The Simpsons - "Dangerous Curves" (Episode 2005)

It's the Fourth of July weekend (I know, right? It's "The Simpsons," so just suspend any concept of time for a little while. Besides, this will be awesome when they rerun it over the summer!) The family is stuck in vacation traffic, but Homer is taken with the radio's "Shock Jock Talk Block" featuring a countdown of the top 500 wackiest radio sound effects of all time (#499 is the "boooing" soiund effect, in case you were wondering.) Bart says he can't listen to the show anymore and stuffs his ABC gum in his ears. Homer says "nobody shuts out my blather" and grabs for the gum, pulling out Bart's inner ear parts in the process. Ewww.

As the family makes its way down the road, Marge sees some hitchhikers and asks Homer to pick them up. Lisa thought Marge told her that all hitchers were "drug-crazed thrill seekers", but Marge corrected her, saying she thought they were "thrill-crazed drug seekers." Homer stops to pick up the pair, a young man and his girlfriend, Beatrice. They're young and in love, strapping themselves together under one seat belt. Homer asks Marge if they were ever that stupid. Marge reminds him of a day, 20 years earlier, when they were out on a bike ride. Homer suggested that he and marge "bike out" (a combination of biking and making out.) Marge reluctantly agrees, and the two smooch -  until Homer loses his balance and careens into a puddle of mud. Homer's bike is damaged from the incident and he pushes it down the side of the road alongside of Marge. Ned and Maude Flanders pull up beside them and offer them a lift (so, that's how they met.) Homer initially loved Ned (when telling them to put their bikes in his car, he said "Just like the elephant told the peanut vendor, throw those in my trunk.") Homer even loved Ned's rhyming. Maude asked Marge if she and Homer were engaged, or at least "engaged to be engaged." Ned was surprised that they weren't engaged, as they "were bicycling two abreast." Homer said "I wish, but we were bicycling to a lake." Ned told Homer and Marge that it was never too soon to join "the I Do Crew" and said that even thought it wasn't "all Jell-o with Cool whip" that it was worth all of the nagging and arguing, which Ned and Maude were already engaged in. You see, it was their wedding day, Marge and Homer were on their honeymoon. A shocked Homer asked Marge to "not marry" him and she gladly agreed and they kissed. Back in the present day, Homer told the young lovers in his car to quit their smooching ("How dare you expose my children to your tender feelings!") He tells Bart to keep his eyes on his video game (which was easy, because it was called "Cereal Killer" - the object of which was to knock off as many beloved cereal mascots as possible (like Cap'n Crunch, the Trix rabbit and Toucan Sam.) Bart's "cuckoo for killing stuff!" Homer is content, saying that video games were "the reason this generation of Americans is the best ever."

As the family drives by an SUV store closing (and having its "Thanks for Nothing" going out of business sale), we again flash back, but this time it's only five years earlier (when Homer had hair...yeah, like I said, just go with it.) Homer is being chastised by Patty and Selma for ruining yet another family picnic (it's okay to pee in the pool, but not from the diving board.) Homer had enough of his sister-in-laws' constant criticism and kicked them out of the car. Marge said that kicking them out was a bad thing to do because they had the map. Homer said it was alright because the needle on the compass was pointing east, which would have been fine if it were actually the compass and not the gas gauge. As they walked in search if gas, we were treated to the following exchange: Homer "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry." Marge: "You haven't said you're sorry." Homer: "I know, I was hoping the number might be zero." Homer and Marge found themselves at an opulent home, where a party was in full swing. The host of the party told them they could use the phone and invited them to stick around, because they had just put out the multi-colored cheeses. Marge agreed to stay for a moment but had to get back to the kids. Homer said she shouldn't worry, as Abe was babysitting. Bart and Lisa were tickle-torturing him to find out where the cookies were (of course, he forgot.) Back at the party, Homer was navigating through the crowd with a couple of drinks when he bumped into an attractive lady - who asked him if one of the drinks was for her. Homer told her, "Get two of your own.", which the lady mistakenly thought was a come-on. Clueless Homer doesn't realize the lady was hitting on him and she invites him to limbo (the dance, not "where all of the unbaptized babies go.") Marge finds Homer limbo-ing with a strange woman and is less-than-pleased. The two squabble and Homer says the new woman is more fun than Marge. Marge says if he feels that way, then she could have him and, as she turns to make a dramatic exit, falls into the pool. As Homer and his new lady friend start a sushi fight, Marge fumes and wishes she had never met him.

