Numb3rs: Scan Man (Episode 505)

Before I begin, I’d like to say that I’m going to get a little persnickety on things throughout this eppesode, due to Emerson Laidlaw.  It’s not a bad persnickety, as I found fewer things to get persnickety over in this eppesode than I usually do in portrayals of the Autistic on television.  Blame my IRL job and training.  Seriously, there were a couple of moments that made me tear up and all of them were due to one man, my pal, David Sinclair.

David, I love you and I’m so glad there is more depth to your awesomeness than I ever imagined.  My desire to make “Be Kind To David Day” bigger and better next year just trebled in the space of one hour.

On the upside, there's no NPAL™ this week. Well done, Don McGill!

We begin at a raid with a robbery of Thinly Disguised Fictional Equivalent To UPS.  One of the robbers, is sitting playing with beads (I don’t know what kind, sorry) as it’s one of his comforting behaviours.  Don checks his watch.  I play with my jewelry.  We’ve all got them.  In fact, we’ve all got hundreds of them.

Unlike most crimes, the Fedcakes are already aware that something is about to occur and are ready to spring into action.  Larry and Amita have been working on this with them for months – the months Charlie was off “on his sojourn into the wilds of moral ambiguity.”  What is this?  A character that isn’t all rah-rah Charlie and his actions last May?   Could it be that Larry Fleinhardt agrees with my assessment of things?

Anyway, they’re looking for a crew that’s robbed 23 TDFETUPS trucks of various electronics.  The math says they’re going to hit today, they just need to be prepared for the where.  The problem comes in when Charlie clearly spots either an error, or unsupported conclusion, somewhere in the numbers, because while Amita and Larry came up with the right date, they’ve got the wrong location.  

Watching Charlie try and correct them is like watching a computer expert trying really hard not to grab the mouse from someone struggling with basic HTML.  It’s not like he can say they were wrong because, well, I’ll let my very scientific subtext analyzer make the point for me.

As the robbers break into the TDFETUPS facility, Liz comes in with the news that Charlie was so avoiding trying to say.  Thus Don and David are sent to deal with the robbery, while I ponder what could be a new and very impressive partnership.

TDFETUPS:  The Fedcakes pull up just as the robbers finish loading their van.  A shootout ensues where two of the robbers are killed.  They died what appears to be a pile of empty boxes; leaving the Fedcakes, and your loyal recapper, confused.  

Just like Larry and Amita had the wrong location, Don and David (as there’s no Colby since I guess he decided to be the Invisible Man for Halloween) had the wrong van.  This one’s a decoy as the real one plows through a bunch of parcels, in an attempt to make a getaway.  

It’s a weird car chase, with the Fedcakes’ SUVs chasing a TDFETUPS truck.  I think it might even be weirder than the Fedcakes versus ambulance chase we had back in season 2.  It just doesn’t last very long, as the robbers open fire, killing one random SWAT team member, who was probably wearing a red shirt.  
As the Fedcakes are blocked in the TDFETUPS truck is able to drive off, leaving Don watching the last moments of the Red Shirt SWAT, reaching for his helmet.  What was inside his helmet that was so important to reach for? After a montage of Don looking all degrees of devastated, he feels worse when he finds out.

IHOF:  Liz reveals that I may not need to come up with a fun nickname for her potential partnership with Nikki, as Liz is transferring to either Oklahoma City or Denver.  While I really don’t want to see the end of Liz as she brings the snark (and you can’t surf in either place) if she does go anywhere, I hope she picks Denver.

Besides Liz potentially leaving (although, if she doesn’t go to the East Coast, does that mean we can see her again?) Don’s having trouble focusing on the case because he sees Red Shirt SWAT’s family receiving the news.  Besides, David and Liz are just rehashing the info: parcels were empty, being sent to dummy addresses, and with thousands of employees, there’s only one person they can ask to help, Charlie.

Cal Sci:  OMG, Amita is wearing the internationally recognized footwear of the geek-chic. It’s also a sign of the ability to save the universe as I’ve seen them in Chuck, Torchwood and Doctor Who.   I promise not to dwell very long on the Whoniverse, because David Tennant and I currently aren’t speaking.

Alan’s talking to Charmita about hosting a New Year’s party for Amita’s parents.  I guess the Eppes and the Ramanujans are getting along very well as Alan even nags Amita, on her parents’ behalf, to call home more often.  As for the party, Charlie’s got a better idea.  Since he recommended a kid whose parents own some fancy-schmancy restaurant for some great internship, they can have dinner there.  I love how Charlie makes sure to acknowledge the kid deserved it and wasn’t just hoping for an in whenever he wanted a free meal.

