Supernatural: Heaven and Hell (Episode 410)

Can someone please get this man an Emmy?

Dear Show,

You are SO FUCKING LUCKY that you have Jensen Ackles on your payroll.

No love,
Gemma

What the hell?!  This was the best season!  THE BEST!  What exactly were the writers smoking when they came up with the last two episodes?  Sure, there were some good parts, but this was overdone and inconsistent at best.  This show is better than that.

THEN:  Anna could hear angels.  A demon named Alastair wanted to kidnap her, and he apparently knows Dean from down in the pit.  Castiel and Uriel came for Anna, but they want to kill her rather than help her.  Everyone caught up?

NOW:  Dean and Sam are none too happy with the angels for wanting to kill Anna.  Castiel says that she’s not innocent like they think she is, and Uriel insists that she’s even worse than Ruby.  Uriel, NOBODY is worse than Ruby.  As expected, the boys refuse to give Anna up, and a fight ensues.  Uriel throws Ruby across the room, so Dean attacks him.  Oh Dean, not you too!  Uriel quickly gets the upper hand, punching Dean repeatedly and saying “I’ve been waiting for this.”  Sam tries to stop Castiel but the angel drops him like a sack of potatoes with that forehead-touching trick of his.  Suddenly, bright light flashes around the room, and Castiel and Uriel are sucked away.  Dean quickly helps Ruby up instead of Sam (*facepalm*) and they all go to check on Anna.  They find her covered in blood from a self-inflicted cut on her arm.   She’s drawn all sorts of symbols on a mirror with the blood in order to send the angels away.  “It just popped into my head,” she says shakily.  “I don’t know how I did it; I just did.”

WINGS.  TITLES.

The boys briefly discuss their situation while Ruby tends to Anna’s arm.  They decide that they need to find out more about Anna, so Sam leaves to do some research.  Dean and Ruby take Anna to Bobby’s Panic Room of Perpetual Awesomeness so that the angels won’t be able to find her when they return from “the outfield.”  That was my FAVORITE movie as a kid, you guys! For that reference, I forgive Dean for defending Ruby’s honor a minute ago.  But this is a onetime only thing, Buddy, so don’t do it again. Though Ruby can’t enter the room (which she finds racist and I find oh so satisfying), she gives Dean and Anna hex bags that will prevent both angels and demons from finding them.  Anna says that the angels are quiet, and no one is really sure if that’s a good sign or a bad sign.  They hear Sam arrive upstairs, so Dean goes to meet him after telling Ruby to keep an eye on Anna.  Because he apparently trusts her now.  Gag me.

It would seem that Bobby is in the Dominican, either for work or for pleasure, and is therefore not in this episode.  Sam has Anna’s file, and the only interesting info it yields is that her recent psych episode wasn’t her first.  At the age of 2 ½, “she’d get hysterical every time her dad got close.  She was convinced that he wasn’t her real daddy.”  She was also convinced that her real father was furious with her and wanted to kill her.  After seeing a child psychiatrist she got over her issues and was completely normal until recently.  Anna walks in on their conversation and is pretty pissed that they didn’t just ask her what they want to know.  Um, okay, even though you’ve already stated that you have no idea why you can hear angels or why this is happening to you in general.  But yeah, you totally have the right to get pissed that they went to another source to find out what you told them you didn’t know.  Logic fail, Anna.  Anyway, the boys come up with an idea to help Anna remember what happened during her first psychotic break.  They bring in Pamela, the now-blind psychic that we met in “Lazarus Rising.”  She’s wearing shades and briefly pretends to be completely disoriented by her blindness before smacking Sam on the ass and saying that she has “more senses than most people.”  You know, Pamela tries a little too hard to be cool sometimes, but I have to give her credit for not being all emo about losing her vision.  Life gave her lemons and now she’s squirting them at people with eyes.

