Desperate Housewives - There's always a Woman (Episode 506)

Hee! Please welcome Carlos Solis... on the tambourine!First of all, a shout-out to Jennifer Simonovic, who took over the past couple of DH recaps while I was on vacation.  I owe you one, Jen!  As a masseur for the country club, Carlos Solis has become an expert on how to make people feel good.  But one wrinkly old gal, Mrs. Hildebrant, is feelin’ a little too good, if you catch my drift.  Ahem.  That’s right; her world is being, er, rocked… right there on the massage table!  And all he’s doing is touching her back!  Carlos may be blind, but hey, there’s no mistaking the big O.  His coworker is certain it wasn’t really an orgasm… until he opens Carlos’ tip envelope and finds $300.  Gaby’s so thrilled, she fails to wonder exactly why her hubby brought home such an earth-shattering tip.  So to speak.  Snerk!  And Carlos, being that he values his job (and his life) sure as hell ain’t telling.

The easiest way to spot a dangerous woman is to watch how she behaves with another woman’s husband.  Currently, Tom Scavo is talking with a blonde who’s behaving sorta like she wants to unbutton his shirt with her teeth.  Lynette drives up to the warehouse where they’re chatting, and is all, “What the effin’ eff?”  Tom (who honestly seems to be clueless about Blondie wanting to sex him up) is excited… about the warehouse.  He wants to rent it as a practice space for his whipped husband band.  The woman, Ann, is a realtor, and the mother of one of Preston’s friends.  Lynette is so relieved she can’t even muster her usual bitch factor and tell Tom it’s a stupid idea.  To Tom’s (and my) surprise, she agrees to the warehouse lease.  Meanwhile, over at Susan’s, she pesters her new painter with tales of her breakup with Jackson.  The long-suffering painter thinks Susan should let go of her pride, quit yapping at him while he’s trying to do his job, and give Jackson a call.  

Orson’s already proving his worth as Bree’s new business partner – he’s convinced his former college roommate, Peter, to let them cater his parents’ anniversary dinner.  Kathryn is less than pleased that Orson’s stealing her partnerly thunder.  Frustrated, she tells Bree that she’s thinking about moving to Maryland to be close to her daughter and soon-to-be-born grandbaby.  She doesn’t have a life here - just a job.  Oh, and also, she hasn’t had sex in two years.  Kathryn, that’s harsh.  Maybe you should take a page out of Mrs. Hildebrant’s book and go pay Carlos a visit!  Hee!  Later, Peter comes to see Bree about the catering menu.  He’s kind of a hottie, in a polo-shirt, sensible-haircut, middle-aged kind of way.  Bree takes one look at him and a lightbulb goes off over her head.  Ding!  She promptly suggests that the unmarried Peter go visit her best chef, Kathryn, for a “sample dinner.”  Winky, winky.

Edie goes to visit Karen McClusky in the hospital, to bring her flowers ask why the hell she was aiming a baseball bat at Dave’s noggin.  Mrs. McClusky says that she was on too much medication, and thought that Dave was out to get her.  She fakes being all old and senile and sleepy, and says that she’s going to go stay with her sister for awhile.  As soon as Edie leaves, placated by Mrs. McC’s wimpy behavior, Mrs. McC does indeed call her sister.  But when sis shows up, she’s not exactly the shawl wearing, cake baking, knitting needles type.  In fact, she’s a chain smoking, bourbon swilling, leopard-print broad who brings Mrs. McClusky one of those extra-tall ghetto single cans of beer you can buy at the AM/PM.  Mrs. McC says that there’s a dangerous man after her, and wants to stay with sis so they can do some incognito digging.  Meanwhile, Mrs. “Big O” Hildebrant gives Carlos a ride home, and meets Gaby.  Whereupon follows all sorts of double entendres about Carlos’ “magic hands” and how he can hit the “sweet spot.”  Hee!   Mrs. Hildebrant is taking a trip to Europe for two months, and wants Carlos to go along as her personal masseur.  Carlos is less than enthusiastic (for obvious reasons).  But Gaby?  Mrs. Hildebrant had her at “Salary of fifty grand.”  You can practically see cartoon dollar signs appearing in Gaby’s eyes.  She’s all but packing her husband’s suitcase for him.

