SMALLVILLE: BRIDE (EPISODE 810)

Feste asked me to step into her recapping shoes again this week, claiming some sort of snafu with her cable company. However, I think she wanted to avoid writing about the dreadful monster that has come to Smallville to take over and destroy what has been, for the most part, a surprisingly strong season.

That's right. I'm talking about... Lana Lang. She is the true portent of capital-D-Doom here, people. Make no mistake.

In a home video, an offscreen voice asks Lois and Clark, both dressed quite fetchingly in formal wear, to "be yourselves... and speak from the heart." They each look at the camera as they talk, and their wishes for the newlyweds can be boiled down to a quote apiece.
Clark: "Chloe, Jimmy, I can't tell you how happy I am the two of you found each other."
Lois: "Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy."

A glitch of the camera, and we are in Cloverfield ... I mean, the Kent barn. The Original Fortress of Solitude has been "transformed" (flowers, decorations, guests) into the site of Chloe and Jimmy's nuptials. I wish I were kidding. One of my cousins had his wedding reception at a hometown auction barn, and it was beyond awesome. But neither Chloe nor Jimmy is the farm type. Anyway, Jimmy smiles as the amateur videographer pans from him over to Clark and Chloe walking down the stairs.

Cold comfort to any Chlarkers out there...

They are beaming and beautiful as the familiar strings of Pachelbel's Canon in D major play. I might have allowed myself to get sentimental if Clark hadn't mindwiped Chloe just last week. Also, where in the hell is Gabe Sullivan, Chloe's dad? He's never mentioned at all, which isn't like this show; usually there's at least one line of clunky exposition for the absence of a major character.

Camera glitch. Jimmy and Chloe are pronounced husband and wife. They kiss, and Jimmy dips Chloe. I admit it is fairly adorable. Glitch. Lois announces the newlyweds. I really like Chloe's dress, except for the odd bow-thing in the middle of her stomach. Get me a pair of scissors! Glitch. Jimmy and Chloe cut the cake, which looks to have at least an inch of hardened frosting on it. A noise startles Chloe, who looks up and says, "What was that?" the lights flicker. Glitch. Screams in the darkness. People running. A shadowy creature. Explosions. Glitch. The camera is now stationary on the ground as Chloe leans over a supine Jimmy, pleading. Something approaches. She turns and screams. Glitch. It carries her toward the camera. Static. Credits.

Curlicue script reads "Eight Hours Earlier." In the barn, two extras are putting up a large disco ball Lex must have left behind. Lois orders workers around her to turn "this little heifer house" into a chapel of love. In between noncute talk via Bluetooth (and walkie talkie) about fairy tale code names, Lois gives the videocamera to Jimmy's buddy and meets up with the groom himself, who is carrying Clark's tux. Jimmy is jittery about seeing Chloe before the ceremony, but not about the marriage itself. He also starts playing matchmaker for Lois and Clark. Something about tadpoles and hopping Clark's lily pad and flirtation 101. Lois must really have it bad because she listens to this tripe.

Cloverfield cam. Jimmy forgot his bowtie at the Talon apartment, and he walks in on Chloe, wearing a stunning penoir penoir set, tying on her garter.

Hey cowboy, indeed. Ride 'em, cowgirl!

Jimmy's jaw drops and he puts his hand over his own eyes before telling the cameraman to cut. Jimmy worries about bad luck, and Chloe reassures him. "Our love has weathered federal arrests, and heart-attack-inducing kisses, and a freakazoid bout of amnesia." As Jimmy grabs his bowtie, Chloe checks her phone and listens to a message from Davis. Cloverfield cam returns as Chloe lies Lois was on the phone. During all of this, Chloe never bothers to close her robe. Perhaps Jor-El also removed her memories of modesty.

Kent kitchen. Clark finds a troubled Oliver —yay! Ollie! — who tells him that Lex is alive. Ollie has been tracking e-mail to Tess from ghost routers that are popping up "all over the globe." When Ollie gets to each location, the hardware is missing. Oddly enough, Clark figures out on his own that Oliver wants him to grab the router next time Lex sends an e-mail. Clark refuses to abandon Chloe on her wedding day, and he tells Oliver that Jor-El didn't restore the memories of Krypton and Clark's abilities. Ollie warns Clark that Lex is still dangerous. "Chloe may not know your secret anymore. But Lex still does." C'mon boys, don't just stand there! Kiss or fight!