The plans are interrupted by David (and Alan’s got to go to yay-yay Ray-Ray’s class-class) to get some help finding the criminals.  Amita suggests that they use a geographic network, and goes into an Amita-vision about attracting butterflies with roses.  Suddenly, something that has never before occurred during the five seasons of this program happens.

Charlie thinks they need to use a supply chain analysis.  It’s like finding the haystack more valuable than the needle.  Speaking of finding things, I hope Charlie knows where to find the couch tonight.

Outside IHOF:  Nikki’s found out the two dead guys worked for Lee Hagopian, who works out of a strip club.  Now, if ever we needed evidence that Colby was not going to be in this eppesode, it’s now.  Since some Fedcakes are going to have to visit said strip club, he would magically appear, tripping over himself to volunteer.  David can’t go either, so that leaves only the best possible choices to send on this mission.

Strip Club:  Yes, I have to say, best possible choices, ever.

They’re told by Lee and another guy, Evan, that auditions were earlier that morning.  Buddy, they’re too good for your club.  Next, they suggest that the pair of them want to go undercover and can even “pick out your own pole.”

“I’m sure you got enough of that yourself in Chino,” Nikki snarks.  I applaud.  When Evan replies with a really lame ass bitch comment, Nikki pwns him again.

They both deny knowing the dead perps and Lee even claims that he makes enough with the club.  Plus, he’s got a roomful of witnesses who’ll swear he’s been there all day.  Yeah, both Liz and I doubt Lee was the main attraction.

Cal Sci:  Charlie’s gleaned all the information the haystack has to give him by using a box of pears that Aunt Doris sends every year.  Hold on, in a throwaway comment did the Eppes family just expand?  The last aunt I recall is Aunt Irene.

It all comes down to this: all the trucks that have been robbed have had parcels designated as an exception on them.  This means the barcodes have been damaged in some way.  The chances of that happening by coincidence are the same as David getting a date with Heidi Klum.

Since there’s only one office in California that deals with exception, the Fedcakes have a good place to start.

TDFETUPS:  Nikki’s sent to hear more numbers – all the ones that relate to the TDFETUPS plant.  Essentially, the numbers are large enough that it totally explains why whenever I sent a parcel, it takes twice as long to get there than the timeline I paid for.  This is really just a plot development scene.  There isn’t a lot to snark here as Nikki learns the exception techs have access to what is on the truck with the exceptional parcels, and that the regular guy, Emerson Laidlaw, the title character of this eppesode, has been out sick.  

The manager, Hellman, is insistent that Emerson, whose desk is covered in saltines, is not the man the Fedcakes are looking for.  I think what he meant to say is that he knows Emerson wouldn’t be involved in anything illicit because he’s definitely the man they’re looking for.  Hell, his nickname is in the title so if he wasn’t the guy that would be one hell of a red herring.

Emerson’s:  Besides not having the resident open the door, all Liz and David can hear is either moaning or a very slow recording of whale song, indicating something is wrong.  Thus, they call in the LAPD who shoot the door off its hinges because David can’t bust it down.  Okay PTB, David’s nearly busted a shoulder trying to break in.  Therefore, that is enough physical harm for my pal in this eppesode.

The apartment is crammed with stuff, so much so that Liz and David have to take off their Kevlar just to fit through the door.  What they find is not an arch criminal, but Emerson, hiding under the table, watching a portable TV and keening.  Good luck trying to get him out of there.  You just shot his door off so he’s going to be at such a level of heightened stress, I’m expecting sedatives.  Plus, where is Emerson’s caseworker?  He needs to be fired for not checking up on this guy!

IHOF:  Instead of explaining how they talked Emerson out from under the table, we just magically see him in interview, drawing circles on the table as a comforting behaviour.  He doesn’t look at Don or Nikki, and hasn’t picked up on how serious the situation is.

In fact, all they can get out of Emerson is that he doesn’t like lawyers, leaks, violence and he can quote his namesake, Ralph Waldo Emerson.   He also has $511108.23 in the bank, which screams payoff to the Fedcakes, if Emerson was the average criminal.

Now the caseworker turns up!  He’s making all the right noises about getting Emerson out of custody but didn’t bring a court order.  Plus, Don, didn’t you realize last week what happens when you bend the rules?  Emerson isn’t competent to make the legal decisions at this time, yet you insist on keeping him.