They go back into the Panic Room of Perpetual Awesomeness.  Anna lies on one of the beds while Pamela counts backwards from five, as this is apparently an adequate way to hypnotize someone.  Once she’s under, Pamela asks Anna how she worked the blood spell, but the girl still doesn’t know.  When Pamela asks Anna who her father is, she says Mr. Milton’s name.  Pamela tells her to look back to her childhood to find the answer.   Anna grows more and more agitated until she arches off of the bed, screaming.  The lights in the room explode and Pamela finally counts up to five, bringing Anna out of the hypnosis.  She wakes up, completely calm, and thanks Pamela for hypnotizing her.  “I remember now,” she says stoically.  “I’m an angel.”

Everyone gathers in Bobby’s living room while Anna serves up a heapin’ helping of back story.  Way back in the day, she was Castiel and Uriel’s boss.  They want to kill her now because she disobeyed, “which for [angels] is about the worst thing you can do.”  And how exactly did she disobey?  By falling to Earth, of course! She ripped out her grace, which is roughly akin to “cutting out your kidney with a butter knife,” and fell, becoming human in the process.  Since both Heaven and Hell desperately want Anna, and will eventually find her, the only way she can protect herself is by finding her grace and becoming an angel once again.  The only problem is that she lost track of it when she was falling, because angels actually physically fall.  “Like the way a human eye could see?” Sam asks.  “Like a comet?”  Oh my God show, please don’t take it there.  I already saw this happen once on Charmed and once was enough.

Of course, show never listens to me.  Sam pulls out a bunch of reference books and tells Ruby about a comet that passed over Anna’s home state of Ohio in 1985, nine months before she was born.  Another comet passed over Kentucky at the same time, and is presumably Anna’s grace.  I sincerely hope that Sam researched all this and didn’t just happen to know about the comets.  Ruby is frustrated by the enormity of their task and apologizes to Sam for bringing him into this “Godzilla versus Mothra” showdown.  You know what, we should start a drinking game; one shot for every time Ruby makes me want to die.  So far we’re about four shots behind in this episode.  Anyway, Ruby says that their primary concern should be dealing with Alastair, who is “practically the grand inquisitor downstairs.”  She insists that Sam couldn’t exorcize him because his abilities have gotten sloppy and that he knows what he has to do to tone them up.  “I’m not doing that anymore,” Sam says with finality, though neither of them clarifies exactly what “that” is.

On that vague note, we transition to the junk yard.  It’s night, and Dean meets Anna after driving Pamela home.  He asks her why the angels saved him, but she says that they’re not talking about that.  Then we get into the heavy stuff; he asks her why she would ever want to be human, and lists some of the bad experiences and emotions people have to suffer.  Anna counters by listing some of the good, from love to chocolate cake to sex.  While Dean thinks that “feelings are overrated,” Anna asserts that they are what makes everything worth it, and that she’s give anything to be able to stay human.  Angels have no choices, no free will, and are killed if they don’t show blind obedience.  Moreover, only four angels have every actually seen God, so they have to have faith just like humans.  She talks about being forced to obey a father she didn’t understand, and Dean can’t help but relate.

Sam calls them in from the yard to tell them about a lead he’s found.  In Munich, Kentucky, an empty field spontaneous sprouted a full grown oak tree in 1985.  This could very well be where Anna’s grace fell, since it would bring “pure creation” rather than destruction.  I take back what I said earlier; this show isn’t Charmed, it’s Fern Gully.

So two brothers, an angel, and a demon walk into a bar get into the Impala and drive to Kentucky.  It’s a bad joke waiting to happen and, yup! Dean can’t help but take it there.  When they finally get to Fern Gully and see the tree, Anna is sure that this is where her grace fell.  She walks up to it, touches the trunk and, tree whisperer that she is, she immediately determines that her grace is not there.  “Someone took it,” the tree tells her, and everyone is disappointed by the lameness this setback.

The four of them convene in a barn and talk strategy.  Suddenly Anna tells them to STFU because the angels are talking.  “It’s weird, like a recording, a loop,” she tells them.  “It says, ‘Dean Winchester gives us Anna before midnight or we hurl him back to damnation.’”  Dean is so not happy about this.  Neither is Sam, who asks Anna if there are any weapons they can use to kill angels.  She says that they won’t be able to find anything like that in time, and just like that the group is without a plan of action.

