Numb3rs: Charlie Don't Surf (Episode 507)

We begin with a bunch of lunatics who nearly drown just to look cool.  I believe the technical term is “surfer.”  If you’re a surfer and I’ve just offended you, I’m sorry.  Okay, I’m not really since surfing is diametrically opposed to my very important life philosophy of not dying.  If the media has taught me anything, surfing can only lead to bad things.  First, it can lead to cheese.   Later, it might lead to becoming involved with all sorts of drugs or the enjoyment of sand in all the wrong places.  Eventually, you could change your speech patterns so that every other word is “dude!”  Finally, you might start acting like Keanu Reeves.

Enough said.  Therefore, when the local ranger, Nathan Watts, while listening to a radio broadcast which says “stay out of the water OR DIE” (well, that’s what it sums up to) declares them all “idiots.” I have to agree.

There’s a photographer hanging around taking pictures of all the would-be Bruce food and I figure he’s going to play a big role in this later on.  I was totally wrong, and the only important thing he does is pull the body of a surfer – Nathan Watts, out of the water.

After some studious research, a phrase which here means I googled, I found out that the guy playing the corpse of Nathan Watts is supposedly some sort of big name surfer dude.  I’d be impressed, but I don’t know anything about surfing other than a certainty I’d kill myself on the first attempt to ride a wave – even if it was one of those tiny ones that barely ripple onto the shore.  While I may not be suitably impressed, I’m sure someone is but, despite my lack of interest, I can see some advantages in hiring a professional surfer.

La Maison D’Eppes:  While I’m wondering why some guy, who died surfing, called other surfers “idiots” we flip to the victim’s grieving father – who is being comforted by Alan.  The father (Keith) claims his son wasn’t a daredevil and while I hate to pick on a (fictional) grieving man, his definition of “daredevil” and mine is clearly not from the same dictionary.  

The brothers Eppes arrive, and both hug Keith in comfort.  This must be some big tragedy as that’s way more hugging in this eppesode than in the entire first season.

A lot of discussion ensues about how Nathan was afraid to jump of the high board, while both brothers were probably all “cannonball!” with oodles of enthusiasm.  Okay, Don jumped with oodles of enthusiasm.  Charlie probably calculated the best method of entry to ensure the biggest splash, just to show up his big brother.  I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong.

In fact, Nathan was so impressed that Charlie could jump from the high board that he told Charlie that the young mathematician, had balls.  Okay, Charlie doesn’t say it like that, but probably because Stephen Colbert, would instinctually know that someone, other than himself, was referred to as having balls.  Then we’d wind up with an entire half hour on Comedy Central like this:

On second thought, this may not be a bad thing.  Most of the things on this list probably make perfect sense, but why is Emilio Estevez included?  He directed an eppesode and not once was the great sport of hockey, or the obvious choice for the team to be named in this eppesode, referenced.  Emilio Estevez fails at hilarious meta, no matter how sneaky he is at pulling a Hitchcock.

Again, I’m confused with how a “thing for big waves” is neither a “death wish” nor one of many “stupid chances.”  Honestly, that sentence does not compute in my brain, but the father is grieving so I have to forgive him.  He also brings up all the people his son arrested on the Channel Islands, prompting the whole purpose of this scene.  Alan asks Don to look over the file.

IHOF:  Cue Colby-fanboying and an extremely obscure continuity reference!  Colby completely fanboys Nathan Watts, by being impressed Don grew up with him, to all his surfing techniques, to admitting to reading surfing magazines about our victim.  I would also like to point out that Colby wisely decides to no irritate Stephen Colbert either, by using the phrase “large cajones.” I don’t know whether or not Esteban Colberto is upset.

As for the extremely obscure continuity reference, Colby’s love of surfing, (he gives us a tale about learning while in the forces) was last brought up in “Rampage.”  Let me correct myself. Any mention of Colby and surfing in the same sentence was way back in “Rampage.”  This is either a big coincidence of TPTB are trying to kill me with continuity, thus avoiding ever having to give me my shout out, world peace, or pony.  (Since I knew this was coming – this is the reason the pair of them are at the top of the On Notice Board.)

