True Blood: I Don't Wanna Know (Episode 110)

Recapper's Note: You may have noticed that we didn't post a True Blood recap last week. That's because Annie was so grossed out by the first few minutes of "Plaisir d'Amour" that she turned it off, and I was too busy working as a Comfort Captain for the Obama campaign to sub. [Hey, I figure if you can stomach blood porn, the stated presidential preference of a random recapper probably won't offend your sensibilities.] I'm not sure who True Blood's target demographic is supposed to be, but over the course of ten episodes, it's lost me. And that's a shame because I adore the Sookie Stackhouse books. I buy them in hard cover, for crying out loud. I've re-read several multiple times, and I have pimp copies in paperback to help lure friends to the joys of Sookie and her crazy band of vamps, shifters, and things that go bump in the night. The show, though…man, the show seems so thrilled that it's allowed to show voluminous blood-letting and gratuitous sex that that's all it does, and that was never more true than in "Plaisir d'Amour." Did anyone enjoy seeing Sookie get soaked in that come shot of Longshadow's puked-up deathblood? And if you did, should we worry about you? I spent the remainder of the episode trying to get those images out of my head and fast-forwarding through Jason and Amy's creeptacular new porno, The Little Mermaid Does Bon Temps. I know Alan Ball can do better: the first season of Six Feet Under was stellar television, and he was smart enough to cast Alex Skarsgard, but there's not enough Eric in the world to make up for the crap that went across my screen last week. HBO and Alan, you've already committed to a second season for the show. My advice? Sexy up the sex, tone down the blood, and give Alexander Skarsgard more to do. LOTS more.

So much for last week. *shakes it off*

"LIFE IS JUST GETTING TOO WEIRD TOO FAST" -- Some of Bon Temps best-kept secrets start bleeding out, changing the course of one relationship after another, including Sam and Sookie, Tara and that creepy witch doctor Miss Jeanette, and Jason and Amy. Let's take them one at a time, shall we?

When you're worried about a serial killer with a history of sucking and fucking his victims, waking up to the sight of a "buck naked" Sam when you laid down with Doggy Dean is bound to be something of a shock. Fearing he's there to kill her, Sookie makes a mad dash for the safety of …the curtained shower…*facepalm*…then gets an eyeful when Sam appears before her as Dean, then morphs into Sam. Cool! He says, "I'm not a murderer; I'm a shapeshifter. Sookie's incredulous response? "Shut the fuck up." Hee! Sookie learns that in addition to the already-out vampires, there are shapeshifters, werewolves ("dangerous, nasty creatures") and "more than you can imagine" else lurking out there in the woods. He also tells her there are at least 10,000 'shifters out there in the world, it's a hereditary condition, and he can turn into just about anything, including a cat and a bird, "but flying is hard." Well, that's bound to knock the stuffing out of you a little bit; I'll give Sookie some leeway on absorbing one shock after another. But by the time Sookie cold shoulders Sam for the umpteenth time in the episode when he tries to dance with her at Rene and Arlene's engagement party, I'm ready to shake her so hard the gap in her teeth closes. Once you've opened the door of your consciousness to vamps, why would you be surprised about anything else? And though she huffs that she doesn't pretend to be something she's not, and that her real beef with him is that he kept it a secret from her, she also had a grandmother who embraced her otherness, while Sam's parents packed up their house and moved one day while Sam was at school after he hit puberty and turned into a beagle on the front lawn. To add insult to injury, they left his room just as it was, unmade bed and all. Given that, it's no wonder Sam plays the shapeshifter card a little close to his chest -- Sookie is the first person he's ever told, and in return, she shit all over him. Andy Bellefleur ups the secret ante when he reveals to Sam that he's found no record of Sam's existence before he moved to Bon Temps -- no credit cards, no tax records, no driver's license, nothing. Hmmmmm…

