Supernatural: I Know What You Did Last Summer (Episode 409)

DO NOT WANT 

After the LONGEST MOTHERFUCKING INTRO EVER we join a young woman in a psychiatric hospital.  A psychiatrist asks her if she knows why she’s there.  The girl, Anna, seems a bit out of it, but she insists that she’s not crazy and that she was simply trying to warn the world that the apocalypse is coming.  Um, not the best thing to tell the doctor if you’re looking to get out anytime soon.  She continues anyway, recapping the Lilith and the 66 seals of DOOM saga until she is interrupted by the sound of whispers.  The doctor, who cannot hear the whispers and clearly thinks that Anna is batshit, tries to get the girl back on track.  Turns out that there are actually about 600 seals, of which Lilith only has to break 66, and no one knows exactly which ones she’s going to go after.  “That’s why the angels are losing,” Anna says.  “That’s why we’re all going to die.”  On that happy note, we transition to later in the day, when an orderly enters the room to give her her meds. Looks like she’s got the same demon recognition ability that Dean had briefly last season, since she freaks out when she sees the possessed orderly’s face.  She moves a chest of drawers with her mind, knocking the demon unconscious, and flees the hospital.

WINGS.  TITLE.

Sam and Dean are in a random bar, hustling the patrons at pool.  Sam’s pretending to be drunk and has set himself up for a $500 pot, but he sees Ruby sitting across the room and quickly abandons the game.  She informs him that Anna escaped from the hospital the day before, and that there are demonic orders to capture her alive.  Sam’s willing to check it out, but Dean is livid that they’re even in the same building with Ruby.  Oh, just you wait my friend.  This is not going to be a fun episode for you.

Despite Dean’s resistance, the boys head out to the hospital.  Dean’s still quite vocal about his feelings for Ruby and the fact that she and Sam are suddenly biffles.  He wants Sam to tell him exactly what happened between the two of the them while he was in Hell, but Sam spins the issue right back on him and says that if Dean won’t talk about his time in Hell then he shouldn’t have to talk about anything either.  Sam, you asshole, that’s not even CLOSE to being the same thing!  Dean doesn’t want to talk about the unimaginable tortures he suffered for an equivalent of 40 years in Hell time.  I don’t care how upset you were, nothing you went through can possibly compare to that.

As it turns out, Sam was very, very upset.  We flash back to six months ago.  Sam is burying a summoning box at a crossroads with one hand and taking long drags from a bottle of liquor with the other.  He’s very drunk and very pissed, and screams into the night until a deal-making demon appears.  It’s a dude this time, which is a cool change a great casting move, because this actor is awesome.  Sam staggers over to him and puts Ruby’s knife on a table (because what crossroads doesn’t come equipped with a handy-dandy table!), saying that he’s not going to play any tricks.  He just wants to deal.  The demon saunters over to the table and leans in before he refuses to deal, and Sam drives Ruby’s knife through his hand.  “I don’t want ten years. I don’t want one year.  I don’t want candy!  I just want to trade places with Dean!” Sam snarls.  When the demon still refuses, Sam screams, “Just take me! Lilith wants me dead.  Just let Dean go and she can have me!”  Goddamn, but this is heartbreaking.  The demon continues to turn Sam down, saying that they have Dean right where they want him, and that Sam can kill him and that fact won’t change.  Sam realizes that his plan won’t work, and the flashback ends.  Present Sam is still in the Impala with Dean, looking like someone just kicked his puppy.  And I hope you enjoyed that, folks, because it’s one of the few decent scenes in the episode.

The boys arrive at the hospital and question the doctor we saw earlier.  She tells them that Anna was completely normal and happy two months ago, but she quickly developed the deluded belief that demons were everywhere.  This woman is tragically uninformed on certain subjects, such the existence of demons and the art of touching up her roots.  She shows the boys Anna’s sketchpad, which contains drawings of stained glass windows, the raising of the witnesses, and the arrival of Samhain.  Clearly, the girl’s not as crazy as everyone thinks.

Sam and Dean drive over to Anna’s parent’s house and find the door unlocked.  When they enter they find per parents dead on the floor, their throats slit.  There’s sulfur near the bodies, meaning that this was a demonic execution.  They look around the room and find a picture of a church with a window just like the one in Anna’s sketchpad.  Since it’s clearly a place of importance to her, they suspect she might be there and head out.