Susan goes over to Jackson’s ‘cuz she wants to make up.  She hears the shower running and decides it would be a great idea to strip naked and surprise the boyf.  Hmmm.  The wacky “Susan’s about to take a pratfall” music in the background is telling me that ain’t Jackson in the shower.  Sure enough, when Susan pulls back the curtain, there’s naked chick in there.  Who promptly starts shrieking at the top of her voice and squirts an entire bottle of Prell into Susan’s face.  Whereupon Susan thrashes around and accidentally knocks the screaming chick unconscious.  Har!  Later, the two damp women eye each other warily in Jackson’s living room – Jackson met the naked chick at a club and slept with her the night before.  When he gets home, Susan yells at him for sleeping with another woman, which doesn’t make any sense because they’re broken up.  But then again, when does Susan ever make sense?  She goes storming out, and Jackson’s crestfallen.  Hey, man.  I’d take naked shower chick.  Less batshit insane to deal with, y’know?

At the warehouse, the boys make a noise like a lawnmower on crack jam.  Dave’s having so much fun that he starts fanboying about wanting to rehearse four times a week.  Mike’s a little weirded out about Dave’s overenthusiasm.  Sensing somebody who might figure out his game, Dave immediately dials back the crazy eyes.  Meanwhile, resident snarkadorable gayboy Lee brings a bottle of booze over to Lynette’s, to celebrate the relocation of the noisy-ass whipped husband garage band.  As he arrives, Preston’s going to sleep over at Kirby’s house (Kirby being maneater Ann’s son).  Preston spills the beans that Ann’s been taking spare furniture (including a futon) over for the band to use in the warehouse.  Lee, who is cute but also really excellent at starting shit, insinuates all sorts of dirtiness, causing Lynette’s bitch hackles to go into overdrive.  At bedtime, she gets a call from Tom.  The band’s going to rehearse a couple more hours, and she shouldn’t wait up.  But hang on a tick!  The other whipped husbands have arrived back home!  Lynette heads down to the warehouse to bust Tom.  Is he schtupping Ann?  Nope, it’s way lamer than that.  He’s playing video games.  Lynette accuses him of having an affair anyway. Tom says that if the band is affecting her enough to believe he’d hurt her that way, he’ll give it up.  He promises to come home, and gives Lynette a hug.  But as he does, he spots an open condom wrapper on the floor.  Quickly, Tom steps on the wrapper so that Lynettte won’t see it.

Gaby goes to the Country Club to talk to Carlos’ boss about the trip with Mrs. Hildebrant.  But instead, she ends up accidentally learning about Mrs H’s Big O.  In fact, Carlos is off at Mrs. H’s right now – she prefers her place for the orgasms massages, so she sends a car for him.  As you can imagine, this revelation goes down pretty much like a fart in church.  Gaby hightails it over to the old lady’s mansion, bursting in on the maid and demanding to know where her hubby is.  She runs upstairs and sneaks into the room where Carlos is massaging Mrs. Hildebrant.  Gaby tiptoes behind a screen and spies on the rubdown, which is totally on the up and up - upper back only.  Carlos can’t see her, of course, but when Mrs. Hildebrant looks up she happens to spot Gaby in a mirror.  Soooo busted! Mrs. Hildebrant asks Carlos to leave for a moment, and she confronts Gaby, who confronts right back!  Mrs. Hildebrant seems perfectly shocked that Carlos knew about her… um… level of enjoyment.  She says that it would be a sad to end their relationship – Carlos has healed her back problems, and she’s all alone.  She’s going to Europe to see couture collections in Milan and Paris, and while she really wants Carlos to go along, she would also loooove to have a knowledgeable female companion and personal shopper.  Would Gaby like to come, too, and be paid in dresses?  Speaking of orgasms, Gaby looks like she’s about to have one herself when she hears this.  And what about the kids?  Bring them along, of course!  Everybody will be bestest pals!  Gaby can’t believe her luck.  Probably because nobody is this nice without having an ulterior motive.  But the promise of a free trip and fancy clothes is too much, and of course Gaby agrees.  Mrs. Hildebrant comes across as reasonable, kind, and generous in this scene… which, being that this is Desperate Housewives, I predict will last approximately .89573 seconds.

