  He pulls it out and discovers that it’s a razor. See, this is what you get when you don’t listen to your wife.  He starts convulsing and falls to the floor, coughing up blood and razors all the while.  By the time the mom gets back to the kitchen he’s dead, and the screaming commences.

WINGS.  TITLE.

The next day, not!FBI agents Sam and Dean are on the case.  The widow, Mrs. Wallace, reveals that her husband Luke somehow ate four razors, though she can’t fathom how.  “You hear urban legends about this stuff, but it actually happens?” she asks, reminding us that, despite the “ZOMG THE WORLD IS ENDING!!!1!1” storyline from the past two seasons, the show is really about urban legends.  Dean finds a hex bag under the fridge, so Sam asks Mrs. Wallace if Luke had any enemies.  She seems quite offended by this, and says that putting razors in a piece of candy her husband might eat is not the best way to do him in.  She has a point, but I find her too shrill to give her any credit.

In a motel room, Sam examines and researches the contents of the hex bag.  Dean, who is unphased by Luke Wallace’s gruesome death, munches on candy as he enters the room.  Sam explains that they’re not dealing with the average hex bag, as this one contains a long-extinct herb, a 600 year old Celtic coin, and the charred bone of a newborn baby.  Oh, that’s just wrong.  Since the hex bag is extra powerful, Sam thinks that the witch who made it must be as well.  He asks Dean if he found out anything about Luke, but Dean says that Luke “was so vanilla that he made vanilla seem spicy.”  Heh. 

We cut over to what is perhaps the worst interpretation of a high school Halloween party in the history of television.  A naughty nurse and a slutty cheerleader lament the party’s lameness before flirty with a vaguely attractive boy named Justin.   He asks if they’re going to the mausoleum party the next night, which will be “rad” and at which he will get “SO baked!”  Whoa, that’s like, totally gnarly, bra.  Slutty Cheerleader decides to go bobbing for apples, even though Justin thinks that it’s lame.  Justin also thinks that the correct usage of the English language and brain cells are lame, so I wouldn’t put too much stock in his opinion.  She gets an apple in about two seconds, which is impressive, but not nearly as sexual as Justin and his raging hard-on seem to think.  Naughty Nurse gets jealous and decides to try it herself.  She can’t seem to grab an apple, and suddenly starts thrashing around in the water.  Justin and Slutty Cheerleader try to get her out of the tub, but she’s stuck.  The water starts boiling, and they can’t get her free until she’s been steamed to death.

Sam and Dean arrive at the crime scene later that night.  Dean volunteers to interview Slutty Cheerleader even though, as Sam points out, she’s jail bait.  Hey, if Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend can do it, why can’t Dean? Dean asks her if she or Naughty Nurse knew Luke Wallace, but Slutty Cheerleader says that she’s never heard of him.  Meanwhile, Sam finds another hex bag.   They take the bag back the motel and find that it’s just as powerful as the one they found in the Wallace’s kitchen.  Sam theorizes that the killings aren’t about payback; he’s found a spell that requires three blood sacrifices before midnight on Halloween in order to raise the demon Samhain.  Samhain, as Sam informs us, is “the damn origin of Halloween…People wore masks to hide from him; candy was put on doorsteps to appease him, faces carved into pumpkins to worship him.”  Even though he was exorcized centuries ago, the traditions stuck and evolved into our modern fest of Type 2 diabetes and skanky costumes.  Fortunately, the ritual used to raise Samhain can only be performed every 600 years.  Unfortunately, it’s that time of the millennium again.  To make matters worse, Samhain has a chronic fear of loneliness, so he has a tendency to raise other baddies once he’s back on earth.  “By night’s end we’re talking every awful thing we’ve ever seen,” Sam says.  Well, except leprechauns.  Besides, despite their insidiously small hands, they did give us Lucky Charms, so they can’t be all bad.

The next day (aka Halloween), Dean sits in the Impala, eating some more candy.  If the pile of wrappers on the passenger seat is any indication, he’s been at this for a while.  Sam calls him, and he informs his brother that his stakeout of the Wallace’s house hasn’t yielded any new information.  Even as he says this, though, he sees Slutty Cheerleader walk up to the Wallace’s front door.  Mrs. Wallace greets her warmly and hands her the baby.  By the time Dean gets back to the motel he’s found out that Slutty Cheerleader (whose name is Tracy) is the Wallace’s babysitter, even though she’d told him she’d never heard of Luke.  Dean appreciates the witch’s disguise, as he too would pick a hot cheerleader to be his alter ego.  Um, cross-dressing for the win?  Sam tries very hard not to be turned on disturbed by this confession, and informs Dean that Tracy was recently suspended for getting into “a violent altercation with one of her teachers.”  The plot thickens.