Sadly, when Liz gives a report on Emerson’s upbringing, I’d like to say how unbelievable it is that the man was misdiagnosed all these years, but no, this level of bureaucratic incompetence sounds really familiar.  According to family services, Emerson has a “learning disability” (a phrase which here means they didn’t know what the hell was wrong and calling it that means they don’t have to look any further) and an overprotective mother who homeschooled him.  Ouch, bad combination here.

While Don thinks it’s all an act, Charlie’s seen this before.  Since Charlie’s worked in the upper levels of academia, I’m quite confident he’s seen it plenty of times, and small, lesser versions of it with close friends, *cough* Larry *cough*.

Charlie and Emerson bond over math, paperclips and random trivia about people named Emerson.   Up until this point, I would’ve said the actor playing Emerson was doing a spot on job but then he starts making way too much eye contact with Charlie.  

Bradford, who we haven’t seen in quite a while, is brought in on a consult.  Even though it isn’t his specialty, he’s able to spot Autism because Emerson is such a classic case, as told to us by the media.  His hoarding, his one or two reassurance behaviours as opposed to the average person’s hundreds, and hell, even his mad math skills are all REALLY BIG CLUES (complete with capslock).

Charlie agrees with my earlier assessment that he’s seen it before.  “Mathematical genius coupled with diminished social skills,” he describes, evoking the same reaction from both Don and your recapper.  

Charlie figures the people he knows at Cal Sci are more “high functioning.”  Oh Charlie, let Bradford and me correct you, Emerson Laidlaw is high functioning, even if you don’t think so.  Suggesting Emerson be taken to a more comfortable setting, Bradford thinks they’ll finally get the information they need out of his head.  

Cal Sci:  Apparently, a more comfortable setting to Charlie means La Maison d’Eppes because he’s called Alan to go pick up some saltines and Cheez Whiz.  Even though the whole scene has more to do with Alan assuaging Amita and Larry’s annoyance at Charlie’s earlier behaviour (which I’m sure is something he’s used to doing) and some comments about soaping Charlie’s windshield, I have a sneaking suspicion there was another reason Alan made a beeline to talk to Amita after Charlie’s phone call.

Go ahead and tell me Alan wasn't hoping this was some sort of weird craving.

Charlie arrives, with Emerson (who is more focused on his TV than his surroundings).  David looks as pained as I do, while Charlie tries to explain Emerson staying at the Eppes’ house and watching Iron Chef.  I’m going to assume it’s because David knows that although Charlie may be a very tactile person, KEEP YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF THE STRESSED OUT WITNESS.  Seriously, it’s like training 101 not to touch until you know exactly how they feel about it.

Outside IHOF:  Bradford’s there not only for a consult on Emerson, but also for Don.  Trying to brush off any concerns, Don cites his relationship with Robin (squee!) and his family as evidence he’s completely cured.  Uhh, Don, insisting that you’re cured is usually a sign you’re not.  His insistence doesn’t last long, because Bradford knows all about Dead Red Shirt SWAT, but Nikki interrupts to pull them back on the case.

In interrogation, Hellman’s there to defend Emerson.  When Emerson ran out of room in his apartment, he started using TDFETUPS as his own personal storage unit.  He packed up the extra, used faulty bar codes and just lets his stuff bounce around the country.  The problem is, all of the trucks with Emerson’s boxes are the one’s getting robbed.  

The way Hellman figures, it’s something to do with Emerson’s cousin, who takes advantage of his math genius relative to cheat casinos.  The description of said cousin is the same as the caseworker from earlier.  This in no way negates what I said earlier about Emerson’s caseworker.  If the one we met is a phony that means the real one hasn’t even been bothered to check in on him throughout this whole ordeal.  It’s either the worst caseworker in history or a comment on the social care system.

Let me just add, I love Hellman for trying to help.

La Maison d’Eppes:  Emerson has even more restrictions when it comes to food.  He eats only 7 crackers with 7 olives, and considering he’s not freaking out having been put into a totally foreign environment, his random facts about 1836 being a good gun year and insistence on the correct number of food items, means he’s coping extremely well.

Amita tries to get him to talk about tracking a parcel, but the problem that no one in the room understands is that you have to meet their conversation topics in their world, not force them into our logic of conversations.  It’s not insensitive on her part, just a lack of knowledge.  At least he tries to give her some information, and we learn that of even though 26 is the number of boxes in the opening grid, he has at least 121 in circulation.

