Survivor: The Apple In The Garden Of Eden (Episode 1708)

For some reason, Randy gets a burr up his butt when the rest of the Kota tribe laughs at his comment that voting Dan out wasn't fun. He says he's being serious, but I think the rest of Kota's thinking, "Hey, more food for the rest of us." Randy suggests "Operation Clean Sweep," where the Kota Six take out the remaining Fang Four boom, boom, boom…um…boom. Marcus has the social intelligence to know that Susie's not solidly down with that plan, and sure enough, Susie interviews that she feels like she's got some power now. Ugh. Maybe she's just getting a bad edit, but I'm not feeling the Susielove.

Over at Fang, the dualing dung beetles pretty much tell the story: Fang has literally gone to shit. Matty says Tribal Council was "crazy." He's glad he didn't vote for Ace, but says he's not making any more pacts on his girlfriend's life. Whew! I'm sure their future children are glad he didn't write Ace's name down and doom her to fall down an elevator shaft. Crystal smacks him around a little, saying, "Don't let anyone else get in your head." But how else will he know what to do, Crystal?  The poor Fang tribe desperately wants a merge, and Ken says they should stay strong together after the merge, and that they shouldn't tell anyone that Sugar has the idol. I think it's disingenuous to think they don't already know: she could get in-state tuition at Sugar Shack U, she's been living there so long.

The next morning, Corinne's still bitching about what Susie said at Tribal Council. God. Give it a rest, would you? "I'm an extremely vindictive person," Corinne says. "And I will get my revenge." I think you're an extremely unpleasant person, Corinne, and we can only hope that everybody else figures that out soon, too.

Tree mail telling both tribes to gather their personal items and head for the beach for a feast makes them happy, happy campers. Finally! A massive banquet awaits the survivors at the beach. I'm talking Grade A, primo delicious. They've got meatloaf, chicken, salads, fruit, bread. YUM. Kenny starts scarfing down food like he hasn't eaten in weeks. Oh, that's right! He hasn't! It's been so long, he forgot he was supposed to eat with a fork! I imagine those Fang members spent quite a bit of time excusing themselves to go behind the bushes -- remember when Ethan ate all those French fries in Africa and then got the runs? Good times, good times.

In the middle of the table is a box with a note that reads: "Open only when you have finished enjoying your feast. Once this box is open, the feast is over." There's also a clue to another hidden immunity idol underneath a plate. Kenny sees it, but makes no effort to take it; instead, he just mutters about it to Matty. Meanwhile, Charlie also sees the note, grabs it, then shares it with the whole table. Those Fang folks can't do anything right! Marcus and Randy somehow manage to convince the baaaahing sheep that they don't need no stinkin' idol. Randy says he's going to find it, then set it out to sea, and that's exactly what he does. It's just...stupid. It's not really a group activity, for one. For another, why bother finding it if you're just going to throw it away? The whole thing's over my head, I guess. So Randy digs up the idol, sets it in the middle of the ruined feast and basically dares anyone to take it. Buh? Matty looks at it longingly, describing it as, "The apple in the garden of Eden," but in the end, they all just watch as Marcus and Randy walk it out into the sea and throw it away.

Idiots.

Marcus likes the plan because it means Kota is in a stronger position; nobody on Fang will have that idol. I'd love if someone would explain to me why that move made sense, because I just don't get it!

So now that the idol business is all taken care of (I'll continue to puzzle over it -- please comment with your theories!), they open the box, certain that the merge has arrived, and they'll be living on the beautiful beach as one happy little herd of sheep. BUT NO! They draw numbered stones and divide themselves into two tribes again! Wow! No merge? Really? Huh. The new tribes break down thusly:

Kota: Marcus, Bob, Susie, Crystal and Ken.
Fang; Matty, Randy, Charlie, Sugar and Corinne.

So three Kota members and two Fang members on each tribe. Easy peasey, right? Three to two, they can still bump off the Fang members and take their Kota Six straight on 'til morning. First, though, they have to go back to their respective camps, meaning Matty and Sugar are going back to the land of No Food. Crystal and Ken get to sample Bob's bench, and there's a good chance they won't starve to death between now and Day 39. After a little chit-chat, Marcus figures out that one of his best friends is Crystal's cousin Kevin. Small world! Does this mean he knows she's a gold-medal-winning Olympic track star? If so, he hides it well. Still, it seems to give him second thoughts about voting her out. "This is me, crumpling up my playbook and throwing it out the window." Hmmmm. Should an outside relationship (and a relatively distant one at that) really change the way you play the game?

Over at the Fang camp, Corinne and Charlie fail to hide their disdain for the conditions that greet them. Charlie's most concerned with solidifying his relationship with Corinne and Randy, fearing, apparently, that once back among the Fangers, Randy will…what? Realize that he's not an asshole after all and fall back in line with his old tribe? He's more likely to moon them and talk out his butt, Charlie. There's a lot of mistrust and whispered conversations as they try to figure out who's with who. Sugar and Matty's names come up, of course, with Matty the real target, since they don't know if Sugar has that pesky immunity idol. Matty opens Sugar's eyes to the dastardliness of the Ace blindside, explaining that Ken played her. Sugar cries about how badly she treated Ace, and how she wishes she could apologize to him. *eyeroll* Outwit, Sugar! Outplay! Outlast! Any of that ringing a bell? Jesus! They agree to have each other's backs, which will work great until one of their teeny little alliance of two gets their asses voted out.

