The Amazing Race: "Please Hold While I Singe My Skull" - Episode 1306

Well, tomorrow we choose a new President in what may possibly be the most important election of our lives, but more importantly, a dirty, sweaty Starr stripped down to a sports bra on last night's episode of The Amazing Race. Whichever candidate can promise me that every day for the next four years will be receiving my vote without question. Gentlemen, I suggest you both get busy. More Amazing Race after the jump...

 

Speaking of Starr, she and her tiny little brother Nick started this leg of the Race first, having won the previous leg by a healthy margin last week. Teams were to fly to Delhi, India and then travel by taxicab to Zamrud Pur, home to a local auto detailing business called Moonlight Motors. At least I think it was an auto detailing business. It just kinda looked like a vacant lot in the middle of town that happened to have a bunch of cars in it, but whatever.

 

Nick & Starr hightail it to a travel agency and book the next flight to Delhi, getting them into the city by 4:15 pm. Before long, all the other teams caught up to them at the agency and booked seats on the very same flight. Non-descript guido Dallas laments to the camera about not being able to put the moves on Starr because both her brother and his mother won't stop hanging around, but once he realizes that she's not going to cease to exist once the Race is over, he settles down a little. Oh, silly little reality show contestants. Is there anything you won't do on camera? Toni and Nick's cockblocking did afford Dallas the line of the night, though - "My mom is pretty much the worst wingman ever." Yeah, moms will do that. Be happy she didn't start pulling out baby pictures, dude.

 

Nick & Starr were the first out of the airport, into a cab, and to arrive at Moonlight Motors in Zamrud Pur. Upon arriving, they encountered their Roadblock - painting the bottom half of a motorized rickshaw green to signify their switch to natural gasses. Good on ya, Moonlight Motors. However, before they could get to painting, teams would have to spend an ungodly amount of time taping off the top half and interior of the rickshaw with masking tape and newspaper, something that seemingly took entirely too long to accomplish. The Douchebags Dan & Andrew were hot on Nick & Starr's heels and quickly began taping off their vehicle right alongside Nick & Starr. Flailing team Ken & Tina had trouble with their cab driver, though, and by the time they got to Moonlight Motors and began their challenge, all of the other teams were well on their way to completing it. Although Nick & Starr had arrived at the Roadblock first, the Douchebags whipped their Roadblock faster than anyone and received their next clue. However, their inability to find a cab botched their most unexpected (and unprecedented) lead, and Nick/Starr, Toni/Dallas, and even Ken/Tina managed to pass them up en route to the detour at the Ambassador Hotel.

 

Terence & Sarah couldn't stop bitching at each other at Moonlight Motors, and as a result, they slipped into last place when the Trophy Wives Kelly & Christy finished their painting ahead of them. See, if I was Sarah, I would've given that precious little nancyboy Terence a good backhand to quell his complaining, but she somehow managed to shut him up without any brand of physical violence. I'd say she deserves to win a Travelocity trip from Phil for that feat alone.

 

Once again at the head of the pack for this leg of the Race, Nick & Starr arrive at the Ambassador Hotel and receive their clue from the most snappily dressed doorman I've ever seen. It's Detour Time, and the first of their two options was Launder Money, in which teams would have to create a 'money necklace' from Indian rupees and present it to a bride and groom at an indescribably wild wedding party. The necklace could only contain ten notes that added up to the exact amount of 780 rupees, and as described, they would have to present it to a bride and groom at their wedding party. This would easily have been the most fun of the two options, mostly because that wedding party was INSANE. We're talking hundreds of people whooping it up moshpit style, and wading through them all was a task all its own. The second Detour choice was Launder Clothes, in which teams travel to a laundry shop and iron 20 pieces of freshly-washed clothing. Dull and monotonous, but a whole hell of a lot easier than having to change money from strangers in the crowded city streets. It wasn't really much of a surprise when most teams chose the second of the two options.

 

Nick & Starr were smart enough to pack gloves in their backpacks, and they helped out immensely in having to handle the hotter-than-the-surface-of-the-sun charcoal-fueled irons. The brother & sister continued to make this Leg look easy as they tore through the task, and it was here that Starr shed her outer shirt and ironed in a sports bra and shorts to deal with the heat. Um... wow. She should videotape herself doing just that back home and start a fetish website.