Back to this eppesode, Colby notices that the surfboard’s leash is tied to the wrong foot.  He knows because “there was this famous shot of him pig-dogging this back side rail grab drop up on the left at Madison.”  This proves that something is afoot (pun intended) and it’s the first moment I’ve seriously considered quitting my duties here as a loyal recapper.

Title Flash.  Recapper Brain Crash.

Channel Islands: Rosencrantz, sans Guildenstern, is interviewing another park ranger – Cameron Wilson.  With a name like Cameron Wilson, all can think is if the character is named after two people on House, he must really love Nathan Watts – or really hate him.  I’m not entirely sure sometimes if Cameron or Wilson know how they really feel, but enough digression about a slashtastic show I don’t cover.

Cameron Wilson throws the blame the same place the father did – at people Nathan arrested.  According to Cameron Wilson, some of those people didn’t really deserve to be arrested.  On the basis of that statement alone – when a law enforcement officer thinks people shouldn’t be arrested, I think someone needs to discuss different career options.

Besides the obvious red herring, we get one clue where Guildenstern might be while this interview is taking place.

IHOF:  The most dangerous people that Nathan arrested are otter killers.  Yes, people who kill anthropomorphic characters from Wind in the Willows or Redwall are the most dangerous.

The otter killers are killers by default, because, technically, they prefer the term urchin divers.  If that isn’t a euphemism for something, it should be.

Charlie arrives, insisting he can find out where Nathan drowned.  

While all this is fine and good, when Don heads off to interview Melissa Conroy – surf instructor and bikini model – I swear it’d better be because Colby would be unable to keep a coherent thought in his head, not because of anything that might threaten my OTP.

Beach:  Keith is suffering from survivor’s guilt as he regrets teaching his son how to surf.  After Keith divorced his wife, Nathan became more daring with his surfing, which totally flies in the face of the whole being in control thing earlier. I think that swimming out on days that would make Keith crap his pants was more a cry for attention than any form of extra skill.  Divorce papers tend not to bequeath special skills – just everything else.

Now that I’ve snarked the specifics, let me be honest about what this whole situation is really about.  It’s all about the relationship between parents and their children.  I’ve summed up the truth of the situation in the screncap below.

 
Channel Islands:  Nikki and Colby are discussing how sea otters are both endangered and completely adorable, despite their habit of eating up the urchin divers’ profits.

In a moment reminiscent of last week, the Fedcakes don’t wait for the red herring baddies to dock their boat (unlike park their car) before asking to talk to them.  Therefore, the red herring baddies have a chance to get away, but they didn’t count on one thing.

I’ve missed Super!Colby!  We saw Super!David a while ago, and it’s nice to know that even though Rosencrantz and Guildenstern may not always be together, they can still be superheroes without their trusty sidekicks.

More proof that Colby is really a superhero comes with his ability to run, fly and snark – all without sounding out of breath.  “Thanks for running.  It’s easier to tell who’s guilty that way.”

Beach:  I’m all ready to sharpen my claws in defense of my OTP, but the way Don looks at her she might as well be wearing sackcloth.  I take a huge sigh of relief and focus on the plot.  She doesn’t really give away much, other than Nathan’s appearance in a big wave riding documentary and that poachers must be the bad guys.  She also comments on how she wanted different things in life than Nathan.  He was willing to live as a ranger and surf when he wanted.  She’s an attention whore.  Okay, so perhaps I’m summarizing in a biased way.

IHOF:  We get a whole scene dedicated to the urchin diver’s interrogation by Nikki and Colby.  It leads to nothing, as the urchin diver was celebrating his wife’s birthday and he isn’t crazy enough to go out when he swells can KILL YOU.  So this week’s red herring is out of the way and I wonder why two Fedcakes are needed to interview someone whose main dealings are with rodents and the sea’s version of a tribble.

As the pair reveals the fruitlessness of their labours, Charlie reveals that the “science behind fried grasshoppers” (Colby’s technical term) is the same as determining where the currents are.  Hold on; are we onto our second math concept and no Charlie-vision?  Huh?  