The boys head over to the local high school to investigate.  Dean sees a bunch of masks hanging from the ceiling of the art room, and a particularly creepy one gives him a few audio flashbacks of Hell.  He also notices Justin making the world’s most conspicuous bong out of clay.  Yeah, because the school would totally be cool with him making drug paraphernalia for academic credit.  The art teacher enters, and insists that the boys call him Don.  You know, because he’s a cool teacher who really connects with his students and lets them make bongs in class.  They ask about his “violent altercation” with Tracy, which resulted from him trying “to rap with her” when he thought her artwork was getting too disturbing.  Now, I’m not saying that Tracy isn’t buckets of crazy, but if a teacher tried to “rap” with me I’d probably attack him too.  He earned that beat down.  Don mentions that Tracy drew disturbing symbols, including the one from the coin in the hex bag.  He also mentions that she lives alone as an emancipated teen.  Looks like we’ve found our witch!

Sam and Dean meet back at the motel after searching for Tracy’s apartment and talking to all of her friends.  A slightly chubby kid in an astronaut costume asks them for candy, even though it is WAY too early for those shenanigans.  Dean has already eaten all of the candy and pokes fun at the kid’s weight, leaving the astronaut astronomically pissed off.  See what I just did there?  PUNS, BITCHES!  Sam enters their room and sees Castiel sitting on the bed, so he draws his gun (not like that!) and starts shouting.  Dean runs in and tells him that it’s just Castiel.  There’s also a big black dude chilling by the window who Dean doesn’t know, but they choose to go with it for the moment.  Castiel says hello to Sam, who turns into a squeeing fangirl before him.  Castiel’s just like “oh hai dere, u can haz gotz the deemon blood in u!” which totally brings down the mood.  He also says that he’s glad Sam’s stopped using his powers, and the guy by the window agrees.  Dean asks Castiel who his friend is, but the angel ignores him and asks if they’ve killed the witch.  They say that they know who she is, and Castiel holds up a hex bag he found in their room saying that “apparently the witch knows who you are too.” Castiel: he’s in your motel rooms, finding your hex bags.  He also says that the raising of Samhain is one of the 66 seals that really-seriously-no-we’re-not-joking cannot be broken, so they must stop it at all costs.  Unfortunately, Castiel and his buddy don’t know where she is either, as “she has cloaked even [their] methods.”  Castiel finally introduces his friend as Uriel, who is “a specialist.”  Dean doesn’t like the sound of that, and asks what the angels are planning to do.  Castiel says that he and Sam need to leave the town immediately because they’re going to destroy it.  Um, overreaction much? 

Needless to say, Sam and Dean are not pleased.  They argue, but the angels don’t seem to listen to them.  “You can’t do this, you’re angels!  You’re supposed to show mercy!”  Sam insists, to which Uriel coldly responds with a “says who?”  Oh snap.  Dean mocks Castiel for blindly and unthinkingly following God’s orders, but Castiel mentions that Dean did the exact same thing with John.  Wow, that’s a little below the belt.  Dean decides that he’s had enough of this shit, and says that he and Sam aren’t leaving.  He figures that, since Castiel went to the trouble of resurrecting him, God probably doesn’t want him dead.  Uriel’s all “bitch, don’t make me get physical,” but Dean stands his ground.  He appeals to Castiel once more, who stares deep into his eyes and decides to give them a chance.  The sexual tension, it is unresolved.

When the boys leave the room they discover that the Impala has been egged.  “Astronaut!” Dean yells, furious.  Hey, it could be worse.  Sam uses the momentary lull in activity to get his emo on.  He’s disappointed by the angels and their behavior.  “This is God and Heaven?” he asks.  “This is what I’ve been praying to?”  Amazingly, Dean comes to God’s defense, saying that just because those angels were jerks doesn’t mean they all are.   “I mean, Babe Ruth was a dick but baseball’s still a beautiful game,” he says, which means that he’s totally a Red Sox fan.  My word is canon!  Sam turns his emo focus to the charred bone from the hex bag Castiel gave him, and suddenly figures out that no ordinary oven would be able to scorch it like that.  In fact, the only place they know of where someone could char a bone is the high school’s kiln.  They rush over to the high school and start searching the art room.  Sam finds a bunch of baby bones in one of Don’s desk drawers.  Looks like they had the wrong suspect all along. 

Cut to a park, where Castiel and Uriel are talking about the situation at hand.  Uriel isn’t happy that they have to listen to a “mud monkey” instead of doing what he thinks they should.  He keeps on insulting humans until Castiel finally tells him to STFU.  Uriel is kind of a cranky bitch, but I guess I would be too if my name sounded that much like “urinal.”  He says that they should just drag Dean out of the town and destroy it, and let us note that he doesn’t say they should drag Sam out as well.  Castiel says that they can’t because of their “true orders,” whatever those are.

