The Amazing Race: "You're Gonna Get Me Killed" - Episode 1310

With the now-obligatory 'surprise' non-elimination leg at the Final Four out of the way, it's time to get to the good stuff - the Final Three! What a leg it was, too, as an unprecedented gaffe by one of the teams cost them a sure placing in the finals next week. More importantly, though, we got to see yet another example of how truly uncoordinated Dan really is. Frat boys aren't supposed to act like that much of a moron in public until AFTER they start drinking, Dan. I hope you know that all the guys back at Lambda Lambda Lambda are NEVER going to let you live all of this down. More Amazing Race after the jump...

 

First-place finishers Toni and Dallas kicked off the action this week, and their first clue of the Leg took them to a retired Russian nuclear submarine. Once there, they would have to locate a Russian actor in full military regalia that once appeared in in the movie "The Hunt For Red October". Their starting lead didn't really give them much of an edge, however, as both Ken/Tina & Nick/Starr caught up with Toni & Dallas at the submarine. All three teams received their next clue from the actor at pretty much the same time, so from there, it was off to the Graveyard of Fallen Monuments in Park Iskusstv across town.

 

As fourth-place team Dan & Andrew arrive at the submarine and retrieve their next clue, everyone else is making their way through the nightmarish gridlock traffic of Moscow in their respective taxicabs. Ken & Tina were lucky enough to get a driver with a GPS in his cab (I can't even imagine how much a GPS must cost in Russia), Starr is slowly breaking down into her usual bout of traffic-based hysterics, and Dan & Andrew actually get the smallest of breaks in the form of an English-speaking cab driver. Congratulations, guys! Too bad you'll probably have to make up for it by breaking all four of your legs further along in the Race. 

 

Nick & Starr arrive at the Graveyard of Fallen Monuments first, and it's a Roadblock. Nick takes it on, and what he'll have to do to complete it is scour the park for as many statues of Lenin and Stalin as he can find. The lettering on the statues is bit confusing to read being that it's in Russian and all, so teams are given the Cyrillic spelling of both leaders' names to help them along. Once Nick has counted all the statues of the fallen Soviet-era leaders (6 of Lenin, 2 of Stalin), he's headed to a nearby antique bookstore to tell the shop owner his answers. If he's correct, he'll be handed a book and made to use the number from his answers at the park to turn to a specific page in it. You guessed it - it's page 62. There, teams will find information leading them to the apartment building of the author of the book, Mikhail Bulgakov.

 

Nick makes fairly quick work of the Graveyard puzzle, but Dallas and Tina are right behind him. Nick makes his way to the bookstore with the correct answer of 62 as Dallas struggles his way through the park, trying like hell to figure out exactly how to tell the difference between Stalin and Lenin. Stalin's got the handlebar, dude! He makes a half-assed stab at it in the end, traveling to the bookstore with little more than a handful of guesses to throw at the owner. Nick's in and out of the bookstore in a flash, but Dallas? Not so much. His first guess of 36 is entirely off the mark, so he has to wait 10 minutes before he can make another one. As he waited, Tina showed up with her own batch of guesses, the first of which being 52. BZZZZZT! Sorry, Tina. Go keep Dallas company on the curb outside, sweetcheeks. Neither Dallas or Tina came to the bookstore with any solid answers from the statue park, so I'd say the two of them are going to be here a while with their little guessing game. In post-Soviet Russia, guesses make YOU!

 

Nick deviously swipes Ken & Tina's GPS-enabled cab (yoink!) to make his way to the apartment building, and Starr is waiting there for him. They read their next clue and begin their trek to Sokol'niky Park to find a woman with a Shetland pony and their next clue. Starr thought sure that 'pony' meant ponytail, but Nick was quick to correctly convince her otherwise. I'm sure he's a lot more accustomed to her dumbness than the rest of us are, because as for me, I laughed at her. Hard. Hey, at least she's nice to look at. Cheerleaders aren't paid to think, you know. 

 

Meanwhile, back at the bookstore, Dallas and Tina take turns making guesses at the correct number. Tina finally nails it with 62, and she passes off the information to a completely clueless Dallas. There's no way in the world he would've gotten that correct without her help, so for the first time this Race, I agree with Tina - he really DOES owe her one now. However, because of the monumental boner Dallas is about to pull on his way from the bookstore to the apartment building, it's clear he may never get the chance to repay her. As he arrived at the apartment building, Dallas left the bag containing both his and his mother's passports and money in the cab. Oh brother. Dallas and Toni are a tough team, but they're not that tough.

 

Sounds like a good time to check in on where the hell Dan & Andrew are, doesn't it? After recovering from a dumb-ass cab driver who took them to the wrong park, Team Douchenozzle bumbled their way through the statues and arrived at the bookstore with an answer. An incorrect answer, sure, but hey! At least they weren't on fire or anything. "61?" mumbles Andrew to the shop owner, and he can barely believe it when she tells him he's wrong. He makes another guess ten minutes later, and when I say 'guess', I mean 'guess'. He had no way of knowing the correct answer was 62 at all, and frankly, I was stunned he didn't take a stab at 69 instead. Silly, silly Douchenozzles.