Queen Industries jet. Sadly, Oliver isn't surrounded by bimbos. He's reading the information Tess gave him about Lionel killing Ollie's parents. Whoosh. Clark brings in the router, and notices the file. He gets dickishly righteous about Ollie's quest for vengeance, and lectures that Oliver can't punish the son for sins of the father blah blah. Then he earnestly shares that after Pa Kent died, Clark almost went over that line himself. He won't let Ollie make the same mistake. "The truth is, I'm going after Lex for you," Ollie insists. Clark doesn't buy it. He will take the router hostage until after the wedding so that Clark and Oliver can go find Lex together. Clark zooms off. A frustrated Ollie hits the table as a henchman comes in and calms him down. "Wifi. I downloaded the info while you two were having that lover's spat." See? Even this guy knows how the wind blows. Ahem.

Matrimonial barn. Upstairs, Chloe stands in her wedding dress. Lois, still in street clothes, shares a moment with her cousin before Chloe's phone rings. It's Davis, so Chloe doesn't pick up. She admits that Davis kissed her last week and told her he didn't want her to marry the wrong guy. But all Chloe wants is to marry Jimmy. She has something old, something new, and something blue. She needs something borrowed, so she starts rummaging through Clark's desk drawers. Clark appears just as Chloe opens a box of Kryptonite. Oops. Clark, keeping his distance, says he has a better idea. He opens a yearbook and pulls out a flattened boutonnière, which I immediately know is from the Spring Formal their freshman year, and I am not made of stone, y'all.

Gratuitous flashback to spring 2002: check out Clark's boutonnière!

Clark must have temporary amnesia or something, because he says it's from their freshman year homecoming dance, which Chloe attended with Pete. Chloe, touched, can't believe Clark kept the flower all this time. Clark severely harshes my buzz as he smiles, "I never throw away good memories." No, you just RIP THEM FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND'S MIND WITHOUT HER CONSENT. No, I'm not getting over that any time soon. Lois is impressed with Clark's sentimentality. Chloe tucks the flower into her bouquet as Lois and Clark "vamoose" to get dressed.

Alquízar, Cuba. As Green Arrow, Ollie sneaks through a darkened factory. He takes aim at a bald, shadowy figure and fires. Goodbye, Lex? For some unfathomable reason, OLIVER REMOVES HIS SUNGLASSES and walks over to investigate his handiwork, which turns out to be... a mannequin with the note "Sorry I missed you" attached. From behind, an attacker kicks Ollie in the middle of his back. He tries to counter, but his opponent is clearly the best fighter in the whole wide world and knocks him down. He turns, his cowl down and secret identify exposed. "Oliver Queen?" an annoying voice queries. Yeah. It's Lana.

I'm badass now. See? I have bangs!

After a bit of banter about who knows more, Lana spits out, "We both know that two hours ago, more than 430,000 megagigs of LuthorCorp RAM and ethernet cables were running through this place." Oh, Lord. I thought we had escaped Lana Is Perfection At Everything after Al and Miles were sacked. Lana isn't sure Lex is alive. "Just because the king dies doesn't mean the entire empire crumbles overnight." GAH. She claims to be doing this to protect Clark, and as Green Arrow, Ollie should be better than "this." Ollie, who was obviously dosed with the Lana Kool-Aid, says she sounds like Clark. DOUBLE GAH. She thinks everyone should try to be more like Clark. And you know what would be the most like Clark? Crashing a friend's wedding at the last minute and ruining your ex's life! Lana at first refuses to go, claiming "It's too complicated." Ollie convinces her and offers a ride. Luckily for the viewing audience, not that kind of ride.

At the Kent house, Clark and Lois ogle each other for a bit—Clark being very obvious in his up-and-down perusal of Ms. Lane—before he admits he can't manage his cufflinks. Lois offers a lesson. "You just have to make sure this part sticks up straight, and then it slides right in." D'oh!

Wait, are we still talking about cufflinks here?

She hands him Chloe's ring and Jimmy's wedding vows. During a tight shot of Lois, we hear Clark offscreen. "It's really hard to put my feelings into words..." Lois turns around joyously, but obvs Clark is only reading Jimmy's vows. He notices her reaction, and wrinkles his forehead a bit. That means he's thinking. The videographer from the teaser interrupts the tension just in time.

Davis, covered in and surrounded by blood, wipes down the interior cab of an ambulance as he leaves another panicked voicemail for Chloe. The Foley fellas add a great squelching noise as he lifts up two garbage bags full of blood and whatnot and then heaves them into a Dumpster. A security guard investigates. He sees blood on the pavement and opens the bin. He pulls a gun on Davis, but before he can call the cops, a sweaty and heavy breathing Davis begins to transform. Uh oh! He warns the guard twice but it's too late. CRUNCH. Mmmm.... Canadian day player.