While Emerson freaks out because the crackers still aren’t right, I actually tear up, having seen this far too many times before.

Thus, comes the arrival of my favourite version of David.  It’s Super!David, but instead of saving everyone through jumping off buildings or bridges, he does it by imitating the circular pattern Emerson finds so comforting.  Plus it’s that really cool move where you make the ethereal sound using glassware.

Strip Club: Sitting outside, the newest Fedcake partnership bond over the amusement Don had over the two women returning to the strip club, Liz’s relationship with Don (and how she should be a marine biologist) and how Nikki’s brother hates cops.  They’ve even got partner banter down. They must have a nickname.

Who knew that the vessel for Nikki to gain acceptance wasn’t going to be Edgerton, but Liz?

Inside, Evan tries to dissuade the pair from going after Carter Laidlaw by offering drinks, which gives Emerson’s cousin time to make it out the back.  In what was a completely wasted moment rife with comic potential, in order to try and get to Carter, Nikki has to run across the stage.

As saddened as I am at something that could’ve been comic genius, Nikki and Liz are more devastated by losing Carter.  If they when back inside for that drink, I’d forgive them.

La Maison d’Eppes:  Don tries putting pressure on Emerson, only to have him shut down.  Don needs to imitate David’s demeanor more, but even David doesn’t have time to let Emerson talk about watching the roulette wheel go around.  Unfortunately, the only option is to take Emerson home.

Outside IHOF:  Liz and Nikki are having their first pedaconference.  In order to find Carter Laidlaw, they’re going to go find out if some of the girls at the club are earning some undeclared income.  

La Maison d’Eppes:  Wow, people are picking up how to make Emerson comfortable really quickly, while sacrificing the comfort of the recapper.

While David is helping Emerson pack his bag, Alan gives his youngest son a quick reminder that if he’s going to have grandbabies go to all the effort of planning a New Year’s party with Amita’s family, Charlie still needs to be seeing Amita.  I love how Alan picks the right moment to talk to Charlie about his behaviour; if only he had the same amount of time to devote to dealing with Emerson, they’d have the information in no time.

Emerson’s:  The young man does not take kindly to the new door, and David’s promise to get it painted like the old door is an empty one.  The old what was wood, whereas this one is painted chipboard, so it’ll never be the same.  

The inside of the flat doesn’t fair any better for Emerson’s comfort as the people who took pictures for evidence put the stuff back in the wrong spot.  While Emerson calms down watching his television, I get the strangest feeling of déjà vu.

Later, David explains that he had an Uncle with similar issues and that his mother, “told all of us [David’s family] to look at it like it was a gift.”  I heart David’s mom.

When David comments that the world is seen from a different perspective if you’re like Emerson, Charlie has a flash of genius, and a way to track all of Emerson’s parcels.

Cal Sci:  Charlie’s eating crow and asking for the help of his girlfriend and best friend.  He’s figured out that not only to they know best when it comes to some things like fractal analysis, but also that he was an ass earlier, because, as he was climbing back on the horse of FBI work, he used that horse to trample all over Amita and Larry.  

“The sum of your equestrian experience was one midnight ride on an old grey mare straight into the cranberry bog at Princeton.”  I’ve got two words for you on that moment: Lady Godiva.   You’re welcome.

Charlie’s figured out that all the stuff in Emerson’s flat will help them decode the mystery as to where all his stuff is.  While I don’t really understand the mathematical concept here, about layers of paint and action painters, I do understand the symbolism of the shared vision between the three of them.

Outside IHOF:  Bradford’s not one on giving up.  We’ve seen that before.

 
Don tries to deflect him, only to move onto the whole Twitter debacle.  Eventually, he tells something of the truth because he thinks the FBI is all that he’s good at.  Umm, excuse me, we heard that conversation between Robin and Amita at the start of this season.  Don Eppes is quite good at other things too.

Inside, Charlie, along with his backup, have found that Emerson had 177 parcels travelling around the US.  That’s a lot of shit to leave in mail purgatory.  The problem is that 26 have been switched – the same 26 from the grid and that were found empty in the van during the initial heist.  The decoys are all being sent to a facility that deals with things like gold bullion.  So now they have the endgame, and Liz and Nikki have found Carter.  Looks like things are going to wrap up neatly.

Carter’s:  Well, if wrap up neatly meant “killed while tied to a chair,” that’s exactly what happened.  I don’t think Nikki and Liz are considering that their working definition.