A bit later, Dean is reading a map or something by the Impala when Anna comes out to talk to him.  She thanks him for trying to help her, and he tells her not to talk like they’re giving up.  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be saved,” Anna says, since disobedience is the angelic equivalent of “murder one,” but Dean tells her that everybody does things they regret.  And here comes the interesting part; Anna says that she heard the angels talking about what Dean did in Hell.  “It wasn’t your fault,” she tells him gently.  “You should forgive yourself.”  Dean shakily tells her that he can’t talk about it, and she simply says that when he can he has people (read: Sam) who will help him.  She leans in and kisses him because it’s her last night on Earth, and you can’t really blame her for wanting to spend it with Dean.  Some corny ‘70s music starts playing, ushering us into the cheesiest and most G-rated sex scene I have ever seen in my life.  With the exception of one mind blowingly gorgeous shot of Jensen’s back (at which my roommate sprang up from doing her homework and screamed “LOOK AT HIS BACK!”), it’s actually boring.  And WTF Anna, why are you still wearing your bra?!  Don’t you know that when you make skin-to-skin contact with Dean Winchester all undergarments spontaneously burst into flames?  As if that wasn’t unsexy enough, the scene ends with a shot of Anna’s hand slamming up against the foggy Impala window a la Titanic.  My reaction to this is much the same as my reaction to Ashley Simpson and Pete Wentz naming their son Bronx Mogali: DEAR GOD, WHY?!

Back in the barn, Ruby watches Sam lovingly while he sleeps.  She then sneaks out to a crossroads and burns her hex bag.  Alastair appears immediately, still wielding her knife and inexplicably doing a really annoying Brando impression.  Was his voice like that in the last episode?  In any case, Ruby says that she only came here to make a deal with him.  And see, this is where I had a beautiful, glimmering moment of hope that Ruby really does have an agenda of her own, and that she was going to sell the boys out.  But alas, such hope is foolish.  Ruby says that she’ll deliver Anna to Alastair if she and the Winchesters are allowed to walk away unscathed.  Alastair seems to consider the deal for a moment before two demons come out of nowhere and grab Ruby.  This doesn’t look good for her.

Having finished with the sexing, Dean goes into the barn and finds Uriel.  He immediately concludes that he’s dreaming, since his hex bag still prevents Uriel from finding him.  Castiel doesn’t know that Uriel’s there, since he actually likes Dean.  Aw, that so cute!  Dean tries to lie and says that Anna got her grace back, but it turns out that Uriel was the one who stole it.  He pulls out a necklace from under his shirt and the grace glows brilliantly inside a vile.  Once again I am forced to take something back, because this show just went from being Fern Gully to being The Lord of the Rings.  Frodo Uriel refuses to give Anna Galadriel’s light her grace because he believes she must be punished for her disobedience.  When Dean still refuses to give her up, Uriel somehow figures out that he and Anna did the nasty.  “What do you care?” Dean asks.  “You’re junkless down there, right?  Like a Ken doll?”  Heh.  These two have a really great dynamic, which often happens when interesting characters are combined with talented actors.  I know; it’s a mind blowing concept.  Anyway, Dean thinks that the angels are bluffing about sending him back to Hell, but Uriel assures him that “[he] can be replaced.”  Because he is a Big Damn Hero, Dean tells Uriel to go ahead and do it, and Uriel realizes that he’s serious.  “What can I say, I don’t break easy,” Dean tells him.  “Oh yes you do,” Uriel responds.  “You just have to know where to apply the right pressure.”  I think we all know what he’s talking about.

Cut to an abandoned building, where some good old-fashioned torture is taking place.  Ruby is gagged and strapped down naked to a table.  She screams as best she can while Alastair tortures her with her own knife.  We can’t see where he’s slicing her, but it sort of looks like he’s cutting her…um...downtown bonanza.  Now, I have wished Ruby pain and suffering on many occasions, but I don’t want to see this.  This is just completely gratuitous violence and nudity.  Kripke, you need to get over your love of gore and focus on the story you’re trying to tell, mmkay? I will concede that Alastair is genuinely creepy, though.  He finally removes Ruby’s gag and asks where Anna and the boys are.  She doesn’t tell him but she says that she will show him, thereby ensuring that he will not kill her.