Wedding reception. Chloe and Jimmy kiss and dance, and then Chloe motions to Clark. "Let's boogie," she says cutely. The tinkly piano music makes it sound as if they are at Nordstorm. He says she's the best friend he's ever had, and she chides him for using the past tense. She'll never forget him. She feels as if she had been carrying a weight, but in the last few days she has let go and can move on. Sigh. So now Clark will feel vindicated? Boo. Jimmy cuts in, and as the disco ball kicks in, Clark grabs Lois for a slow dance. A saxophone joins the store's holiday band as the two sway. Hell, at least it's better than Lifehouse. Or Remy Zero.

Tom Welling and Erica Durance sell the hell out of this next scene, by the way, especially Erica. Clark looks at Lois as if seeing her for the first time. She intially can't believe it, but looks hopeful as she places her hand on his chest. There's more staring, as they slooooooooooowly move in for the kill. The instant before their lips meet, of course, Lana cockblocks the consummation with her arrival. The saxophone wails hilariously and melodramatically.

Kent porch. Lois grabs a bottle of champagne and starts swilling. Oliver appears and offers sympathy. Unfortunately, not the kind we want him to. Then again, Lois and Oliver are exes. Isn't this wedding a perfect opportunity for a one-off? No? But he looks like THIS.

Ollie, Ollie, are you free?

And she looks like THIS.

Yeah, I'm hot. What of it?

Just talk then, you two. He offers to be a really good friend. Lois takes him up on it and spills her feelings. They snuck up on her, and she tried to ignore them, but she can't. She thought for a minute someone needed her. Ollie says he knows Clark needs her. Lois is surprised because she didn't mention Clark's name.

OH NO. IT'S HERE. DOOMSDAY. ANOTHER CLARK/LANA SCENE IN THE BARN, TALKING ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But first, Lana reads this text message: "Did the archer believe you?" I believe I care little to nothing about what Lana's backstory is for her five-episode stint. Just hurry up and get off my screen. I like her dress, though. Her hair, on the other hand... it's as if she's rebelling against being forced to wear it straight and one length for all those seasons. Clark could have used some warning of her appearance. She's been reading about Clark's Metropolis rescues. She's proud of him. Her leaving was the hardest thing she had to do, but she's glad she did. She used to sit on her front porch and imagine a summer wedding in the Kent barn. I call bullshit. Clark tells her about Chloe's mindwipe. Lana breathes, "I understood the lies you told me to protect your identity. But I could never forgive you for taking that away from me." I... agree with Lana? How it pains me to type those words! Clark doesn't believe her, but then he realizes, "That's it." For the 9,264,023,875,437th time, Clark and Lana are over. There's more to this conversation, but we've seen it all before. And will again.

Reception. Jimmy and Chloe cut the cake. The punchbowl makes like Jurassic Park and then Doomsday literally crashes the party. He falls through the roof and Lana is flung aside. After she assures Clark she's fine. Clark runs through the stampede of frightened guests. Clark throws a punch but Doomsday catches his fist and flings Clark through the barn to the upper level, right next to the Kryptonite Chloe had earlier. Oh noes!Lana starts stumbling up the stairs as the videographer is attacked. The camera, still filming, rests on its side. Jimmy stands in front of Chloe and hits Doomsday with a plank of wood. Not the best move, as Doomsday first chokes Jimmy and then sort of backclaws him across the chest. A spray of blood, and Jimmy is on the ground. Chloe pleads with him to stay with her, but them Doomsday approaches. He touches her face and rumbles, "Chloe." She screams.

I agree, Chloe: a new episode of "One Tree Hill" IS utterly terrifying!

Lana finally makes her way to Clark and shuts the Kryptonite in the lead box. But it's too late. Chloe's gone.

At the hospital, Clark checks on Lana. She is fine and doesn't need him to stay. Clark and Oliver are going to work together to find Chloe. In the hallway, a teary Lois tells Clark she is going with Jimmy, who is being medivacked to Star City. She'll wait to hear from Chloe. Her voice breaks as she wonders why all these terrible things happen around them, and Clark pulls her into a tight hug. He promises he'll find Chloe.

And now, a montage! Lois walks away from Clark, with one last lingering look back. Lana sits as a doctor sews up her injured leg. Lois walks behind Jimmy's gurney. At the blacked, blinged out, Brainaicked Fortress of Solitude, Doomsday puts Chloe on the same slab she was on last week. Her eyes turn black and shiny, and she smiles creepily. And then we see someone watching the wedding footage we saw in the teaser. Hey, it's a naked bald man with wires and tubes going into his head and body. Wonder who that is.

If only we had a clue as to the identity of this mystery guest...

Smallville and Feste both return in January 2009. Happy hiatus, everyone!