They get to the church at find Anna hiding in a corner.  Sam says that they won’t hurt her and tells her his name.  “Sam?” she asks.  “Not Sam Winchester?” He confirms, and Anna immerges from her hiding place.  “And you’re Dean,” she says.  “The Dean?”  Anna’s a fangirl, y’all!  She approaches Dean, who is just tickled to have a “the” put in front of his name, and tells him that the angels talk about him all the time.  “Some of them think you can help save us,” she says with wonder, like she’s looking upon a saint.  “And some of them don’t like you at all,” she says to Sam.  Bummer.  They boys ask if Anna talks to angels, and she cutely insists that they probably aren’t even aware of her existence.  She just overhears them a lot.  She also tells them that the voices started on September 18, the same day that Dean got out of Hell.  “First words I heard,” she tells them, “clear as a bell: ‘Dean Winchester is saved.’”  This all explains why the demons want Anna; once they have her, they'll be able to know exactly what the angels are planning.

Anna manages to stop smiling at Dean for a moment and ask if the boys know how her parents are doing.  They’re spared from answering the question when Ruby bursts into the room, though Anna is terrified of her demon face.  Ruby says that a big-wig demon is on the way and that they have to leave, but Dean doesn’t believe her until a stature of Mary starts crying bloody tears.  Sam tells Anna to hide in a closet and prepared to fight off the demon, but Ruby insists that he’ll have to use his powers if they want to get out of this alive.  The door flies open and a middle-aged demon walks into the room.  When Sam tries to use his mojo on him, the demon’s eyes go white and he simply coughs as if clearing his throat.  “That tickles,” he says, unaffected by Sam’s powers, and telekinetically throws Sam down a flight of stairs.  Dean goes after the demon with the knife while Ruby gets Anna out of the closet and takes her out of the church.

The demon knocks the knife out of Dean’s hands and starts punching him in the face.  “Don’t you recognize me?” he taunts.  “Oh, I forgot, I’m wearing a pediatrician.”  Ha!  This demon is awesome. He continues, telling Dean how they were basically BFF’s in Hell.  “Alastair,” Dean says after a few more punches, terror filling his eyes.  Finally, Sam gets his ass back up the stairs and stabs Alastair through the heart with the knife.  It sparks and crackles like always, but doesn’t kill the demon.  He doubles over and pulls it out, giving Sam and Dean just enough time to jump out of a window.  Wait, what?  Why the fuck did they do that?  They could have just run past Alastair when he was busy with the knife and gone down the stairs instead of jumping out of a TWO FUCKING STORY WINDOW.  Stop trying to be a James Bond movie, show.

Back at the motel, Sam and Dean are quite a bit worse for wear; Sam has to stitch up a nasty wound on his arm before popping Dean’s dislocated shoulder back into its socket.  They lament the loss of the knife and Dean worries for Anna’s safety.  Sam, on the other hand, is convinced that she is perfectly fine with Ruby.  He wants to wait for her to contact them, since Alastair is probably watching them in hopes that they’ll lead him to Anna.  Dean once again insists that Sam tell him why he trusts Ruby so much, and Sam finally admits that she saved his life.  We then get yet another flashback to six months ago.  Sam is stumbling drunkenly through the hallway of a motel, presumably after his failed attempts to deal with the crossroads demon.  As soon as he enters his room, he’s ambushed by two demons.  One of them is blonde, and for a precious moment there I thought Katie Cassidy had come back to us.  The demon is Ruby, but she’s possessing a different blonde.  “Thanks for keeping this warm for me,” she says as she grabs her knife from Sam’s pocket.  She tells Sam that Lilith sent her back to Hell, but then gave her one last chance to show her loyalty by killing Sam. “Go ahead, do it!” Sam says, practically stepping into the knife, but at the last second Ruby plunges the weapon into the other demon instead.