The closest we get to any form of vision with a cool visual, is the map of the swells’ heights and Colby explaining what the heights are.  I’m confused by both the lack of a Charlie-vision and this pseudo Colby-vision.  

Now that we have all the surfing speak for waves, my only question is – what the hell are they clenching?  Do I want to know?

Since Charlie can’t identify where Nathan was, he needs a more hands on approach.  I enthusiastically volunteer but I don’t think we’re using the same working definition.

Lab:  David gets a whole bunch of information from someone who is not Claudia, so I choose to ignore her.  Plus, all this scene tells us is that Nathan was hit first with a kayak paddle and then the surfboard.  This dude was having a bad day.

Channel Islands:  Charlie’s idea of a hands-on approach is to take Colby, Nikki and a boatload (literally) of sensors out to investigate the currents.  The problem is that all the sensors tell him is that Nathan drowned in a place that didn’t even have waves.  I guess they don’t know about the paddle-whack because then it would make a lot more sense.

IHOF:  Colby’s dug up some blatant use of a special guest star and a very Hitchcock moment film footage from the documentary that was mentioned earlier.  In it, Nathan talks about how he rarely goes out to the most popular place on the Channel Islands anymore and how he had a run-in with another surfer, Pat, a while back over breaking some laws.  I bet I know what the Fedcakes are thinking.

Demonstrating his mastery of the skills taught to him by Rosencrantz, Guildenstern has already found out where Pat works and that he was nowhere he could be photographed on the day Nathan was killed.

SERIOUS CHARACTER SHIFT ALERT:  Don makes a strange comment about Nathan getting paid to do what he loved.  What’s strange about it is the envy in his voice.  Don, you aren’t having doubts about being a Fedcake are you?  You know who could help you with this crisis: Robin.  

Surf Shop:  Colby and Nikki have interview Pat where Pat gives us the surfer’s code: help everyone, even if you hate their guts.  Yeah, right.  Both Pat and his partner have alibis so this scene would be superfluous if the partner didn’t look so obviously guilty.  

Anyway, Nikki tries to impress the surfers (Pat and his shifty looking partner) by using the term “Clench Time,” only to be called on it.  The sheer awkwardness of this moment wins Nikki the NPAL™ of the week.  I’m sure she’ll cherish it forever or at least for her run on this show.

Cal Sci:  To be honest, I have no idea what is gong on in this scene.  We start with, Larry and Charlie talking about the speed of sound, light and waves, only to move onto Larry comparing his search for the cosmic to Charlie’s search for the criminal.  Essentially, it sums up to Larry pulling out two wetsuits, and suggesting they go do some practical research into surfing.  Hold on, if that happens, wouldn’t that make the title of this eppesode a lie?

While I understand the words, I just don’t get the connection from point A to point B.  It seems more like point A to point 17.

La Maison d’Eppes:  Alan’s trying to distract Keith from the investigation by focusing on happier memories, like Keith’s trip with Nathan to Baja.  The two fathers remember when their sons beat them at something.  For Keith, Nathan was a better surfer when he was 16.  For Alan, Charlie was a better chess player at 4.  Don, at 11, thought his father sucked as a pitcher.

Don reminds Keith of Nathan because both sons are fearless.  While I don’t know enough about Nathan to say otherwise, I can assure you Don isn’t fearless.  Hello?  Fear of commitment?  Four seasons of Don checking his watch when he’s pretending he’s not nervous?  Alan and Keith may have missed it, but I certainly haven’t.

The two fathers aren’t fearless either.  Keith’s afraid that he could’ve done something to save his son.  Alan’s afraid because Don gets “shot at every week.”  In short, they’re afraid they’re helpless when it comes to the safety of their sons.

Beach:  Charlie picked the wrong suit, put it on backwards and now finds himself floating in the ocean with Larry.  While it provides us with a great deal of humour, watching Charlie shuffle around the beach as if the suit is too tight in the wrong spots, it also gives Charlie a chance to play Archimedes.  Just like Larry did two year and a half years ago, Charlie has a eureka moment while contemplating in water.  If Nathan wasn’t surfing where he’d always surfed in the past, perhaps he found a better spot.  Okay, maybe not, but I wish Charlie did otherwise there isn’t much purpose in this scene other than rabid Charlie fangirls getting screencaps of Charlie in a wetsuit.