Back in the present, Homer and Marge drop the hitchers off at "Tongue-Kiss Point." Homer tells Marge in his trademark overly loud whisper that Beatrice is going to take her beau for a lot of money (and Beatrice looks like she's been found out.) Homer and marge then drive to the Kozy Kabins to continue their vacation. The kids think the log cabins, although they "hold special memories" for Homer and Marge, are lame - and even a pedal car can't even sweeten the deal (the kids compromise for $10, which Homer vows to steal back when they're sleeping.) Apparently, back in the day, Ned and Maude spent their honeymoon night at the Kabins. Homer and Marge weren't so lucky, as Ned put them up in separate rooms because they weren't yet married. Homer says he's got "urges" and Ned just says it's his "trouser devil" talking (Homer says it's actually yelling, but he's not winning that debate. Ned locks Marge and Homer in their separate rooms and enjoys a night of "passion" with his bride, who is wearing the least sexy flanner pjs ever. Homer utters "stupid Flanders" for the first time, while Marge tells her sisters that they've got nothing to worry about when it comes to Homer. They suspected he "was up to something" even though he was a "good for nothing" (and filed that insult away in a filing cabinet rapidly filling up with Homer insults.) Back at the swinging party ("five years ago") Homer is splashing in the pool with his new friend. The party host brings a clean, dry dress to Marge, who he finds crying in a cabana. He then takes Marge for a ride in his glider. Homer sees Marge fly over the house and is saddened, until his new friend Sylvia informs him that she's all the woman he needs. Marge's new wannabe paramour, Alberto takes her to the Kozy Kabins for a passionate encounter. Marge doesn't think it's a good idea, but Alberto tells her, "First we make love, then we decide if it was a good idea. That's the European way." Soon after, a supremely drunk Homer and Sylvia pull up. Homer sees Marge in a cabin window and calls out to her. Marge is shocked, but not as much as Alberto ("Why do married women always have husbands?") Alberto can't find anywhere to hide, but ultimately ducks into a cedar chest. Homer busts in and says that he was at the Kabins for the same reason Marge was, to rekindle their romance. They just can't seem to find a place where they won't be away from the people they really came to the Kabins with. Eventually, the chest ends up outside, with Alberto and Sylvia in it. No surprise, they hit it off in the confines of the box. Marge and Homer are ready for a night of sweet, sweet love, but Abe has different plands. He simply couldn't take care of the kids anymore and brought them to the Kabins. Abe - and soon after, the kids - pass out. Marge and Homer head out for a lakeside snuggle. Today, the snuggle has been replaced with some "Lakeside Boggle." Marge says they should unpack the car first. Homer attempts to unlatch the bungees holding their huge pile of luggage in place on top of the car and gets tangled up - making a huge Homer/luggage ball. Just then, Alberto, Sylvia and their daughter pull up to the Kabins, attempting to rekindle their romance. Homer and Marge run into the happy couple - and both are shocked to realize how they came to meet in the first place.

Bart, Lisa and Maggie are lost in the woods in the pedal car. They come upon the school bullies (reading the latest issue of Esquire magazine) and Lisa asks for directions. Bart doesn't appreciate her efforts and the two begin to squabble like a married couple. (This is kind of disturbing.) We're back to Ned's honeymoon. The day after being separated from marge, Ned and Homer are fishing. Ned asks Homer if he missed being with marge the night before and Homer admitted that he did (he missed her "like five times.") Ned suggested Homer take Marge for a walk and let what was in his heart for her pour out. Homer asks if Ned was going to spy on them. Ned said he had better things to do (not really - and Maude got in on the act by aiming a squirt gun filled with ice water on Homer's genitals ("I've got weiner lock.") Homer says he knows that he and Marge would be married "someday" and wants to carve their names into the tree they sat under for anyone who got lost in the woods in the future (too bad the tree was already covered in names.) Homer found a spot on the trunk and carved "Marge + Homer 4 Ever." The present-day Homer found the tree and hoped he could save their marriage by showing Marge the old carving. Marge found her hubby and told him he didn't need to pull the bark off the tree - their marriage could weather any storm - just like that tree. Sadly, the tree toppled over, suspending Homer over a raging river. Marge tried to rescue her husband, but they ended up hanging by the tree bark and rapidly headng toward the riuver together. Homer said parts of their marriage were based on lies, but so was religion and American history. Marge said they were human, but they loved each other. Their descent into the water was halted by the tree bark just in the nick of time - and just in time to hitch a ride with the kids in the "pedal boat" (Bart drove the car into the river.) Homer and Marge jumped into the back seat of the car and started smooching. Bart told them to "keep it PG," which Homer negotiated to a PG-13 (Woo hoo! Adult situations!")