Similar negotiations are taking place at Kota, with Marcus pulling strings here and there to see if anybody nibbles on his bait. He describes Susie as spinning in circles between him and Bob and Crystal and Ken, "Playing dizzybat." Dizzybat! I like that! Susie's reveling in her unexpected power position, particularly with regard to Marcus, who she doesn't seem to like because…well, I'm not really sure why she doesn't like him. What's not to like about Marcus? Anyway, she says, "I have the power to chop his head off." It's a pretty bloodthirsty group this go-round. Maybe they've been watching True Blood?

I don't know what happened to Matty's hair, but it's most unfortunate. He's got it slicked back like a low-level mob boss, or Pat Riley's cuter, younger brother. While he's off doing something, Randy suggests they lose the next Immunity Challenge on purpose so they can vote Matty out. Oh, man. This season might end up like the one with the troll and the soft-porn guy and that bitter, bitter woman, where they voted off everyone likeable and strong and were left with a bunch of nitwits and meanies. This is starting to feel a lot like that.

Hey, look, more tree mail! It's for an Immunity Challenge sponsored by Cialis! You think I'm kidding? Read the note: "If you can't keep it up, there is reason to worry. You may be the first to join the jury." If you can't keep it UP there's reason to WORRY? *facepalm* Okay, no woman in the history of ever would have written a clue like that. Men! And their penises! It's like that's all they ever think about!

It turns out there are no erections involved after all, which is probably a relief to Corinne, Crystal and Susie, since they'd be at something of a disadvantage, and perhaps Randy and Bob as well, since they're approaching A Certain Age. Given Charlie's affinity for Marcus, I'd lay odds on him winning the Erection Challenge, should they ever decide to offer one, though I'm not sure endurance would be his forte.

For the challenge, the tribe members stand with their arms outstretched, with long, hard poles sticking straight up against a horizontal bar above their heads. If they move, the poles will become dislodged and fall down, and they'll be out. The last person standing receives immunity for their whole tribe. In other words, the first tribe to have all its members drop its poles will be going to Tribal Council. Okay, there's still a plethora of phallic imagery with this sucker. It also heavily favors the men, since they tend to have better upper body strength in general. If it were a matter of balance or standing still, the women might have a better chance. As it is, Crystal loses her pole almost immediately, followed by Sugar ten seconds later. Susie quickly follows, then Ken. I'm telling you, this thing is rigged. Bob and Marcus remain for Kota; Charlie and Matty for Fang. Charlie's next out, then Marcus, so it's Bob and Matty duking it out. Matty loses one more thread of his sanity and starts laughing and poking at Bob while Jeff chides him to "stop jabbering and start concentrating." Yeah, we wouldn't want anyone to have any fun, Jeff. In the end, Bob drops his pole before Matty (he is older, after all), so Matty takes immunity for Fang, disappointing everyone except himself. Corinne sneers to Jeff that they're calling it "Fang" now, instead of "Fah-ng" because "Fah-ng" sucked donkey balls. Jeff's like, "Whatever. Idiots."

So who will be voted off Kota? Strong or weak? Marcus continues to blink in the face of his new "relationship" with Crystal's cousin thousands of miles away. It's the first real mental slip we've seen from Marcus, but it's a doozy. Susie smells the chum in the water and relishes her role as the decision-maker. She's still kind of a non-entity, except that she doesn't seem to play any role at all in challenges, and she does seem to help around camp. That's the sum of what I can tell you about Susie! Marcus tries to make a play to bring Crystal in as the sixth member of the Kota Six, replacing Susie, who he feels less sure of, saying first they'll have to vote out Ken, then Susie, but Crystal's unimpressed: "When you're talking about taking out my one ally just so you can get further in the game, I'm not pleased. At all." I think this is where Marcus screws up. I think he should have said, "Look. We're replacing Susie with you. We'll vote her out tonight, and slide you in her place." Then at least, he'd have shown Crystal that she could trust his word. As it is, she thinks he's telling her one thing and Susie another, which, of course, he is. Susie says she thinks she's staying with Marcus and the Kota members, but is confused.

At Tribal Council, Crystal shows her hand a little when she describes the camp as "corporate espionage," and says, "I wear my suit." Isn't the whole point of spying that you're stealthy about it? Ken and Marcus fuss over Ken's frustration with his place in the tribe, namely the fact that he's at the bottom of the ladder. Marcus deflects a lot of Ken's upset, staying calm and reasonable in the face of his discontent. I admire that, but then I'm not sitting there trying to decide if he's going to fuck me over to get one step closer to a million bucks. The vote ties up at 2-2, as expected, with Bob and Marcus voting for Ken and Crystal and Ken voting for Marcus. Who does Susie cast her lot with? The former Fang members, voting off Marcus in the second blind-side in as many Tribal Councils. I'm always bummed when the nice hot guys get voted out: I quit watching one season entirely when that cute FBI guy, Brady, got voted out. I'm not here for middle-aged women or jerks -- I see enough of them in real life. So, bye, Marcus. Charlie and I will miss you something fierce!