It’s morning back at the barn, so I guess that whole “give Anna up by midnight” thing was an empty threat.  Dean’s drinking in preparation for what’s about to happen, though neither Sam nor Anna knows what that is.  Suddenly Castiel (yay!) and Uriel burst through the doors.  Sam asks how they found them, but soon realizes that Dean gave up their location.  Dean apologizes to Anna, who surmises that Uriel must have threatened Sam in order to get Dean to talk.  She kisses Dean one last time, and Castiel looks a bit jealous. (I’d love to say that he was jealous of Anna, but he’s been looking at her with gooey eyes this whole scene, so he’s probably jealous of Dean.)  Anna steps forward, ready for her punishment. Castiel apologizes for what he has to do, but Anna insists that he doesn’t even know what that means.  “Still, we have a history,” he says, and I know that angels aren’t able to feel love or anything but COME ON.  Y’all know it sounds like they were together at some point.

Before any angelic vengeance can be had, Alastair shows up on the scene.  Ruby’s being supported by his two demonic henchmen.  Her torso is bleeding through her shirt, so I guess Alastair didn’t mess around downtown.  Castiel tells Alastair to leave or they will kill him, and why they just wouldn’t kill him anyway is beyond me.  When Alastair refuses, the angels and demons throw down.  Uriel destroys the demonic henchmen easily and Castiel takes on Alastair.  He gets in a few good punches before trying to do the same hand thing Uriel did on the other demons, but Alastair is mysterious immune.  He gets his hands around Castiel’s throat and starts chanting something in Latin, but Dean slams a crowbar into his head before he can do any damage.  For the win!  Alastair turns on Dean, saying that he “had such promise” before telekinetically choking him and Sam.  While this is happening and Uriel is finishing off the second henchman, Anna grabs her grace from him and smashes the vial on the ground.  The grace billows up and into her mouth, moving much like demon smoke, until her whole body is glowing.  “Shut your eyes!” she yells right before she completely erupts with light, and when the light fades both she and Alastair are gone.  Dean picks up Ruby’s knife from where Alastair dropped it and exchanges a few angry words with Uriel before the angels disappear.  Ruby hobbles over and WHY IS SHE STILL HERE?!  We find out that she only sold Anna out because it was part of Sam’s plan to bring the angels and demons together and let them fight, meaning that all of her actions are as pure and good as ever.  Maybe that drinking game wasn’t such a good idea, because if I had been following it I would be dead of alcohol poisoning right now.

Sam and Dean sit against the Impala by the side of the road, drinking beers in honor of still being alive.  After a moment Dean brings up Alastair’s comment on how he had promise, since Sam must be curious.  Sam tells him that he isn’t going to push the issue, but Dean decides to tell him about it anyway.  He admits that time in Hell moves differently, and that it was like 40 years for him.  “They sliced and carved and tore at me in ways that you…until there was nothing left,” he says.  “And suddenly I would be whole again, like magic, just so they could start in all over.”  He says that, at the end of every day, Alastair would offer him a release from the torture if he would start torturing other souls.  Naturally, Dean said no, but only for 30 years.  “But then I couldn’t do it anymore, Sammy,” he says as tears fall down his cheeks.  “I couldn’t.  And I got off that rack…and I started ripping them apart.  I lost count of how many souls.”  Sam is in horrified silence, but he manages to tell Dean that it wasn’t his fault, and that he held out longer than anyone else would have.  But his words are no comfort to Dean, who is now seriously crying.  “How I feel,” he sobs miserably, “with this inside me…I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy.  I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing.”

NEXT WEEK:  Hiatus!  Wait, what?  I got all excited because my birthday is on a Thursday this year and show is going to miss it because of hiatus?  NOT.  COOL.