While Nikki is impressed Carter withstood a great deal of torture, Liz find the contents of the 26 swapped boxes.  As if we couldn’t predict it already, the plan is to steal the gold.  The problem is the tracking numbers are nowhere to be found, causing our yet to be humourously named female partners, to realize why Emerson is so important in all this.

Emerson’s:  David and Charlie take Emerson back to his redressed flat.  Emerson’s happily chattering to himself about home and how “no place is a good place.”  I guess he must be in to utopian philosophy.

Emerson starts rattling off things that come in the number 39, including steps up to his place, saltines and Supreme Court justices.  He was joking on the last part, but after some careful calculations, (meaning, I used a calculator) I realize that the combined ages of all the current US justices make 39 almost 16 year olds.  To think, they’re the ones determining the morality of the future and, potentially, the next president next week.

Watching Emerson, Charlie and David is Evan, who was also the one who played with beads at the beginning.  Uh oh, David with only Emerson and Charlie for back-up?  He’d better be Super!David.  Thanks for not paying attention to my enough physical harm request there, PTB!

Upstairs, Emerson’s need for order literally saves their lives.  He notices how a doormat is not only off-kilter, but also has a boot print on it much larger than his own.  Seconds before the shooting starts, David manages to push the other two inside.  Emerson is put in the closet and told not to move.  Um, David, remember Emerson was originally found under the table?  If you want him to stay put, you need to send him to a place he’ll willingly go.

OMG, in a reference back to my all time most squee-filled eppesode, we get a reminder of Charlie’s marksmanship: 298/300.  While that’s great for statistics, I’m not so keep on the practical application.  

The shooting commences, and luckily, there’s so much stuff in Emerson’s flat that it’s more like trench warfare than the traditional shootout.  They can move all over the apartment without being seen.  You know what’s needed in trench warfare: weapons other than guns.  Charlie’s all over that and he’s found the greatest weapon of the modern era.

The use of this weapon allows for David to kill one of the intruders, but Evan manages to get his gun on both of them.  In a great bluff, David assures the baddie that Emerson’s heading down the fire escape into the waiting arms of the backup unit.  Considering who the unexpected backup unit is most guys would be more than willing to have that happen for real.

Charlie sums up the whole experience, “I’ll wait to get home to throw up.”  He’ll probably need to change his underwear too.

As for Emerson, if David had listened to me earlier, there wouldn’t be a moment of panic that the witness either died or has run off.  Why?  Emerson’s under the table, which is great because no one shot at the table as opposed to the closet door which now looks like a can of Cheez Whiz after Charlie’s through with it.

IHOF:  Nikki shows Evan who the bitch really is, because now he’s got to feed a list of false tracking numbers to his boss.

TDFETUPS Secure Facility:  Just like most people who open a parcel, the majority of the contents are packing peanuts, with a side of Fedcakes in Kevlar.  The take down is clean and considering the list of crimes including killing a Fed and putting an adorkable math professor in harm’s way, Lee will never see the light of day again.

Outside IHOF:  Don finally admits his problem to Bradford, and even himself.  Seeing the man at the beginning, dying while reaching out for the picture of his family, Don realizes that he doesn’t know what he’d reach for.  Might I suggest, Robin?  Hell, even Bradford mentions that Don has family, friends and a “hot prosecutor.”  So, yes, I’m going to ruin a touching moment when Don talks all about wanting more, and Bradford suggesting that Don won’t be able to find what he’s looking for on a couch, is wrong.

Inside, in the second instance that makes me tear up, David hands Emerson off to the one person (besides David) that will take care of him, properly, Hellman.  There aren’t enough people in the world like these two.  That idea makes me sad.

I do have to give Charlie credit for renting Emerson a storage unit.  Unfortunately, keys are for losers so Emerson doesn’t want the key to the unit.  That’s the way it works some times, Charlie.  You have the best intentions but it isn’t what they want.  Don’t feel bad about the failure; feel proud of the attempt.   

Before Emerson leaves, he mutters, “Eight is enough to fill the world with love.”  Yeah, well with Don, Charlie, Alan, David, Colby, Amita, Larry, Liz, Nikki, and Robin, 10 sounds like a better number to me.

Now, to ruin the second big Don moment in the eppesode, he’s found something else to reach out for.

Don, creating some good character moments is great, but how about, after your moments of solitude, you go give Robin a call. Just a suggestion.