Ruby forces Sam out of the motel room and they drive off in the Impala.  “You know what sounds good?” she asks.  “French fries.”  God, why couldn’t we have kept this girl, huh?  She plays Ruby much closer to the snarky character that she was last season and she’s about a million times more talented than Genevieve Cortese.  Anyway, Ruby tells Sam that she went through a ton of shit to get back to him, and that she deserves a thank you.  “I’m a fugitive for you, Sam,” she says, and just please shut the fuck up right now.  What is this, an epic love story or something?  You’re a demon, Ruby!  Stop being such a goddamn martyr.  Thankfully, Sam doesn’t care about Ruby’s undying devotion, and flat out asks her if she can help him save Dean.  When she says no, he pulls the Impala over and tells her to get out.  She starts to protest and he asks her who she’s possessing, and then tells her to let the woman go or he’ll send her back to Hell.  Cut over to a hospital, where doctors are taking a Jane Doe (aka Genevieve Cortese) off of life support.  Well, isn’t that fucking convenient.  She’s dead AND she has no family, so all potential moral complications are null and void!  The doctors start to pronounce her when she sits up, and mother of God, Genevieve can’t even do THAT convincingly.  “Who do I have to kill to get thome french frieth around her?” she lisps, and the doctor’s stare at her in shock.

Sam sits in a crappy abandoned house, cleaning his weapons.  There’s a knock on the door, and he opens it to find Ruby with an official document saying that the body was dead before she possessed it.  This seems to satisfy Sam, who lets her in.  And let me tell you guys, Sam looks like absolute shit.  He’s also at least a little bit drunk right now.  Ruby reiterates that she can’t help him save Dean, but she can help him kill Lilith.  She wants him to use his psychic powers, and instead of resisting like she expected he readily agrees.  He’s desperate and in pain and willing to do anything she asks, which includes being patient and staying sober.  He doesn’t look too pleased at the prospect of giving up his perpetual intoxication, but he resigns to do what Ruby says.

Unfortunately, managing his powers isn’t as easy as he’d hoped.  A bit later, Sam and Ruby have got a demon tied up inside a devil’s trap so Sam can practice exorcizing with his mind.  He starts to pull the demon smoke out of the body—making epic constipation faces all the while—before the pain in his head forces him to stop.  He tries again, this time getting the smoke out a little bit more, but eventually his nose starts bleeding and he has to stop again.  The demon laughs at Sam, and Ruby defends her boyfriend’s honor by driving the knife through the thing’s skull.  After they dispose of the innocent man’s body that they just killed needlessly clean up the mess, Sam washes some pain pills down with alcohol.  That is a very important note because, to stomach what happens next, it’s best to believe that Sam is intoxicated.  Ruby tries to comfort Sam, more about Dean’s death than his exorcism failure.  He’s not having any of it.  “Where do you get off slapping me with that greeting card, time heals crap?  What the hell do you know?” he asks angrily.  She gently reminds him that she was once human, too.  “I know what it’th like to lothe thomeone,” she says, and FUCK. NO.  I have always hated this “Ruby remembers what it’s like to be human so she’s so good and blah blah blah” shit, but I seriously can’t take it anymore.  What the FUCK makes Ruby so special? Every single person who goes to Hell eventually loses all of their humanity, including good people like Dean, but she was down there for centuries and still has feelings?  She still cares about puppies and rainbows and saving the world?  It doesn’t make any sense!  Having a character defy expectations is one thing, but Ruby completely and totally goes against everything the show has told us for the past four seasons.  Ruby had better have some sort of a hidden agenda, Kripke, or I will bring my wrath down upon your bald, bald head.

ANYWAY, Ruby keeps trying to comfort Sam, this time by getting all up in his personal space.  She tells him he’s not alone, and then crashes her face into his for a very ungraceful kiss.  Sam quickly pushes her away and goes to sit on the couch in the next room, thoroughly disgusted.  Keep fighting the good fight, Sam. Don’t give in!  She kneels in front him, asking him if he’s resistant because of the body she’s possessing.  “Because I already told you, it’s all me inside of here.  And it’s nice inside this body, Sam.”  Oh, God, I think I just threw up in my mouth.  This seduction is the unsexiest thing I have ever seen in my life, and I once got asked out via calculator, so I know from unsexy.  She keeps grinding up against him until he finally grabs her face and…MY EYES!  SWEET JESUS, IT BURNS!  This is just…no.  This shit is NOT happening.  They’re just…they’re…THEY’RE JUST BAKING CUPCAKES, GUYS!  Yes, that’s it!  They’re baking completely platonic, unsexy, necrophilia-free cupcakes, and the network is accidentally picking up the signal from Soapnet, so we can’t see their innocent and necrophilia-free baking shenanigans.  This is really just a completely and totally unrelated scene from General Hospital that IN NO WAY INVOLVES SAM HAVING SEX WITH A DEMON.  NOT EVEN A LITTLE.