Over in the basement of some house, Don has Tracy tied and gagged, and is performing some sort of ritual.  He goes over to Tracy and prepares to make her a blood sacrifice, but the boys come in and shoot him before he gets the chance.  They free Tracy, who quickly hits them with a spell that makes them convulse on the floor.  Um, if she was that powerful all along, why did a flimsy rope hold her?  She then gives one of those godforsaken villainous monologues that we’ve been so good about avoiding this season, all the while collecting some of her “brother’s” blood to make him the final sacrifice.  I honestly cannot force myself to recap what she’s saying, both on principle and because this actress sucks ass.  Whatever, it’s not important anyway.  She finishes the ritual, which apparently involves invoking the gods of Vegemite.  When you think about it, I guess demons really do come from the land down under.  While she’s chanting, Sam rubs Don’s blood over his and Dean’s faces and then pretends to be unconscious.  Black smoke erupts from the floor as Tracy finishes the ritual, pouring itself into Don’s body.  Don (who is now Samhain) sits up, his eyes a pale color that I can’t make out on my computer screen, and staggers over to Tracy.  They make out for a few seconds before he calls her a whore and snaps her neck.  For the win!  Samhain glances at Sam and Dean, who are lying motionless on the floor.  Since he has like, 20/2000 vision, Samhain thinks they’re dead and moves on without harming them.  Once he’s gone Sam explains that he hoped using the blood as a mask would fool the demon.  He’s so smart.

Samhain walks the streets in his state of semi-blindness.  This is just like that week I lost my glasses, only with a lot more bloodshed and demonic possessions.  Sam and Dean figure that he’s going to the cemetery, so they try to head him off.  On the way there, Sam suggests that this demon may be too powerful to stop with “the usual weapons.”  Dean’s like “aw HAYELL no” and says that under no circumstances is Sam to use his powers.  Sam seems to agree, but we all know where this is going.

Over at the mausoleum, Justin and his friends are partying like it’s 1999.  I guess they’re not too broken up about their friend Naughty Nurse dying the day before.  They all quite down when they hear someone approaching, and are reasonably confused when it turns out to be their art teacher.  Samhain locks them in the mausoleum wordlessly and walks away.  Suddenly, the crypts start shaking.  One finally burst open and two hands drag Justin inside, and his blood sprays out of it a few seconds later.  Dean and Sam arrive before anyone else gets hurt, and Dean frees the teenagers while Sam goes after the demon.  Zombies start crawling out of the crypts left and right, and Dean prepares to throw down.

Sam finds Samhain looking out a stained glass window.  When he approaches the demon unleashes a white light just like Lilith’s, but Sam calmly informs Samhain that “that demon ray gun stuff doesn’t work on [him].”  They get into a fistfight.  Meanwhile, Dean has finally finished pinning the zombies to the floor Angela-style when a ghost attacks him.  “That’s it, I’m torching everybody,” he decides.  Cut back to the battle royale, in which Samhain is choking Sam against a wall.  What else is new.  Sam manages to dig the knife into Samhain’s arm, but the demon knocks it away before it can do any real damage.  Left with no other options, Sam uses his powers.  Exorcising a demon this powerful is apparently very difficult, though, as Samhain continues to struggle.  Sam grasps his head with his free hand and blood starts pouring from his nose, but he doesn’t waver.  Dean walks in on the exorcism in progress and stares at the scene in horror.  Sam finally manages to send the demon back to Hell and faces Dean, who looks like he just watched Sam juggle kittens.

The next day, Sam is packing his bags when Uriel suddenly appears in the motel room.  The angel mentions that tomorrow, November 2nd, is the anniversary of the days Azazel killed Sam’s mother and girlfriend.  “Yet you brazenly use the power he gave you,” Uriel says, disgusted.  Sam says that he didn’t have a choice, but Uriel can’t get past the fact that Sam disobeyed God.  Sam then calls the angels dicks, which of course pisses Uriel off.  “They only reason you’re still alive, Sam Winchester, is because you’ve been useful,” the angel says.  “The moment that ceases to be true, the second you become more trouble than you’re worth, I will turn you to dust.”    Uriel turns to leave, but he tells Sam to “ask Dean what he remembers from Hell” before disappearing.

At the park we saw earlier, Dean is getting his pedo on by watching children play from a bench.  Castiel appears beside him and gives him a very interesting piece of information; the angels’ orders were not to stop Samhain from being summoned, but to do whatever Dean told them to do.  “It was a test,” he says, “to see how you would perform under battlefield conditions, you might say.”  Dean says that, even though he failed the test, he would make the same decision again because they saved a lot of people.  As it turns out, Castiel was glad that he chose to save the town, as he regards all people as God’s “works of art.”  Aw, that’s sweet.  And then things get really heavy.  After Dean pinky swears not to tell anyone else, Castiel admits that he does question God’s orders, and that he doesn’t really know the difference between right and wrong anymore.  He also tells Dean that he will have to make more difficult decisions in the coming months.  “I don’t envy the weight that’s on your shoulders, Dean,” he says.  ‘I truly don’t.”  With that the angel disappears, leaving Dean to wonder what the future holds for him and his brother.

NEXT WEEK:  Sam gets struck by lightning!  And really, with his height, it was only a matter of time.