 

On the other side of the coin, the Douchebags had an immeasurable amount of trouble with the task, having to deal with no ironing skills whatsoever ("There is never any ironing going on in the frat house") and also the fierce Indian wind whipping through the laundry that blew their ironed stack of clothes all over the floor. The Trophy Wives seemed to have little trouble with the ironing, something that their ex-husbands must have been marveling at as they watched the episode. Maybe it's just me, but I can't see either of those two princesses doing anything even remotely domestic back home. Drinking G&Ts during the day and flirting with the UPS man, maybe, but that's about it.

 

Nick/Starr & Kelly/Christy were neck-and-neck in ironing, but the siblings finished first and grabbed a cab to the Baha'i House, the national headquarters for the Baha'i Faith. It was there that they met up with Phil and a beautiful Indian woman with a big pot of fire on her head, and once again, Nick & Starr claimed first place and won a pair of electric cars. Awesome. I can see it now - www.halfnakedwomenironinginelectriccars.com. Go for it, Starr! The Trophy Wives weren't far behind, though, and they claimed a respectable second place. I was shocked to see how happy they were with their results, to be honest.

 

Terence/Sarah & Ken/Tina were the two teams that chose Launder Money task, and I think it's safe to say that they probably regretted it. Not only was it pretty damn hard to find strangers on the street that don't speak your language who are willing to exchange currency for you, but like I said before, making their way through the organized chaos of the wedding party proved to be almost too much for Tina. Ken finally found the bride & groom to hand their money necklace to after several minutes of searching through the madness, and Terence & Sarah found their happy couple only moments before them. The quibbling couple received their clue and made it to the Pit Stop in fourth place only moments after third-place finishers Toni & Dallas checked in, but Ken & Tina continued their streak of finding the world's worst cab drivers. Once again, they got lost en route to the Baha'i House, and their driver even had to stop and ask for directions on the way. Oh, how the mighty have fallen, Ken & Tina.

 

Dan & Andrew benefited from Ken & Tina's cab mishaps and claimed a surprising fifth place. I gotta hand it to the Douchebags - with how much trouble they had with the ironing task, fifth place is mighty respectable. Ken & Tina finally get it together with their cabdriver (Ken had a few words with their idiot driver, something I probably would've done, as well) and pull in at the Pit Stop in last place. However, because the Philiminator is a forgiving and gracious Philiminator, he tells them that this Leg is the first of two non-elimination rounds and they will not be heading home. However, as a penalty, the pair will have to complete a Speed Bump on the next Leg of the race, a special Loser Task that they alone will have to face. If they can complete the Speed Bump and finish the Leg anywhere but in last place, their Race will continue. Otherwise, they're out.

 

I'm no huge fan of Ken & Tina, but I have to admit that I was a little touched by Ken's tearing up when faced with the formidable task of winning the Race as a way to save his marriage to Tina. He was obviously very emotional and sincere, and my only question to him about it this - if you care as much about this woman as you seem to, why is the Race playing such a large role in deciding whether or not you stay with her? Ken's tears told me a lot about both him and his feelings towards Tina, and for the good of them both, I honestly hope that they realize how much they obviously care for one another and decide to stay together no matter what the result of the Race turns out to be.

 

Alright, enough sentimental bullcrap. Next week's paint-throwing challenge looks like a hoot, and I'm going to be immensely selfish here and hope that it, too, involves more sports bras. Similar to voting, I think it's my duty as an American to do just that.

 

 

Performed Roadblock: SARAH, STARR, KEN, TONI, ANDREW, KELLY

 

Launder Money: KEN/TINA, TERENCE/SARAH 

Launder Clothes: TONI/DALLAS, NICK/STARR, ANDREW/DAN, KELLY/CHRISTY

 

 

1. Nick & Starr (Won first place, two electric cars, and a lifetime spot on my TiVo)

2. Kelly & Christy

3. Toni & Dallas

4. Terence & Sarah

5. Andrew & Dan

6. Ken & Tina (Not booted, first non-elimination leg)

 

 

-littlebigmouth.