America's Next Top Model: Slow Boat To Amsterdam

Marjorie from America's Next Top ModelPreviously - Sheena got low, swept the floor with it and went home. Elina got even more irritating. I liked her better when she was more controlled and spoke less.

Elina mentions her "stiffness" and Marjorie finds that she's not trying. In fact, she feels like Elina thinks she's doing everything perfectly. Did Marjorie's French-osity prevent her from noticing this quality of Elina's before?

Samantha is doing the Running Man (I hate that) around the house because she's happy to still be in Amsterday and have the intellect of a Cub Scout. McKey is cooking in her Renfair dress, it's like she's late for the jousting so got dressed before making dinner.

It's time for go-sees! Cab drivers, watch out! Amsterdam's modeling agency is called TOUCHE'! I love it! The girls are taking five boats around to the go-sees! I love it! Models will be going overboard! Put on your swimmies, Marjorie! I bet McKey can swim herself over, she's so butch and athletic.

The boats are really slow. Marjorie has these weird grey denim boots on that I've already had enough of but what do I know? I like Twinkies. Amanda kisses some designers three times who's wearing giant tube socks. She looks like she crotcheted her own cheerleader uniform.

Marjorie is lost and doubts her ability to find herself. Hasn't that been her sub-plot this whole season? Analeigh needs to stop trying to pronounce the language. Apparently either Amsterdam isn't a very friendly city or they hate the French because not one bitch will help Marjorie find a go-see.

Analeight seems to interview in Anne Frank's attic which is very cool of her. Elina's back is too sweaty for her extremely stank designer. I have that problem, too. How do you control your sweat glands. Eat a dick, Hans Gruber. Just pass her a towel. Marjorie is seriously having more hot probs than the autistic girl last cycle. What's her excuse?

Majorie shows up at the crotchet cheerleader tube sock lady's deal. And this same lady axes Elina for her tattoos. So she has a sweaty back and too much ink. Sweaty back hater guy loves McKey. Marjorie cries when one of the designers doesn't like her. This girl is on some kind of self-hating slip n' slide in her damn head. Elina's boat dude has to swing her out of her damn boat and throw her on the shore.

McKey, who did the best, gets disqualified. TOUCHE' dude give McKey the business with some killer looks. McKey realizes she needs a watch. None of the girls did that well. Elina's tattoos are mentioned but they are tactful enough to leave her sweaty ass out of it. Analeigh wins some money. Well, let's put it this way - she won McKey's money.

Anleigh won $18,000 of clothes from all the designers. They hate her. When did McKey get an accent? Are we having another lesbian bath moment? The tub is filling while Marjorie and Analeigh talk over it. Marjorie is like jittering apart. Can she jitter apart off camera? Chrsit, we're all neurotic, but really.

Samantha thinks the next shoot will be nude. And I would try to imitate her distinction between tasteful nude and Barely Legal nude but it involves the scrunching of her face and some head movements. Tyra's here with her improved hair. Tyra's the photographer! The girls will be photographed clean-faced and then with plenty of mug spackle.

Tyra realizes that Samantha is a boy!!! Then they transform her into Twiggy's son in the hipster army and i love it. Tyra feels like Marjorie's hair feels like fur, so they cut her hair again. Fur? What? Is it her conditioner? Tyra starts bossing around the lighting guys.

We find out Analeigh needs makeup to please Tyra. And apparently to have her hair so far up off her head that it's touching Uranus. And Tyra's. Elina has her nails done, which isn't allowed. Didn't someone send this bitch a memo? Don't sweat, cover your tats with makeup, and don't do you nails! Don't they get a handout mailed to them?

Elina is made to look like Bozo's abortion. McKey has this shit down pat. I think we've got a winner. Mr. Jay tackles Tyra to the floor. You know these two sluts hate each other. Marjorie thinks that no one else is nervous and she doesn't get it. Honey, relax - Elina's going home. To scrub off her tattoos, cut her nails, and eat some meat. I'm kinda into Tyra's hair and the painty dress. She looks pretty and not like a dickhead alien.

Samantha nails it, but Tyra has some fuzz in her photos. Photographer's fault! The judges repeat that Analeigh needs makeup. NOW! UGLY BITCH! Kidding. Marjorie looks like a starving orphan in her plain shot. Elina's ready to snap on them when they give the same critique. And they find out she's 18 and are aghast. Me, too. Now I get it. Bitch is 18! I forgot! I was thinking 37! They make her take her hair down and scream at them.  She should have done that from the get-go!

Mollie Sue, my glam rock girl, lives in Paris and works! I LOVE IT! I always liked her.   Nigel fights with Paulina over Analeigh because he wants to give that some ballast. Are they mocking Paulina's accent? She's European! She needs to band with Elina and Marjorie in the oppressed European club.

It's down to Marjorie and Elina. And vegan ice princess with the Ukranian chip on her shoulder is gone. See ya. Elina actually sheds some icy tears. Now she's back to not eating meat and trying to decide between penis and vagine. And feeling her European.

Next - Some famous male model shows up and Marjorie gets crunk!