"LET THE DEMON DESTROY ITSELF" -- Speaking of people who may not be whom they seem to be…Tara forks over borrowed eight hundred smackers she borrowed from Sam to Miss Jeanette and goes through with her "exorcism." The ritual involves witch doctor spit and angelica root, leading to copious stomach cramps, vomiting and hallucinations of herself as a little girl, who she proceeds to stab violently. Wow, symbolism much? Miss Jeanette makes a fuss about how demons travel via technology, including cell phones. Tara happily goes home to Lettie Mae (who's still off the sauce), and announces, "It worked!" This leads to celebratory sucking of crawdad heads by the mother-daughter duo, necessitating a stop at the pharmacy to get some Pepto. Tara thinks she recognizes the pharmacy worker, a nice lady named Nancy…OMG, it's Miss Jeanette! She's a total shyster! Tara rips off her wig and lays into her until Miss Jeanette confesses that she actually gave Tara syrup of ipecac and a little peyote. Tara accepts this news calmly, realizes she controls her own destiny, and joins MoveOn.org so she can be the change she wants to see in the world. Oh, no, she doesn't, really. Instead, she blows up, gussies herself up in her 2000 prom dress for the engagement party, and proceeds to get sauced off her gourd. Because she knows how well alcohol solves problems! Sam, who I think you'll agree is generally the most patient of men, gets up in her face a little bit about how they all have demons inside them, not just Tara. She leaves the party in a huff and drives off drunkenly, crashing by the side of the road when she swerves to avoid…is that a hog? And a naked woman? Good God, is that Michelle Forbes? I've hated her since she played Sonny Wells on Guiding Light.

The demolition of the character of Tara bugs the shit out of me. Did she really need to get falling-down drunk for any of that to happen? For her to come on to Sam, or for her to swerve in the dark on a lonely road? The women in this episode don't come off very well: Sookie's full of sanctimonious shit for much of the time, Tara falls down a bottle, and Amy we'll get to in a bit, but trust me, there's no good going on there, either. It's like they're little paper dolls that Alan Ball dresses up and poses here and there, and it seems more and more telling that the only wholly positive female character we've seen -- Adele Stackhouse -- bit it in bloody disarray early on.

The men aren't much better, frankly -- Bill, Jason, Hoyt, Terry and Sam are all occasionally likeable, but also have unappealing weak streaks. And what about Rene? Who until now has seemed like a great guy, who Arlene describes as "solid to his foundations"? Well, I've got a bad feeling about him, and it's not just because he tells Jason that men need to maintain the "upper hand" in relationships. Maybe I'll be wrong, but when Sookie leaves the party to go back to Merlottes for more ice, gets attacked, and hides in the kitchen in a scene pulled almost frame for frame from the velociraptor attack in Jurassic Park, the dark sleeve of the attacker's shirt bears a strong resemblance to what our dear Rene was wearing earlier. Phooey! I don't want him to be the killer!

"I AM AN ORGANIC VEGAN AND MY CARBON FOOTPRINT IS MINISCULE" -- Maybe so, Amy, maybe so, but you're still a frigging nutjob. While draining poor Eddie down in the basement, Amy finds a stash of empty Tru Blood bottles, and learns that Eddie and Jason have been talking about her behind her back. She tries to take the moral high ground, but ends up sounding even more batshit crazy than usual. Eddie says that Jason will never forgive her if she kills him. "He's not as evolved as you are," he says. Amy answers sadly, "I know."

Rather than confront Jason head on, she suggests that they work on creating some Stockholm Syndrome in Eddie and keep him around the house. "Like a pet," Jason says, nodding. Amy takes it a step further, saying they can go backpacking with Eddie and travel the world; all they need is "boots and a map." Jason's totally down with that. "Snowboard naked!" he says. Oh, Jason, you dumb fuck. Tensions increase when Jason learns that Amy and Eddie have been talking behind his back, leading to the "I think I've lost the upper hand in my relationship" talk at the engagement party. Rene's "Take it back" resonates with Jason, and he tries to get forceful with Amy, marching down to the basement and working on the bonds holding Eddie to the chair. When Amy interferes, he pushes her away physically, saying they need to let Eddie go. So what does Amy do? She grabs a two-by-four, and rather than whump Jason upside the head with it, which 1) he deserves, and 2) would preserve their V supply, she stakes poor Eddie right through the heart. I'm going to assume there's more gratuitous bloody puke, but I didn't need to learn the lesson twice: I closed my eyes until I knew the scene changed. UGH. And what the hell, Amy? Your crust of sanity is crumbling, girl. When you make Jason Stackhouse look like a bastion of virtue and reason, you are one fucked-up organic vegan.