IHOF:  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and showing Cameron Wilson and Don the criminal past of Pat the Surfer.  Apparently, he was part of a pot-growing operation and now there’s some buzz about pot in the Channel Islands.  I’ll try to work up some shock.  I’ll let you know when I find it.

Surf Shop:  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern head off only to find the store close.  Somehow, I think the owners have gone to visit their good friend, Mary Jane.  When they head around back, they find a bunch of pot to be bagged and sold, only to nearly get run over by Pat and his shifty-looking partner, who are on motorbikes.  Just like every bad guy who karma is going to bite in the ass later, Pat gets away and pops a wheelie in celebration.  As for the shifty looking partner, he gets caught when David hits him with the door, causing a “Gnarly wipe out.”  Colby response, though perfectly valid, is delivered with the right level of WTFness to make it bloody hilarious.

IHOF:  You know I’ve loved having the majority of this eppesode be outdoors, because at least I can see all the scenes.  When we’re inside, say, interrogation, I can barely see David with the shifty looking partner.  At least I can hear them, as the partner admits they ripped off a farm on the Channel Islands and that Pat was out there the day Nathan died.
Later, they discuss the problem of pot being grown on state land, and Charlie can help by using his shiny new security clearance, and coordinate with Homeland Security who has some sort of cool pot finding machine.  All right, Charlie’s explanation is much more technical, but I like the idea of some governmental version of a pot divining rod.

Don, being the great boss he is, lets Rosencrantz and Guildenstern fight an epic battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors over who gets to go interview Melissa Bikini Model Conroy again.  David loses and accuses Colby of cheating.  Thus, we get yet another mathematical concept without the use of a Charlie-vision as he starts explaining the best way to win, until he decides to keep his strategies to himself.  He claims it’s in case he needs to “throw down” with Colby or David.  Uh, Charlie, throwing down with either of them is either seriously dangerous for your health, or obscure fanfiction.

La Maison d’Eppes:  Keith does not take any questioning about Nathan and drugs very well.  Usually, I’d get irritated but the man is grieving so I forgive him.  Plus, he feels like he couldn’t protect his son in life so he’s trying to protect him in death.

Cal Sci:  Charlie’s only found large areas where there might be pot, but nothing else.  When Larry suggests not surfing again, and compares their earlier water activities to that of buoys, Charlie has a flash, and half an audience vision.  Whatever Charlie writes on the board elicits a “dude” from Larry, so it must be significant.

Beach:  Nikki’s gone with Colby, just to make sure he doesn’t get sand on his tongue as he watches the bikini model give surfing lessons.  It involves some jumping around and the phrase “If you stop at your knees like this, you’ll never get all the way up” so Colby’s day is made.

Melissa claims to know nothing about any pot farms; the problem is the Fedcakes never said the words “pot farms.”

La Maison d’Eppes:  Alan is watching the film of Nathan.  He talks about his love of surfing and how he got over the fear of big waves due to his father.  He credits his father with teaching him not only how to surf but also how to learn from his mistakes.  Charlie, who comes downstairs in the middle of this, watches how his father appreciates what Nathan says.  They say nothing to each other, but it’s clear the relationship Nathan describes on the screen is the same as the one between the brothers Eppes and their father.

IHOF:  I guess the conversation earlier between Larry and Charlie about light waves and ocean waves being similar, as well as the buoys comment, allowed Charlie to find the pot farms.  It also allowed Charlie the chance to find something else.

I would also like to add that while I’ve been warming to Nikki the last few weeks, I’m grateful that she looks as confused by Charlie’s explanation as I am.  I’m glad I’m not alone considering my ego took a big hit when Colby sounded more intelligent than me earlier.

Warning, the following scene may cause fangirls’ heads to explode.