Jackson visits Susan and tells her she has no right to be mad.  He tried to commit to her and she pushed him away.  Susan thinks she’s no good at relationships – she just has rotten luck.  They agree that they jointly messed it up, and Susan asks if they can start over.  Whereupon Jackson walks out the door and calls Susan on her cell, asking her out again like none of the drama ever happened.  Ho, hum.  This storyline makes me yawn, mostly because Jackson is about as interesting as a bucket of wet cement.  Let’s move on to more interesting fodder, shall we?  Edie finds her husband making t-shirts for the band, which he’s decided to name Blue Odyssey.  That was, in fact, the name of Dave’s brother’s band in high school.  Edie’s taken aback – she didn’t even know Dave had a brother.  Dave admits that Bro Steve died – he got caught up in drugs and was murdered in prison.  The man who killed him was released because it was ruled self defense.  Soooo… I wonder, was it Orson or Mike?  ‘Cuz they’re both former jailbirds.  I thought that creepy-ass Dave was after a woman on Wisteria Lane.  The plot is definitely thickening.  

Bree squees to Orson that Peter’s been over with Kathryn at the “sample dinner” for four hours.  Hmmm, I wonder what’s on the menu?  One polo shirt wearin’ beefcake, methinks.  Orson, however, is not so enthusiastic.  In fact, he admits that Peter is not his college roommate… he’s his prison cellmate.  See, Peter used to be a doctor, but had the bad habit of occasionally harvesting a kidney or two from homeless people, and selling the illicit organs on the black market.  Hee!  Peter's that guy in the urban legends who leaves people in a bathtub full of ice.  A horrified Bree calls Kathryn, but doesn’t have the heart to break the news over the phone… since Kathryn’s in the afterglow of her first sex in two years!  She gushes that she’s had a magical night with Peter, and that he could really steal her heart.  “If he tries, promise you’ll call,” winces Bree.  Hee!  Best line of the night!  The next morning, Bree makes Kathryn a stiff drink and spills the beans about Peter.  Poor disillusioned Kathryn insists that now she’s really moving to Maryland.  When they started their catering business, they were both lonely. But now Orson’s around, and he and Bree are the happy power couple, and she’s a needy third wheel who sleeps with organ thieves.  “I need a family,” Kathryn sobs.  Bree tells her that she’s always wanted a sister, and now she feels like she has one.  She knows she’s not the most… demonstrative person (that being the understatement of the century), but she cares about Kathryn deeply, and would be very unhappy if she left.  Guess that settles it… Kathryn’s staying.  Time for pie!

Tom, preoccupied over the condom wrapper, lies to Lynette that he left the freezer door at the restaurant open, and needs to go check it.  Instead, of course, he goes down to the warehouse… where Porter’s the one sleeping with Ann!  Yow… cougar, much?!  When Tom comes storming in, shouting that he knows what Porter’s up to, Ann hides in the bathroom, and Tom doesn’t see her.  He does, however, yell at the top of his lungs  to order his son’s chippy outta there.  Ann sneaks out the back.  And guess who sees her?  That’s right.  Lynette, who followed Tom.  Oh, great.  Now she’s convinced he’s having an affair with Ann, because she doesn’t know Porter’s in there.  Let the bitchfest begin!  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: poor, poor Tom.  As father and son arrive home, Tom goes into the house, but Porter runs off and gets in Stiffler’s Mom’s Ann’s nearby car.  He tells her that he’s not in trouble, and that she’s worth it, anyhow.  They make out disgustingly passionately in the front seat.  Meanwhile, Mike gets home from a bad dinner date, and chats with Kathryn in the driveway.  She suggests that they have a lemonade and compare wacky date stories.  Oooh!  Kathryn and Mike!  I actually think that would be a pretty good match.  

There are dangerous women out there!  Some are enraged wives, some are icky realtor cougars, and some are predators, deviously setting traps to get what they want.  If you are unlucky enough to come upon one of these dangerous creatures, the best thing to do is run the other way.  Guess who falls into this category?  Karen McClusky and her devious sister.  They’ve finally managed to dig up some dirt on Dave.