Dean interrupts this flashback that IN NO WAY INVOLVES SAM HAVING SEX WITH A DEMON, NOT EVEN A LITTLE by saying that Sam is sharing “too much information.”  I have literally never loved Dean more than I do right now. He still doesn’t think Ruby’s all that great, because “so far all you’ve told me about is a manipulative bitch that screwed baked cupcakes with you, played mind games with you, and did everything in the book to get you to go bad.”  Sam insists that there’s more to the story, and says that soon after the bake-off he heard that Lilith was in town.  We get yet another flashback, this time to five months ago.  Sam is preparing to go after Lilith, and Ruby is telling him that he’s not ready.  Suddenly, she realizes that Sam want to attack immediately because he doesn’t want to survive the encounter. He denies it, but she knows she’s right.  “It’th the truth, becauthe if you kill her and you thurvive thith, then you have to go on without your brother!”  She blocks his exit, saying that “thith ithn’t what Dean would have wanted.  Thith ithn’t what he died for!”  Sam finally snaps and physically removes her from his path, holding her off with the knife until he’s out of the door.

Sam walks up an average, suburban street.  He looks into the window of a house and sees a little girl sitting at a table, surrounded by cupcakes.  I’m not even lying; there really ARE cupcakes on the table.  See, I told you guys that Sam and Ruby were just baking!  Sam walks into the house and tries to sneak up on the girl.  Suddenly she turns around, and whimpers that she wants to go home.  Two demons attack Sam, saying that “Lilith sends regrets that she couldn’t make it.”  Sam has dropped the knife, and it looks like one of the demons is going to choke him to death when Ruby rides to the rescue.  She grabs the knife and quickly kills one of the demons, and tells Sam to get the girl out while she fights off the other one.  The demon promptly starts kicking the crap out of her, because this version of Ruby is a piss-poor fighter.  I’d wax poetic about how good Katie was in hand-to-hand combat, but there’s really no point.  Just when it looks like Ruby’s going back to Hell, Sam and his constipation-esque exorcism face return.  It takes quite a bit of effort, but Sam manages to send the demon back to Hell; thus he successfully uses his powers for the first time to save his beloved.  I want to die.

The flashback ends, and Sam explains to Dean that Ruby managed to get through to him.  “What she said to me, it’s what you would have said,” he says.  “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her.”  Dean is trying to process this information and I am trying to figure out why Sam's shirt is no longer covered in blood when there's a knock at the door.  When Dean opens it a maid quickly walks in and closes the curtains before giving Sam an address.  She says that she and Anna are at the address in question, and that the boys need to get there immediately.  “Ruby?” Sam asks, and the maid says “Okay, yeah, so I’m possessing this maid for a hot minute.  Sue me.”  God, why couldn’t we have kept this girl?  This maid is awesome!  She leaves, and Sam and Dean head out.

When they get to the cabin Ruby told them about, the demon is back in her usual body and Anna is unharmed.  Dean tries to apologize to Ruby for how he’s treated her, but he physically cannot get the words out.  Anna asks if she can call her parents, and Sam finally has to tell her that they’ve been killed.  She bends in half, sobbing, and then suddenly straightens up with a look of terror on her face.  “They’re coming!” she says, and the boys herd her into the back room and prepare to fight off demons.  YOU IDIOTS!  She hears angels, guys!  Why the flying fuck would you think that she’d know demons were coming for her?  GAWD, this episode is giving me a migraine.  Anyway, about two seconds later the door burst open and Castiel and Uriel enter the room.  Uriel gives Ruby the stink eye, and asks the boys if “[they] want to explain why [they] have that stain in the room?” Awesome.  Castiel says that they’ve come for Anna, and the boys immediately get suspicious.  They want to know if the angels plan on helping her.  “No,” Castiel says evenly.  “She has to die.”  Sam and Dean stare at the angels in horror until the screen fades to the words “to be continued."

NEXT WEEK: Dean gets freaky with Anna.  Well, that’s certainly a lot less nauseating than anything that happened this week.