 

Andrew caught up with his friend at the apartment building, and Dan filled him in on the news - Toni and Dallas had lost all their money and passports, and the two of them might have a chance at staying in this thing after all. As the two sped off in a cab towards Sokol'niky Park to find the lady with the ponytail... er, Shetland pony, a stranded and heartbroken Toni & Dallas opted to take the subway instead to save a few bucks. 

 

Across town, first-place rockstars Nick & Starr pound into Sokol'niky Park well in the lead, and quickly find the woman with the pony. She hands them their clue, and it's time for a Detour. The teams' two options on this Detour were as such - 

 

Ride The Rails, in which teams made their way back and forth across town on the city's subway system, collecting clues along the way to finally arrive at VNDKh Park Station. In Ride The Lines, teams would also find themselves traveling across the city, but this time, they would be using local bus lines to do so. Ride The Rails seemed the obvious choice here, because if the teams hadn't noticed by now, traffic here in Moscow is more than a little insane. Any opportunity to stay the hell off the streets for a while should have been more than a little welcomed, and Nick & Starr seem to agree. Armed with Nick's experience with subways as a New Yorker, the brother & sister head down into the tunnels to take on the task.

 

As usual, Nick & Starr make quick work of the Detour task and are soon on their way to VNDKh Station, home to the clue leading them to the Pit Stop. They pick up the clue and make their way to a nearby park where Phil is waiting with some Russian dude in a bad-ass hat. Back on top once again, Nick & Starr rack up yet another first-place finish and an awesome trip to the island of Anguilla to boot. On top of all that, the team has also won a spot in the Final Three and a shot at the million-dollar grand prize. HURRAY! Suck it, haters!

 

Ken & Tina chose Ride The Lines, and despite getting off to a rocky start by getting on the wrong bus entirely, they make up for their mistake and slowly bus their way across town. Toni/Dallas & Andrew/Dan arrived at Sokol'niky Park at virtually the same time, but Pony Lady denied them both their clues. First, Toni & Dallas had taken the subway instead of the required cab, and as for Andrew & Dan, they had a Speed Bump to complete before they went any further. Toni & Dallas continued their Worst Day Ever by making their way back to where they started, begging for money from the locals, and then returning to the Park in a cab. As for Andrew & Dan, they were made to dance with a local street troupe. In public. Awesome.

 

Somehow the frat brothers managed to coordinate their spasmodic jerking and twitching enough to convince the troupe's dance teacher to give them their clue, but all they really proved to me was that they must've sat on an anthill at some point along the Race. Wow. I've seen more graceful movements from a dying lobster in a pot of boiling water. They completed the task as Toni & Dallas came back in their cab and started begging for more money to ride the subways as part of the Detour. Andrew & Dan followed suit behind Ken & Tina to take on the city's bus lines, and surprisingly, they skimmed right through the task without falling off any cliffs or setting any fireworks factories on fire or anything. Boys, I'm impressed. The Douchenozzles continued to shock & awe as they managed to finish the Leg in second place, well ahead of Ken & Tina. The husband and wife team struggled with the location of the clue box that was to lead them to Phil and the Russian dude in the bad-ass hat, and it even appeared for a moment that last-place stragglers Toni & Dallas might catch up to them and throw a major upset into the works.

 

Alas, it wasn't meant to be. Ken & Tina finally located the clue box and flopped their way into third place at the feet of Phil and the Russian dude in the bad-ass hat. As for the scrappy mother & son team that impressed me so much over the last several Legs of the Race, Toni & Dallas were Philiminated, taking whatever chance CBS had of using Dallas and Starr's budding romance as part of their marketing spiel for next week's finale right along with them. I'm perfectly alright with Starr staying as far away from Dallas as possible (she's mine, dammit! MINE!), but man, they didn't even get to meet Phil at the Pit Stop mat. What a bummer. Toni & Dallas more than deserved a spot in the Final Three, and to see them get booted at this point for making such a dumb mistake is really unfortunate. Bye guys!

 

So here we are at the Final Three! Who do you like? I'm sure I don't have to reiterate my support for Nick & Starr any more than I already have, right? Didn't think so. It's not all because of Starr's shapely thighs, either - Nick's a serious competitor here, and I think when coupled with his sister's ability to dive into any situation she's confronted with and come out successful, I honestly think they're the team to beat. However, Ken & Tina could very well pull an upset, and Dan & Andrew could possibly turn the three-county barn fire they're inevitably going to start into a million-dollar payday, but in the meantime, I'll keep my support with the pretty lady in the tight-fitting clothing.

 

Also, according to the CBS.com website for The Amazing Race, "one Team makes an unprecedented mistake on the road that ultimately prohibits them from joining their fellow Racers at the finish line." Could this be referring to Toni & Dallas' muck-up this week, or something else? Do Dan & Andrew somehow get arrested for international terrorism and find themselves imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay? Move over, Harold & Kumar!

 

Techs and Specs for the Geeks - 

 

Performed Roadblock: NICK, DALLAS, TINA, & ANDREW 

 

Ride The Rails: NICK/STARR

Ride the Lines: ANDREW/DAN, KEN/TINA, TONI/DALLAS (did not complete)

 

 

1. Nick & Starr (Fifth first-place finish, trip to Anguilla, free encyclopedia with 'Shetland Pony' entry highlighted in yellow)

2. Andrew & Dan 

3. Ken & Tina 

4. Toni & Dallas (eliminated)

 

-littlebigmouth.