Channel Islands: The most dangerous thing at the pot farm is not the gun, or other such booby traps.  Sure, David, Nikki and Colby are able to overcome these, only to find the corpse of Pat the Surfer. It’s not the impressive way Nikki is able to keep up with the guys and I love my show for giving me first Terry, then Megan (*sniff*) and now Nikki -- none of whom are damsels in distress.  No, it’s the extended exposure to something previously unseen in action: Colby in camo.  If you heard a Numb3rs fan screaming excessively on Friday night, it was probably due to this.  Yes, I have a screencap of it, but please, read the disclaimer.

With Pat the Surfer they also find his surfboard.  Why this is a clue, I don’t know but they’re off to see the board’s maker.

Hagen’s Surfboards:  Just as Pat the Surfer tried to mix business (pot-stealing) with pleasure (surfing) so does Colby.  While finding out that the surfboard at the crime scene was made for Cameron Wilson, Ranger, Killer and dual House-lover namesake, Colby also puts in an order for his own board.  

IHOF:  Charlie’s found another spot, a better spot, where Nathan would surf.  It’s small, so he’d have it to himself but it took him right through the area where he died.  Even though Cameron Wilson is hiding, he would make one last trip to make sure he had a big enough stash for being on the run.  Charlie’s able to find not only the biggest swells, but also the safest place to come ashore.

Safe Place / Open Water:  In a chase more reminiscent of CSI: Miami – just without David Caruso and his sunglasses of justice – after Cameron Wilson gets the dope, the Fedcakes try to cut him off as he makes his escape on a jet ski. He ignores all warning to stop, thus the Fedcakes must take drastic action.

Since this isn’t CSI: Miami where the bad guy is shot and then eulogized by some obvious statement like “This bad man brought it on himself,” Don can’t kill Cameron Wilson.  On the other hand, he can shoot him with a bean bag.  My first reaction, even though Charlie and I share the same opinion on using guns, is I want one.  No squirrel would ever steal from my birdfeeder again!

IHOF:  We go from the beautiful (aka bright sunny day) to the practically opaque darkness of the interrogation room.  I’m glad it’s relatively short, because my eyes can’t adjust to the darkness.  Plus, Cameron Wilson saves himself from being hit with the full force of the law (as opposed to the full force of a bean bag) by trading something.  Pat the Surfer wasn’t the one that killed Nathan and neither did Cameron Wilson.

Beach: And the award to the dumbest criminal thus far this season goes to Melissa Conroy!  If she hadn’t mentioned the one thing she shouldn’t have known about, she might’ve gotten away with it.  Not only didn’t she shut up earlier, but also she wants to explain her reasoning now.  She was upset that Nathan arrested her for trying to run some pot.  Melissa figured that since they were so close once, Nathan would forgive her.  I wonder if this is the same logic she used when she whacked him in the head with a paddle.

Warning, the following scene may cause fangirls’ heads to explode again, if they haven’t already.

Later, Colby, Don and Charlie, resplendent in wetsuits, are going surfing.

There’s a moment when Larry says he wants to feel “the raw power of waves free of all accoutrements, that I’m suddenly afraid we’re going to go the way of NYPD Blue.

Instead of being naked, Larry muses about Timothy Leary’s opinions on surfing, which, after much googling, I’ve been unable to find a site to link to that explains it.  Suffice it to say, Leary though surfers were gnarly, dude, and yes, I said that.  Colby counters with a quote from Bodie in Point Break.   That’s the Colby I know.

Surprisingly, my favourite moment of this scene is neither the wetsuits nor the banter.  Nope, it’s that this eppesode’s title doesn’t lie.  Within a second of entering the water, Charlie loses his board.  Seriously, rewatch that moment and try not to laugh.

La Maison d’Eppes:  Alan is showing the surfing documentary to Keith, specifically the part where Nathan credits his father for both teaching him, and, in one instance, teaching him the skills that saved his life.  It was the advice given to Nathan at Baja that gave Keith the opportunity to have many more years with his son.  

Thus both fathers learn that what they teach their sons will stay with them.  It’s a lesson as valuable for Alan as it was for Keith.