Oh, and Lafayette totally knows that Jason had something to do with Eddie's disappearance…somehow. I never did figure out what he saw at Eddie's house that led Lafayette back to Jason, but he confronts him at the engagement party and rips him a new one. "My supplier's fucking missing," he spits. He points out all the dead bodies piling up around the oblivious Jason, then says, "I ain't gonna be next, bitch." Oooh, Lafayette's rattled. Jason, of course, wrinkles his forehead and wonders how Lafayette can call him a "bitch" when he's obviously a "son-of-a-bitch."

"BACK YOUR SHIT DOWN" -- While the humans are wrecking their lives in one way or another back in town, Bill's facing the vampire music at the Tribunal to determine his punishment for killing Longshadow. The Magister, who presides from a lawn chair in the back of a pick-up truck, shows he means business by ordering an underling to yank out the fangs of the vamp on trial before Bill. That vampire's crime? He fed from another vamp's human. Oh, don't worry about him -- his fangs will grow back in about three months. Bill, though, Bill you might want to worry about. Has there ever been an undead bloodsucker with less sense of self-preservation and more misguided sense of honor than William Compton? Even now, facing an inquisition-trained Magister, he's still defending his actions in choosing Sookie over Longshadow. Stupid, stupid, stupid. "You chose a human over a higher life form," the Magister says, when the vampire community considers itself under siege, and its numbers are dropping.

Eric, off to the side, looks like he's balancing on some high wire in the circus, keeping his balance best he can in the face of Bill's ridiculously poor judgment and social intelligence and the hammer-down approach of the Magister. When Bill points out that the only reason Sookie was there at all was because Eric called her, Eric agrees that he did so, "To protect my wealth. She is…valuable." The Magister says to Bill, "You seem to be obedient to your Sheriff." Eric again agrees: "For the most part," he says, glancing at Bill. Then he adds to the Magister, "When it matters, he is." He steers the Magister toward the fact that Longshadow was a liar and a thief, which was bad for Eric's business. Now that the Magister can understand.

Like I said, this is a delicate balance for Eric. If he lets Bill get away with this touchy-feeling human-loving crap, Eric looks like he can't control his vampires. On the other hand, he does seem to find Sookie valuable, and he knows Bill is his best route to her. For a thousand-year-old vampire to come to any degree of defense of Bill shows me that he's working in his own best interests, and why not? Wouldn't you? When the Magister -- obviously a powerful figure in the vamp community -- spends as much time as he did dismissing humans as food at best and slaves at worst, for Bill to continue to pound away at his mainstreaming theme is just…stupid. He owes a big old debt to Eric for smoothing the way: left to his own devices, Bill would be looking at five years chained in a coffin as punishment. As it is, given Bill's love for humans, the Magister comes up with something more creative: Bill has to make his first vampire, a young woman who only leaves her house to go to youth choir and prayer group, who the vamps throw out of the trunk of a car. "You owe us a life," the Magister says. The girl's scared to death, and rightfully so. Bill agrees reluctantly to his punishment and tries to glamour the girl, but the Magister stops that nonsense, too. Nice try with the whole "I'll be gentle while I turn you into a blood-sucking fiend," Bill, but it doesn't work. She's well aware of what's happening when he fangs out and savages her neck, while the crowd pulses in around him. Gee, I wonder what Sookie Self-Righteous Stackhouse will think of him now?